# Not RE: s-word (cat)
### entered in vim
### 20191015

I am purposefully not replying to cat.
I just want to pontificate for a moment.

Modern life has nothing to do with your
survival. Nothing we do is satisfying.
All filler, no killer. Living safe 
leaves one hollow. I do not think it
would be so stultifying if we were 
all chasing mammoth with sharpened 
sticks.

I am numb right now.

Here in less than 2 hours I will likely
lose my job of 15 years.

Sociopaths in Houston are playing chess
with the lives of families and the
economies of communities. In a very real
sense I curse these men. I wish them
ill. I hope they suffer for what they
have done and are doing. 

I do not have the faintest idea of what 
I will do as sole bread winner in my
household. I only know that the idea
of doing something different gives 
me a glimmer of hope. My forty three
years of life have been a flash in the
pan. I have done nothing of note. I
know what it feels like to imbibe
over 2oz of diphenhydromine in a hotel
room paid for in cash. That is over 300 
pills for those counting. I know the 
aftermath of an ambulance ride to 
the ER to get your stomach pumped (not
the same instance) for pills and vodka.
I know what it feels like to have your 
liver hurt to the point you turn
yellow.

I know that I do not want to revisit 
those days. I know that I am not the 
same person. I do not give currency
to *toxicity* or other buzzwords. 
I so wish the fucking world would
grow a pair. We live in a universe
devoid of care. We chose to make this
world one which is run by HR. In the
guise of properness, while only 
seeking return on investment. People 
who whole-heartedly espouse opinions
and beliefs that everyone should be
equal and safe are tools of this HR
structure and are neglecting that
no one is equal, and safety is boring.

We are hard wired for a different
existence, and this causes us all to
feel it. It'll all crash eventually.
I believe it already has before. This
reset will weed out the weak, and 
give us all back our meaning.

A lot of people who now think they 
are weak will be shocked to find out 
they are not. They are finally free
to live as they should. The strength
was always there, like dumbo's
ability to fly.

Until then, hang in there.