KEEPING CONTROL

I seem to have settled into a natural habit of posting something 
every weekend. I'm not sure whether I like that, because if I don't 
really have anything to say, if it's just talking to a computer in 
lieu of a friend or partner, then that's kind-of pathetic. Or is 
it? Maybe this is just an easier means to the same end? I don't 
know, maybe I'm just afraid of fitting a stereotype, but I'm weird 
enough that I don't really fit them anyway, which just emphasises 
that it doesn't matter anyway, I think.

Well I've been thinking, possibly brought on by an evening watching 
documentaries on TV (a pretty broad one about AI, and Louis 
Theroux's third documentary about the porn industry - why have I 
spent more time watching docos about porn than actual porn 
itself?), about dynamics of power. Specifically about my own 
aversion to being under the control of others, even indirectly. But 
more broadly about how such aversions within the narrow range of 
choices available in one's life can easily lead to decisions based 
on fear which are detached from real outcomes.

In the case of control, I know that I dislike feeling controlled by 
others, not so much physically but in terms of my way of thinking. 
Getting away from that by avoiding a regular sort of career has 
worked so far. Yet with running my own business, growth eventually 
means needing to employ others, putting myself in a position of 
control. This is, on face value, attractive, because in theory 
those with control over others have more control over their own 
lives - harnessing others to achieve their own desires. The trouble 
is that there is such an infrastructure for controlling people who 
control others, mostly from government. That in turn soon 
necessitates handing off the task of fulfilling government demands 
to other employees, who themselves then take control to some 
degree. It's complicated, and potentially manipulative in exactly 
the way I fear.

Would I be better off controlled, but in some lowly position, 
bottom of the food chain where most worries are someone else's 
problem? Forgive the sillyness of this sentence, but do the 
controlled have more control than the controllers?

For this reason I do in some sense envy the cleaners, the security 
guards, etc.. Not just because they can make embarrassingly more 
money than me (though, well, mainly that), but also because they 
don't have to worry about other people any more than I do.

I think a mix of things is the real answer for me. I already do a 
little bit of farm hand work, and perhaps I should try to find 
something more regular in that line. I'd like to also pursue 
aspects of self-sufficiency, as that is the most obvious answer to 
the problem of external control, up to the point that you start 
thinking about things like council rates and medical expenses at 
least. But all that together is a bit much to keep on top of 
really, at least for someone lazy at heart like me.

Alternatively my dream is to set up a popular major website that is 
automated enough that I can run it myself until it's worth enough 
to sell to some evil company for millions and then I can live off 
investments for the rest of my life. I do have an idea for this, 
but there would be a _lot_ of work in it. Plus nobody I talk to 
'gets' it, which may be a bad sign.

Perhaps if I'd followed a different path without fear of the 
apparant control from an employer, and less ambition to really 
achieve very much, I wouldn't find the choices so hard at this 
stage? I resist such revisionist thoughts because I don't believe 
that you can be yourself and yet have made another person's 
decisions in the past, but as a theoretical question it's 
interesting. Are the goals and fears that drive big choices in life 
usually even associated with a real outcome? If not then why follow 
them? Is it all just a random path steered towards an imaginary 
fate? I guess based on outcomes it usually is, but that seems 
excessively depressing.

 - The Free Thinker