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#Post#: 4562--------------------------------------------------
moonlit hour ~new [Denied]
By: whtever Date: January 27, 2013, 12:18 pm
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I couldn't sleep. A brilliant moonbeam was slanting through a
gap in the curtains. It was shining right on to my pillow. My
parents in our house had been asleep for hours. I closed my eyes
and lay quite still. I tried very hard to doze off. It was no
good. The moonbeam was like a silver blade slicing through the
room on to my face. The house was absolutely silent. No voices
came up from downstairs. There were no footsteps on the floor
above either. The window behind the curtain was wide open, but
nobody was walking on the pavement outside. No cars went by on
the street. Not the tiniest sound could be heard anywhere. I had
never known such a silence. I couldn't stand it any longer, I
just had to get up. I close the curtain and the slicing moonbeam
had disappeared. All of a sudden My light went off. I lay in the
dark frightened to death. I shivered all over leaving goose
bumps all over my body. I screamed. This had to be the worst
night of my life. My parents shoot through the door. Then I told
my parents about the worst night of my life. They change my
bulb. They tell me about a story called moonlit hour, but this
wasn't a story, this was real.
#Post#: 4571--------------------------------------------------
Re: moonlit hour ~new [application]
By: bob123f Date: January 27, 2013, 12:41 pm
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[glow=red,2,300]Denied.[/glow] You went over the max: 500
character limit. Sorry, but I must follow the recruiter rules.
This was a very nice story and had only a few typos. I
especially loved the line:
"The moonbeam was like a silver blade slicing through the room
on to my face."
In this line you used 3 key things:
1. You used a simile. (A simile is a comparison between 2 or
more words that uses "like" or "as" to compare. An example of a
simile:
"The blade shone in the sunshine like a fiery dagger prepared to
unleash an inferno on anyone who did not have the absolute
pleasure of wielding it." (Notice the "like" that compares the
two ideas)?
2. You used alliteration. (Alliteration is using the same letter
2 or more times in words. Here's an example of alliteration:
The snake slithered silently through the silver stream. (Notice
all of the s's in the sentence?)
3. You used imagery. Imagery is the art of using very
descriptive words to put an image in the reader's head. An
example of imagery:
The enraged warlord shook with fury as he pledged his wrath to
the group of amateur adventurers." (Notice the descriptive words
"fury" and "wrath")?
All in all, I thought it was a very nice story. But I have to
deny it because it went over the 500 character limit. Sorry. You
may reapply February 9th.
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