********************************** | Issue 16 Monday July 27th 1998 | ********************************** (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball." - Doug Larson ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Locked in a war with Westinghouse over which of them would control the future of electric power, Thomas Edison worked to discredit his rival's alternating current with claims that it was unsafe -- so unsafe that it could be used to kill people. And so he developed the electric chair. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y About four years ago David Weinlick, 28, Minneapolis, got tired of people asking him when he was going to get married, so he started to answer, "June 13, 1998." It became part of his shtick. Only one thing is missing from his upcoming wedding: a bride. Potential brides are invited to attend Weinlick's "bridal candidate mixer" the day of the ceremony, where the groom's friends will screen them and their friends will screen Weinlick. There will be a vote, and Weinlick will marry the winner. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Going on holiday and don't have much room in your suitcase? Don't take shower gel - shampoo works just as well! (the tips don't get any better do they? :-) -hayley ) ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day _____________________________ ______________ ||\ || || \ || || \ || || | || "Boy, is it ever cold!" || |_________| / || | / || | (((( [:] || | %%%%))))) || | %%%%%%__/ || (|)%%%%%% \\ || | // \\__// || |(/____\) | _|| | //\\ |||_____________ \ | (_)(_))(_) \ | \| \ \ "You said it, Billy. It's fr-fr-freezin'." 44444444444444444444444444444444444444444 44444444444444444444444444444444444444444 _____________________________ ______________ ||\ || || \ || || \ || || | || || |_________|| || | || || | (((( [:] || | %%%%))))) || | %%%%%%__/ || (|)%%%%%% \\ || | // \\__// || |(/____\) | _|| | //\\ |||_____________ \ | (_)(_))(_) \ | \| \ \ "How much longer, Billy?" JROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJRO JROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJROJRO _____________________________ ______________ ||\ || "Just a minute or so more. || \ || By then, we ought to have || \ || let in enough cold so Dad || | || will HAVE to build up the || |_________| / the fire." || | / || | (((( [:] || | %%%%))))) || | %%%%%%__/ || (|)%%%%%% \\ || | // \\__// || |(/____\) | _|| | //\\ |||_____________ \ | (_)(_))(_) \ | \| endendendendendendendendendendendendendend endendendendendendendendendendendendendend %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %Issue 17 Tuesday 28th July 1998% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." - George Bernard Shaw ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The Samburu tribesman appearing in a Nike commercial was supposed to say the equivalent of "Just Do It" in his native language. He didn't. Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it" appears on the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Today you'll find this remarkable light bulb burning bright at a fire station in Livermore, California. It hasn't been turned off since 1901. The Guinness Book of Records, Ripley's Believe It Or Not and General Electric agree the bulb, made of tungsten and of unknown wattage, is the longest-living in history, despite two moves and a few power outages during its lifetime. The bulb was donated to the department in 1901 by Dennis Bernal, a pioneer in the area who owned the Livermore Power and Water Co. It was hung as a night light in a downtown garage that served as both a police and fire department five years before the great San Francisco earthquake and fire in 1906. A few years later, the bulb found its way to the "new" pre-Depression City Hall that also housed the two departments and twenty-odd years ago was moved for a final time to Station One in Livermore. Successive fire chiefs have regarded it as their talisman. "Nobody wants that darn bulb to go out on their watch," says fire chief Gary Stewart. "If that thing goes out while I'm still chief it will be a career's worth of bad luck." Previous chiefs have had standing orders that if any firefighter, for whatever reason, accidentally broke the light they would suddenly find plenty of time to update their resumes. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Medical studies indicate that St. John's Wort (Hypericum perforatum), a herbal medicine that is available through health food stores without a prescription, is as effective as prescription antidepressants with fewer side effects. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . __ ' . ' . * _-~ ~-_ . ' . . . /___ ___\ ' . . / (O) (o) \ * ___ * . __,-~-~-,/ -..- \ .-~~-. __..-~~ ~~-.._ .-~ `V~V~V'`\ -v----v- \/ /.-~ //.. \ \. `~-._ //. \.' `\..___..---/ /'' . ' . .. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;Issue 18 Friday July 31st;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car." - Bill Bryson ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Some older model cordless phones dial 911 by themselves when their batteries are dying. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y An American film crew coming back from break found their intentionally garbage-strewn street had been cleaned by Toronto sanitation workers during the few minutes they'd been away. Though this incident did indeed happen on the set of the television show Night Heat, the story has since then been told of various film companies shooting in Toronto. It has, through mangled retellings, become the ultimate "Canada is so clean!" tale. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Two tablespoons olive oil and 1 egg yolk make a great conditioner for dry or damaged hair. Massage through hair and let set for about 15 minutes. 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If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars." - Abbie Hoffman ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day According to scientific study, hard rock music makes termites chew through wood at twice the speed. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y 1994 -- The London Independent's weekly magazine reported in November on the Hush-a-Bye Baby Club in southern England, whose adult male members dress as female infants and refer to themselves as "Baby Michelle," "Baby Cathy," etc. "Mummy Clare" runs the club, charging about $110 a night ($140 for non-members), which includes baby food, bottled milk and diaper service. Spanking is about $7 more. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| For windshield washer fluid: add a little rubbing alcohol to plain water - it won't freeze. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ),))), ))|/ /:/;)), ))// _- ;)) )// _-'o> `,._., ._..__-----_,....,,,) )/, ,-' . '~'--______---' ____,_,_)-" Q__,,---,,'\ \ / _--_ ;_..'~'-___. _____--' __-'' `-_ \__.`'-___. `-_ ,_-~___,,_- __-' `-_____. `'-.__. `~--' _--'_--'__.-' _-~'~'"'-____-' `~'-____,'-_ '---;--~,_---'~' MjH `~--' `--~' .===========================================. ) Possibly Issue 20: Monday 3rd August 1998 ( `===========================================' (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer." - Alfred North Whitehead ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day A goldfish kept in the dark will turn white. (Don't try this one at home kids!) ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Larry Blanchfield, 31, an inmate serving a life term at the Deleware Correctional Center, was crushed to death when he tried to escape in a garbage truck. Authorities explained it is standard procedure for truck drivers to compact the trash they pick up before leaving the prison. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| For sunburn relief try tea bags. Let the bags steep in boiled water for five minutes. Then, after they cool, remove from the water and apply the wet bags to the skin. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day _____ . . .___ __ . . . .__ __ __ . . __ | | | | (__` | |\ /| | \ (__` / \ |\ | (__` | |---| |--- \ | | \/ | |__/ \ | | | \ | \ | | | |___ \__/ | | | | \__/ \__/ | \| \__/ .-~~~-, ( ) ( ) -^x^- ( ) /~ ~\ ( ) | | ( ) | | ( ) | __ _, (~~~~-( ) /\/\ (. ).) `_'_', ( ) C __) (.( .)-( ) | /~~~ \ (_ ( ) / \ ~====' /_____/` D) /`-_ `---' \ | .__|~-/^\-~|_/_ |^^^^^^^|| | __. ||/.\ | |OooooO \ ---. \ | | \ _ _- ,`_'_' .~\ \|__ __|-____ / ) < -(. ).) > \ ( .\ (. ) \(_/ ) ~- _) \_- ooo @ (_) @ \(_//. / /_C (-.____) /((O)/ \ ._/\~_. / |_\ / / /\\\\`-----'' _|>o< |__ | \ooooO ( \ \\ \\___/ \ `_'_', / \ \__-| \ `)\\-^\\ ^--. /_(.(.)- _\ \ \ ) |-`--.`--=\-\ /-//_ ' ( c D\ \_\_) |-___/ / \ V /.~ \/\\\ (@)___/ ~| / | / | |. /`\\_/\/ / / / | ( C`-'` / | \/ (/ / /_________- \ `C__-~ | / (/ / | | | \__________| \ (/ (Anyone know what the credits should be on this one?) ___________________________________ F T |Issue 20 #2 Monday 3rd August 1998 | L___________________________________J (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy." - Miles Kington ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The word 'condom' comes from the Earl of Condom, personal physician to King Charles II, who made them for his monarch out of a stretched and oiled sheep's intestine. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y In April 1995 Timothy O'Brien committed suicide by shooting himself in the head because his half-share of a five-week ticket on Britain's (then) new National Lottery had expired just before the draw he thought would have made him a multi-millionaire. The truth is, even if he'd held a valid ticket for his usual numbers, O'Brien wouldn't have won. The numbers that came up would have entitled the ticket holders to a prize of 47 pounds,not the3.2 million he thought he and his partner had missed out on. And why? Because only four of the six numbers matched those drawn. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Can't remember if an egg is fresh or hard boiled? Just spin the egg. If it wobbles, it's raw. If it spins easily, it's hard boiled. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day __ ___ ___ ___ ___.---------------. .'\__\'\__\'\__\'\__\'\__,` . ____ ___ \ |\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ _:\ |:. \ \___ \ \\'\__\'\__\'\__\'\__\'\_`.__| `. \ \___ \ \\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __\/ __: \ \\'\__\'\__\'\__\ \__\'\_;-----------------` \\/ \/ \/ \/ \/ : -shimrod | \|______________________;________________|