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                              The Great Car Caper
                                        
We're still working out my Dad's estate and today Bunny and I decided to get
the car from his place to Chez Boca. This was complicated because:

  1. his car was never registered in Florida;
  2. it still has a California plate;
  3. said plate has been expired for over two years;
  4. which means the registration has been expired for over two years;
  5. and we still haven't found the title to the car.

Fun times.

We worked out that Bunny would drive us to Dad's place, and I would drive
back with the car, with Bunny following closely behind to obscure the expired
California tag on the car. Even so, I was expecting the following scenario to
play out:

Sean: Hello, Officer!
Officer: Driver's license, registration and proof of insurance, please.
Sean: Certainly. Here's my driver's license. Here's my proof of insurance.
      The car is not mine, but it did belong to my dad—here's his driver's
      license. He recently died, here's his death certificate, and my birth
      certificate to show that I'm his son. Also, I can't locate the
      registration to this car, which is expired, but I did find the bill of
      sale …
Officer: Sir, step out of the car.
Sean: Officer?
Officer: Sir, I have to ask you to step out of the car.
Sean: Oh bother … 

Instead, it went more like this …

Sean: What the? He has an alarm?
Bunny: Hit the button on the fob! This one!
Sean: Thanks. Oh great! The interior lights don't work.
Bunny: I hope the battery is still good.
Sean: It started!
Bunny: Good!
Sean: But it's out of gas!
Bunny: We should have gone back for the gas can! I can't believe we forgot
       it! There's a gas station just around the corner.
Sean: Okay. Um … we best hurry, I'm not sure how much gas I have left.
Bunny: Okay.
Sean: Okay Bunny … why are you standing around? Get in the car … in the car …
      okay good! She's backing up … a bit more … a bit … oh, she's going
      first, okay. Let me back up and … um … Bunny? Go forward … forward …
      are you … are you turning around? Why are you turning around? I'm going
      to go that way … why? Aaaaah! Okay, got around her. I can drive to the
      gas station.
Sean: Oh, I don't know what side of the car the gas cap is on. Okay, I think
      that gas pump symbol means its on the passenger side. Let me pull up,
      stop the car and … no. It's on the other side. What? I've set off the
      alarm again? Sigh. Let me navigate around …
Sean: Okay, how do I open the fuel filler door? No visible latch. Pushing on
      the door doesn't open it. Oh, don't tell me there's a switch inside the
      cabin. Sigh. Okay, where's the latch? Oh, there. And it's not working.
      Oh, don't tell me the car has to be on for it to work? And it's still
      not working! Hey! What's with this seat? I'm being crushed by the seat!
      What the—
Sean: Okay, maybe there's a latch in the trunk to open the fuel filler door …
      okay, the trunk button on the fob isn't working … let me try the key …
      let me try the other key … let me try … oh yes, none of the buttons in
      the cabin will open anything. Okay … maybe I can borrow a crow bar …
Bunny: I didn't know there was a gas station here!
Sean: This is the gas station around the corner, right? And why did you turn
      around back at the apartment?
Bunny: No, there's one over there! And because that gas station was that
       direction. Have you filled up already?
Sean: Oh XXXX no. Try opening the fuel filler door.
Bunny: Um … okay is there something in the cabin? Oh, here … is it open?
Sean: Nope.
Bunny: Did you try opening the trunk?
Sean: Couldn't open it.
Bunny: Let me try. Oh, I guess you loosened it for me.
Sean: Oh, that's what I'm looking for—the “fuel filler door release emergency
      handle!” Good Lord!
Bunny: You good now?
Sean: Yes. Let me fill up and we can get going.
Bunny: Also, your head lights weren't on.
Sean: They were on!
Bunny: No they weren't.
Sean: See … oh, they aren't on.
Bunny: Now they are.
Sean: But those are the high-beams! I can't drive here with the high-beams
      on!
Bunny: You can't drive without lights! Just keep them on!
Sean: But … 
Bunny: Just do it.
Sean: Okay, Nike.
Bunny: I'll follow you home.
Sean: Okay, I have enough fuel, I have the seat under control, now how the
      XXXX do I get out of here? Man, I can't see through this windshield,
      let me clean it … oh lovely! No fluid and the wipers are scraping
      across the windshield. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Sean: Oh Good Lord! The “check engine” light is on, the “parking break” light
      is on? What? Okay, where's the lever or button for that? Oh there … and
      it does nothing. Let me call Bunny … Hello?
Bunny: Hello! Where are you?
Sean: I'm on Dixie Highway headed home.
Bunny: I thought I was going to follow you home!
Sean: At this point, I just want this to be over! The dashboard is lit up
      like a Christmas Tree and I don't think the parking break works, so I
      don't think I'll be able to park in the driveway.
Bunny: Just park in the driveway. It'll be fine enough.
Sean: Okay.

Other than blinding everbody else on the road, a dirty windshield that I
could barely see through, over 211,450 miles on it and a dash board light up
like a Christmas Tree, nothing else happened on the way back to Chez Boca.
Although the thought of leaving it burning on the side of I-95 has crossed my
mind … 


Email author at sean@conman.org

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