TALKING ABOUT TALK

I've had a few ideas for things to write but I haven't got around 
to it and now I don't really care. It's curious how Tfurrows 
recently mentioned how he feels he can always write a phlog post, 
compared to creative writing were he has to be in the right mood. 
On the latter that certainly applies to me as well, but I also find 
so often that I open up a text editor to write one of these posts 
and sit there never typing anything, maybe for just a few minutes, 
maybe for almost an hour until I'm out of time anyway. Maybe it's 
because silence is my habit. Once I start talking openly I go on 
and on for ages, hence why I always run out of time for this phlog, 
but there's a significant mental shift to get into that mode after 
keeping thoughts to myself for so long. I'm actually getting pretty 
bad a finding words to use in conversation too, just through lack 
of practise.

Almost all these posts are born out of me sitting and thinking to 
myself in silence, and I often wonder whether silence is where my 
thoughts should stay. I don't know whether I really want to share 
them particularly, because I've kept on writing this stuff even 
when it's not uploaded. Maybe it's just an exercise to take my 
thoughts a little further, or maybe it's simply to avoid a sense of 
loss from forgetting them shortly. Probably the latter really - I'm 
too proud of myself to cope with the thought of all my great 
observations being lost within a week between the cracks in my 
memory, such that all I remember is having though about the topic 
before, conclusion forgotten. But that really is just the evolution 
of personality. I'm trying to fix my conclusions, but I'll come to 
other ones later and disown my own words anyway, so what's the 
point?

No, I guess there rather obviously isn't one, it's just a 
background need for socialisation, as I think I have concluded here 
before, which reinforces what I said just before. Indeed I feel 
like I'd like someone, well a pretty woman really, to talk to 
freely. But it occours to me that the more you know someone, 
inevitably the more incentive you have to hold things back from 
them. As soon as some sort of relationship is formed, it becomes 
something to lose, and the currency you exchange for it is the form 
of yourself that the other person likes, so you're increasingly 
trapped by that picture of yourself that you think the other person 
holds in their mind. I might be completely wrong about that, but 
I've always been a little addicted to conforming to other 
individual's expectations of me, even when it becomes largely a 
lie. Maybe if I tried, I could actively ignore that desire, but 
it's not like I've got new relationship opportunities to experiment 
with anyway. Either way if this serves the need well enough, then 
maybe it doesn't matter, and if I'm not even publishing it anymore 
then I'm certainly not building any expectations from anyone. Maybe 
a false objective for this whole thing is actually perfect for me? 
Probably not.

On the other hand I've been thinking about publishing some of my 
dodgy movie plots. I used to think I might try and made a low 
budget movie from one some day, but I'd surely hate 90% of the 
whole process and never have much chance of making a living off it 
anyway. I also can't write dialogue. Maybe that's unsurprising 
given how little I socialise myself, but trying to imagine how 
other people would talk to each other is just weird. I mean I can 
just have everyone talk in movie cliches, which is arguably all 
anyone expects from a B movie anyway, but that's more of a 
ChatGPT-esque phrase reorganisation approach to writing than a 
truely creative one. Anyway I decided that seeing as there wasn't 
any point to trying to keep it within a plausible budget anymore, 
the other day I added a car chase scene to my horror movie plot, 
tied in with a bit of extra sex and vaguely-correlated violence.

 - The Free Thinker.