Did I miss number 19? Apparently so..... oh well. Never was any good with numbers anyway. :) [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] []MOTD 21 Weds August 5th 1998[] [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft hotline, you'll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to be user mistakes." - Bill Gates ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Barbie is actually an almost exact copy of a german doll for Grown ups. Lili was made by a sex toy manufacturer and was usually given as a present for a joke. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Shulamit Dezhin, 82, passed her driver's test in Ashdod, Israel, after 35 failures. She originally wanted her license so she could visit her parents in Tel Aviv, but she took so long that they died first. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| You can make a bottle of everyday hair conditioner last much longer if you use it as a spray on-leave in conditioner instead. Just mix your conditioner 1 part conditioner to 5 parts water. Put it in an empty hair spray container and spritz it on instead. This does not leave any oily traces in your hair at all... in fact you can't even tell you did it, except for the fact that the tangles come out wonderfully and your frizzies get calmed down. :) ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ,,., .&%%%%%. /.' $' '%%%&°._.-. /_/ )^ ((%%%.-. _/| ____ \__ |%%% / \| '|_|_' __) ))%%--' __/ /\o _) / /_/*(,..--' | .' __/ (* * / _ .'\/ \|_\ /\ / \* (__ / \___/ / \__')__/ \_/* ' */ _.' mrf| * */* \_.' |*_* *__/ /* * */ \_/\_/ \ | \ | ( \ | \ |__) \ | _.' o\ . '. . ' . (______) , ' .' ' ___._||__||_.__.'.'' ._'____ +-----------------------------------+ | Issue 22 Tuesday 11th August 1998 | +-----------------------------------+ (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." - Al Capp ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The bubbles in Guiness sink to the bottom rather than float to the top. (Do they? Never noticed. Mental note - buy guiness next time at pub, and stare at it - Hayley) ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y The mortal remains of Charlie Chaplin were abducted and held for ransom. Even in death Charlie Chaplin had little peace. Such was the price of his celebrity that his remains were dug up and ransomed back to the family. Chaplin died on25 December1977, in Switzerland. He was 88 years old. On 2 March 1978, his coffin (with him in it) was dug up and spirited away. His remains were recovered by Swiss police on 17 May 1978. Two Eastern European political refugees confessed to the crime. They described how they took Chaplin's oak coffin from the village cemetery at Corsier-sur-Vevey and buried it in a shallow hole in the cornfield near Villeneive, about 10 miles away at the eastern tip of Lake Geneva. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Run out of shampoo? A few years ago, Consumer Reports did a test on shampoos. Just for fun, they included in their blind test some dishwashing liquid soap. It scored on the lower end, about 1/3 from the bottom, but above some very pricy premium shampoos. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day THE VEX FILES #3 \_ _/ ///=- \-=- \ .------------. ___ ( "-- --" ) ///|==\//=\\ \ | It must be | /---\\--. ( ( ) ) ) ||//==\//=\\\\\| demonic | // /==\/-\\ \_ ( _/ \\\/ \\\|||| posession. | ///=/ \ \ ( "-- ) --" ) \/ _ __ \///|`-. .--------' |_/=/ ._ _.\= ( ( ) ) ) \"\ /"-.\|// |/ / /= ." . /=\ \_ ( ( _/ /`/ /` ||/ ' / / / \ \\ \ ( " ( ) " ) / / .) | /|(. " || | )( ))) )) )( |(__.)\ /| \ \\| /-\ |/ / __\ (()(((()( /__ _ | ___, | _ \\_\\\_ `-' /_// |.-' """""" `-.| \"-\ - ____/-"/ " /\`\___/|/\ || -._ .-. ||__\|/`---' /\| /____ _..--'\ \ . / /--.|| -._| | | || \\ \ _ / /// "\ / \_\---/ *. || -._|"|"| || .* \_/ \_///__ | | \ \ / .|| -._|.-.| ||. \_/ / / | | | \ / *. ||_______________|| .* / \| / Y | \ *. . /.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_\ . | || / | | DrS. . /.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-._\\ .* / | *. /.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.\ .* ( ( /_____/___________\___o_\ ) ) \_______________________/ Scurvy suspects a more mundane reason for the self-destruction of her laptop. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ( `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' ) ) Issue 23 Wednesday 12th August 1998 ( (_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._) (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he invented dynamite. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Everyone's heard stories about vengeful pizza guys masturbating onto your medium combination, sworn enemies pissing in each other's beer and irate butchers whacking off into the ground beef. We've long been fascinated by the idea of using bodily fluids in something ingestible as a means of revenge. As common as these tales are, they're often damnably hard to get to the bottom of. Here's a documented prime example of this type of story from 1994: The coffee just didn't taste right, so workers at Wire Rope of America inSt. Joseph, Missouri, set up a hidden camera to find out why. What they found was a co-worker using the coffee pot as a urinal. The man, who was said to be feuding with other workers, was fired, but a company official declined to say if the dismissal was related to the coffee pot incident. Not only was Milton Ross fired, he was also charged with assault. The videotape of his improving the coffee somehow found its way to a local TV station and was subsequently aired. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Got a knot in your shoelace that's too tight to untie? Wet it and it'll come out easier. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day (` (` (` (`( (`( (`( (.' (.' (.' __ ( __ ( __ ( __ |__| |__| |__| |__| .|. | | | | | | | | .|. _.' |_'____| |__| |__| |__| |____'_| '.___ .=============::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::....\ :""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""": \ / \_____________________________________________/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ -dana'98- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::Issue 24 Thursday 13th August 1998:: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." - Chinese Proverb ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Pecans are the only food that doesn't have to be treated or dehydrated when taken into space by astronauts. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y In October 1993, a family in Waterboro, Maine, bore witness to a scene of unrequited passion. A fake deer used as a practice target for bow- hunting became an object of affection for a lonesome moose. The courtship proffered by 700-pound bull was sufficiently ardent that the plastic foam deer had to be rebuilt in the wake of his visit. He made repeated passionate passes at the arrow-punctured deer while Nancy Morrill looked on in mirth and her son captured the perfomance on videotape. "We were laughing and laughing," Morrill said. "But the moose didn't pay any attention. It had one thing on its mind and that was it." The brief affair ended when the loving and persistent attentions paid to the fake deer resulted in its antlers coming off. "Then all of a sudden the head fell off," Morrill said. "When that happened, the moose stopped and lookedaround. . . .And then it sniffed and trotted off into the woods." (Not the first romance to be brought to an untimely conclusion by one of the participants' losing her head!) _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| When going on holiday, leave an inaccessible, but visible, window partially open. This suggests that someone is home. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day _ _.-~~.) _.--~~~~~---....__ .' . .,' ,'. . . . . . . . . .~- ._ ( ( .. .g. . . . . . . . . . .~-._ .~__.-~ ~`. . . . . . . . . . . -. `----..._ ~-=~~-. . . . . . . . ~-. ~-._ `-._ ~=_~~--. . . . . .~. | .~-.._ ~--._-. ~-. . . . ~-. \ .( ~~--.._~' `. . . . .~-. , `._\ ~~--.._ `. . . . . ~-. .- . ,'/ _ . _ . -~\ _ .. _ ~~--.`_. . . . . ~-_ ,-','` . ` ._ ~ ~--. . . . .~=.-'. /. ` - . -~ -. _ . - ~ - _ - ~ ~--..__~ _,. / \ - ~ . __ .. ~- ~~_. ( ` )`. _ _ `- .. - . . - ~ ~ . \ ~-` ` ` `. _ _ Seal _ - . ` . \ \ `. .====================================. I Issue 25 Friday 14th August 1998 I `====================================' (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft" - Bill Gates ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The Titanic's fourth funnel, the one furthest back, was fake. (Harland and Wolff have confirmed this) Why? Aesthetics. It made the ship look bigger, and among the many immigrants, many who couldn't read company literature or timetables, it was a common belief that the more funnels a ship had, the faster it was. In their rush to reach America, this could be a deciding factor on what ship they bought tickets for. Yes, the funnel was used for kitchen ventilation, but only as an afterthought. The kitchen only needed a 4 foot diameter vent at most. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Police and paramedics made an early morning call to a motel to free a man whose penis was caught in a swimming pool suction fitting. A clerk at the Scottish Inn motel made a911 callat4:45 a.m.Friday, saying the 33-year-old man was trapped in the swimming pool. The pool's pump was shut off before paramedics arrived, but the man still could not free himself because his penis had become swollen. Paramedics inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting, and authorities freed the man after about40 minutes. The man, who had rented a room at the motel, told police he had gone swimming about12:30 a.m.He was treated at Lakeland Regional Medical Center. The responding police officer's report stated the following: "As I approached the man, I could see his pants were down to his knees and his penis was stuck in a suction hole located on the north side of the swimming pool." The police officers shut off the pool's pump but that didn't do the trick. Robert Cheuvront's penis remained stuck. Unfortunately for him, it had become swollen by the battering it had received before the pump was turned off. Efforts by the police to free him failed, so the paramedics were summoned. Lubricant was applied around the pipe fitting in hopes the poor man would become unstuck. Eventually, after nearly an hour of alternating delicate maneuvering and strenuous pulling efforts, Cheuvront popped out of the suction pipe. The paramedics took him to a nearby hospital, and a spokesman there later announced the man had been released after treatment for bruised genitalia. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Don't spend a fortune on air fresheners and plug ins. Invest in a small jar of cream perfume (Avon have these for sure) and smear it sparingly on your light bulbs. Then when you turn the light on the room will be filled with a lovely fragrance. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day (hint - try cutting and pasting this one into your browser. :-) )