----------------------------------------
       Chemistry
       March 19th, 2018
       ----------------------------------------
       
       There's definitely something going on in my brain. I slipped off
       my good diet and have been eating like crap again the last couple
       weeks. On the one hand there's great pleasure in the moment while
       downing a patty melt, but I know the costs are so high on my body
       and my mind. How can I get myself to stop the cycle even when
       logic screams at me to do so and I ignore it?
       
       This latest attempt lasted about 3 months until I caved and
       started walking the dangerous edge with sugar and carbs. Then, as
       always happens, I had a bad day and let it all go.
       
       This weekend has been awful. I've felt terrible both in body and
       in my psyche. I have no care or love for the things I'm doing. My
       hobbies seem boring. My job is a chore that I'd walk away from if
       there was any way to do it financially. My mind goes to dark
       places and I feel alone.
       
       This is chemistry at work in my brain, or gut, or whatever. I know
       how the hormones lie. I see it clearly, but like the diet itself
       my logic can't seem to override the rest.
       
       Tommorow I'll go back on my diet, I can decide. That will fix it,
       and it surely will if I follow through. Why is there any effort
       needed? Why am I sitting here fearing that tomorrow I'll get up
       and make a bowl of cereal instead of bacon and eggs? Why, when
       I know with absolute certainty that everything in my life will be
       better as a result. I'll even be happier with the taste of it in
       the moment. What the hell is wrong with my brain when that's even
       in question?