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#Post#: 983--------------------------------------------------
The mount of destruction [Denied]
By: Ryanrider Date: December 8, 2012, 8:58 am
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Cold winter December. The time had come, the end was near, Zack
Night was lying on the street as if he had no home, that is,
that's what people thought, he was knocked cold by a blast from
the mount very close to him, was he alive!? After five days, he
was finally awake to find rubble beside him and the mount was
beginning to shake, it was about to blow. It was time for Zack
to prove what he was. It was a mad rush, civilians running
around the perimeter, the entire city was covered with emergency
services and local phones. It was nearly time. Zack was halfway
up the scale to the top when a gigantic ape pranced on him, the
mount teared his clothes apart, he had scratches of blood
everywhere, he had to succeed. Eventually he was there, dagger
in hand prepared to strike the switch, he counted to himself "1,
2, 3"! He lashed out with full force and the switch propped out
of place and flew away, as the eruption slowly began to stop,
cheers could be heard below, since then, Zack was treated like
the city's hero.
#Post#: 984--------------------------------------------------
Re: The mount of destruction [application]
By: Ryanrider Date: December 8, 2012, 9:00 am
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There we go
#Post#: 1257--------------------------------------------------
Re: The mount of destruction [application]
By: supercool08 Date: December 10, 2012, 8:59 pm
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Looks pretty good. :) I do want to mention however that you
switched from present to past tense in the beginning of the
second sentence, as well as you should add a period somewhere in
the first sentence so that you do not create a run-on. Otherwise
I think it was well written.
#Post#: 1262--------------------------------------------------
Re: The mount of destruction [application]
By: bob123f Date: December 10, 2012, 9:54 pm
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Cool story, Ryan. The suspense and action within it make it
interesting. :)
#Post#: 1266--------------------------------------------------
Re: The mount of destruction [application]
By: Ryanrider Date: December 11, 2012, 11:23 am
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[quote author=bob123f link=topic=126.msg1262#msg1262
date=1355198080]
Cool story, Ryan. The suspense and action within it make it
interesting. :)
[/quote][quote author=supercool08 link=topic=126.msg1257#msg1257
date=1355194769]
Looks pretty good. :) I do want to mention however that you
switched from present to past tense in the beginning of the
second sentence, as well as you should add a period somewhere in
the first sentence so that you do not create a run-on. Otherwise
I think it was well written.
[/quote]
Thanks, both of you
#Post#: 1319--------------------------------------------------
Re: The mount of destruction [application]
By: blackmustangs075 Date: December 12, 2012, 5:40 pm
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Denied. Events in the plot happen too fast. There is no
backround on any of the characters and it didn't provide a valid
Problem/Solution. It seems that the story was just thrown
together very quickly. You may apply again on December 26th if
the world hasn't ended yet.
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