Transcript: EastEnders - 11 May 1995 The Television Transcript Project */EastEnders /* *Written by:* Richard Zajdlic 11 May 1995 British Air Date: Thursday, 11 May 1995. (Aired in Denver, CO, USA on: 22 July 1997.) Probably episode #170 in the second numbering series (after the first 952 episodes). Transcript of the *previous* episode (Tuesday) *Synopsis:* Kathy's birthday starts off well but the Meal from Hell looms for the evening; early on, David winds Ricky up; Robbie has chucked in his paper route but Carol wants him to take it back; Della and Binnie have fun with Lydia's opinion of herself; Ricky moves back into his dad's house, winding David up every chance he finds; how will Phil meet his promise to Kath to be the sweetest bloke Ian ever met that evening? In Cockney English (or British English in general, for some terms), a "chippie" is a fish and chips (fries) shop. A "git" is similar to, but not so as strong as a "sod" or "bugger" ("a vulgar slang term for a child or a sodomite" -- which in turn are perhaps equivalents to the U.S. terms "fucker" and "asshole"). To "rabbit on" is to chatter; "poxy" means inferior, "glam" is short for glamorous; a "wind-up" is like "getting someone's goat" in the U.S.--a deliberate tease or lie to make someone angry; a "lorry" is a truck; "cheers" and "ta" both mean thank you; "cheers" can also mean good-bye (and also "cheers" is sometimes a toast); a "flat" is an apartment; a "row" is an argument (rhymes with "wow"); a "quid" is a pound (money). "Hoy!" is an attention getting exclamation (which sounds more like "Oy!" to me.) Notes: "eh" is usually pronounced "Ay," like the name of the letter A, especially when at end of a sentence/question. Eh? "Loo--" is "Look", interrupted. KATH = KATHY = KATH CHELLE = MICHELLE = CHELLE DEBS = DEBBIE = DEBS Braces {} enclose unclear speech. About 30 scenes. 19 characters: ROBBIE, CAROL, PHIL, KATH, IAN, CINDY, BIANCA, DAVID, RICKY, DELLA, LYDIA, BLOSSOM, MR. DUGAN, DEBBIE, PEGGY, GRANT, BINNIE, MICHELLE, PAULINE, and Wellhard and Frieda (plus CUSTOMER and WAITER). Cast list (cast.htm 3K) When I printed this, it took 35 pages. Transcribed via VCR tape and microcassette. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [*/EastEnders/ Intro* with theme music (time: 00:27). Intro theme: Save music (417kb mp3).] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Thursday morning. Outside, CAROL, ROBBIE, and Wellhard are walking.] ROBBIE Now--get /off/ me, all right? CAROL What, you gonna walk there yourselves are ya? ROBBIE Mom, what /for?/ CAROL 'Cause if you don't, I'll /march/ you there! ROBBIE Mom, I /can't/ go back now! I told ya yesterday I was chuckin' it in! CAROL W-you'll just have to tell 'em you've changed you mind, won't ya? ROBBIE I can't belie' this--it's only a /flippin' pa/per route. CAROL Look. This ain't a branch of Bernardo's, you know. You've /left school,/ Robbie. We can't afford to have you sittin' here doing nothing! ROBBIE Well I /won't/ be! CAROL You're an /a/dult now, an' that means you've got 'o start contributing to your keep. Well, /and/ your dog's. Not just to run off things when he's ill, I mean all the time! Well, his /food/ for a start. ROBBIE Mum, I can't-- CAROL He is your responsibility. Now if you can't afford to feed him, then he'll have to go an' live somewhere else. ROBBIE You can't chuck him out! CAROL [keeping voice down] Oh yeah? Just watch me. I'll go straight up to Kings Cross an', "Oh dear! Uh! I've left Wellhard on the overnight to Glasgow!" ROBBIE Don't you worry, mum, I'm wanna get a job. I'm wanna get a /better/ one, all right? CAROL Well, I should hope so, but until you do, you're gonna carry on with your paper route. ROBBIE What /for,/ mum! I /hate do/ing it! CAROL Working in the Laundrette ain't exactly my life's ambition, but I do it because I /have/ to! Now, /move!/ ROBBIE [tsk--leaving] CAROL [calling after him] Welcome to the Real world, Robbie. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [PHIL and KATH in bed. He's got her breakfast in bed on a tray, which she has about finished.] PHIL Happy birthday. [gives her a jeweller's box] KATH Oh, thank you. [opens it, a necklace chain] PHIL I hope you like it.. You can change it if you like.. KATH No. No. No. Phil it.. it's lovely, thank you. [they kiss] PHIL Well, I thought I better treat you. I mean, you ain't got many birthdays left, 'i'n't you? [smiles] KATH [amused] Oh, /don/'t! PHIL [chuckles] KATH I {feel} about ninety as it is! PHIL [taking tray] So. What you got planned for today, then? KATH Oh nothing much. Blossom's in the cafe so, I thought I'd just have a lie in, get me hair done, an' uh.. worry about tonight. PHIL What, the meal? It's gonna be great.. KATH Yeah.. Cindy said Ian's really gonna make an effort.. PHIL There you go then.. KATH I want him to accept us, though.. It's im/por/tant. I--I /hate/ it when we're not gettin' on. PHIL It'll be fine.. KATH You will be nice to him, won't you? You know, the way you were with Ricky the other night. If he could see /that/ side of you-- PHIL [gently assuring] Listen, I'm going to be the /sweet/est, kindest bloke he's ever met. And you're goin' to have the best birthday meal you've ever had. Okay? KATH Thank you. [they kiss] PHIL Now come here. [He moves in on her and she giggles and yelps in fun.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Ian and Cindy's living room. IAN's at the desk. CINDY comes in holding a light blue dress. Note: she seems to have nearly forgotten the corset incident.] IAN Here, these figures are lookin' good. You know, for the shop. We keep goin' at this rate, we'll be able to think about openin' up another chippie. CINDY Oh, great. Look, I thought I'd wear this tonight--what d'you think? IAN [hardly glancing] Nn? Yeah, ah--lovely. CINDY Your concern is overwhelming, Ian. What you gonna wear? IAN [dread/dismissive] Yeah--I don't know--whatever. CINDY Ian, we're supposed to be makin' an effort! IAN What for!? It's gonna be a lousy evening, with lousy company! CINDY Oh. Thanks. IAN Oh you know what I mean. CINDY Look. Kathy's rel/ying/ on us. IAN I'm turnin' up, what more's she want? CINDY She wants us to enjoy ourselves. IAN Well, the only thing I'm gonna enjoy is the taxi home. CINDY [sigh] Oh, that's great, that is, i'n't it. IAN [witty] In fact, the only plus point is, all right, about this whole stupid evening: we won't have to suffer it again 'til next year. That's if the marriage lasts that long. CINDY [very subtle wit] You said it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The market. DAVID comes out of the cafe and greets BIANCA.] DAVID [happy] Hello love. All set for this afternoon, then? BIANCA [smartly] Yup, I'm gonna reverse around the corner if it kills me. DAVID Ha! Probably kill us both, the way you drive. BIANCA Oh don't be horrible, I'm doin' all right, aren't I? DAVID You're doin' great! BIANCA I've got an incentive now, anyway. DAVID What's that.. BIANCA Well, the present! You said you'd get me if I done it! DAVID Oh, yeah, yeah. BIANCA You weren't lyin', was ya? DAVID No! No no, I wasn't lyin'. BIANCA What is it, then? DAVID We're gonna find that out when you do it right, won't you? Oh! Hi, hi--there he is: bang on time. [about RICKY, who's entering the cafe] RICKY [stops] An' what's that supposed to mean? DAVID I can set my watch by you, Ricky. Eleven o'clock sharp, Phil's go-fer comes to the cafe. RICKY I ain't his go-fer. DAVID [dismissive] Well, go-fer, tea boy, what's the difference. [to B] Right, I'll see you at {2:50} then. [he's leaving and B's heading into the cafe] RICKY [goes to DAVID] Hoy! Look, I ain't nobody's tea boy, all right? DAVID [stops] Hey, hey, hey, lighten /up,/ mate. Lighten up! You know what they say, "If it's not true, it can't get to you, can it?" Ta da. [leaves] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Kool for Kuts. DELLA is with a CUSTOMER. Another CUSTOMER is in the back area under a hair dryer. LYDIA is working on writing something.] DELLA Uh, Lydia. I think Mrs. Johnson's ready for you now. LYDIA Yeah, okay. DELLA Lydia! LYDIA I'm /comin',/ all right! It's not /my/ fault! If you weren't closin' down, I wouldn't have to be doin' this at /all, would/ I? DELLA Well, what /is/ it? LYDIA It's my /ref/erence, for this new place I'm applyin' to. DELLA Your what? LYDIA My /job/ reference. I'll leave it on the counter, for you to /sign./ An' don't worry, it's only what you'd o' written anyway. KATHY [arriving in a rush] Della. Look--I'm sorry, I can't stop, any chance o' fittin' me in this afternoon? LYDIA [self-assured] Well, I'm not too sure about that, we-- DELLA No problem, Kath. Ah--about three. Is that okay? KATHY Fine. See you then. [leaves] DELLA See ya. LYDIA You've just got /no/ idea, have you? No /won/der you're goin' out o' business. DELLA Excuse me? LYDIA You've gotta make 'em think we're /real/ly busy. DELLA We /are/ really busy, now can you see to Mrs. /John/son, please?! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Arches. RICKY and PHIL.] RICKY {An' he called} me your /tea/ boy. He's treatin' me like I'm /noth/ing. PHIL You shouldn't let him wind you up. RICKY Yeah, I know, but I can't help it. That smug git. Tell you, he won't be so happy when he finds out I've moved back in. PHIL That's definite, is it? RICKY Yeah, this afternoon. He's givin' Bianca her drivin' lesson at half-two. PHIL You sure that's all he's givin' her? RICKY Uh? Oh don't be silly. So I thought I'd move me gear over then, if, that's all right. PHIL Yeah, fine. RICKY Yeah? {Straighten him out, now I'm back.} Not from him or anyone. An' there's that Lionel. He's next. PHIL How'd you mean? RICKY I'm gonna find out who he is, where he lives. An' I'm gonna break his windows. PHIL You're what? RICKY Well it's gotta be done, i'n't it? PHIL Well, I wouldn't do that if I was you. RICKY Why not? PHIL Well I don't suppose he'd /like/ it very much, that's all. RICKY Well how's he gonna know it's me? PHIL Well, he might find out, might he? You know how word travels around here. Just forget about it, eh? RICKY Yeah, I've gotta do something, Phil. Otherwise he's--he's walking all /o/ver me! PHIL Look: you're moving up. He's done you a /fa/vour. Just think of it like that.. RICKY Oh, I don't know.. PHIL No, you don't. No you don't know anything about this geezer. For all you know, he might be very heavy. Just forget about it, okay? /Ricky./ I'm /ser/ious. Just don't get involved, okay? RICKY Yeah, you're right. Scum like that, they ain't worth it, are they? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The cafe. As a several people are leaving, ROBBIE and CAROL come in. BLOSSOM is behind the counter.] CAROL Well? ROBBIE Not particularly, no. CAROL Robbie. Did she give you your job back. ROBBIE Look--just get out of my face, all right? Cup of tea, please, Gran. BLOSSOM What's wrong. ROBBIE Ohhh, nothing. CAROL He's just had a {hard doze around,} an' he doesn't /like/ it! ROBBIE [to BLOSSOM] {Look, I ain't that all right!} I jacked in my job an' she made me go an' ask for it back! BLOSSOM Ohhh. ROBBIE [bitterly] Said she'd kill my /dog/ otherwise. CAROL [enjoying, to BLOSSOM] I didn't, I didn't. ROBBIE As good as. CAROL Look, all I said was you just need some responsibility. ROBBIE Look, all you said was--all right, mum--I gotta start behavin' like an adult. CAROL Yeah? Well, what's wrong with that then. ROBBIE Well then why do I have to keep doin' a kid's job? CAROL Listen: you get something else an' you can jack it in anytime you like. ROBBIE [more to himself than anyone] I had to beg her, Beg her, to take me back! For a /flip/pin' paper route! CAROL {First suggestion?} ROBBIE Oh look, forget the tea, {I've had enough of yakkin' at you.} [leaving] CAROL Robbie! ROBBIE [turning briefly] If you must know, I start tomorrow. Happy now? Dog Killer. [leaves] [CAROL and BLOSSOM share stifled laughter.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The betting shop office. DEBBIE brought coffee to DUGAN and is leaving.] DUGAN Thanks Debbie. How're things at home. Okay? DEBBIE Yeah. They're fine. Really. DUGAN Good! You an' Nigel gettin' on a bit better now then. DEBBIE Yeah, we're really good. He's takin' me out to dinner tomorrow. DUGAN Yeah? Ooo.. What's /he/ feelin' guilty about then? Huh ha ha! [gets up, approaching her] Look um. I'm sorry about yesterday. DEBBIE [feigning forgotten so as to see what kind of man he is] What'd you mean? DUGAN Well, makin' you work through your lunch break like that. Take an extra half hour today. Just to make up for it. I've /warn/ed the other girls, so we're covered. Sandra's stayin' in. DEBBIE Right. Thanks. DUGAN He's uh, not still askin' you about having more kids then. DEBBIE No! No, we're fine, really! DUGAN Good.. If there's ever anything that I can do, you just let me know, eh? [pats her shoulder] DEBBIE [quiet, uncomfortable, leaves] Yeah.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Vic. PEGGY and GRANT are working behind the bar. PHIL is sitting at the bar, talking to her. RICKY enters during their conversation.] PEGGY [about GRANT, down the bar] Look at 'im. Miserable sod. Do you think he's all right about this license business? PHIL He said he was. Why? PEGGY What about the rest of it, me buying into the pub? PHIL I dunno. PEGGY Been ever so moody lately, don't you think.. Wouldn't be anything to do with Sharon, would it? PHIL How'd you mean? PEGGY /Nah./ He's probably hung-over, he drank a skin full last night. Watchin' TV 'til all hours. Yes, Ricky, what can I get ya, love? RICKY Uh, {no I won't,} uh, I'm, not stoppin'. Can I have a word, Phil? PHIL Yeah, sure! [They step away from the bar.] RICKY Look. I just wanted to give you this, it's that, uh letter to Sam. Uh, have you asked her yet? PHIL [takes enveloped letter] No, not yet, but uh, well I'll do it now if you like. RICKY Yeah. If you think she'll be all right about it. PHIL Yeah, stick around an' see for yourself, yeah? RICKY No. Better not. PHIL She don't bite ya know! RICKY [begging off, leaving] Oh, no, it's just I've gotta get back, I, got things to do, all right? PHIL Okay son. PEGGY What was that all about? PHIL Uh listen, can we.. can we have a bit of a chat? Upstairs. [He's heading off for upstairs. PEGGY's leery.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Meanwhile, at the bar are BINNIE and DELLA. DELLA is amused, reading the recommendation letter Lydia gave her to sign before they leave.] DELLA "/Ly/dia is an /a/sset to /a/ny salon. Popular, kind, and courteous, with a /bub/bly sense of humour."! BINNIE [just as amused] Oh, what! DELLA "A /fav/ourite with the customers, her Styling matches her personality." BINNIE Hah-ha, /what/ personality. DELLA Tell me about it, "Full of fun, flair, and creativity, /she/ is /des/tined to go far." BINNIE I don't believe the front of her. How can she expect you to /sign/ that? DELLA [has pen] Well I think we ought to add a bit more, first, don't you? BINNIE Oh yes. "/Ly/dia is the most /bo/ring, egocentric--" DELLA [amused] Ha-huh! We'll do this one as a joke. I'll write her a proper one later. BINNIE [amused] Yeah, but she's /bound/ to see the funny side of it, isn't she? What with all that "bubbly" sense of humour of hers. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Upstairs at the Vic, PHIL and PEGGY talking. She's on the couch, he's standing.] PHIL He just wants you to send it on, an' if he /don't/ hear from her, well at least he gave it a shot, didn't he. PEGGY Well, what if he /does/ hear from her, what then? PHIL [shrugs] That's up to them. PEGGY He's not plannin' to try an' get her back or anything, is he? PHIL [breathes in] I don't know. PEGGY 'Cause Sam's /set/tled now, an' she's doin' /really well/. I don't want Ricky messing it /up/ for her. PHIL Yeah, well like I said, if she don't wanna know, she won't write back, will she? PEGGY I never thought he was right for her anyway. PHIL /Nah,/ he's a good lad. PEGGY /Yeah!/ But she can do so much better, don't ya think? /I/ do, an' so does she! /Why/ do you think she left him in the first place? PHIL All right, they were married when they were too young, but, well Sam's /old/er now, i'n't she? PEGGY She's still my baby, Phil. PHIL Mum, she's a grown woman. She's old enough to make her own decisions. She don't need you doin' it /for/ her. PEGGY /Don't/ talk to me like that! She made up her mind four /years/ ago! PHIL [amused] Yeah, well that's four /years/ ago! PEGGY Ha-huh! An' he /hard/ly treated his /last/ girlfriend very well, /did/ he? All that /trou/ble he caused over that /Na/talie girl? PHIL Yeah, well that's over now, i'n't it. PEGGY [standing] Ex/ac/tly. It's /o/ver. So is it worth upsetting Sam just 'cause Ricky's feeling a little bit /lone/ly? PHIL [has been sighing] Look, mum, I don't wanna fight about it, all right? I said I'd pass it on an' I have. Now, are you gonna send it on or what? PEGGY I'm gonna /think/ about it, that's what. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a /bar/ to run. [leaves] [PHIL sighs.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Downstairs in the Vic, by the stairs. GRANT's on the phone and PEGGY's coming down the stairs.] GRANT Yeah, hold on. I'll just go an' get her. /Mum! Phone./ PEGGY Yeah? Who /is/ it then? GRANT It's the Estate agent. Someone wants to have a look at your house. So much for bein' given a chance to think about it. [he leaves and PEGGY looks like, /whoops/] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [In the Vic, as GRANT goes behind the bar, KATH, MICHELLE, and PAULINE are coming in. MICHELLE goes to to the bar. They're clearly taking KATH out for a birthday drink. (NIGEL and DEBS are drinking orange juices at a table.)] MICHELLE {All right. I'll get these.} What'd you want? KATH Oh, I'll have a white wine, please. I'll get us a seat. MICHELLE Mum, gin an' tonic? PAULINE No I'll have orange juice, please-- KATH Hoy! No, not on /my/ birthday you won't. PAULINE All right, you've gone an' twist me arm. MICHELLE [business, to GRANT] Um, two, dry white wines an' a gin an' tonic, please. GRANT [sighs] No Sharon, then? MICHELLE You don't miss a trick, do ya. GRANT Just that I wanted to have a word with her. You know, about the license agreement. MICHELLE Oh, what, you're havin' trouble with all those big words. GRANT So. Where is she then. MICHELLE I don't know. She's out. GRANT Where's she gone? MICHELLE To wherever she was /go/in'.. Not that it's any of /your/ business. GRANT All right, that'll be, uh.. five twenty. [MICHELLE pays and takes the drinks away. PEGGY's looking at him doubtfully and he looks over at her.] GRANT What? PEGGY Nothing.. [At the small table where KATH and PAULINE are celebrating quietly, MICHELLE comes over with the drinks tray and sits.] KATH {Oh god, you watch it,} you devil! Cheers, Paul. PAULINE {??} Anyway, /Ar/thur sends his best. I /ask/ed him to come over, but uh, he's at home, /sulk/in'. We had a bit of a /row/ the other night. MICHELLE Oh, what about? PAULINE Oh, it's {/sil/ly, too, an'} I don't know what is it about men an' football. PEGGY [just come by for the tray] What/ev/er it is, i'been a little /gold/ mine for this pub. I tell you, /why/ no one's ever /thought/ about enterin' this competition before, /beats/ me. MICHELLE [quiet, testy] Is that right? PEGGY Uh-huh--'s been a real Buzz about this place ever since. Been a while since /that/ happened, eh? MICHELLE An' who's fault's that? [PAULINE whispers: "Chelle"] No, hang--hang on, what'd you mean by that, Peggy? PEGGY I'm just sayin' I got /plans,/ that's all! Like with V.E. Day. I'm gonna turn this place into something Really Special. MICHELLE And Sharon didn't? Is that it? [to others] She was a great landlady, wasn't she. Well, /was/n't she.. PAULINE Yes, she /was!/ MICHELLE She was ter/rif/ic. She /made/ this place. [over to GRANT] Even /you/ gotta admit /that./ Oh, you spineless git, no wonder she /dump/ed ya. PEGGY [loud with authority] Uh, that's enough! If you can't be civil, /get out./ [MICHELLE testily stares down PEGGY, who moves on. Then MICHELLE quietly says to KATH and PAULINE, "Sssorry.."] PAULINE Well, uh, happy birthday, Kathy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [View, from a window above, of DAVID and BIANCA getting in her car. It's RICKY looking from in his flat. He turns, pleased.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Kool for Kuts. LYDIA is with a CUSTOMER.] CUSTOMER Oh. That's /real/ly /great./ I wish I'd got /you/ to do it the /last/ time. Thanks. LYDIA You'll have to come see me at my new place, then. If I get the job. Over on the {dogston are road.} CUSTOMER Oh! I've /heard/ about that one! Run by that /french/ bloke, i'n't it? LYDIA Yeah, that's right: /Mar/cus. CUSTOMER Yeah. LYDIA He's /real/ly good. They do /pro/per beauty treatments there. Really professional. [quiet and quickly to her CUSTOMER's ear] Not like this place. Hm-hm! [loud] Still, you gotta work with the good people if you want to improve. That's what /Mar/cus says. You'll never get /any/where working with Dross. BINNIE Meaning? LYDIA Nothing. Much. [the "Much" was quiet, quickly leaning down to CUSTOMER's ear] CUSTOMER You're well out of it. {Now.} [goes to DELLA at counter] [LYDIA giggles.] DELLA That's, uh, eighteen pounds, please. CUSTOMER Here's twenty. [to LYDIA] Extra two's for you, okay? LYDIA Thanks. CUSTOMER [to DELLA] Closing down yet? DELLA That's right. In about three hours. CUSTOMER Bit silly, really, wasn't it. DELLA I'm sorry? CUSTOMER Settin' up around here. Still. At least you had a go, eh? What ya gonna do next, try something else? DELLA [weary but smart] An' we're pretending you give a toss, right? [BINNIE enjoys that, bursting out laughing. The CUSTOMER immediately leaves.] LYDIA You are so rude.. DELLA [testy] I can be a lot worse. Wait 'til you see your reference. LYDIA What'd you mean. DELLA Here. Binnie helped. BINNIE Yeah, just for the spelling. Della wasn't sure whether ob/nox/ious had one 'B' or two. [LYDIA scans the letter and tears it up.] DELLA Oh, that's not very "bubbly"! LYDIA You've /nev/er liked me, /ei/ther of you. BINNIE Oh. We forgot to put "perceptive." LYDIA I don't know why I ever wasted my /time/ in this dump. You're a pair of jealous /dyke/-y bitches. Yeah, that's right, I've heard about you two. I hope you both die horribly. DELLA [mock socially] So you don't want to keep in /touch,/ then? LYDIA I'm leavin' here /right/ now. [grabs jacket and leaves!] DELLA [mock socially] By--eee! BINNIE [amused, does likewise] All the be-est! [KATHY arrives and had just passed LYDIA.] KATHY Uh! What's the matter with her? BINNIE [wry] How long you got? [to DELLA] What are you gonna do about her real reference? DELLA [relieved, happy] I'll take it 'round later with her wages. BINNIE Ha! Felt good, though, didn't it? Ha ha ha! /Right./ Time to /par/ty! [turns on the radio, happy day] DELLA Oh, sorry, Kath, sit down. Binnie, a cup of tea for the customer. BINNIE Comin' up. DELLA [good mood, enticing] Right, then. It's our last day, so as a closin'-down special, you can have whatever you want for a /fiver./ BINNIE She said that to /me/ last night, an' all. DELLA Ha ha! Well? KATHY Oh I don' know, I'll let you decide. DELLA All /right!/ KATHY Don't go mad, all right, I don't want nothing weird. DELLA Relax, will you? It'll be /great./ Phil will worship you for /weeks/ after this. [KATHY looks doubtful.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Out in BIANCA's car, she's taking a driving lesson from DAVID.] DAVID Okay, get your position, all right? No, look, you're twistin' your head too much. Shift your body over. Oh, come on--get your--your.. BIANCA Me bum over. DAVID Yeah. [She perfunctorily smiles and then gives him a deadpan look, shifting into position. She turns around, they're working on backing up around a corner on the deserted street.] DAVID All right, now keep look.. look out the back window, keep that mark. Keep that in sight, okay. Slowly.. not too fast.. Good girl. BIANCA [concentrating] Shut /up./ [We just watch as she backs it up and around a corner.] DAVID Good. BIANCA There you go. See? All I needed was for you to stop rabbittin' at me. DAVID [a little stressed yet relieved] Mmm, it was good. Very good. You keep goin' at this rate, you'll be about {puttin'} for your test. BIANCA Oh, stuff the test, wha'bout the present! DAVID [amused] Bianca! BIANCA Well you said! DAVID Yeah, all right, but I haven't got it /on/ me, have I? It's in the house. BIANCA Well, come on, then. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The betting shop. Behind the counter are DEBBIE, SANDRA, and DUGAN. NIGEL's just coming in.] DEBBIE /Nig/el! What a lovely sur/prise!/ NIGEL Thought it'd be a nice idea, you know. DEBBIE I'll just get me coat on. DUGAN No, no no no, let me. [takes her coat] DEBBIE Uh, right, thanks. DUGAN [showy, helping her with her coat] My Pleasure. Nothing's too good for my staff. [holds onto her shoulders] Now. You take Good Care of her, you hear? NIGEL [pleased] Yeah, yeah I will. Right. We off then? DEBBIE Yeah. DUGAN Bye Nigel. Nice to see ya. NIGEL Yeah, yeah, see you again, uh, Mr. ah-- DUGAN Call me /Stan./ NIGEL Right Stan. Cheers. [warm, quiet, to DEBS as they leave] He's a nice bloke, i'n't he? DEBBIE Heh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Butcher's. RICKY's relaxing in the living room with a beer, loud music on. He's playing this moment for all it's worth: DAVID and BIANCA are just now coming in.] DAVID /Rick/y! What the 'ell do you think you're doing?! RICKY Phil give me the afternoon off, so I thought I'd chill out for a bit. You know, have a few beers--want one? DAVID Is this some sort of joke, mate? RICKY I can't hear you. Sorry? [DAVID quickly shuts off the stereo.] BIANCA Was en/joy/in' that! DAVID What's goin' on? RICKY Uh, that's not such a /wel/come /is/ it? DAVID What you talkin' about. RICKY Well, I've moved back in. DAVID [testy] You what? RICKY Yeah, well I can't afford the /bed/ sit no more so I thought I'd move back in. You don't mind do you? DAVID /Yes/ I /do/ mind! An' that's my /beer/ you're guzzlin'! RICKY Oh! "Share an' share alike," eh?! Flatmate. DAVID Bianca, um, [B: "What."] I think you'd better go, love. BIANCA What /for?!/ DAVID I've gotta sort this out. BIANCA But you said-- DAVID I'm sorry, love, I'm sorry, we'll do it another time. [BIANCA leaves, peeved.] RICKY Sorry about that. DAVID You are /not/ /stay/in' here! RICKY [determined, calm] Yes I am. This is my /dad's/ place. I got as /much/ right to be here as you have. [standing] Look, if you don't /like/ it, there's a nice little /bed/ sit across the square, it's only seventy quid. [turns stereo on again] Put the kettle on, eh, "tea boy"? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [CINDY at her set of mirrors (they're set up on the kitchen table), getting ready for the dinner out. IAN's in view, via the mirror, harried.] IAN Oh it's emotional /black/mail, that's what it is. [imitating] "Be happy for me, Ian." CINDY Well why /can't/ ya be? IAN I am: just don't want it rammed down me /throat/ all evening. CINDY Oh, come on Ian, it's her /birth/day. IAN An' /so what?/ It was yours /yes/terday. I mean, we didn't crash around their house, forcin' them to watch how blissfully happy we are, /did/ we? CINDY Nope, we didn't. IAN I mean, who {wants}--she's gone an' married the missing link, she's doin' her bit for animal /wel/fare, but why /ad/vertise it? People might think we're re/lat/ed. CINDY Well, at least he's {did that.} IAN Oh. Don't remind me. {Are you nearly ready.} CINDY Nearly. Anyway, we got /a/ges yet. It's only just seven. IAN Yeah, well I wanna pop into the Vic first. I mean this evening's gonna be /hell/ on earth as it /is,/ there's no way I'm gettin' there /so/ber. CINDY Well we /can't/ go 'til Gita arrives, can we? [stands, the doorbell's ringing] There. What'd you think? IAN Yeah. Oh! [leaving] All right, that'll be her. I'll go an' get your jacket. [calling] Yeah, maybe we can pop into the shop on the way out, just to check if everything's all right. CINDY [exasperated sigh] Ian, I am /not/ going into that restaurant stinkin' of chip fat, all right? IAN [comes back in] No one'll /no/tice! CINDY [leaving] Oo. I'm gonna punch you in a minute. IAN What?! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [KATHY at her bureau mirror, getting ready for the dinner out. PHIL's in view in the mirror. We see later there are a couple glasses of wine on the bureau.] KATH I think you're right about tonight, yeah? I think it's gonna be great. PHIL Course it is. KATH I think it's just what we need, don't you? All of us spendin' a bit of time together, nice and relaxed? PHIL Yeah. Have you seen my cufflinks? KATH Yeah, on the side in there, I left 'em out for you. PHIL Oh, ta. KATH Ian's really gonna try, you know. He's a bit protective of me really. He always /has/ been. He's probably jealous of ya.. PHIL What for.. KATH Well, you know how competitive he is.. He 'as the same about Pete. Always asking who I loved the most. PHIL Yep? KATH Yeah.. Do you know, we were in/sep/arable then.. Funny you drift apart, e'en from your own kids. PHIL I wouldn't know. KATH What about you an' Peggy? You didn't see much of her for /years./ Don't tell me she didn't miss that, I mean, she wouldn't be here /now/ if she hadn't. PHIL No, I suppose not. KATH Well, it's the same with me an' Ian. We been driftin' apart for /a/ges.. Nn--/years/ really.. An' when I didn't turn up at 'eir wedding, well, I don't think he's ever really forgiven me for that.. PHIL [gentle] Yeah, well, that's his problem, i'n't it. Not ours. He'll come 'round. [sits by her] KATH I hope so, Phil. I really want him to enjoy tonight. I want it to be a success. PHIL It's gonna be Great. We're gonna have a /great/ time. I promise.. [whisper] Cheers.. [takes his glass] KATH [whisper] Cheers.. [they clink glasses] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Vic. IAN and CINDY are at the bar and PEGGY's behind the bar. IAN's clearly talked himself out of any prospect of it being an enjoyable evening--he's just wryly getting nearly hammered.] CINDY Ian, what'd you order another one for? IAN Oh, we got time. CINDY It's nearly twenty to eight! PEGGY You're looking very glam. Where you off too, then. CINDY {Off his food} if he doesn't hurry up. IAN Look, we'll be fifteen minutes late, so it's fifteen minutes we ain't gotta /waste/ with them, i'n't it. PEGGY Mm, sounds very grim. Who's that then? IAN Uuum. Uh, no one. Heh. CINDY Friends of Ian's--business. PEGGY Oh right! Well. Good luck then. [she goes off to serve customers] CINDY Thanks. [quiet to IAN] That was a clever, /was/n't it? IAN {The problem /is,/ with these flippin'} Mitchells, they get /every/where, don't they. [DAVID's just come in, stands behind them.] DAVID [friendly] Now, th's a sight for sore eyes. Very nice. CINDY Oh! Glad someone noticed. DAVID I'd get a taxi, mate, wherever it is you're takin' her. 'Cause you're gonna get mobbed in a rush otherwise. [moves on, deadpan winking at her] IAN You look lovely. Didn't I say? CINDY Can we go now please, Ian? IAN We're here now, let me just finish this first, eh? [IAN drinks. CINDY looks over at DAVID, who holds eye contact.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The gardens at dusk. GRANT, taking Frieda out for a walk, keeps looking at CHELLE's house.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [PHIL and KATHY, side by side in the restaurant at their table, politely waiting/making conversation. When IAN and CINDY arrive, CINDY has a small present.] KATHY Not gonna show. PHIL Course they will. KATHY Well, where /are/ they then? PHIL [looking back over his shoulder] Here they are now. CINDY Hi-ii. Sorry we're late, Kath. KATHY Oh that's all right. CINDY We forgot the present so, had to go back an' get it. KATHY Oh ya-- CINDY Happy birthday. IAN Happy birthday, mum. [kiss] PHIL [as they sit, pleasant] Well, we ordered wine, do you--do you want to join us or do you want something different. CINDY Oh no, wine's great, thanks. PHIL Ian? IAN Uh, what is it. KATHY [pleasant] Oh, it's some french stuff. Phil chose it. It's really good. IAN [dismissive] Oh, I'll have a beer, then. CINDY Ian. IAN W--I don't know what I'm gonna /eat/ yet, /do/ I? I mean, how can you order wine, when you don't know what the /meal/ is? [wry to PHIL] No offense. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [GRANT, still walking Frieda, sees MICHELLE leave the house. He goes in the gate and knocks on the door. The house is dark but he peeks in the window. There's no answer. He leaves.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Meanwhile, at the restaurant. Things haven't improved. Silent eating at first.] PHIL So how's business goin', Ian--all right? IAN Yeah. All right, thanks. CINDY Yeah, we're openin' up a new shop soon, aren't we Ian. IAN Mm. KATHY Yeah? That's good, i'n't it. PHIL Mm. CINDY Yeah, an we got a new assistant startin' next week. IAN Where's the waiter, you could die of /thirst/ in this place. KATHY Why don' you have some wine? IAN Red wine with fish? I don't think so. KATHY Well, you could've ordered something different-- IAN Yeah, I wish I /had,/ this is ap/pal/ling. I need somethin' to wash the /taste/ away. Waiter! Waiter. WAITER Is everything all right, sir? IAN Yeah, I ordered a beer about an hour ago. Any chance of it turnin' up before I leave? WAITER [pause, polite] I'll get it for you. IAN Yeah, well, make it two, will you? [WAITER leaves] [to KATH] Well, we don' know when we're gonna /see/ him again, /do/ we? CINDY Don't you think you've had e/nough/ to drink, Ian. IAN [sigh] I thought we were meant to be enjoyin' ourselves. KATH That /was/ the general idea. Yeah. [PHIL sighs] [The group returns to silent eating.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Vic. DAVID's at the bar, RICKY comes up to him. PEGGY's behind the bar.] RICKY Oh, uh some /bird/ phoned for you, returnin' your call. Fiona somethin'. DAVID [interested] Fiona Banks? RICKY Yeah, that's the one. Wanted to know if you fancied a drink tonight, you know, now you've got the house to yourself an' that. Yeah, I put her straight. [to PEGGY, then DAVID] Uh, can I have a pint please--sure you don't want one? DAVID What'd you mean, you "put her straight"? RICKY [affecting nonchalance] Well, I /told/ her that /I've/ moved back in now and uh, you know, you wanted to spend a bit of time with me. DAVID [shocked disbelief] You did what? RICKY Yeah, she seemed a bit disappointed. But I told her the only reason why you phoned her in the /first/ place is because you fancied a quickie. Ain't that right? DAVID [angrily grabbing him] You silly sod! PEGGY Uh, uh! /Cut/ it out, David! DAVID --Well!-- RICKY What's the matter wi' you--/Light/en up, eh?! Yeah, you know what they say. "If it's not true, it can't /get/ to you, /can/ it?" PEGGY Ricky. Out. RICKY What for? PEGGY I know a wind-up when I see one! You come back when you've learned how to behave! [RICKY feels wronged and leaves, DAVID slapping his arm. PEGGY goes to the back room, pauses, takes something out from just under her belt. It's the enveloped letter. Resolved, she rips it in two and puts it aside.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The restaurant. By now, KATH's bemused by her son's drunkenness on her birthday. Their plates have been taken away, they're just relaxing.] CINDY Did you like the knives? KATH Oh, yeah.. Yeah, they're great.. Always need them, don't ya? IAN Yeah, well, try not to ruin /this/ set, eh? [ruefully sighs] CINDY Oh, lovely necklace, Kathy. Is it new? KATH Yeah. Phil got it for me. CINDY It's gorgeous. Where'd you get it from? IAN Off the back of a lorry. Heh heh.. [to the silence] You /did/n't, did ya? PHIL No. WAITER [comes up and asks] Would you like to order dessert? IAN Oh, yeah, go on, I will. I've gotta salvage something from this evening. [takes the menu, sighs] Yeah, I'll have the ice cream. I don't think you can /ru/in that, can ya? [getting up] All right, I'm goin' {for a splash. Try not to} talk about me while I'm gone. [leaves] PHIL Anyone else for dessert? Uh, just three coffees please. An', by the way, the food was very nice. Thanks. WAITER Thank you. [leaves] PHIL Listen, uh. I need to use the toilet as well. I won't be a second. [leaves] CINDY {Look,} Kath, I'm sorry.. KATH [sad] It's all right. CINDY Well ya--he's been workin' really /hard/ recently--he's just /tired./ KATH No Cindy. He's a git. It just--don't make excuses for him, all right? I mean--he could o' been nice if he wanted. Just wasn't worth the effort, was I? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The men's rest room. IAN's at the sink when PHIL comes in.] IAN [wry] They must brew their beer in here. Tastes like it anyway. [PHIL angrily, but very controlled, grabs IAN by the tie and then stops!] PHIL Now I got two words for you, you slippery little git: Try Harder. IAN You what? PHIL Now you told Kathy you was gonna make an effort for tonight. I ain't seen much evidence of that so far-- IAN [tired, despising] Oh, /shut/ up, Mitchell-- PHIL Now you do one more thing to upset Kathy, an' I'm gonna put you in hospital, all right? IAN What, you gonna hit me? Well go on, then, hit me. See how much me /mum/ likes you /then./ PHIL No, it won't be me, Ian. I'll just make sure someone mugs you on your way home from that poxy chip shop. IAN She'll know it's you. PHIL No she won't.. 'Cause I know a lot o' /nas/ty bastards, Ian. People who do that sort of thing for fun.. Now, you're gonna go back in there, an' you're gonna /stop/ behavin' like a spoiled little brat, an' you're gonna /treat/ Kathy with the re/spect/ she deserves, all right? [IAN isn't taking this seriously. PHIL mashes his hand around IAN's chin, shoving him against the wall!] PHIL [loudly] All right!? IAN All right. All right. PHIL [loosens grip] All right. Now how about a mouthwash, eh? Wash all that filth out o' your-- [PHIL is now shoving IAN, who's resisting, crashing against the metal stall walls, into a stall! PHIL shoves IAN's head into the toilet, flushes it, pulls him out! IAN's gasping for air and water is running down his face and neck, and PHIL shoves him onto a wall! IAN's astounded at how low this guy goes.] PHIL [quiet, steps back] Now. You can /be/ nice, or you can be in hospital, all right? Now it's your choice. [IAN, dripping and gasping, got the message.] PHIL [looking in a mirror, straightening his own tie] Clean yourself up. You look a mess. [leaves] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Out in the restaurant, KATH and CINDY are talking.] KATH How you gettin' home then? Cab? CINDY Yeah. I would {offer} to share, but-- KATH No. It's, not a good idea. [PHIL sits down, slightly winded and pleased, but it can pass as being tired and satisfied from the meal.] KATH Where's Ian? PHIL Oh well, uh, he'll only be a minute. He's just cleanin' himself up, he's, been a bit sick. CINDY Oh, what? PHIL Yeah, well I think he had a few too many. KATH [wry understatement] Yeah. He was knockin' 'em back a bit. PHIL [about a coffee] Is that my coffee? Cheers. [drinks] Mmm. That's nice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Vic upstairs, living room. GRANT is lying watching TV. (The show has experts chatting about politics.) GRANT is bored. In his hand he has a photo of Sharon and him, previously folded in four, now open. He has apparently been looking at it off and on. He then crumbles it up, puts it aside, and sighs, still uncomprehending of it all.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The restaurant rest room. Ian's hair is obviously still all wet, and the front of his shirt, and his tie. He is angry and resigned, staring in the mirror as he wipes himself off as best he can, slicks his hair back once more, and leaves.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Out in the restaurant. Things are mellower, happier. IAN soon arrives.] PHIL Go on, have some cake. KATH /No/ I'm /not/ havin' any. I can't get in me /jeans/ {if I put on some weight.} PHIL Here he is now. You all right? IAN Yeah. [IAN arrives back at the table. The women don't quite know what to make of his appearance. PHIL is playing a nice guy and IAN's acting as well as he can. His act: as if embarrassed, making up for his past behaviour, and off balance from being sick. He /is/ sincere about Kath and Cindy.] CINDY Phil said you'd been sick.. IAN Yeah I was just--I'm, feelin' a lot better now, thanks, huh. Look mum, uh, everyone, I'm. I'm sorry I've, I've been feelin' a bit ill all evening. KATH Oh you should have /said../ IAN Yeah, I, I know but.. KATH Oh, you still look a bit shaky. [to CINDY] Don't you think? CINDY Yeah.. he does a bit. IAN Honest, honestly, I'm fine now. Look um. Why don't we start again, eh? I'd like to propose a toast. PHIL Yeah, uh, let me top it up. Yeah? [has bottle] KATH Phil no, I don't think you should do-- IAN It's all, it's all right mum. Yeah, go on. [PHIL pours] Yeah, cheers, Phil. To the best mum in the world: happy birthday. [Everyone clinks glasses and drinks.] KATH Right. It's my turn. To us, and Phil: [they kiss] The new member of the family. {Fresh start as we} need to go on, eh? CINDY To Phil. Ian. [Everyone but IAN has their glass up, clinking.] IAN Mm? Oh, uh. Yeah, Phil. [clink] [During the drink, PHIL is acting sweet, smiling, but IAN's glance at him briefly shows silent despising.] -boom- -boom- -boom-boom- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [show's time: 27:00] [*Credit Roll* with theme music. Long version of exit theme: Save music (1mb mp3).] [time: 00:30; total with intro and credits: 27:57] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Return to the Television Transcript Project email Last Updated: 5 Feb 2000 This fan page is *for curiosity and fun* and is not intended to infringe on any copyright nor to encourage such. 1 [x] close This Page is an outdated, user-generated website brought to you by an archive.It was mirrored from Geocities at the end of October, 2009. For any questions concerning this page try to contact the respective author. (To report any malicious content send the URL to oocities(at gmail dot com). For question about the archive visit: OoCities.org .