IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I Issue 26 Saturday 15th August 1998 I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "History is a set of lies agreed upon." - Napoleon Bonaparte ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The early personal computer, the Sinclair ZX80, had 1 kilobyte of internal memory. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y At age 37 Jack Nicholson discovered that the woman he'd always thought his sister was actually his mother. In June 1974 the mystery of Jack's birth came to light, just as his movie Chinatown was scheduled to open in theaters. In preparation for a cover story on Nicholson, a Time magazine reporter phoned Nicholson to check on the extraordinary information that had been unearthed: "Jack's sister" June was in fact Jack's mother, and a man claiming to be his father was alive and well in Ocean Grove, New Jersey. The news about Nicholson's parentage turned out to be true: Jack, born on 22 April 1937, had been the illegitimate child of 17-year-old June Nicholson. Nicholson had spent his life up to age 37 assuming that his biological mother, June, was his sister, and that his maternal grandmother, Ethel May, was his mother. Even on their deathbeds, neither June nor Ethel May had offered up the truth. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| To get rid of the pong in your fridge mix one teaspoon. bicarbonate of soda with a tablespoon of white vinegar in a saucer and leave in the fridge overnight. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ____________________________________________________ T ================================================= |T | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|[L | __________________________________________________[| |I __==___________ ___________ . ,. _ . __ T| ||[_j L_I_I_I_I_j L_I_I_I_I_j /|/V||(g/| == l| lI _______________________________ _____ _________I] |[__I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_] [__I__] [_I_I_I_]| |[___I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_L I ___ [_I_I_I_]| |[__I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_L_I __I_]_ [_I_I_T || |[___I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I____] [_I_I_] [___I_I_j| | [__I__I_________________I__L_] | | | -Row l__________________________________________________j ->Amiga1200<- 888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8 Issue 27 Tuesday August 18th 1998 8 888888888888888888888888888888888888888 (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought." - Dorothy Leigh Sayers ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day The book by Copernicus, which suggested that the Sun and not the Earth was the centre of the solar system, was banned officially banned by the Papacy until 1835. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y (Yet another "'Trainspotting' comes true" story!) In late 1986 in the small farm town of Council Grove, Kansas (pop. 2300), Corky Woodward rented a camera and a videocassette player from the only rental store in town. Woodward, the sheriff of Morris County, then made an erotic 90-minute tape of himself and his wife Dannette, but inadvertently left the tape in the VCR when he returned it to the store. The next person to rent the player got the tape as well, and soon hundreds of copies were circulating throughout town. _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| When going on holiday, leave a car in the driveway. If you're taking your car with you, ask your neighbours to take turns parking their car in your drive. Burglers generally don't study a property over several days to determine whether or not a car has been moved. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day _.-----.._____,-~~~~-._...__ ,-' / `.... ,' ,' . . \::. ,' . '' : . \ `./::.. ,' .. . . . . : ;':::. / :go. : . : \ : ;'.::. | ' .o8) . :| : ,'. . / : ~:' . ' :/ . :/. . / , ' | : /. . / , | ./. L._ . ,' .:. / ,'. /-. :.--._,-'~~~~~~| ,'|: ,--. / .:/ |/::| `. |-. / .;' .-__)::/ \ ...._____...-|-. ,' .;' .' '.'|;' | ~--..._____\-_-' .:' .' / ' ___....--~~ _.-' `.___.' ./ ~~------+~~_. . ~~ .,' ~:_.' . . ._:' _ Seal _ ~~-+-+~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + Issue 28 Wednesday 20th August 1998 + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism." - Bernard J. Hibbits ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Scientists at Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions where traced to a microwave oven in the building. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Jail officials in Linn County, OR, have banned underwear for male inmates, explaining that it costs too much money to replace T-shirts and drawers, which keep disappearing. Sherrif Dave Burright said some items were flushed down the toilet, resulting in a $200 bill to unclog the sewer lines. Also, this summer an inmate tried to hang himself with the elastic waistband from his briefs. So far, only one prisoner has complained, claiming it is a constitutional right for inmates to have underwear, according to Burright, who noted, "I don't remember Thomas Jefferson putting anything about underwear in the Constitution." _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Keep your left over soap slivers and put them in the toe end of an old stocking. Hang it up in by the tap in the garden, or wherever. After wetting your hands, you can use the stocking just like a bar of soap! ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day __ | +| ,,,|__| $$$ , , $$C > $$$; _< _______/ /_ ___ | |__` \~/o\ _,]-]___]-----> | / \( ) )\/.-// _( \ ) / \ | //| / ,/ \/ '/ o \ / o \ /______/\_\ \ || / \ || / \ || / / )( \ |/ \| :] [: o| |o /o| |o\ b'ger `-' `-' =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | Issue 29 Friday 21st August 1998 | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." - Woody Allen ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Rhinos are part of the same family as horses and are thought to have inspired the myth of the unicorn ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y As "Chaplinitis" swept across American around 1915, Charlie Chaplin look-alike contests became a popular form of entertainment. (Of course, it should be noted that the competitions were really contests to see who could imitate the "Tramp" character popularized by Chaplin. Few people recognized Chaplin himself without the familiar "Tramp" costume and makeup.) A rising young actor/comedian named Bob Hope took first prize in one such contest in Cleveland. Legend has it that Chaplin himself once enterered -- and lost -- one of these competitions. It is usually said that the contest was held in Monte Carlo or Switzerland, and that he came in second or third place. (Some versions claim that Chaplin's brother Syd was judged the winner.) Chaplin did indeed fare poorly in a Chaplin look-alike contest, but the competition took place in a San Francisco theater. His final standing is not recorded, although it was noted that he "failed even to make the finals." Chaplin told a reporter at this time that he was "tempted to give lessons in the Chaplin walk, out of pity as well as in the desire to see the thing done correctly." _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Wear Polaroid sunglasses when cleaning the windows and you'll always see where the smears are. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ,--. { } K, } / `Y` _ / / {_'-K.__/ `/-.__L._ / ' /`\_} / ' / -ART BY ZEUS- ____ / ' / ,-'~~~~ ~~/ ' /_ ,' ``~~~%%', ( % Y { %% I { - % `. | ', % ) | | ,..__ __. Y | .,_./ Y ' / ^Y J )| \ |' / | | || \ L_/ . _ (_,.'( \, , ^^""' / | ) \_ \ /,L] / '-_`-, ` ` ./` `-(_ ) ^^\..___,.--` ************************************ * Issue 30 Monday 24th August 1998 * ************************************ (( ___ )) / \ ,___,_|_ _ ( \) / | / \ | /_\ \___/\/\_| \_/ |_/\__, of the day "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." - David Friedman ___ __ ___ ___ | |_ / /| / / | | |_| /_/ | \_\_ |_| of the day Albert Einstein was thought to be suffering from dyslexia, as he couldn't speak properly until he was 9 years old. ____ _____W E_I_R D ____ __ __ / __) (_ _) / O\ ( O\ (_ \/ _) \__ \ | | ( ) | _ < \ / (____/ (___) \___/ (__|\_) (__) O F T H E D A Y Next time the sales clerk looks down his nose at you, tell him about John Barrier and the Washington State bank that refused to validate his parking. John Barrier had done business with Old National Bank (now U.S. Bank) in Spokane, Washington, for30 years.He'd made his money buying and refurbishing old buildings and was wearing his usual shabby clothes that day in October 1988 when he left his pickup truck in a nearby parking lot while he paid a visit to his broker, then cashed a cheque at the bank. The teller, however, took one look at his grubby clothes and refused to stamp the parking bill. "She told me the bank only validated parking tickets when a customer made a transaction and that cashing a check wasn't a transaction," said Barrier. The millionaire said he asked the teller to call a bank manager, who also refused. "He looked me up and down and stood back and gave me one of those kinds of looks," said Barrier, turning up his nose to imitate the manager. "I said, 'Fine, you don't need me and I don't need you."' Barrier withdrew all his money and took it down the street to Seafirst Bank. "The first check he brought me was for $1 million," said Dennis Veter, vice president of Seafirst's main Spokane branch. "You'd never know by looking at him, but you or I should be so lucky." _ _ | |_ (_)doubtfully | _| _ _useful | | | | | _ \ | | | | | |_) ) |_| |_| | __/ of the | | day |_| Use the tray from the inside of a box of chocolates to make ice cubes that come in fancy shapes and pop out very easily. ____ __ ___ //_// (( // // // (( (( _)) ((__ (( (( of the day ,-------. | Alien | `-------' __.,,------.._ ,'" _ _ "`. /.__, ._ -=- _"` Y (.____.-.` ""` j VvvvvvV`.Y,. _.,-' , , , Y ||, '"\ ,/ ,/ ./ | ,' , `-..,'_,'/___,'/ ,'/ , .. ,;,,',-'"\,' , . ' ' ""' '--,/ .. .. ,'. `.`---' `, / , Y -=- ,' , ,. .`-..||_|| .. ff\\`. `._ /f ,'j j , ,' , , f , \=\ Y || ||`||_.. l` \` `.`."`-..,-' j /./ /, , / , / /l \ \=\l || `' || ||... ` ` `-._ `-.,-/ ,' /`"/-/-/-/-"'''"`.`. `'.\--`'--..`'_`' || , "`-_,', ,' f , / `._ ``._ , `-.`'// , ,-"'' _.,-' l_,-'_,,' "`-._ . "`. /| `.'\ , | ,',.,-'" \=) ,`-. , `-'._`.V | \ // .. . /j |f\\ `._ )-."`. /| `.| | `.`-||-\\/ l` \` "`._ "`--' j j' j `-`---' ` ` "`_,-','/ ,-'" / ,'",__,-' /,, ,-' Vvv' VVv' -=> Philip Kaulfuss <=-