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My Horrid Parent
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#Post#: 69--------------------------------------------------
Guilt
By: clare low Date: April 17, 2017, 4:09 am
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Do you feel guilty when you cut ties from your horrid parent?
How do you keep communicating with your kinder parent?
#Post#: 70--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: Pootles Date: April 17, 2017, 6:08 am
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I've totally been through this and come out the other side.
My Dad has Narcisstic Personality Disorder (amongst other
things!) and is controlling and abusive.
I tried to minimise contact and confronted him about his
manipulation a few years before cutting all ties - and as a
result got several years of abusive letters for birthdays and
Christmasses. I tried to maintain contact with my Mum by sending
her cards etc but he either withheld them or used them as a way
to torture my Mum - he left a phone message with my Mum in tears
because I hadn't sent him a birthday card and I'd sent her a
Mothers Day card.
I cut contact 11 years ago. It was the best thing I could do - I
knew it was the best thing for me as I'd had several mental
health episodes as a result. I suddenly realised I was ALLOWING
him to torture me.
It was hard - I felt very guilty for a long time. But I reminded
myself why I was doing it. I was also standing up and saying
that my Dads behaviour was not ok.
All family holidays were hard. Especially Mothers Day etc. My
relationship with my sisters was incredibly difficult.
But I knew I was doing the right thing for me.
I also worked behind the scenes to try to help my Mum. I sent
all the abusive letters to my Mums doctor and social services
got involved.
Fast forward 11 years. My Mum was finally sectioned (she had
been setting fire to the house, Dad had been locking her in,
they had both been banned from the church due to their
behaviour)
My Mum was in hospital for 6 months. Luckily she reached out to
my sister. Otherwise we would have never known what had happened
as to this day Dad has not discussed it with any of us
Mum is finally on the right treatment. The unit saw Dads
behaviour first hand and banned him from visiting.
She has now left him and is in an independant flat
I can't tell you how difficult it has been.
Six months on from her release. I am now in daily contact with
my Mum. My sisters are still not in regular contact.
Mum is in a care assisted home. She wants no contact with my
Dad. He is still trying to harass her.
Police and domestic violence advocates are on the case.
I am so glad I got her out. I never thought I would. We have a
long long way to go but it is definately helping me to heal. Mum
is only just starting on that journey.
So - there is light at the end of the tunnel.
But always remember. You are important too. You have a choice.
Do you let them ruin your life and your self esteem.
One thing I was told - you are not responsible for your parents
happiness!! It was a eureka moment for me.
#Post#: 71--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: CarolineMills Date: April 17, 2017, 11:56 am
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My father was the gentle parent, he died when I was 15. My
mother told me it was my fault he died because he had worked
himself to death to spoil me. I'm still amazed that anyone could
say that to a child who had just lost her father. After he died
we found out he was having an affair, not surprising as my
mother treated him the same way as me, always nagging, always
criticising. I always wondered how life might have panned out if
he hadn't died...would he have left and taken me with him?
I didn't have to leave home. As soon as I started work, my
mother sold the house and moved to the coast. I was working in
London so I had to find a bedsit, but at least it meant I got
away.
I have no guilt at all, she was a total bitch. I have no family
of my own, I couldn't take the chance that I would turn out like
her, and I had no other example to follow.
My mother died at 95, still sniping at me.
#Post#: 150--------------------------------------------------
My Horrid Aunt
By: Astra Argent Date: November 27, 2017, 9:22 am
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I had a Horrid Mother and my father was emotionally absent from
both the marriage and his relationship with me, but following
their deaths, my healing is now being challenged by a Horrid
Aunt.
She's my father's only surviving sister-in-law and has always
been difficult to deal with. Neither of my parents could stand
her. She can twist whatever you say to her and lives in her own
world where her own rules apply. She can use an ordinary
conversation to attack you, your beliefs, how you live your
life, etc. She is superior, condescending and thinks she knows
everything about everything.
I asked for some more social contact and support last year
(we've never been close and she's never encouraged me to call on
or contact her) and after a family pow-wow and in which I was
not allowed to take part, she told me it had been decided none
of them wanted to be involved with me and told me to find myself
a support worker. I was upset, but wasn't surprised by the
decision. I presumed that would be that and I'd never have to
worry about her again. How wrong I was. A couple of times
since we've passed on the street and she's spoken to me as if
everything's normal. That I cannot understand or cope with.
The first time she said "Just because we're not interested in
you doesn't mean we can't speak." That floored me.
Unfortunately, moving away isn't an option, so I need to be able
to cope with the possibility of coming across her in the street.
The last time that happened, she passed comment on the weather
as if we had a normal relationship and it hit me for six. My
cousins are very much on her side.
I'm very lucky to have friends who care, but the possibility of
seeing her upsets me. How do I cope with this?
#Post#: 151--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: clare low Date: November 30, 2017, 7:37 am
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Hi Astra,
Thank you so much for your story. It is so impressive that
following the deaths of your parents you have been able to start
to heal and make progress in becoming yourself. It is so sad to
read that your horrid aunt is starting to undermine you with
this behaviour. She does sound like she fits the mould of a
difficult person by having a family pow-wow and excluding you.
Such controlling behaviour towards another adult is not
acceptable. Neither is persuading your cousins to fall in with
her wishes. It is also unfortunate that you do not have the
option of moving away so you will continue to encounter them in
the street.
Our advice would be that you have little option but to accept
this to be the case. Try and keep those encounters in the street
and avoid any more personal involvement. So anticipate that you
may bump into one of them and be prepared to pass them with a
brief but neutral comment such as you may give the postman or
other local person. So perhaps simply say 'hello, wet day isn't
it?' and pass by. If you take the initiative with this it may
reduce your horror and astonishment at her lack of feeling
towards you.
Continue to focus on your group of friends as they will be able
to give you far more support, affection and friendship than your
local family by the sound of it. Hang on to your dreams!
Good luck,
Alyson
#Post#: 278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: Jockess Date: January 29, 2018, 3:55 am
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I have just recently had a bust up with my parents. I am 42 and
I can take it no longer. My father and mother live 500 miles
away and we’re here visiting. Long story short they walked out
and went back to their hotel. They won’t stay with us due to
young children, they can’t stand the noise, chat or anything
else that young children do. They are heavy drinkers and can not
cope with a hangover and a 5 year old! I feel awful at the
moment, like an ungrateful teenager. They have mentally abused
me for years. I am happily married, just recently moved and none
of it is good enough for them. I am constantly seeking approval
& I want to stop. I am not speaking to them after yesterday and
I feel an incredible amount of relief. This makes me also feel
guilty. I cannot remember the last time they paid me a
compliment or made me happy.
Finding this website has given me hope and shown me that it’s
not ok to take whatever your parents throw at you because of the
simple fact they are your parents: I have brother and they are
ultra mean to him too but he’s better at giving it back to them
than I am.
#Post#: 280--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: Jennifer Date: January 30, 2018, 9:24 am
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Hi jockess I totally understand where your coming from, it’s
good by the sound of it that you do 500 mls away , I am a little
older than you but when I was married my mother still had a go
at me ,I was in my late thirties. She wanted all the attention
she told me when I was getting married in fact on my wedding day
to remember that she still came first not my husband talk about
making my day special. My mother used to come for tea every
Wednesday no matter whether I had something on or not , she
brought two horrible snappy dogs who would growl if the kids
went near them and she would make such a fuss of the dogs and
ignore the child that was crying over it .I can’t give you
advice I only know that I would estrange myself from them, I
never got the opportunity or so I thought but looking back I
could have shut the door on them there would be nothing they
could have done and my life would have been so much sweeter good
luck with what you decide, I think in my day it wasn’t so easy
to break away but you are halfway there living so far away, our
parents sometimes need to learn that we too as their children
need respect too
#Post#: 282--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: clare low Date: January 31, 2018, 4:15 pm
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Hi Jockess I am so glad that you have found the website and do
hope that you also find it helpful and supportive. It is tough
when you have a bust up with your parents and totally
understandable that you have mixed feelings of both relief and
guilt. I do hope that you find the strength and encouragement to
protect yourself and your family from any unkindness from your
parents. It is terrific that you are happily married with your
own children and live away from your parents. You will find
other healthy sources of approval.
Onwards and upwards!
Good luck - Alyson
#Post#: 326--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: Lana Date: December 2, 2018, 2:08 pm
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No guilt. Tried for over 5 decades to "reach her". I was
literally drowning in her toxicity and chose to walk away. And
I knew that I would be ostracized by everyone, which is exactly
what happened. Onward and upward.
#Post#: 329--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guilt
By: steved Date: January 19, 2019, 12:51 pm
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Lana and Jockess you must understand that it is NOT your fault
that your parents are rotten or malicious, and equally know you
are not isolated cases there are loads and loads of us who have
been hurt and betrayed by the very people who were supposed to
nurture and protect us.
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