Mutant League Football Copyright 2013 theken316@gmail.com This FAQ is property of me, Ken Wilson, and may be not be reproduced in part or as a whole under any circumstances except for personal, private use.It may not be placed on any web site other than the sites listed below or otherwise distributed publicly without advance written permission. Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright. Full permission given to gamefaqs.com and neoseeker.com as of 4/15/2014. Any other individuals, websites, or businesses that wish to use this walkthrough, email me for permission any day of the week. Questions? Tips? Did I leave something out? Email me. Table of contents 1.Why are you writing this faq now? [whynow] 2.Welcome to the Mutant League [MLF] 3.Setup[setupyo] 4.General Strategy and Tips [genstrat] 5.The Teams (strategy guide)[teamstrat] Zero Skull Teams [0skull] -Sixty Whiners [dontdoit] One Skull Teams [1skull] -Killer Konvicts [aortaop] -Road Warriors [aargh] Two Skull Teams [2skull] -Screaming Evils [zzzzz] -Icebay Bashers [soweak] -Vile Vulgars [kapow] -Rad Rockers [eyeball] Three Skull Teams [3skull] -Terminator Trolz [nooffense] -Midway Monsters [sobland] -Slaycity Slayers [slayeeer] -Psycho Slashers [lockmeup] -Turbo Techies [beepboop Four Skull Teams [4skull] -Darkstar Dragons [allgood] -War Slammers [muchpain] -Misfit Demons [dontpass] -Deathskin Razors [closeshave] 6.Bonus Coverage [extratime] -Best All-Star Team [starseverywhere] -Best Team Bracket [suddendeath] 7.The Future [futurehope] 1.Why are you writing this faq now? [whynow] Well, well, well. Over the nearly thirty years I’ve been alive, there have been lots of games along the way. Most of my favorites are more current --Bioshock, God of War, Red Dead Redemption, and the big Blizzard games--but my all-time favorite since I was about eight years old has always been Mutant League Football. I have beaten this game every way you can beat it with virtually every combination of teams you can have, and I’ve enjoyed it start to finish. The man behind it, Michael Mendheim, has been looking to reboot the series. I, along with many others, were pumped when it went to Kickstarter. But ultimately, the decision to go mobile sunk the project before it could even start. However, he’s aiming to try again with a PC port, and for that reason, it’s time to look into my favorite game and one of the best sports simulation games of all time. If you’ve been delaying, now’s the time to stop and really experience this amazing game. 2.Welcome to the Mutant League [MLF] People either love or hate football. Sometimes, you get a hipster who insists you call it "handegg" because that joke is so incredibly hilarious, but by and large, most people have a team they love, a team they hate, a team they follow, or at the very least, a team they are passively aware of. So, forget all of that. Mutant League Football has quite a bit in common with real football: an offense, a defense, penalties, 6 points for a touchdown, 3 for a field goal, etc. But then, instead of people, you have skeletons, trolls, aliens, super humans, and robots engaged in a battle to the death over a normally friendly game. It’s not uncommon to see bodies litter the field at the end of any given play. Even if you don’t like football, this game is worth a chance. The plays are basic. There’s no need to obsess over defense, since most defensive plays cover both running and passing plays and once you play it enough, you’ll be able to see the patterns of offense and take control of the player you need to stop the play before it starts. On offense, the running plays (highlighted in blue) tell you if you’re running left or right, passing plays (highlighted in yellow) give you a simple chart of where your receivers are going, and option plays (highlighted in green) are made to either let your quarterback or running back throw or scramble. On defense, you have plays better against the pass (in yellow), against the run (in green), and all out blitzes (in blue), but like I said, most defensive plays are good against either. Obviously, those details would be best left in the strategy section, but in this case, I’m trying to reach out to new fans, not established ones, or try to help the established ones get the upper hand. That’s right, new fans--this is a very simple layout that even people who don’t understand football can easily grasp. And it’s totally worth it. 3.General Strategy, Setup, and Tips [setupyo] Congratulations! You successfully made it past the title screen. Now, what the heck are all of these options? At the top, you have your team selection. Player 1, by default, is on the right, and the computer player is on the left. The right team is the home team, who start off with the ball and will generally wear more vibrant uniforms. The left team is the away team, who kick off to start the game and will wear white uniforms and the same skin as their home team. Each team is rated in skulls, from 0 to 5, with 0 being pathetic and 5 being an all-star team. You can toggle if you are the home or away team by highlighting the area marked Pad 1 and Sega. Hit left or right to switch who is home or away. Next is Game Mode, which has several choices that I’ll go over. It begins with Single Game, which is exactly what you think it is: one single game. Any team against any team. You can use all-star teams in this mode, and any team from any conference can face each other (in playoff mode, the 8 teams from the Maniac Conference can only face each other until the Mutant Bowl, likewise with the Toxic Conference). It’s simple mutant football-- kill, maim, and score, and at the end of the game, the highest score wins. Playoff mode is the next option (to the right). It begins a four game series with the team of your choice battling for supremacy of the Mutant League, ending with the Mutant Bowl. After each game, you’re given a password so you don’t have to play them all in a row. Write it down or do what I do and take a picture of it with your phone, unless you want to start from the beginning every time. Playoffs work in a sudden death format: win and move on, lose and you’re out. Win four times and you’re the champion. Note that you can’t use all-star teams in the playoffs. To the right of that is Continue Playoffs. This is where you enter your password. Man, that’s a lot of 1s. The last option of this row is Practice. The team of your choice’s offense takes the field and you can get a feel for plays. However, there is no defense, so all this mode really does is tell you which audibles you have and give you a little quip about your team, and I’m going to do that for you in this guide. How nice of me! The next option is Quarter Length. 3, 5, or 8 minutes. This is my favorite game of all time and 8 minute quarters are somewhat torturous. I stick with 3. The next option lets you select which field you’ll play on. This only works in practice or single game mode, but it always defaults to the home team. Once you’ve played the game a bit, you’ll get a feel for the fields, but until then, see later sections in this guide for descriptions of each. The next option down is Reserves. This is where Mutant League Football takes a huge step away from conventional football. Each team has 7 offense players and 7 defensive players every snap of the game. If you play with reserves set to off, those 7 guys are the 7 you get the entire game. If they die in any way, they come back next play. If you play with reserves on, the game gets either remarkably more difficult or a bit easier, depending on the Death Index you choose (more on that in a moment). Reserves are basically substitutes. If one of your players dies, the next reserve in line takes his place. If your best player is hidden in the reserves (rare but possible), you can use them any snap of the game. As you look through your reserves, you’ll see a health bar on each player which will slowly wear down depending on what happens to them. If you run out of named players, you’ll eventually run into players that only exist to be reserves (the last two letters of their names are "us" or "it"). They are terrible. Really, really terrible. However, the only position completely exempt from reserves are blockers, who will come back no matter how many times they die. If you choose to play with reserves on, you can also make the clock run while you’re doing that to enforce a more strict time constraint on yourself or your opponent, if it’s a multiplayer game. The second to last option is Death Index. You have five options: Rough (incredibly hard to kill anything with a hit, though field hazards will still kill you); Bloody (not as hard to get a kill as Rough, but you won’t see too many deaths per game); Bone Breaking (weak players will fall over pretty easily, but it’ll take a few good hits to take a strong player out); Slaughter (weak players will die pretty much every play, and most players will die in a few solid hits); and my personal favorite, Annihilation (weak players will die from incidental damage constantly, medium players are pretty easy to kill, and most strong players will die in a few good hits). Depending on your skill level, this can be seen as a difficulty setting--if you are having a hard enough time reading offenses or running against the defense, set it to a lower setting so your players won’t die. If you’re ready for action, put it on annihilation and enjoy the carnage. The final option is game speed. This is self-explanatory, as you can either play fast or slow. Slow is fairly excruciating, so put it on fast. 4.General Strategy and Tips [genstrat] You’re ready to play! You picked your team, you know if you’re playing with reserves or not, to the death or to the pain, and in the playoffs or not. First thing’s first: let’s find out what the buttons do. As with the vast majority of games, start pauses the game. During the game, pausing also allows you to view a replay of the last play with A or call timeout with B. In practice mode, C will take you back to the main menu from the pause screen instead. Gameplay-wise, the buttons are simple: A: Tackle if you don’t have the ball, dive for a couple of extra yards if you do. Before the snap, it lets you call an audible. Every team has the same offense and defense audibles: Offense, Running Plays: A,A,A- Reverses the play. If you were running left, now you’re running right. On passing plays, it exchanges the routes of your receivers and reverses them. A,A,B- ShuttleL. A basic running play to the left, and a very strong one at that. A,A,C- CrashNBrn. There are no kneel downs in this game, but this is the closest thing to it as you’ll get. You hand it off to your running back, who then dives up the middle, essentially giving himself up. He’ll be abused for a while before the play ends, so try not to do this with a weaker running back. Offense, Passing Plays: A,B,A- SlayActn. In the real world, this is a play action play, designed to look like a running play that turns out to be a pass. In practice here, against a decent defense, it’s a license to be sacked. Either your receivers will get open quickly or they won’t and you’ll have to go for a short gain with your running back. A,B,B- HailScary. One of the best passing plays that exists if you have a good quarterback. I cover it more a bit later. A,B,C- Deathbone. An unusual option play. Your running back falls behind you and runs alongside you so you can toss it to him if your receivers can’t get open. Generally, not a very good play. Defense, Running Plays: A,A,A- Guts Blitz. An all-out blitz. Good when backed up to your goal line or when you have them at theirs. It puts insane pressure on the quarterback and running back, but it does leave receivers with minimal coverage. A,A,B- Man Left. This has your blitzers rush left. Helpful if that’s where the running back lines up. A,A,C- Man Right. Take a wild guess! Defense, Passing Plays: A,B,A- Full Zone. The opposite of the guts blitz, your defense plays conservatively. Defense backs stick to their receivers and linebackers help, while your three designated blitzers (some plays are meant for two blitzers, and calling an audible to one with three forces a linebacker forward) are the only three putting pressure on the quarterback. A,B,B- BumpNStun. A short range blitz with pass coverage. This is useful in non-reserve games, but not as an audible: if your best blitzer is normally a reserve (such as the Deathskin Razors), the three blitzer format brings him out of the reserves. A,B,C- Kill Deep. Very similar to Full Zone, only with a wider range. Full Zone is meant for shorter plays, Kill Deep is meant for longer. Calling an audible and selecting choice C will bring up nasty audibles, which are basically extra rough or super powered plays. Each team has a unique set, and I’ll cover them later. Aside from one. A,C,C- Kill Ref. Every team can do this. Once per half, teams can bribe the ref to call minor, 5 yard penalties on their opponents until he’s killed. ACC will do that for another five yard penality. You can bribe the ref, again once per half, by choosing the Bribe Ref play from the Wild formation as offense of Special formation as defense. If you bribed the ref and your opponent is trying to kill him, you are actually in control of the ref for the duration of the play. Run him into a non-lethal pit or out of bounds and they’ll have to try again and again. But note there’s no reason to do this unless the referee is clearly bribed-he’ll call penalties such as flicking boogers or unnecessary kindness. B: Punch/stiff arm. On offense, it can pick you up a few extra yards if you use it to break high tackles. On defense, punching is the most reliable way to tackle aliens, but more on races shortly. C: Jump/kick. I’ve heard it called both, so I’ll let you decide what it is. With the ball, hitting C twice lets you do a twisting jump in the air and once can help you dodge low tackles. This can let you jump over a few tackles and is helpful if your carrier is on death’s door or if the impending tackle is from a heavy hitter, but it does leave you up for grabs once you land. If you dive at the top of your jump, you can get a few extra yards or even jump over hazards. If you don’t have the ball, C just leaps you up in the air. Using C and the direction pad towards the runner when running at them dead on results in a very hard hitting take down. Or so I hear, I can’t pull it off all that often, but when I do it is fairly devastating. C also hikes the ball, brings up your receiver windows on passing plays (which then lets you dump off the ball with A, B, or C), and starts and stops the meter for kicks- the fuller the meter, the longer the kicks. C is a pretty important button, it seems. Bonus: For a little extra added oomph to your tackles, push B or C beforehand- B then A will launch you a short distance, but further than just A, and C then A will launch you fairly far, but if you are playing in low gravity or if you have a very athletic player, you may launch over your target and miss them entirely. Well then, game on! The kickoff is simple enough. The home team always starts with the ball. If it’s to you, just run up when you have the ball in your hands. You’re returning the ball. It’s incredibly difficult to return a kickoff for a touchdown (I have maybe a half dozen times ever). It’s generally not worth the effort, so just go right up the middle and do your best. You cannot die to being tackled on a kickoff, so don’t be afraid to take a big hit if it’s coming. If you’re kicking off, push C to start the kick and C again when the bar is full to kick it. Your cursor will default to whoever is closest to the receiver when your defenders start catching up. This will be either a linebacker or a defensive back. If an alien is returning the kickoff, I highly recommend tackling them with a punch. Why? Well, let’s look at the races. Super humans are the most all around average race, though are slightly stronger than they are fast. Average health, average speed, and are generally above average with tackling reliability and power. Once you get to star players (which I’ll cover in their respective teams), super humans either get incredibly fast or incredibly strong, but rarely both. They make excellent receivers and linebackers. Skeletons are the next average race, but in the opposite direction of super humans, they tend to be faster than they are strong and just a bit easier to kill. Their star players tend to retain the skeletal speed, but start hitting very, very hard. They make very good defensive backs, though not as good as aliens, and the best quarterbacks. Robots are only on one team, the Turbo Techies. In low gravity, they are basically fast super humans- hard hitting, reliable, and mostly durable. Take them off of their low gravity home turf, and they are basically weaker skeletons- not too fast, fairly easy to kill, but they still have decent strength. Then again, that could just be lots of luck over the years and they’re fairly iffy no matter where you go, but in my experience, low gravity robots are forces to be reckoned with. Trolls are the heavy hitters of the game. On defense, they’re sluggish (although there are some very horrifying exceptions) but will generally kill or severely injure in one hit. On offense, running backs are hard to bring down, but they lack at any other position. Star trolls keep their strength and become incredibly fast. Watch out for troll blitzers- even the weakest can sack-and-kill just about any quarterback. Aliens are the wildcards. On ice fields, they’re virtually useless as their rolling run will have them slip and slide a few extra yards in the direction they’re running before they can turn. As receivers and defensive backs, they’re incredibly strong. However, aside from on the all alien Psycho Slashers, they tend to be too weak to do well at any other position. They also can’t take a hit- even star player aliens will die in one or two good hits. However, if you can get really good at punching, an alien receiver can routinely get 50+ yard plays. The trick? Hit B just as the tackle would bring you down. If you time it right, you’ll be propelled forward, sometimes as much as 20 yards! It takes practice, but if you can find a team with alien receivers with the smallest opening and you get them the ball, you can rack up points faster than with any other receiver. Why did I warn you earlier? The computer can do this quite well, and aliens can’t boost off of a head on punch. If they’re running ahead of you, try to cut them off. Now, on to the game. Just like normal football, you have four downs to make it ten yards to get four more downs, and your goal is to get to the end zone. On fourth down, the play selection defaults to kicking plays: punt, fake punt, field goal, fake field goal run and fake field goal pass (just push up on the directional pad to go back to the play selection). If you’re in your own territory, you should probably punt. If it’s a close game and you’re at your opponent’s 35 or so, take a field goal. Otherwise, there’s no harm in going for it and experimenting. In fact, kill the returning player on a punt and pick it up with your team and it’ll count as a new set of downs for your offense! There is some merit to doing that on some teams, and I’ll go over that during the team breakdown. In general, I find it best to find a few plays you can do reliably on either side of the ball. If you have a weak or slow quarterback, get used to the shotgun formation to give him time to scramble and time for your receivers to get open. If the defense is weak to one side or the other (such as the Rad Rockers left side or the Killer Konvicts left side), run the ball to that side. If you’re against a running team or a team that prefers shotgun formation, blitz frequently. If your defensive backs aren’t so reliable, play conservatively and pick a play that lets your linebackers give them some support. By and large, though, these are the plays I rely on: Offense: Shotgun formation, DeepGo. This buys your quarterback time to scramble. If you have good receivers or they are against bad defensive backs, they’ll be open fairly quickly, and your running back (receiver C) will generally be open. By and large, the receiver lining up to your left will usually be A and the one on your right will be B, with the running back always at C. If you abuse this play, the defense will start lining up in a formation that allows the blitzers to dive past your blockers and lets the linebacker cover your running back. If they do, it’s time to change plays. (For future reference, this defensive play is called Medium Zone TightMan.) Shotgun formation, ShuttleL or ShuttleR OR RunKill Slash Lf or Slash Rt. These are very basic running plays. Run right if your opponent has a stronger showing left, or left if they are stronger right. The shotgun formation is better for picking up long yardage and getting out of bounds, while RunKill is better for short runs with a sturdy running back. Both let you get to the outside of the defense and get 5-10 or more yards per run once you get some practice, but the Shotgun formation puts you closer to the outside to run out of bounds. Wild, HailScary. Just like the Hail Mary in real football, this is the command to tell your receivers and running back to go as far as they can. In this case, this is limited by your quarterback. If you have someone strong like Snake on the Deathskin Razors, Joe Magician on the Darkstar Dragons, or Darkstar on the Icebay Bashers, feel free to stall and air it out as long as you can. But if you have a noodle arm like Bullit on the Road Warriors or Kraken on the Slaycity Slayers, avoid this play at all costs unless you’re trying to give the other team the ball. Defense: Deep Zone, Wide Zone. Your defensive backs cover their receivers while your safety roams to cover whoever the ball goes to. Your linebackers will cover short and two blitzers will pressure the quarterback. However, what I do is take control of a linebacker and rush towards where the running back starts the play. If it’s a running play, you’ll stop it early. If it’s a passing play, you’re a short turn away from the quarterback. Medium Zone, BumpNStun. This is a blitz with your three blitzers and short coverage between your linebackers and defensive backs. I use this when the best pass rusher is hidden in the reserves. Goal Line, Guts Blitz. This is a brutal play. Very all or nothing- you’ll either get them for a big loss, or their wide open receivers will burn you. Use with caution, but use frequently when you have them pinned within their own 5. Prepare to play against passing. Lots and lots of passing. When the AI is significantly behind, they pass virtually every play, even if they are a running centered team, such as the Midway Monsters or the Slaycity Slayers. In many cases, this can only make things worse for them- riskier plays leave the quarterback wide open to be sacked or killed. Special teams: If you have to punt, punt halfway. The default punting receiver is a linebacker, who tend to be sturdy. If you don’t fill up the meter, it’ll go to a safety instead, who are incredibly frail. Your blockers, running back, and receiver can often kill them and force a fumble. Speaking of, never return a punt. If you have a super speed nasty audible on defense, by all means, return the punt and most likely score. Short of that, always use the punt block formation. Once you get practice, take control of the right side defensive back, line them up between the receiver and blocker, and run forward during the snap, towards the punter. Roughing the kicker doesn’t exist, so if you use the B-then-A diving tackle, you have a good chance of blocking the punt. If not, no harm done. That brings me to the shadiest section of getting you ready to play. Kinda sorta bugs: There are two that I can name, and there may be more, but these are the only two I know of. Safety First: If you get a rival quarterback to fall back far enough, fairly often, they will just do nothing. For those who don’t know, you get a Safety when you bring the opposing ball carrier down in their own end zone. This results in you earning two points and getting the ball. This is most frequently achieved through sacking the quarterback, and sometimes, the AI doesn’t know what to do when you push them back to their own end zone. Most of the time, if they drop back to pass, you’ll see them start twitching in place and do nothing. This means, basically, a free two-to-seven points for you depending on if you sack them or force a fumble. You can’t throw to a dead guy: After you’ve been playing for a while, you’ll get a feel for which formations dictate which plays. For example, in the Shotgun and RunKill formations, the running back defaults to lining up to the quarterback’s left. All passing plays begin like that, as do all runs to the left. So if the running back lines up to the quarterback’s right, they are guaranteed to be running to the right. If they line up to the left and neither receiver is in motion (you have three blockers in front of your quarterback; the other two people lined up with them are your receivers), then it’s a run to the left. However, if the receivers are in motion, it’s a passing play. Are you with me so far? Good. So, on offense, those two receivers are passing slot A and B. A is the guy on the left, B is the one on the right. The vast majority of AI controlled passing plays are to receiver B, so if you line a heavy hitter up against receiver B and hit him when the ball is snapped, one of a few things will happen. First, you won’t get called for unnecessary roughness- that doesn’t exist in this game. Second, you may not kill the receiver. If you don’t, the quarterback will still throw it to him, but if he’s on the ground, the ball will just sail either incomplete or intercepted. But if you kill that receiver, the quarterback will just stand in place and do nothing. The easiest way to understand which receiver I mean is to play as or against the Darkstar Dragons- they have an alien in slot A and a super human in slot B. Get used to watching them line up or lining them up yourself to see what I mean. I don’t advocate using this as it really just cheapens the game- even as the Sixty Whiners, I was able to put up 50+ points a game (with a team that bad, that is quite a feat) doing this method. But, if you’re having trouble, this is a way to cull the competition. 5.The Teams [teamstrat] OOkay, so this is where things start to get a bit cluttered. I’ll be speaking from experience and on my most recent playthroughs with each. I played through each series with the following parameters: Death Index: 5-Annihilation Quarter Length: 3 Speed: Fast Reserves: Off This is simply the most fun for me. Playing without a death index of 1 and with reserves on will give you the most pure version of football you can get, but that’s not why I play. I like to see a bloodbath. Playing with a high death index and reserves on can be fun, but nothing has ever frustrated me as much as having Bones Jackson (debatably the best offensive player in the game) die on the first play from scrimmage against the Icebay Bashers (not exactly a heavy hitting team). I’m going to give a walkthough with them from the worst team and climbing up to the best. Please note that passwords vary team to team and match up by match up, so this walkthrough may put you against different teams than other ones, which is why I focus on my games and a general strategy. Anyway, on with the show! Zero Skull Teams: Here comes the self-inflicted pain. [0skull] Sixty Whiners [dontdoit] Home Field: Winkystink Park. This field is just green grass. If you are playing a single game and are still new to the Mutant League, play here- there are no hazards at all. Practice summary: "Look up boneheaded in the dictionary and you’ll see these all-skull losers. They die more often than they score." This is a fairly accurate assessment. They’re an all skeleton team, but unlike the amazing Deathskin Razors, this all skeleton team is slow, sluggish, and easy to kill. If you are new, do not ever play as them. If you are experienced, they can be very fun. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A,C,A- Confusion. Reverses controls. Against the AI, this does nothing when used against the defense. A,C,B- Invisibility. The ball carrier is now invisible. Against the AI, this does nothing because they will just know where you are. Defense: A,C,A- Blackout. This puts bars over the passing windows. Against the AI, this does nothing. Against a player, it’s usually very effective. A,C,B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. On the Sixty Whiners, the only good choices are Fish the linebacker and Rancid the blitzer, who hit fairly hard when compared to the rest of the defense. Team Strengths: Honestly, there aren’t any. Cupcake is a shockingly decent receiver, but he’ll die in even the most minor scuffle, and that assumes No Lips the quarterback can get it to him. Your best offensive player is Chucky, the running back, who isn’t horribly sluggish, but again will die with even incidental contact. Defensively, your defensive backs are dreadful, but you have one good blitzer in Rancid, one decent blitzer in Strain, and Fish is a good linebacker. You’ll have trouble against most teams until you get practice in, then ones with slow defenses aren’t so bad. Against the Whiners: There is very little I can do to coach you against this team. If you know what your buttons do, you should win. Fish and Rancid will get kills consistently against aliens or weak players, but no matter which offense you control, you should be able to put up 40+ points against them. As the Whiners: Okay. My last playthrough with them is when I decided to write this. I decided to torture myself and play against the Galaxy Aces (the all-star team that consists of the absolute best players in the game) until I won. It took me awhile, trying a few times a day. But finally, around the fifth day, I managed a 10-7 victory. How? Prepare to be bored. To win as the Sixty Whiners, you have to play a game of the tortoise and the hare. You are the tortoise, and in this case, the hare is actively trying to run you over with a steamroller on the way to winning the race. However, by playing smart and slow, you can get within field goal range every drive (and for this pathetic kicker, that’s about the 25 yard line) and manage a few touchdowns. Don’t bother trying to pass the ball to a receiver if you are against even a halfway decent pass rush (so, pretty much every team aside from the Icebay Bashers) unless you can get it in the end zone. Your offensive home is going to be in the shotgun formation. ShuttleL or ShuttleR every single play, whichever side is closer to the sideline, or DeepGo and run your quarterback away from the receivers. Take a few yards and run out. Don’t get greedy and you won’t die. Though, on fields with firepits or open pits, if you’re looking to run some time off of the clock, you can run your ball carrier into one of those to prevent a fumble and keep the clock running since you don’t go out of bounds. Only pass the ball if the defense starts lining up better against the rush, and even then, only use the shotgun formation’s DeepGo, and only pass it to your running back, but be warned that he is going to drop a LOT of passes. But when you’re close enough to the end zone that your receivers are in it, toss it to them- they aren’t as bad at catching as you’d think, plus as long as they catch the ball in the end zone it’s a touchdown regardless of if they die in the hit or not. It doesn’t sound thrilling to play like this, and it truthfully isn’t. But what it is is satisfying. You have to put together 15-20 play drives to score like this, and every time you get a bit more daring and a bit more experimental. When you finally score a touchdown against such dominating teams as the Midway Monsters or the Deathskin Razors, it’s a great feeling. Defensively, stick to the Deep Zone-Wide Zone play I outlined earlier. Your blitzers will make it through sometimes and can actually force fumbles against weaker quarterbacked teams, such as the Vile Vulgars and Road Warriors. Control Fish or Pushover the linebackers) every chance you get and try to stop the plays. Using the B-then-A tackling technique, you can bring down most every player in the game on your first hit (aside from against all-stars like Bones Jackson from the Midway Monsters), and using it with super strength will get you quite a few kills. The majority of points I scored on my playthroughs were from turnovers caused by the linebackers. Throw a few blitzes their way if you managed a lead and to put them in a pinch. Throughout the game on both sides, if their defense is holding you at bay or if they’re starting to break through your paper thin defense, bribe the ref. That’ll buy you some time. As I said earlier, on offense you can find it in the Wild formation and on defense it’s under Special. Passwords and my experience: CD5111111G: This puts you in the second game of the playoffs against the Rad Rockers, having beaten the War Slammers. The Slammers are a tough team to beat. Fish and Pushover can kill the Slammers’ alien receivers in a few good hits, but even their weakest defensive players can kill every member of the Whiners’ offense in one hit. There were a lot of punts from me to them, but the final score was 9-7 and they led for the vast majority of the game. Meanwhile, the Rockers didn’t put up much of a fight- they are essentially a weaker version of the War Slammers, relying on speed instead of power on the defense and consistency instead of speed on the offense. Not enough of either. And the Rockers went down 14-3. CDF111111B: Third game of the playoffs against the Midway Monsters. This is a bad game for the Whiners. Bones Jackson is the Monsters’ star running back and arguably the best offensive player in the game. He is hard enough to tackle that even simple draw plays can result in first downs or touchdowns, and he’s strong enough that if you cause a turnover and he tackles you, you will most likely die and fumble. Their defense has hard hitting linebackers and blitzers, meaning if your receivers run their routes improperly, incidental contact from linebackers could get them killed, and the blitzers will kill your quarterback just by running into him. This game took me two attempts to beat. The first time I lost 14-10, losing to a last second 85 yard gain by Bones Jackson on a draw play. The second time I won 14-10. I scored all 14 in the first quarter and never made it back, but thanks to a few strong stops, I kept them at bay. CDK1111112: The Mutant Bowl! This puts you against the Darkstar Dragons in another very grueling game. The Dragons are a tough team to beat with a decent team, let alone with a terrible one. They have debatably the best offense, with two all-star receivers, the best quarterback in the game, and a really good running back. Defensively, they have one great blitzer, one great defensive back, and one great linebacker. They’re not too hard to run left on, so that’s what I did for the entire game. In one of the dullest games I’ve ever played, I won 10-7 on a last second field goal. The MVP was my linebacker, Fish, who got three sacks and six tackles. Their average margin of victory was 5. Super Hard Password C4K111111L: This puts you in the Mutant Bowl against the Slaycity Slayers. After beating this game as many times as I have, I’ve discovered that this is the single hardest matchup for the Whiners. The Slayers’ running back, Gorth, is incredibly hard to tackle for the Whiners. The silver lining is that their quarterback is easy to bring down, if you can make it past the Slayers’ very strong blockers. The defense, though, will dominate you. The whole strategy with the Whiners is to take a short gain and get out, until you can get a receiver in the end zone. Cupcake (receiver B) is actually a very good player- for touchdowns. If you catch the ball normally, you will die. Put it in the end zone and you’ve got a score. It took me several playthroughs to realize this and now I can put up 40-50 points a game as the whiners unless I’m against something scary. However, this is about the Slayers’ defense. Every single member of their defense can kill every single member of your offense in one hit, and Bash, Whack (the two aliens nearest to your players before the ball is snapped), Rage (the skeleton), Krull (the super human) and K.T. Slayer (the troll) can cross the field incredibly fast. I lost this game twice, both 21-14. Then I remembered my rule with the Whiners: don’t get greedy. If I can get three yards but four may kill me, get out of bounds. Throwing to the end zone after very long drives also helped, and when I finally won, it was 35-27 and amazingly pleasing. Cupcake, the receiver, was MVP- on my first playthrough, I didn’t realize how good he was once in the end zone and he scored four of my five touchdowns. One Skull Teams: Challenging but rewarding [1skull] Killer Konvicts [aortaop] Home Field: The Pen. Thin ice, abyss and mines in space. This means your players will slip, they can blow up and fumble, and out of bounds just means they float off into space (this doesn’t affect them in any way). I wouldn’t recommend this if you’re new- playing on ice is fun but disorienting, unless you have aliens on your team, in which case it’s enraging. Practice Summary: "Their deal is simple: win and get paroled. Savage halfback The Butcher carries the team and still can run. Defense isn’t too smart." Another fairly accurate assessment. The best player on the team by FAR is the troll running back, The Butcher. He is very fast and hard to take down. The defense could be worse, but really isn’t all that bad. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Rumble Fumble. Your quarterback fumbles the ball, which is actually a bomb. This is a shockingly useful audible because if you use it, you lose a down and it counts as a play. Why is that useful? Because it can counter defensive audibles. If you do this, you essentially waste a down, but you waste the defense’s audible too, which can save you the game. You can tell if the defense calls one because "Audible" will appear on the screen before the ball is snapped. A, C, B- Rocket Pack. A sometimes glorious, sometimes horrible audible, the quarterback hands the ball off and your running back shoots up into the air. Sometimes it’s for 10 yards, sometimes it’s for 40, and it can be anything in between. But sometimes, it’s 0. Or backwards. Use at your own risk, but I generally use it from my opponent’s 15- it’s almost always a touchdown from there. Defense: A, C, A- Quarterback Smash. Your defense bum rushes the quarterback and kills him. This is really only useful in reserve games, but once you kill a player, that makes them easier to kill for the remainder of the game, so bring this out early against star quarterbacked teams, such as the Deathskin Razors or Darkstar Dragons. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the player you control a massive speed boost. Save it for returning punts- as long as you don’t lose track of mines, this will get you a touchdown or very close to the goal line most of the time. Aorta is the best pick since he’s already very speedy. Team Strengths: On offense, The Butcher is enough to carry your team. Your quarterback is decidedly okay with not much power but decent accuracy, but your receivers will die in one or two hits. Defensively, the troll blitzer named Aorta is a horrifying force to be reckoned with in some circumstances, and your defensive backs have reliable hands for interceptions, even if they’ll generally die after pulling the ball down. You’ll have trouble with speedy offenses and hard hitting defenses who can take The Butcher out, such as the Psycho Slashers and the War Slammers, but playing either of those teams at home on the ice is almost a guaranteed win. The Slashers will also prove to have a strong passing game against you, unless you can get a solid hit on their receivers. Against the Konvicts: When playing defense, assume every play is going to be a running play. Once you kill The Butcher for the first time, he becomes easier to kill after that- all players seem to work like this, including all-stars. If it’s a passing play and you have a linebacker near the receiver, let them catch it, then kill them for a quick turnover. When playing as offense, be prepared to watch a lot of replays. Aorta, the troll blitzer on the right, seems to have broken AI. He will run at super speed every single play, even to the point where his sprite virtually teleports on the slow motion instant replay. This means he hits incredibly hard, so if you see a warp speed troll coming at you, get out of bounds, get down, and just get away from him. If you have alien receivers or are an all alien team and are playing them at home, be prepared for a long, clumsy game since you won’t have traction for even a moment of it. As the Konvicts: You play the offense like a competent Sixty Whiners- lots of running left and right with a rare short pass. Use Rocket Pack to seal the deal. If The Butcher dies, start running at their weaker side or you’ll turn the ball over a lot. Defensively, don’t ever play as Aorta. Let the AI do their horrible cheating ways. When you’re using the Konvicts, it isn’t as bad, but he still becomes the strongest defensive player, able to take out all-stars in one hit. Smuggler and Nubinator are both good linebackers, so you can’t go wrong with either. Passwords and my experience: HJ51111112: This puts you up against the Darkstar Dragons in the second round, with the Mistfit Demons out. I played at home, so the Demons’ two alien receivers did nothing for the entire game, but their hard hitting defense killed The Butcher quite a bit, though not enough to stop a 28-0 victory. The Darkstar Dragons got to play at their home field, which meant little since the quarterback AI defaults to the Dragons’ human receiver. That, unfortunately, led to a much harder fought game. In the end, Aorta’s silly AI resulted in a few kills of all-star Joe Magician and immediate touchdowns, so I won 28-7. HJF111111L: Third game of the playoffs on the road against the Turbo Techies. This is one of those games that I point to as proof that the Techies are actually pretty tough in low gravity. It was hard to get any momentum because they could consistently kill The Butcher, but my defense was strong enough to keep them grounded aside from two Rocket Pack touchdowns, which I could do too. The final score was 24-14. HJK111111G: You are in the Mutant Bowl against the Deathskin Razors. This game was identical to playing the Techies in almost every way, only the Razors have incredibly strong defensive backs and their running back is easier to kill. But I didn’t pass and they kept running, so the final was 42-3. Butcher, the running back, was my MVP since he scored each touchdown. The average margin of victory for this playthrough was 24.5 Road Warriors [aargh] Home Field: The Wasteland. Pits on a wasteland surface. It’s basically a tan version of Winkystink Park, only there are things for you to fall into. Another good field if you’re new. Practice Summary: "This primitive all-human team is led by All-Star receiver, Slicer, and ace passer, Bullit. Their defense can’t stop most oppositions." THIS SUMMARY IS A FILTHY LIE. Slicer is the best receiver in the game. He’s incredibly fast and reliable and durable enough to take a few hits, but Bullit has the saddest little noodle arm I’ve ever seen in my life, so good luck getting the ball to Slicer. Furthermore, their defense isn’t actually bad at all- even the linebacker by the name of McWimp isn’t actually a wimp. The Road Warriors are one of the more frustrating teams to play because a decent defensive performance will stop your opponent from doing anything, but your offense is left in the hands of an easy to kill, okay-ish speed running back. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Rumble Fumble. Your quarterback fumbles the ball, which is actually a bomb. This is a shockingly useful audible because if you use it, you lose a down and it counts as a play. Why is that useful? Because it can counter defensive audibles. If you do this, you essentially waste a down, but you waste the defense’s audible too, which can save you the game. A, B, A- Super Speed. It gives the ball carrier a large boost of speed. Don’t waste it on a passing play because the odds of you completing a pass with Bullit are slim to none, and don’t get fancy and try the Rad Revrs in the Wild formation because that ends up with the ball in Slicer’s hands- by the time it gets to him, the defense will be all over you. Do a simple Impact or Shotgun run, run along the sideline, and get out when you stop being fast. Defense: A, C, A- Quarterback Smash. Your defense bum rushes the quarterback and kills him. This is really only useful in reserve games, but once you kill a player, that makes them easier to kill for the remainder of the game, so bring this out early against star quarterbacked teams, such as the Deathskin Razors or Darkstar Dragons. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the player you control a massive speed boost. Save it for returning punts- as long as you don’t lose track of mines, this will get you a touchdown or very close to the goal line most of the time. The Hatchet and Bruiser are your best bets here. Team Strengths: Your defense. Your blitzers are pretty quick, both linebackers hit pretty hard, and your defensive backs are shockingly good at coverage. Short passes to Slicer generally go well if you can get out of bounds. You’ll have problems with sturdier teams, such as the Darkstar Dragons and the Midway Monsters, but once you get a couple of kills in, it’ll get better. The War Slammers will grind you to a halt by and large: their offense can take your hits and their defense will run all over you. But with practice, you’ll get them. Against the Warriors: They are a very easy team to beat. Every member of their offense is easy to kill, and the AI won’t even try to get the ball to Slicer. Their defense will sometimes surprise you with their speed and reliable tackles, but as long as you don’t throw lots of aliens or the Whiners at them, you’ll get by just fine. But watch deep passe- their defense backs hit surprisingly hard, and a fumble without any other members of your team around is an almost guaranteed turnover. As the Warriors: Try to find a passing play that will help you get the ball to Slicer. Wild formations Blud Rt when reversed (A, A, A before the snap) makes Slicer run about four yards forward, turn left, and wait. He will almost never be covered and even Bullit can manage to throw it four yards. If you can get good at this, you can put up 50+ points as the Warriors, but at the least this play will get you a first down or more 90% of the time. However, stalling too long will result in you getting sacked, which will probably lead to Bullit dying, since on top of his horribly weak throws, he can’t take a hit. Try to vary up your offense a bit for a less lopsided game. Otherwise, it’s just like the Konvicts and the Whiners: run and get out of bounds, especially because your running back, Crash, is very frail and not all that fast. Your defense is better-rounded than the Konvicts. While you don’t have the lunacy known as Aorta on your side, both blitzers, both linebackers, and all of the defensive backs are reasonably strong and fast. You’ll get a few missed tackles per game, but the ones that don’t miss are very hard hitting. Passwords and my experience: BD5111111H: Round two, past the War Slammers and on to the Midway Monsters. You’ll notice a trend: I always start against a four skull team to get them out of the way. In the Toxic Conference, you’ll almost always face the Monsters between the beginning and the end because as bland as they are, they’re probably the best all-around team. The Slammers were frustrating to play against because their alien defensive backs can lock your receivers down, and Bullit is missing an "sh" from his name when describing his passing ability, so there was a whole lot of running. The Slammers are very hard to run against, so it was a low scoring game on my end, but their alien receivers went down every single time they touched the ball. The final against the Slammers was 10-0. The Monsters were more of the same: running 80% of the time, often picking up a few yards. When they’d pass, I’d usually pick up a sack-and-fumble. But their defense isn’t as unforgiving as the Slammers, so the final against the Monsters was 24-6. BDF111111C: Monsters and Slammers out, on to the Vile Vulgars! I was shocked at how hard this game was. The Vulgars have a punishingly hard hitting defense, and their running back Haagar is basically the Toxic Conference’s version of The Butcher. I thought it was easy to make tackles as the Warriors, then I met Haagar. But, just like the rest, once he died the first time, he died very often. The final was 28-7. BDK1111113: The Mutant Bowl against the Konvicts! If you used these passwords, you just beat a harder version of the same exact team, and since you are in the Toxic Conference, you play at home, which means no ice for you. This was just an all-out beating from start to finish. The final score was 56-0, making the winning average 26.25. To utterly ruin my day, Bullit was the MVP because he threw four short touchdowns to Slicer and two to Crash, the running back. I cringed when I saw him, I won’t lie. Two Skull teams: Great offense or defense, never both [2skull] Screaming Evils [zzzzz] Home Field: Tripout Stadium. Mines on grass, but the stadium itself flashes constantly. Frankly, it hurts my eyes, and on my rare Evils playthroughs, I pick them as the visiting team. Practice Summary: "You don’t see alien QB The Razor Kid, you hear him whoosh as he scrambles by. Pass rusher Reggie Fright burns away enemy QBs." They named the only two decent players on the Evils, though linebacker Evil Dead isn’t bad. There is only one other alien quarterback, and that is on an all-alien team. They aren’t chosen often for a reason- they’re frail and don’t scramble well. The Razor Kid is very fast, but they didn’t up his health. If you scramble with him, you’ll get better gains than the so-so running backs, and their receivers aren’t reliable in the slightest. Reggie Fright will get quite a few sacks a game and is definitely the best blitzer in the game. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Pass Blast. If you scramble with your quarterback, pushing B makes you throw a stick of dynamite at the nearest defensive player. If you complete a pass, the receiver will have it instead. With some practice, this can lead to big gains. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the ball carrier a large boost of speed. This is the one time I’d recommend using your running back, since The Razor Kid has to pass the line of scrimmage (where the ball is snapped) to trigger it. Defense: A, C, A- Electrocute. This is possibly the single best audible in the game. The character you’re controlling becomes electrified and forces the ball carrier to fumble on contact. You can fire it off to force a fumble any time, but it’s also very handy to counter opponent’s audibles, such as super strength or rocket pack. A, C, B-Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. If you use it on Reggie Fright, he’ll kill virtually everyone in one go. It brings the rest of the team up to his level of strength. Team Strengths: This was outlined in the practice summary, really, but The Razor Kid and Reggie Fright. The easiest way to scramble is to use Shotgun’s DeepGo play and let your receivers and running back go left (or right if you reverse it), then have The Razor Kid run the other direction. The occasional Hail Scary deep pass won’t hurt, since he has quite the arm, too. If you pass, favor receiver B, Glue, who isn’t terrible. Anything Reggie Fright touches will either die or die next hit, so go wild with him. You’ll have trouble on ice fields and against fast offenses, such as the Psycho Slashers. Against the Evils: The AI isn’t programmed to know that The Razor Kid is a rusher, so you’ll have a lot of well thrown but dropped passes and an incredibly weak running back to contend with. Don’t expect much from them. Defensively, if you are running, run away from the troll on the frontline- that is Reggie Fright. Don’t pass it near him, don’t run near him, don’t give him the chance to take your ball carrier out. As the Evils: Scramble when you can, but try to get out of bounds or into a pit as soon as you can. The Razor Kid can make big things happen every time he runs, but if he gets hit more than once or twice, he’s dead. Amps isn’t a horrible running back, but he’s fairly slow and can only take one or two hits. Your receivers are both fairly bad. Defensively, control Reggie Fright if you can get to the quarterback or running back because he is a sure, strong tackler- he’ll bring them down every time he touches them. Your best linebacker is Evil Dead, who isn’t very good, but isn’t horrible. Your defensive backs are pretty bad. I’d suggest blitzing every single play if you have a lead. On a personal level, I tend to hate playing as the Evils. The field makes my eyes hurt after a couple of games, I don’t like rushing as a quarterback unless I have to, and the defense is so strong that you’ll be getting a lot of turnovers to then use the aforementioned stagnant offense. Passwords and my experience: G5B111111F: This puts you in round 2 of the playoffs against the Slaycity Slayers, having beaten the Misfit Demons. The Demons are a very strong defensive team, but a fairly weak offensive team. In other words, The Razor Kid has a hard time throwing or running, but they can’t get past Reggie Fright. It was a dull 10-0 victory. The Slayers, however, could’ve gone either way. K.T. Slayer is probably the best player in the game and he lines up every single play. He can kill The Razor Kid in one shot, let alone the rest of the Evils’ weak offense. But conversely, the Slayers have the weakest receivers in the game and a slow quarterback. I ended up running away with it at 63-0, but all but two scores were from the defense. G5G1111115: This puts you in round 3 against the Terminator Trolz. The Trolz are the default team you face if you’re in the Maniac Conference half of the playoffs, and for good reason. Their offensive players are easily killed, and with Reggie Fright on the field, it happened a lot. Another mostly defensive scoring game, 49-0. G5L1111111: The Mutant Bowl against the Rad Rockers! This was an incredibly easy game. While the Rockers are easily the best 2 skull team, they’re still a 2 skull team. They have a couple of hard hitters on the defense and reliable-but-weak offensive players, so while they did get on the board, it was a 49-7 blowout. The MVP was The Razor Kid, who rushed for four and passed for two. The average margin of victory was 41. Icebay Bashers [soweak] Home Field: The Hard Place. Thin ice on space ice. Thin ice is basically just a pit. As far as ice fields go, this isn’t too bad. Practice Summary: "What they lack in talent they make up for in meanness. Hothanded QB Darkstar throws comets past amazed opponents. Defense is only average." This is pretty spot on. Darkstar is an amazing quarterback- he can’t take a hit or scramble, but has amazing distance and accuracy. The receivers and running back will drop many passes, but aren’t horrible. The blitzers hit hard and reliably, but the linebackers and defensive backs are pretty bad. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Rumble Fumble. Your quarterback fumbles the ball, which is actually a bomb. This is a shockingly useful audible because if you use it, you lose a down and it counts as a play. Why is that useful? Because it can counter defensive audibles. If you do this, you essentially waste a down, but you waste the defense’s audible too, which can save you the game. A, C, B- Rocket Pack. A sometimes glorious, sometimes horrible audible, the quarterback hands the ball off and your running back shoots up into the air. Sometimes it’s for 10 yards, sometimes it’s for 40, and it can be anything in between. But sometimes, it’s 0. Or backwards. Use at your own risk, but I generally use it from my opponent’s 15- it’s almost always a touchdown from there. Defense: A, C, A- Blackout. This puts bars over the passing windows. Against the AI, this does nothing. Against a player, it’s usually very effective. A, C, B- Ghosts. This makes your entire defense disappear. It’s useless against the AI. Team Strengths: Darkstar. That is your single strength. If he takes a hit, he’s probably dead, but throw the long ball often enough and you’re going to rack up the points. Your defense is pathetic, with everyone but your troll rushers being weak and unreliable when it comes to tackling. You’ll have trouble with lots of offenses, such as the Darkstar Dragons, the Deathskin Razors, and even the Rad Rockers if you aren’t on your home ice. Defenses with strong defensive backs will give you some trouble too, so look out again for the Darkstar Dragons, Deathskin Razors, and the Misfit Demons. Against the Bashers: If you have aliens and are against them at home, you’ll have a frustrating game. However, any decent pass rush will force a few fumbles a game if you can hit Darkstar, who can’t take too many hits. But be on the lookout for a big plays: long bombs will burn you, and from Darkstar, they are very long. Against their defense, you’ll have to run more than you pass, since their blitzers are really the only threat on the field. As the Bashers: Three words: Big play mentality. Your running back isn’t very good- he can’t take a hit but has okay speed, so your offense will rely on Darkstar’s cannon arm. Make sure he doesn’t get hit, but run HailScary and DeepGo often and let it fly the second your receiver looks open. Use Rocket Pack to seal the deal if you’re just short of the goal line. Defensively, run a three blitzer formation, especially BumpNStun. Your linebackers and defensive backs are fairly useless to begin with, so relying on your strong blitzers is the key. If you aren’t having any luck, fall back to a safe coverage formation and just bend but don’t break. Accept the little gains, but stop the big ones. Passwords and my experience: DGB1111114: Round 2, War Slammers are out and... you’re against the Whiners. This was a shock to me since I set these up to avoid the Whiners, but alas. The Slammers game was easy but low scoring, with their alien defensive backs and receivers sliding all over the ice but my own defense having a hard time stopping the run from getting a few short gains. The final was 17-3. There’s no point in providing highlights from a Whiners game, so I won 77-0. Next. DGG111111D: On to round 3 against the Deathskin Razors! This is another home game, so it’s slippery. I honestly generally find the Razors harder than the Slammers because the Slammers rely on defense whereas the Razors are well rounded. Almost every running play I ran resulted in the running back, Piranha, dying a painful death. Darkstar threw a couple of interceptions to the Razors’ strong defensive backs. The Bashers’ defense was pretty ineffective, since the Razors have a very durable quarterback. Thankfully, their running back isn’t so good, so what should’ve been a close game just ended up being a tale of two offenses having a hard time getting going. The final was 17-7. DGL111111J: The Mutant Bowl against the Trolz. This was a far more difficult game than I thought it would be- though I genuinely think that the difficulty gets ramped up in the Bowl. The Trolz have an incredibly easy to kill offense, so even the Bashers could get kills most every hit, but unfortunately the opposite was also true, with their strong rushers killing Darkstar every time I wasn’t in the Shotgun formation. After three games of my high powered offense carrying my stagnant defense, my 28-7 victory came because of three touchdowns from the defense. My MVP was the blitzer Allcringe, who is the only really good defensive player on the Bashers. The average margin of victory was 30.5. Vile Vulgars [kapow] Home Field: The Hump Dome. Mines and rocks on frozen mud. Mines are mines, rocks are things you trip over. Frozen mud doesn’t actually matter- it’s just normal, non-slippery ground. Practice Summary: "The dirtiest team in the league, they suggest new rules just to break them. Coach Krux believes in running the ball with halfback Haagar." I don’t see how you can have a dirtiest team in a league where murder is encouraged, but okay. Haagar is indeed the star of the offense. Your quarterback isn’t terrible, though he isn’t particularly good. But for my money, the star of this team is the defense: strong, capable defensive backs, pulverizing linebackers, and a very strong bunch of blitzers. Once you’re a skilled player, the Vulgars can be one of the best teams in the league and they’re the one I would recommend to practice becoming good at defense with. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Pass Blast. If you scramble with your quarterback, pushing B makes you throw a stick of dynamite at the nearest defensive player. If you complete a pass, the receiver will have it instead. With some practice, this can lead to big gains. On the Vulgars, short passes Haagar with this is the best way to handle it. A, C, B- Super Strength. On offense, this makes you impossible to tackle for the duration of the audible, which is usually about 15-20 yards. Try to get out of bounds afterwards because the damage does add up. I’d highly suggest always doing a running play with this, as an incomplete pass means you wasted your audible. Defense: A, C, A- Quarterback Smash. Your defense bum rushes the quarterback and kills him. This is really only useful in reserve games, but once you kill a player, that makes them easier to kill for the remainder of the game, so bring this out early against star quarterbacked teams, such as the Deathskin Razors or Darkstar Dragons. A, C, B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. On the Vulgars, any non-defensive back you pick is going to be a killing machine. Use it when you have a free shot at the running back or quarterback. Team Strengths: Your team strength is strength. I don’t know how none of these guys made it to the all-star teams, but there’s not a single bad player on the defense. Some aren’t so fast, some aren’t as strong as the others, but you’ll get tons of kills even against strong offenses. Your main threats are fast defenses who can kill Haagar reliably, such as the War Slammers, Slaycity Slayers, and Psycho Slashers. Against the Vulgars: Pass a lot. If you’re a team like the Road Warriors or the Slaycity Slayers with a pretty bad quarterback, you can run but be sure to get out of bounds before you get hit too hard. On defense, use your audibles a lot-go left if you see Haagar left, go right if you see him right. It’s going to him a lot and he can tear you up. As the Vulgars: When you start playing, I’d suggest you use the Midway Monsters or Darkstar Dragons. Once you can get yourself away from high end teams, I’d suggest the Vile Vulgars as the first team to push yourself to learning how to play. Haagar is a strong runner but isn’t particularly fast. Rapier is a good quarterback but doesn’t have a ton of distance, and your receivers are fast enough to break away, but not for huge plays. Mix up your plays to give Haagar a break, but he’ll still be shouldering most of the offensive burden. Defensively, again, mix it up. Blitz when you have the upper hand and cover when you don’t. The Vulgars are a good way to teach yourself how to play without leaning on star power. Passwords and my experience: 4151111111: Round 2 against the Rockers, having beaten the War Slammers. The Slammers are a very good counter to the Vulgars, since both linebackers can kill Haagar in one hit and their alien defensive backs can cover the sluggish-in-comparison human receivers all day. On the other side of the ball, most Slammer receptions will result in the death of their frail alien receivers, and their running back dies to the hard hitting Vulgars defense. Most of the game was pretty even, but in the fourth quarter, the Vulgars’ defense caused turnover after turnover, resulting in a 42-7 victory. The Rockers, meanwhile, are the War Slammers only easier in every regard, so a 56-0 win didn’t take long. 41F111111J: Round 3 against the Icebay Bashers. Another very easy game, though the Bashers’ quarterback completed two big plays early in the game to make me nervous. Their defense couldn’t do anything, though, so the final was 49-14. 41k111111D: The Mutant Bowl against the Slaycity Slayers. This was a shockingly difficult game. Haagar’s single weakness is a player that his stronger and faster than he is. K.T. Slayer is as fast and strong as they get, so every single troll-on-troll hit resulted in Haagar dying and coughing the ball up. The Slayers’ running back can survive a couple of strong hits, even if their quarterback and receivers are weak. But the amazing defense of the Vulgars paid off in a 28-14 win, three touchdowns coming off of fumble returns or touchdowns. My MVP was the linebacker Vex, who I think is all-star worthy. The average margin of victory was 35 points. Rad Rockers [eyeball] Home Field: The Void Club. Pits, rock, and abyss on space rock. So, there are things to fall into and trip over. It’s a pretty average field. Practice Summary: "Air Guitarist Phil Slim is a power chord passer with feet of lead. The speed on this team plays defense, where L.T. Impaler lives up to his name." This is entirely spot on. Their quarterback has amazing range and accuracy but is very slow. Your running back is slow, your receivers are relatively slow, and since they’re aliens they’re frail. This is also one of the few teams where your best player is in the reserves, as your receiver Bravo is third string but is good enough to be a starter on the all-star team- it’s unfortunately like they took all the speed, power, and durability on the offense and put it in one player, who is locked behind reserves. Not only that, their best running back is second string. Meanwhile, their defense is fast and generally weak, aside from their blitzers and the star linebacker, L.T. Impaler. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Against the AI, this does nothing when used against the defense. A, C, B- Rocket Pack. A sometimes glorious, sometimes horrible audible, the quarterback hands the ball off and your running back shoots up into the air. Sometimes it’s for 10 yards, sometimes it’s for 40, and it can be anything in between. But sometimes, it’s 0. Or backwards. Use at your own risk, but I generally use it from my opponent’s 15- it’s almost always a touchdown from there. Defense: A, C, A- Blackout. This puts bars over the passing windows. Against the AI, this does nothing. Against a player, it’s usually very effective. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the player you control a massive speed boost. Save it for returning punts- as long as you don’t lose track of mines, this will get you a touchdown or very close to the goal line most of the time. However, be sure to use it on L.T. Impaler- the other linebacker, Twits, has one of the lowest health pools in the game and I have literally seen punters kill him in one hit. Even worse, they have the exact same model since they’re both super humans, so be sure to pay attention to who you’re using. Team Strengths: Long bombs and defense. Get the ball to your reliable receivers and get out of bounds quick unless you’re good at bouncing with aliens. L.T. Impaler’s speed and strength is always a sight to behold. Blitz when you can. The biggest problem teams are ones that can stifle your offense, such as the Deathskin Razors, Psycho Slashers, and Slaycity Slayers, but the Rockers are good enough overall that you won’t face many challenges. Against the Rockers: Don’t run right because that’s where L.T. Impaler lines up. If they do a formation where there’s only one super human, that’s him. Their blitzers are okay, and they have alien defensive backs so if you go deep, you’ll probably get a lot of incompletions and the rare interception. When against their offense, blitz often. Phil Slim can’t outrun really anything and will die in a couple of hits. If you have to punt, punt it hard: their default returner is the linebacker Twits, who will die in one hit most of the time. As the Rockers: If you’re playing with reserves on, you’re going to have a very easy time, since Bravo is an amazing receiver and putting Clash in at running back gives you another great target. If you’re not, you have a very slow but reliable offense and a fairly okay defense that relies on the stopping power of its blitzers and L.T. Impaler. Go for short yardage plays and try to get out of bounds if there are any skeletons, super humans, or trolls around your receivers. Shredder, the default running back, can take a couple of hits but is mostly best used for short yardage or just picking up the first down and running out of bounds. Whereas I would recommend the Vulgars for a team to learn how to really play defense, I’d recommend the Rockers for offense- sure, it’s not very strong, but it’s reliable enough that if you have to pass that ball and get out of bounds, you’ll do it most of the time. Passwords and my experience: 1KB111111G: Round 2 against the Midway Monsters with the Deathskin Razors out. When I have a team with strong linebackers, I start off against the Razors because the War Slammers rely on aliens, who just die. The Razors put up a pretty strong fight due to their quick blitzers, amazing defensive backs, and strong linebackers. After coughing the ball up for most of the game, I was pleased with a 17-7 win. The Monsters were more of the same for most of the game. Once L.T. Impaler managed to get a kill on Bones Jackson, everyone managed to start killing Bones Jackson, so a once hard-to-stop offense floundered. It was one of the rare times that a defensive player was named most valuable, and it went to the Impaler himself, who scored four touchdowns and got 14 kills in a 42-10 win. 1KG111111B: Round 3 against the War Slammers. What I said would happen happened. The Slammers never even put up a fight in a harsh 77-0 blowout. 1KL1111112: The Mutant Bowl against the Screaming Evils! Thankfully, this wasn’t at Tripout Stadium, so my eyes didn’t hate me. However, when L.T. Impaler is fast enough to reliably sack the Razor Kid, we ended up with another dull runaway, 63-3. He was the MVP once again. The average margin of victory was 44.75. Three Skull Teams: Well-rounded and strong [3skull] Terminator Trolz [nooffense] Home Field: Inferno Field. Mines, firepits, and rocks on craters. There are two kinds of mines in this game- ones on grass go inactive once a play is over and are silver/white/gray and big blue ones that are always on. This is one of the first times you encounter those, but everything else you’ve run into already. Practice Summary: "The gut-wrenching defense, anchored by Mo & Spew Puke- the awesome Pukes of Biohazard- hurls back opponents." The Trolz are an all troll team, so it makes sense that their best players are defense. They have amazing blitzers, amazing linebackers, one good defensive back (the other two are horrid), and a rather dreadful offense... though only mostly. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Skunk. This is unique to the Trolz. It’s similar to run or pass blast in that your ball carrier is armed, but in charming troll fashion, your running back is armed with literally lethal farts that you unleash with the B button. This can be a very strong audible, but if you don’t time your attack correctly, you could get hit and end the play early. A, C, B- On offense, this makes you impossible to tackle for the duration of the audible, which is usually about 15-20 yards. Try to get out of bounds afterwards because the damage does add up, especially against weak players such as the ones on the Trolz’ offense. I’d highly suggest always doing a running play with this, as an incomplete pass means you wasted your audible. Defense: A, C, A- Quarterback Smash. Your defense bum rushes the quarterback and kills him. This is really only useful in reserve games, but once you kill a player, that makes them easier to kill for the remainder of the game, so bring this out early against star quarterbacked teams, such as the Deathskin Razors or Darkstar Dragons. A, C, B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. On the Trolz, any non-defensive back you pick is going to be a killing machine. Use it when you have a free shot at the running back or quarterback, especially as one of the blitzers who can even kill blockers in one shot (a very tough feat) when buffed with super strength. Team Strengths: Your defense is punishing, but just like your offense, they have low health. If you cause a turnover and recover a fumble, get out of bounds quick or the resulting tackles may get you killed. Your offense is incredibly good at burning defenses for long plays, since both receivers and your starting running back are ridiculously fast. If you complete a long bomb and there aren’t any defensive players on your screen, you may very well score. You’ll have trouble against any competent defense, but also fast offenses, such as the Darkstar Dragons. Against the Trolz: If you have any defense at all to speak of, you will have a very easy game since every single member of the Trolz’ offense is weak. Let them complete passes if they’re short, then just kill the receiver and take the ball. Against their defense, try to get out of bounds or air it deep so that the linebackers and blitzers aren’t the first things to hit you, but beware of using aliens because even the weakest trolls can smash aliens in one hit. Don’t go for it on fourth down- just punt it about halfway up the kicking meter. Their defensive back, Heat, will field it, and he will usually die not long after, letting you recover it and convert your fourth down. As the Trolz: This walkthrough was the first time I ever played as the Trolz. Since then, I’ve tried to go back and gain some appreciation for them, but I found one startling thing: I don’t like trolls. I’ve played against them so much that I knew the offense would be frustrating to play as, and it was at times. Just like with the Icebay Bashers, play with a big play in mind: your receivers are incredibly fast, as is your running back, but they’ll all die in one hit against most defenses. Resist the urge to go deep with super strength and just save it for a run. On defense, nothing will be able to run against you, and little will be able to pass against you. The only downside is that your defensive back, Heat, is just as weak as your offense and has very good hands. That means he’ll intercept a ball, and unless you get out of bounds or into a pit, he’s going to get hit and he’s probably going to die. Passwords and my experience: JCB111111K: Round 2 against the Techies with the Misfit Demons out. I went against the Demons first because they have the best defensive back pairing in the game and I figured they would shut down my passing game. I was right. However, their less than stellar offense couldn’t do anything against the Trolz’ defense, which resulted in a 28-0 victory, all from defensive fumble recoveries. The game against the Techies is at their home field, which makes them a whole different animal. They were killing every member of my offense in one or two hits, which meant, once again, the defense had to carry the game. But since that means I had to rely on trolls hitting things, it was another big win at 35-0. JCG1111111: Round 3 against the Slayers. At this point in the playthrough, I was fairly bored. I’m a defensive minded guy and I do like a good defense, but having an offense that can’t do anything against things that hit even reasonably hard is a little dull. So when you put the Trolz against K.T. Slayer, we have yet another defense-scoring game, even from the Slayers. The final was 35-14 and I was hoping to get anything without a strong defense in the Mutant Bowl. JCL1111115: Alas, The Mutant Bowl against the War Slammers. This was just more of the same. One of my guys gets the ball, a War Slammer kills him, turnover. One of their aliens gets the ball, a troll kills him, turnover. 49-0, with an average margin of victory of 33.25 and me questioning if I want to ever play as this team again. Spewpuke was my MVP, registering six sacks, five kills, and two touchdowns. Midway Monsters [sobland] Home Field: Monster Field. Mines on turf. About as bland and unexciting as they are. Practice Summary: "Born to run and dead set on killing, Bones Jackson runs with hurricane force and Grim McSlam throws thunderbolts." Yep. If you aren’t tired of hearing about Bones Jackson yet, you will be by the end of this section because no matter what this summary says, McSlam is actually pretty horrible. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Against the AI, this does nothing when used against the defense. A, C, B- Super Strength. Makes you impossible to tackle. Get to the 25, use it on Bones Jackson, score a touchdown. Defense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Running backs will run in small circles going backwards and quarterbacks will fall back and proceed to do nothing. Use it to counter one of their audibles, such as super speed, super strength, or run blast. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the player you control a massive speed boost. Save it for returning punts- as long as you don’t lose track of mines, this will get you a touchdown or very close to the goal line most of the time. Wolfen and Buttneck are both very strong, so you can’t go wrong returning it with either of them. Team Strengths: Overpowered stars. I can’t say more about Bones Jackson, and yet I inevitably will in this section and in others. Every time he touches the ball, something big can happen. On defense, Bent is a blitzer as good as the Screaming Evils’ Reggie Fright, and their defensive backs are hard hitting and can intercept reliably. The only teams that can give you trouble are ones that can kill Bones Jackson, like the War Slammers, or if you decide that you would rather throw the ball, you will have trouble with anything getting to your quarterback, including the Sixty Whiners. Not much can stand up to your defense. Against the Monsters: Stop Bones Jackson if you’re on defense. McSlam is slow and easy to kill and isn’t all that accurate. The AI knows this and will run 80% of the game. When you’re on offense, they have a pretty strong field of fast-but-strong linebackers, punishing blitzers, and steady handed defensive backs. Go for short yardage most of the time and big plays to seal the deal. As the Monsters: I haven’t been able to control venting my boredom regarding this team so far, and I still won’t. Though they are a three skull team and there are several four skull teams, for my money, this is the best team in the Mutant League. Bones Jackson is probably the best player in the game, though as I am a more defense minded person, I do like K.T. Slayer a bit more. Bones is very hard to kill, very hard to tackle, and will catch anything you throw at him and take off at a very fast run speed. Running is consistent, but the DeepGo play will get him open down the field. If you score less than about 35 points a game, you are either against the War Slammers or are still new. The Monsters have a strong defense as well, with only so-so tackling going on from the defensive backs. Passwords and my experience: 315111111C: Round 2 against the War Slammers with the Deathskin Razors out. I picked the Razors first because their all-star linebacker and amazing rushers can easily kill Bones Jackson in a few hits, while their defensive backs can pick off the weak passing game. Well, or so I thought. Bones Jackson didn’t die once on my way to a 56-0 victory. Thankfully, the War Slammers were different with Bones dying on the second play of the game and coughing the ball up for a defensive touchdown. But just like with the rest of the walkthrough, the War Slammers using aliens to catch the ball leads to many deaths and fumbles, which wound up with me winning 31-0. 31F111111H: Round 3 against the Rad Rockers. So, just like the rest of the walkthrough, I’ll comment that the Rad Rockers are just an easier version of the War Slammers. And they are, though L.T. Impaler managed a few kills on Bones Jackson. Still, a 49-3 victory was pretty easy to come by. 31K111111M: The Mutant Bowl against the Darkstar Dragons. Finally, a good game! A very good game, frankly. Their defense hits hard enough to reliably kill Bones Jackson and their defensive backs can intercept most of McSlam’s horrible throws. Meanwhile, the Monsters’ well rounded defense gets exploited by the Dragons’ all-star passing game, but in the end, if I can beat the Dragons with the Whiners, I can sure beat them with the Monsters. 28-10 was the final, leaving an average margin of victory of 37.75. To the shock of no one, Bones Jackson was the MVP with a pair of touchdowns. Slaycity Slayers [slayeeer] Home Field: The Butcher Dome. Mines, firepits, and rocks on craters. This is a fairly common field. Don’t stand in the bad and you’ll be fine. Practice Summary: "They play like thugs, crush foes like bugs, and drink blood from mugs. Mr. Slayer’s so good they named a city after him- they were afraid not to." Notice how they don’t mention anything but K.T. Slayer? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Against the AI, this does nothing when used against the defense. A, C, B- Rocket Pack. A sometimes glorious, sometimes horrible audible, the quarterback hands the ball off and your running back shoots up into the air. Sometimes it’s for 10 yards, sometimes it’s for 40, and it can be anything in between. But sometimes, it’s 0. Or backwards. Use at your own risk, but I generally use it from my opponent’s 15- it’s almost always a touchdown from there. Defense: A, C, A- Electrocute. This is possibly the single best audible in the game. The character you’re controlling becomes electrified and forces the ball carrier to fumble on contact. You can fire it off to force a fumble any time, but it’s also very handy to counter opponent’s audibles, such as super strength or rocket pack. A, C, B- Ghosts. This makes your entire defense disappear. It’s useless against the AI. Team Strengths: Your defense! K.T. Slayer is strong enough to kill every player in the game in one solid hit. Rage, the skeletal blitzer, is almost as strong but much slower. Expect a handful of interceptions, though your alien defensive backs are weaker than any others in the game and will die in one hit. Gorth is a good running back, but the rest of the offense is bad. I feel like a broken record, but you’ll only really have trouble with hard hitting defenses, such as the Vile Vulgars and War Slammers, but the Psycho Slashers and Rad Rockers can get Gorth down easily too. K.T. Slayer can more than make up for every turnover your offense gives up. Against the Slayers: There is exactly one troll on the defense, and his name is K.T. Slayer. He is one of the two best players in the game, and wherever you are taking your offense, take it far, far away from him. The bad news is that the Slayers’ skeleton blitzer, Rage is also terrifyingly strong, though he’s easy to forget about with K.T. Slayer on the roster. Most plays, you’ll want to get out of bounds the second a skeleton or troll gets on your screen. Deep passes aren’t too hard to do- the Slayers use alien defensive backs but they are weak even for aliens, so even if they pick off your pass, you’ll be able to kill them instantly most of the time. Against their offense, you only have to worry about running plays. Their receivers are so weak that even the Sixty Whiners can rack up kills against them like there’s no tomorrow, assuming their subpar quarterback can get the ball to them anyway. Their running back, another troll, is the only real offensive threat. As the Slayers: The trolls on this team are more important than all of the Terminator Trolz combined. K.T. Slayer is faster than every offensive player and can kill most everyone in one direct hit. Let your blitzers do their jobs, but control him every single defensive play once you get used to playing defense and let him carry you to victory. Speaking of carrying to victory, your running back, Gorth, is the only decent player on your offense. He’s still pretty easy to kill, but compared to your quarterback and receivers, he’s practically a tank. Short passes that you run out of bounds and running until you see a troll or super human are the key to keeping the drive going. Passwords and my experience: LJ5111111C: Round 2 against the Psycho Slashers, with the Misfit Demons down. If you go into a game against the Demons assuming that your offense won’t be doing much, you won’t be disappointed. My receivers died from incidental contact almost constantly, but none of their offense survived hits from K.T. Slayer or Rage. This resulted in a 35-7 defensive blowout. The Slashers are an interesting team. As an all-alien team, their defense had to be beefed up to be competitive, and they certainly were. But once again, Rage and K.T. Slayer killed every ball carrier almost every time and led us to a 42-0 win. LFJ111111H: Round 3 against the Turbo Techies. This is not a home game for the Techies, but the Slayers’ offense is so weak that they still die often, even to the Techies. But once again, the power of the defense forces lots of fumbles and deaths. 56-14, both of their scores came off of rocket packs after forcing turnovers. LJK111111M: The Mutant Bowl against the Midway Monsters. For anyone that watched the animated series, this the most amazing fanboy moment ever, since in the show K.T. Slayer and Bones Jackson were sworn enemies. And this game certainly proved why. Bones Jackson, against this defense, would die in three or four hits, and until then both Rage and K.T. Slayer could tackle him on their first try. Meanwhile, the Monsters’ defense hit hard enough to kill Gorth every other attempt. This was my most hard fought game but ended with a 17-7 win. The average margin of victory was 30.5. K.T. Slayer was the MVP every single game, deservedly so. Psycho Slashers [lockmeup] Home Field: The Asylum. Mines, pits, and rocks on desert. One of the more common themes. Practice Summary: "An all-alien team with receivers that seem to fly through space. Star blitzer Jack Slam is as impassable as a black hole." Well, Jack Slam is actually a linebacker, but the rest of it is accurate: a very fast team with a shockingly unforgiving defense. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Bomb. Your quarterback drops back to pass, but when you toss the ball, it’s actually a bomb. It’s similar to Rumble Fumble only actually looks like a play. Use it to counter one of your opponent’s audibles. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the ball carrier a large boost of speed. On a small, fast team like the Slashers, give it to your running back and let him fly. Defense: A, C, A- Quarterback Smash. Your defense bum rushes the quarterback and kills him. This is really only useful in reserve games, but once you kill a player, that makes them easier to kill for the remainder of the game, so bring this out early against star quarterbacked teams, such as the Deathskin Razors or Darkstar Dragons. A, C, B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. On the Slashers, it turns your linebackers terrifyingly strong. Give it to one of them when you have a clear shot at the quarterback or running back. Team Strengths: Everything but staying alive. Your defense hits ridiculously hard. Your offense is fast and reliable, but just like I’ve said about every alien, they are very easy to kill. Long bombs work out well if you can get out of bounds, and blitzing works very well since alien blitzers are hard to block aside from by other aliens. You won’t have much trouble at all, but teams with speed and power like the Slaycity Slayers sting. Against the Slashers: You’d be shocked how much of a fight they can put up. On defense, you will get many kills on their frail alien receivers and running back, but the quarterback is pretty tricky to get a hold of (though he’ll die when you do). Be on the lookout for long bombs because if an alien gets out ahead of you, they will probably score. On offense, running and deep passes are pretty hard to pull off due to their speed, strength, and steady hands, but anything away from the linebackers will be pretty successful. If your blockers are anything but aliens, running to the outside will be successful. As the Slashers: Full disclosure: this is my favorite team by a wide margin. When I got good with alien receivers, I had the inclination to try the all-alien team and it’s been my favorite one ever since. The running game isn’t so good aside from when you use super speed or throw it to him and the receivers, who while very reliable at catching, are as frail as every other alien receiver and if you don’t get out of bounds, you may die. Then again, if you haven’t gotten good at the stiff-arm/punch technique that makes aliens amazing, the Psycho Slashers aren’t going to be good for you anyway. Your defense is incredibly good- long bombs get deflected by your defensive backs, your blitzers are fast and hit hard, and your linebackers are incredibly strong. Passwords and my experience: GJ51111113: Round 2 against the Trolz with the Misfit Demons out. The first game is the only low scoring game I had as the Slashers. The Demons’ offense can’t take hits to begin with, but they also couldn’t get away from the fast, strong defense. Their defense, however, could either stop or kill every ball carrier, so that led to a 14-3 game. The Trolz, though, were incredibly easy. My running game was utterly shut down, but virtually every pass resulted in a touchdown. I’m not kidding, and neither was the score: 84-0. GJF111111M: Round 3 against the Darkstar Dragons. The Dragons’ strong running game, again centered around a troll, was easy to stop thanks to the Slashers’ defense. The Dragons’ all-star quarterback didn’t die once, but he also only completed two passes. In the meantime, while I got intercepted a couple of times thanks to the Dragons’ all-star defensive backs, it was another huge victory at 63-0. GJK111111H: The Mutant Bowl against the Road Warriors. At first, I assumed this was going to be a ridiculously easy blowout. I’m still convinced the Mutant Bowl has a slightly upgraded difficulty curve. However, the entire first half was just a marathon of turnovers- they dropped back to pass or handed it off, dead super human; I complete a pass, dead alien. I only had a 7 point lead at halftime. But between the third and fourth quarters, everything went back to normal. 73-0 final, for an average victory margin of a whopping 57.75. The quarterback, Badsores, was MVP every game. Turbo Techies [beepboop] Home Field: Asteroid 66. Low gravity and abyss on space rock. This is the most unique field. Abyss is just stuff for you to fall into, but low gravity means jumps go higher, kicks and passes sail further, and some hits don’t seem to hit so hard, but it has always seemed to me that the Techies hit like freight trains here and weakly elsewhere. Practice Summary: "An all-robotic team hard-wired to the air game. They pass like a torrent of smart bombs, but they can’t stand direct hits. Weak Reserves." Shockingly, incredibly accurate. Very strong passing game, though the receivers will die to direct hits. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Rumble Fumble. Your quarterback fumbles the ball, which is actually a bomb. This is a shockingly useful audible because if you use it, you lose a down and it counts as a play. Why is that useful? Because it can counter defensive audibles. If you do this, you essentially waste a down, but you waste the defense’s audible too, which can save you the game. A, C, B- Rocket Pack. A sometimes glorious, sometimes horrible audible, the quarterback hands the ball off and your running back shoots up into the air. Sometimes it’s for 10 yards, sometimes it’s for 40, and it can be anything in between. But sometimes, it’s 0. Or backwards. Use at your own risk, but I generally use it from my opponent’s 15- it’s almost always a touchdown from there. But in this case, if you are play at home, you can sail for 50-60 yards if it goes favorably. Defense: A, C, A- Electrocute. This is possibly the single best audible in the game. The character you’re controlling becomes electrified and forces the ball carrier to fumble on contact. You can fire it off to force a fumble any time, but it’s also very handy to counter opponent’s audibles, such as super strength or rocket pack. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the player you control a massive speed boost. Save it for returning punts- as long as you don’t lose track of mines, this will get you a touchdown or very close to the goal line most of the time. Just make sure it goes to a linebacker, since the Techies’ pathetic TORO-3000 dies to even being brushed up against. Team Strengths: Being unique, which is odd to say since their models are just shiny skeletons. The defense is stronger than you think. The offense is faster than you think. But since there aren’t any robots on any other team, this is the only time you can practice as them. Treat the offense as sturdier aliens can take one or two hits, then start getting out of bounds every play. Treat the defense as faster super humansthey can deliver punishment, but not as well as many. You’ll have trouble when you’re not at home, usually. Strong defenses can stop your offense cold, but the main teams that can stop you are the Terminator Trolz and the Slaycity Slayers, and your defense can destroy their offenses right back. Against the Techies: If they’re at your home turf, they’re pretty sad. So-so fast, so-so strong, can’t take a hit and their defense will miss a lot of tackles. If you’re on the road against them, prepare for something far different. Their offense is fast and their quarterback can air it out a good 50 yards. The running back will die after two or three hits, so expect lots of passing. Their defense is pretty hard hitting at home and they have the ever strong electrocute waiting for you, so short passes and running will get you far. As the Techies: At home, air it out and get out of bounds every play you can unless they have alien defensive backs. Running to the outside works well, but cutting towards their defense will generally get you killed. On defense, don’t blitz ever. You hit hard and you’re plenty fast, but your defensive backs won’t knock many passes down so play it safe. On the road, do all of that only much more conservatively because your passes won’t sail as far and you’ll be able to take significantly fewer hits. Passwords and my experience: NJ5111111Y: Round 2 on the road against the Slaycity Slayers with the Darkstar Dragons out. The Dragons at home were a very bad choice- as far as the Techies’ quarterback, I.C. Circuits, can air the ball out, the best quarterback in the game throwing to two of the best receivers in the game can be even better. But they didn’t pass every play and I won 35-21 (the most points anyone has ever put up against me when not playing as the Whiners). The Slayers on the road weren’t too tough. Thanks to a weak offense, the Techies’ managed plenty of turnovers, but running against K.T. Slayer never ends well, so it was long bombs or nothing. I won 28-7. NJF111111T: Round 3 at home against the Killer Konvicts. Aside from the fact that the Konvicts get access to Rocket Pack in this low gravity environment, this was an easy game for the Techies’ defense. Playing against the ridiculousness known as Aorta wasn’t pleasant, since he is fast enough to even catch up to long passes in about a second, but runs away from him and the defense led me to a 70-14 victory, with their 14 coming from rocket packs. NJK111111P: The Mutant Bowl on the road against the Midway Monsters. This game was frankly a pain. Away from low gravity, Bones Jackson would pick up 5-10 yard per carry, but their passing plays almost all resulted in sacks or deaths. Their defense hit hard enough to cause deaths on almost every possession that I didn’t run out of bounds on. A low scoring but fairly intense game overall, I managed to win 21-7, making the average margin of victory 26.25. The linebacker MM13X was my MVP. Four Skull Teams: Here There Literally Be Dragons [4skull] Darkstar Dragons [allgood] Home Field: Deepscar Six. Mines and rocks on grass. Another pretty bland field. Practice Summary: "Magician and Scary Ice hook up for TD’s easily. Depth at every position tips the scales in the Dragons’ favor. They dare you to beat them." The Dragons are probably the best all-around team, with an offense so good that it literally makes up the majority of the Maniac Conference’s all-star team. Their defense is equally punishing, with their defensive backs being as good at catching as receivers and Half Nelson blitzing almost as well as Reggie Fright. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Bomb. Your quarterback drops back to pass, but when you toss the ball, it’s actually a bomb. It’s similar to Rumble Fumble only actually looks like a play. Use it to counter one of your opponent’s audibles. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the ball carrier a large boost of speed. You should pass for the majority of the game, but when you have super speed available, run the ball instead for a good 30-40 yard gain. Defense: A, C, A- Blackout. This puts bars over the passing windows. Against the AI, this does nothing. Against a player, it’s usually very effective. A, C, B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. Every non-defensive back on the Darkstar Dragons with super strength will hit like a freight train. Team Strengths: Everything. Their linebackers are the only so-so part of the team, and they’re only so-so in comparison to the rest of the defense. The best running back, all-star Ratbone, is hidden in the reserves. Crunch isn’t so good in comparison to the rest of your offense, but he’s still really good. I suppose it’s funny that Scary Ice is technically your best receiver, but Kaylor is the one on the all-star teams, and the Dragons’ Joe Magician has a slightly better range than the Deathskin Razors’ Snake, but as Snake can scramble, he’s slightly better than Joe Magician. Not only that, Ratbone is never anything but a third string reserve, even on the all-star teams. However, that should give you a feel for how incredibly strong this team is. You shouldn’t have problems at all, but fast blitzers like the ones on the Psycho Slashers and Screaming Evils can be moderately problematic. Even their kickers are all-stars, with insane field goal range, great kickoffs and 60 yard punts. Against the Dragons: Most passes will be deep and they will all be to Kaylor, who is easy to kill even if he’s incredibly fast. Make up for the effectiveness of their passing game when they choose to run, since Crunch cracks fairly easily. When against their defense, don’t run left- Half Nelson lines up there and will take you out. Long passes are also very risky against their defensive backs, led by all-star Blood Clot. Keep it short and consistent. As the Dragons: Score points. It’s hard not to. Pass deep unless you’re against the Misfit Demons or Deathskin Razors. Run only for small yardage plays, such as picking up a first down or a short touchdown. Never blitz on defense- keep your defensive backs on their receivers and watch their passing game die a slow, painful death. It’s not uncommon to see rival quarterbacks complete zero passes in a game. Passwords and my experience: FJ51111111: Round 2 against the Psycho Slashers, Misfit Demons are out. The Demons are the only team good enough to utterly shut down the Dragons’ long passing game. Playing short and conservative made it considerably easier than I thought it would be to just carve up the field. The final was 49-0. The Slashers were good at stopping the Dragons’ already not good run game, so I just didn’t run. 63-0. FJF111111J: Round 3 against the Screaming Evils. If the AI was programmed to scramble, this could’ve been a good game. Instead, Blood Clot got four interceptions. I started running the time out in the third quarter when it was 84-0, but it could have been far higher. FJK111111D: The Mutant Bowl against the Deathskin Razors. This is the game I wanted in the Mutant Bowl, and I was not disappointed. The Razors have the best defensive back in the game in Lou Cifer, one of the best linebackers, and a great couple of blitzers on the front line. Not only that, Snake is the only quarterback in the game better than Joe Magician. The first three quarters were a fun stalemate at 7-7, but things really fell apart for the Razors in the fourth quarter, leading to a 49-7 victory and a not-too-shocking Joe Magician MVP. The average margin of victory was 59.5, but it honestly could’ve been way higher. War Slammers [muchpain] Home Field: War Stadium. Mines, firepits, and rocks on space rock. There are things to blow you up, incinerate you, and trip over, and the sidelines make you fall into outer space. It’s a common theme, but when you see it all written out there, it’s a bit overwhelming. Still, it’s a good stadium. Practice Summary: "The offense is awesome when it remembers to score rather than just maim. All-Star defenders Docken and Shocken specialize in destruction." I can’t say much to counter this. The offense is only potentially awesome if you’re good with aliens. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Run Blast. Your quarterback hands the ball off to your running back, who is then armed with five sticks of dynamite. It’s pass blast only it doesn’t require a completed pass. A, C, B- Super Strength. On offense, this makes you impossible to tackle for the duration of the audible, which is usually about 15-20 yards. Try to get out of bounds afterwards because the damage does add up. I’d highly suggest always doing a running play with this, as an incomplete pass means you wasted your audible. Defense: A, C, A- Electrocute. This is possibly the single best audible in the game. The character you’re controlling becomes electrified and forces the ball carrier to fumble on contact. You can fire it off to force a fumble any time, but it’s also very handy to counter opponent’s audibles, such as super strength or rocket pack. A, C, B- Ghosts. This makes your entire defense disappear. It’s useless against the AI. Team Strengths: As with most four skull teams, virtually everything. All-star linebackers, an all-star rusher, an all-star quarterback, strong defensive backs, and raw power will clear the way to win games. Your alien receivers are as frail as ever, and the default running back, Rocker, is the worst running back. Not only that, both back up running backs-Panzer and SloMo-are all-stars, with Panzer making it all the way to being Bones Jackson’s backup on the Galaxy Aces. If you play with reserves on, in other words, the War Slammers are easily the best team in the game. With them off, a strong defense with fast pass rushing like the Slaycity Slayers or with hard hitting defensive backs like the Misfit Demons can grind your offense to a halt. Against the Slammers: If you are good at defense and can blitz often or if you have strong linebackers that can take the alien receivers out, the War Slammers’ offense will do nothing to you at all. Warhog is accurate but slow and easy to sack, so sack him. There is no good option against the defense. Both linebackers are fast and incredibly strong. Both of the starting two blitzers are killers. The defensive backs are fast aliens with good hands. The only advice I can give you is to find something that works and stick to it. Running to the outside and using your receivers to help pick up another block or two works okay most of the time. As the Slammers: With reserves off, throw long and medium range passes and get out of bounds. Even the Sixty Whiners can kill your starting receivers, Assault and Stuka, from time to time. Better teams can do it frequently. Run only if you have to. Your defense is going to win virtually every game- in previous playthroughs, most of my wins were by 80-100 points, with 60-70 coming from the defense alone. Passwords and my experience: D15111111J: Round 2 against the Vile Vulgars after beating the Deathskin Razors. The Razors stopped the Slammers’ offense, but Docken and Shocken killed with virtually every tackle. 84-0 against the Razors. The Vulgars were more of the same only Haagar sometimes took a few hits before dying. 70-0. D1F111111: Round 3 against the Midway Monsters. This game, my offense actually got to score a few touchdowns. Bones Jackson is as sturdy and overpowered as ever, but once he started dying, he never stopped. They didn’t complete a pass on me, but thanks to 3 quarters of Bones Jackson staying alive, this was a much more reasonable 56-0 victory. Well, as reasonably as winning by 8 touchdowns can be. D1K1111114: The Mutant Bowl against the Misfit Demons. Finally, a game that was almost kind of close! Passing against the Demons’ amazing defensive backs was pointless, since completed passes resulted in deaths, and anything less accurate was intercepted or batted down. The Demons do have a fairly bad offense, though, and Docken, Shocken, and my two troll blitzers ate it up. 42-0 final, with Docken as the MVP with 14 tackles, 9 kills, and two touchdowns, leaving a season average margin of victory of 63. Misfit Demons [dontpass] Home Field: Saturn Stadium. Mines, pits, and rocks on Titan. A fairly average stadium but on a pretty blue ground. Practice Summary: "Their defense is led by All-Stars LePuke and Belcher who love football more than their mommas. But their offensive bench is shallow." I can’t add much to that. The defensive backs, LePuke and Belcher, are amazing. Decent rushers, decent linebackers, not a very good offense. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Run Blast. Your quarterback hands the ball off to your running back, who is then armed with five sticks of dynamite. It’s pass blast only it doesn’t require a completed pass. A, C, B- Super Strength. On offense, this makes you impossible to tackle for the duration of the audible, which is usually about 15-20 yards. Try to get out of bounds afterwards because the damage does add up. I’d highly suggest always doing a running play with this, as an incomplete pass means you wasted your audible. Defense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Running backs will run in small circles going backwards and quarterbacks will fall back and proceed to do nothing. Use it to counter one of their audibles, such as super speed, super strength, or run blast. A, C, B- Ghosts. This makes your entire defense disappear. It’s useless against the AI. Team Strengths: Most four star teams have no weakness to speak of- maybe a bad running back to balance an amazing quarterback, or not-so-good defensive backs. The Demons are the only exception. They have easily the best pair of defensive backs in the game to hold off passes while your good blitzers and great linebackers put pressure on the quarterback to balance a really bad offense. Mind you, at this level of teams, "really bad" is a relative term. The Demons’ offense is still good, it’s just not as good as many three skull teams and not as good as the Bashers or Rockers. Few teams will give you trouble, but the War Slammers being able to kill any offense you’re able to muster. I’d include the Slaycity Slayers, but their offense is so bad that the Demons’ defense will score 40+ all on their own. Against the Demons: Don’t pass. Ever. If you must, pass right or pass short, since LePuke is on the left and is a bit better than the alien Belcher. Run right when you run, since once again, LePuke will be waiting and he is exempt from the "defensive backs don’t hit hard" rule. Their offense is easy to dominate as any team at all outside of their two nasty audibles per half. As the Demons: Pushing C just before the ball arrives when you’re on defense ups the chance of you interception the ball. Be prepared for LePuke and Belcher to catch as many passes as your alien receivers, Pesky and Warbleed. The difference is that your receivers will probably die a short time after. Merx is a pretty slow running back. Greasy can’t scramble to save his life. Phlegm, the best receiver, is stuck in reserves, and it’s a shame because he alone could save the offense- he and the Rad Rockers’ reserve Bravo are the only aliens who are actually very durable. Basically, you can do one of two things as the Demons: find blitzes that include your defensive backs, such as Short Zn’s Blud Blitz, control LePuke and put him on the line by the blitzers, and eat the running back and quarterback every single play, or use more traditional coverage and don’t let them complete a pass unless it’s to you. Passwords and my experience: JF51111111: Round 2 against the Psycho Slashers, after beating the Darkstar Dragons. Blitzing the Dragons made the game more fun- if I would’ve gone more conservatively, Joe Magician wouldn’t have completed one pass, I’m sure. But blitzing kept it interesting and I got burned once. Not as much as they did though, as I won 63-7. This is the first time the Slashers managed to do exactly nothing to me. They were never in the game, and every completion resulted in their receivers dying. 77-0. JFF111111J: Round 3 against the Terminator Trolz. I started running out the clock when it was 84-0. That was in the second quarter. The blitzers could get to the quarterback every play, and if he threw it, it got intercepted or the receiver died. The final, entirely on accident, was 98-0. JFK111111D: The Mutant Bowl against the War Slammers. This was a very fun game, actually. Blitzing let them complete deep passes and playing conservatively stopped their progress. Every offensive possession I had that I didn’t get out of bounds resulted in being killed in one hit no matter who had the ball. Compared to the other games it was close, but at 56-10, it was as dull as most four skull team playthroughs. My MVP in the mutant bowl was actually Bonecrush, the linebacker, and the average margin of victory was 69.25. Deathskin Razors [closeshave] Home Field: Hellfield. Mines, fire, and abyss on space rock. You’re used to this by now if you’ve played any other games, but don’t stand in the bad and you’ll be fine. Practice Summary: "Python-armed QB Snake is rattler quick. The defense is cold, efficient, and undead. A game with the Razors is always a close shave." The snake puns are hiss-terical. This is accurate and not. Snake is debatably the best quarterback in the game, but neither receiver nor his running back are sturdy enough to do more than field a long bomb and get down quick. The defense is astonishing, mostly. Nasty Audibles: Offense: A, C, A- Bomb. Your quarterback drops back to pass, but when you toss the ball, it’s actually a bomb. It’s similar to Rumble Fumble only actually looks like a play. Use it to counter one of your opponent’s audibles. A, C, B- Super Speed. It gives the ball carrier a large boost of speed. You should pass for the majority of the game, but when you have super speed available, run the ball instead for a good 30-40 yard gain. Defense: A, C, A- Confusion. Reverses the controls of your opponent. Running backs will run in small circles going backwards and quarterbacks will fall back and proceed to do nothing. Use it to counter one of their audibles, such as super speed, super strength, or run blast. A, C, B- Super Strength. Gives the player you’re controlling extra strength. On the Razors, any player other than the defensive back Viper can score easy one hit kills on most players. Save it for when you can get a clear shot at the running back or quarterback. Team Strengths: Some people feel the Razors are the best four skull team. Some feel they’re the worst. I’m in the middle, but what I do know is that they’re my favorite. You have two amazing defensive backs, including Lou Cifer who is actually the best in the game. Madman the linebacker is amazingly strong, only behind K.T. Slayer and Docken. Both blitzers are very strong, though your best one, Cabaal, is stuck in the reserves unless you use a three blitzer formation. Snake is the best quarterback in the game (arguably), but his receivers aren’t very good and neither is his running back. The Vile Vulgars and War Slammers will destroy your offense, but few offenses can muster anything against the Razors. Against the Razors: Don’t run right and don’t pass deep. Madman tends to line up on the right, and until you get familiar with the formations in which he doesn’t, you’re facing 7 identical skeletons, 4 of which can kill most players in one hit. You can pass to the right, but two of the three defensive backs, Lou Cifer and Executor, are incredible, so don’t go deep and try to get out of bounds or down fast. Executor lines up on the right and isn’t quite as good as Lou Cifer, so you’ll have better luck against him. Running is almost a guaranteed fumble. Against their offense, put pressure on Snake. He may burn you once in a while since he’s so accurate, but he can’t scramble too well and if you have decent defensive backs, you can stop his weak receivers. If you punt, punt about halfway up the meter. Defensive back Viper is likely to field it and he can’t take a hit. As the Razors: Just like with the Icebay Bashers, air it out deep and hope for the best when you’re on offense. Use your running back Rippen to get short gains or when you have an audible up for him. Not many teams can stand up to the Razors’ defense. Just like with the War Slammers, if you have a controller in your hands when you’re on defense, you should be able to stop them. Passwords and my experience: 1D4111111J: Round 2 against the Midway Monsters after beating the War Slammers. The Slammers weren’t too tough, but the game was a bit dull since neither offense could do anything against the other defense. It ended up a modest 28-0. The Monsters, who I can’t stand, provided a bit of therapy for me since Bones Jackson died on the first run, thanks to a super strength aided hit by Madman. That stopped any momentum they could’ve had and I ran away with it, 77-0. 1DF111111: Round 3 against the Icebay Bashers. The Bashers had one thing going for them: we were playing on ice. Still, their pathetic defense couldn’t do anything against the receivers or running backs, and every time their quarterback dropped back to pass, he just dropped. Another 77-0. 1DK1111114: The Mutant Bowl against the Misfit Demons. Finally, a Mutant Bowl I could get excited about. The Razors pass well; the Demons are hard to pass against. But the Demons do have a fairly bad offense and the Razors do everything well on defense. Still, to my shock and glee, it was only a 35-0 win. Madman was not the MVP. Shockingly, the other linebacker, Hoagie, got it, with four sacks, six kills, and seven tackles. The average margin of victory was 54.25 Bonus Coverage [extratime] That officially concludes the walkthrough portion of the guide. Hopefully, if you’ve had trouble with this game, you don’t anymore and can find it as enjoyable as I have for all these years. If you’re a fan or just happen to be curious or enjoy my writing the next few sections are sort of a fan indulgence. Best All-Star Team [starseverywhere] I haven’t provided a guide to being successful with the Toxic All-Pros, Maniac All-Stars, or Galaxy Aces. You can only play as them in Single Game or Practice modes, and frankly they’re so strong that only other all-star teams can put up a fight against them in many circumstances, though once you’re practiced and skilled at the game, they can provide a decent challenge if you’re finding the rest of the game easy. Certainly, trying to take any of them out with the Whiners or any team two skulls or under can be trying. But I had always wondered which team was truly the best, so I set up a simple series of games: One game as the Maniac All-Stars, one game as the Toxic All-Pros, and then a simulated game. Now, Mutant League Football doesn’t have a game simulator so to speak, but if you simply pick a play and don’t push any other buttons (aside from hiking the ball on offense), the computer will take charge. It’s not the best simulation, but it’s there. Game one: I started off as the Maniac All-Stars because I figured it’d be the easier game- the offense is essentially the Darkstar Dragons with Gorth from the Slaycity Slayers and the defense features LePuke, Reggie Fright, and K.T. Slayer. Not only that, the Maniac All-Stars have a pretty standard home field: mines, fire, and abyss on toxic waste. That sounds scary, but the waste is just green craters. This game was an absolute struggle and everything that an all-star game should be. Some plays were like normal football and some were bloodbaths. There were lots of interceptions, lots of fumbles, and some truly masterful drives with last second first downs. After one of the best games I’d ever participated in, I won 14-7. Game two: The real reason I waited to be the Toxic All-Pros second is because their home field is an ice field. I also figured they’d be tougher to get a win as, since the Maniac All-Stars have the much tougher defense. The Toxic defense is pretty much the War Slammers and Deathskin Razors mixed up, while their offense is Snake from the Razors, Bones Jackson, and the amazing Slicer. Needless to say, I figured they couldn’t stand up to K.T. Slayer, Reggie Fright and the amazing Maniac All-Star defensive backs. Then I won 77-0. Almost every pass was a touchdown and I got two interceptions. Game three: The 77 point blowout had to be a fluke. To make sure, I put us back on a non-ice field and controlled the Toxic All-Pros. To really simulate a game, all you do is pick a play, stick with it (the computer doesn’t call non-nasty audibles), and don’t touch any buttons unless you have to snap the ball. I usually just picked something logical- do they have short yardage to go? Prepare for a run. Is it third and ten on my own 20? Time to pass. Ultimately, simulating like this made me happy I have a Netflix account because goodness, this was not fun to watch. Most throws were deflected, most runs were for a loss. It was 0-0 until the last two minutes of the game when suddenly, a Bones Jackson run to the right went from being a 3 yard run for a first down to a 65 yard run for a touchdown. That went on to be the only score of the game. Toxic All-Pros sweep the series thanks to this 7-0 win. Best Team Bracket [suddendeath] Something else I’d always wondered was who the actual best team is. When you’re good at the game, the best team is the team you’re playing as. With enough practice, you can take a stagnant, dreadful offense like the Road Warriors and put 70-100 points on the best defenses in the league. You can take a defense of weaklings like the Icebay Bashers and hold the amazing Darkstar Dragons to 0 yards or even negative yardage. But when you take the player out of the game, which team is truly the best? For that, I made a bracket using the victory margins and simulated games. I paired up the top team against the bottom team, then second best against second worst, etc, until I had my bracket ready. I have limited computer skills and drew it all out by hand, so I’ll just write it out. In the event of ties, the lower ranked teams got bumped up. My early favorite to win is the Psycho Slashers, though I think the Darkstar Dragons will do well. Round 1: (16) Sixty Whiners at (1) Misfit Demons. Demons win, 45-7. (15) Killer Konvicts at (2) War Slammers. Slammers win, 55-21. (14) Turbo Techies at (3) Darkstar Dragons. Techies win, 33-28. (13) Road Warriors at (4) Psycho Slashers. Slashers win, 28-7. (12) Slaycity Slayers at (5) Deathskin Razors. Razors win, 44-3. (11) Icebay Bashers at (6) Rad Rockers. Rockers win, 17-14. (10) Terminator Trolz at (7) Screaming Evils. Evils win, 35-14. (9) Vile Vulgars at (8) Midway Monsters. Monsters win, 28-10. Round 2: (14) Turbo Techies at (1) Misfit Demons. Demons win, 31-14. (8) Midway Monsters at (2) War Slammers. Slammers win, 49-24. (7) Screaming Evils at (4) Psycho Slashers. Evils win, 17-10. (6) Rad Rockers at (5) Deathskin Razors. Razors win, 35-31. Round 3: (7) Screaming Evils at (1) Misfit Demons. Demons win, 7-3. (5) Deathskin Razors at (2) War Slammers. Razors win, 21-13. Final: (5) Deathskin Razors at (1) Misfit Demons. Demons win, 10-3. Synopsis: In round 1, I was shocked that the Dragons went out right away, let alone to the Turbo Techies on the road, but both electrocute audibles led to touchdowns, as did both rocket packs. They even got a safety on Joe Magician. The other games weren’t too shocking, though I thought the Vulgars would put up more of a fight against the Monsters. The Slayers didn’t manage to do anything to the Razors, which was shocking as well, but their pathetic offense did them in. In round 2, the only two shocks were how close the Rockers got to beating the Razors (the Razors won in the last thirty seconds) and that the Evils upset the Slashers. It came down to simple AI simplicity. If the Slashers had passed every play, they would’ve won since alien quarterbacks are hard to sack. But when they ran, Reggie Fright would kill the Slashers’ running back. Even at a close score of 17-10, it was really never a close game. In round 3, both results shocked me. The Demons managed to keep the Razor Kid from completing a single pass, and Reggie Fright killed someone virtually every play. The single touchdown came from a super strength audible for a 40 yard touchdown run. I didn’t expect the Razors to beat the Slammers, but with two interceptions late in the game, the Slammers couldn’t mount a comeback. The final wasn’t shocking. The Demons were in control of every game. Even when it was closer than it should have been, that defense of theirs wouldn’t let anything happen. The single touchdown of the game was an interception returned to the five, then a short pass touchdown. I suppose on paper it was shocking enough since the Demons are probably the worst four-skull team because of their offense, but in simulated practice, it was clear they would win most games. The Future [futurehope] This final section is where I am going to talk about things I’d like to see in the reboot. We already know there are new races and more teams, so I won’t go too far into that- though to say the least, I’m pretty excited. One star quality player per team, at least. The Turbo Techies aren’t a bad team, but they have no star players. The Road Warriors have Slicer. The Konvicts have the Butcher. For that matter, the Vulgars have Haagar and the best players on the Rockers are on reserve, aside from L.T. Impaler who is amazing, but not good enough to make it to the all-star teams. I can see the argument for keeping one off of the Whiners, but it would almost be funny to have a receiver as mostly-decent as Cupcake make it to the all-star team with just a slight health boost. An all-star team should, by all means, be made entirely of stars, but when I can sum up the teams as "The offense of the Darkstar Dragons vs the combined defense of the Razors and Slammers", there’s a bit of a disparity. For that matter, let’s have a season mode and dynamic all-star teams. 16 teams is good for a sudden death playoff mode, but if we extend it to say 24 or 30 teams, you’d really need a season. Not 16 games over 17 weeks like the NFL, but something simple- maybe 10 games against random opponents from your conference or one game against each. Then, using statistics from the games, draw up a new set of all-star teams and have a star studded game just before the Mutant Bowl. Make there an option to include the player’s team of choice or not- I know back in my Madden days, most of my Pro Bowls were essentially "The Oakland Raiders against the National Football Conference." Maybe put a limit of two players per team on the all-star roster- one offense, one defense if needed. Unique models for the star players. Two super humans line up against you as you’re playing the Rad Rockers. They both have an odd peach colored skin and red and blue uniforms. One is named Twits and he is so weak he sometimes has trouble killing Sixty Whiners. The other is L.T. Impaler, who is fast, deadly, and ready to end your offense. Without lots of playtime, you won’t know which one lines up where. So now that we’re in an era of new graphics, let’s let the stars speak for themselves. Slicer of the Road Warriors should carry a sword, the Butcher should carry a cleaver. K.T. Slayer should be bigger than any other troll. Snake should have a forked tongue. Bones Jackson should look like his cartoon self with sunglasses and funky hair. I’m not saying there has to be any other large advantage to using them, but something to make them stand out would be great. Penalties for losing a star. If you play with reserves off, a player dies and is back on the field next play. However, if you lose a star player, they should have to stay out for a few plays or maybe for an entire series. If they make such an impact on the field, there should be an impact when they’re forced off. How about some lore? Give a pregame show that shows the star players in training for the big game, maybe with something unique about each. Maybe Snake is gobbling up mice or The Razor Kid is sharpening his fangs to a steely glint. Using the cartoon as an example, make K.T. Slayer a horrifying tyrant and give him a special entry with a cheerleader from each team on his arm. For that matter, make it so that the Slaycity Slayers never play an away game! The practice summary says that the Killer Konvicts win and get paroled. Okay, make that happen. We learn before the game that they don’t get real names, they just get titles based on what they did- Butcher was a serial killer, Smuggler was a smuggler, Aorta was an organ thief. If you win the Mutant Bowl with them, you find out that the Butcher goes back to a life of killing and is back in prison just so he can play more football, you find out that Smuggler wrote an amazing book about being a skeleton in prison, and you find out Aorta’s real name is Susan and he enjoys poetry on a quiet Sunday afternoon. The point is, there are lots of things you can do to make this reboot as amazing as the original, but there’s no excuse to not make it better- there’s no excuse to not make it the best football game of all time.