FURY WITHIN

You know there's a year 2000 commemorative mug in my kitchen 
cupboard that I bought for a few cents at an Op-Shop many years 
ago, the handle is shaped as the number 2000 which is kind-of 
clever. I never have hot drinks so I never use it, but every now 
and then I glance at the smily-face-accompanied message on the side 
while grabbing for a glass, and somehow a wish of "HAVE A NICE 
MILLENNIUM" does a better job than it really should of putting 
things into perspective.

Anyway, onto anger and rage. Sometimes I get very angry with 
myself. Not in an altogether serious way, but just to vent 
frustration with my own failings. I do have very high expectations 
for myself, in fact perfection is what I really expect from myself. 
But I don't really expect to achieve it, and sometimes I really 
don't care when I fall well short of it. The anger is really 
deliberate. I can nock something off a table and break it, 
responding only with a "hmm" before I pick it up and begin repair, 
or I can yell to myself that I'm a fucking half-witt who's the 
stupidest thing to ever walk the fucking Earth and walk away 
(clearly the latter approach is only really compatible with me 
living and working alone and away from any close neighbours).

It's a choice, in the latter case I'm actually seeking out the 
emotion of anger, and it's really a concious decision. Fact is that 
I like sending myself on a little emotional rollercoaster every now 
and again. Yesterday for example, I had quite a success with the 
first task of the day, and was pleased with myself, but that lead 
me to discover a minor mistake that only really reversed a decision 
that I'd been unsure about anyway. In fact the mistake only 
happened due to my uncertainty over the matter, and it really 
didn't make much difference either way. Nevertheless I obsessed 
over it, wasted hours trying and failing to rectify it, and got 
truely furious with myself, ranting every insult of which I could 
concieve towards every molecule in my body.

Sometimes I do succeed in fixing whatever problem I've caused 
myself, other times I don't. Either way the outcome is the same, 
which is actually a really nice evening (maybe even following 
morning, though not so much this time). I'll usually take off my 
clothes and watch a movie, or listen to music turned up loud (with 
all my colurful sound-reactive gizmos lighting up the room), or go 
for a run (I can get away with doing that naked out here at night, 
at least down to a certain temperature), or anything really, I'll 
just love it. It'll just be a great high, and I'll be more creative 
too even though I haven't got very many outlets for that. Either 
I'll write down (or just sit and imagine) some more ideas like the 
few I've put up here, or just sit making up music to sing/humm to 
myself and be a lot better at tunes and rhyming than usual (or 
maybe I just think that - nobody else is ever there to comment on 
it). I don't give a stuff at that point about what I messed up 
before, or about anything else for that matter.

That's the sort of emotional rollercoaster that I just like to send 
myself on really. Maybe the need is just a consequence of social 
and/or sexual deprivation, or maybe it's what drives a lot of close 
relationships apart once people stop being able to resist it (with 
the anger usually being directed at the other person of course, 
rather than the self). I don't know. Certainly I can only indulge 
it in my way by myself, with other people around I'm restrained. 
That's not ideal though because the block I put on it does go a 
little too far. I never swear around other people, or really allow 
myself to get visibly frustrated unless it's to make a point. 
"Bottling it up" is the usual term.

That's definately how it was for me growing up, always around 
others and always bottling it up, though at least without any 
siblings to be crammed in with. Not that I was entirely 
anti-social, I'm probably less sociable now simply through lack of 
practice, but I think it was always more of putting on an act than 
for most people, and I would only let it go so deep. Certainly I 
don't think people at school really saw how much I hated it there, 
most might have thought that I liked it, and I guess that was a 
success of the act, even though not intentional. I did really want 
to snap. I probably shouldn't be this honest, but I actually dreamt 
a lot about a kid (no specific one, though male) attacking me with 
a weapon so that I could justifyably injure or kill them in self 
defence. I just wanted an excuse to unleash the fury, but there 
wasn't one, so I just kept stewing until it eventually ended. 
Actually the last two years were more than I could really take and 
I was breaking towards the end, but just gradually rather than a 
sudden snap, becomming more open to people but also more prone to 
the ocasional burst of rage that thankfully never crossed too far 
over the line.

I don't think my problem is a lack of control over my emotions, 
rather it might be having too much control over them. There's a 
common desire to feel strong emotion, and most people might just 
rock back and forth along with it, letting it dictate their 
character irrespective of reasoning, and probably never confronted 
with this sort of self-analysis about it. For whatever reason I try 
to control them most of the time. Not just anger, but if I want to 
I can also often put myself into a more blissful sort of state 
(without having previously got furious about something, that just 
helps make it stronger) and loose some of my inhibitions (the funny 
thing is that if I go too far with either then things are at risk 
of getting broken around the house). Also my philosophy about 
loving and hating everything simulataniously (I think I rambled 
about this in my post "The Reason Whay I Hate you") really isn't so 
much about finding logical reasons to love and hate things as much 
as just switching the emotion that you associate with them. I don't 
know if most people can do this conciously, though I'm sure they do 
it to conform socially. Some apparantly need to use drugs that 
induce the emotions that they want. I've never asked I suppose, 
which isn't surprising given that I need this much text to explain 
myslef, plus I don't really know anyone in a way that permits 
asking such personal questions these days. I guess you, reader, 
would be welcome to answer by Phlog or Email if you so wish.

 - The Free Thinker