________  ________  ________
   2019-07-12                                   /        \/        \/    /   \
                                               /       __/         /_       _/
   I have a confession to make. Back in  May  /        _/         /         /
I  talked about "trying dextromethorphan one  \_______/_\___/____/\___/____/_
time" but what I really should have said  is    /        \/        \/    /   \
I tried it one time,  then  again  and  then   /        _/         /_       _/
developed an embarrassingly  persistent robo  /-        /        _/         /
habit. I secretly,  and  now I suppose semi-  \________/\________/\___/____/
publicly, love it to death.

   I'd never  messed with  dissociatives or really had  any  interest in them,
psychedelics were far more fascinating, but now I'm sold.

   I mentioned before that someone I  was speaking to online would combine the
dex with codeine and I had one pill left from the last box  I was gifted so on
the day after my uncle's death I took the two together and it was beautiful.

   In my life I am never still, my mind  rattles with  ideas and anxieties and
my body fidgets  endlessly with allergies and tics, but for two or three hours
I just stopped,  completely. My mind was  empty,  my body  was  still.  I  was
nowhere but where I was, no future wants or needs or plans, no past  anxieties
repeating in my mind ad-nauseam.

   I sat at the  kitchen table, I made a pot of tea and savored it, I listened
to music and was lost in it.

   It's  been  so  long since I'd  listened  to music without  a goal, without
trying to build  a playlist or  using it as a  motivator or  distraction. Just
letting myself absorb it.

   It was unlike anything I'd  felt before. I was at  absolute peace. Is  that
how "normal" feels? Freed from an anxious brain and freed from an aching body?

   The heady high lasted  maybe  about three or four hours,  I remember I  was
still floating but much more lucid by the time my wife came home, and I was on
my second pot of tea.

   I jokingly refer  to  my usual dose of  codeine and  caffeine  as  "getting
online" because it's such a fantastic balance for me to get my body out of the
way and let my brain work hard. If that combination is online then codeine and
dex is not  only offline, it's computer switched off  and  modem packed tidily
away so you can go stand in a sunbeam.

   Now that's out in  the open, my  next FAX SEX file won't be about death  or
drugs, I promise ahahaha.



EOF