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       What I wish I'd known before my son died from suicide
        
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       I wish I'd known that in the hours before someone decides to take
       their own life, they act as if they don't have a care in the world. I
       wish I'd known that. My son might still be alive.
        
       I didn't know anything about suicide before last October. I didn't
       know anything until my son took his own life after sextortion demands
       made on him. Yes, we found the criminal, but it was too late for my
       son to make a victim's impact statement. And I was not allowed to give
       a victim statement on his behalf. That person received a six-month
       jail sentence. He'd already been in jail for three months and now,
       he's out on the streets again. I can't get distracted by that, though.
        
       Wayne Holdsworth with his son Mac who took his own life in October
       2023, aged 17, after becoming the victim of sextortion.
        
       Yes, I only wish that on October 23 last year I knew what I know now.
       If I'd known more, I believe Mac would still be here. I would have
       known that his happiness, his excitement, at dinner that night, was a
       sign of what was to come.
        
       That night felt normal in our household. I'd come home about 6.30pm
       after picking up my daughter from basketball. My wife had made really
       nice fish and vegetables, and we all sat down to dinner together. Mac
       was gently kicking his sister under the table, mainly to ridicule my
       really bad dad jokes. The kids talked about Daisy's birthday, the
       following week. Mac told her: "I can't wait ... I'll take you out." We
       did the dishes and then Mac went into his bedroom. He seemed upbeat,
       really happy. That turns out to be a symptom, an indication that the
       person about to take his own life has made up his mind. He feels free.
        
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       My son was a victim of sextortion. I knew about it. He'd come to me
       and said: "Hey Dad, I've made a mistake." We talked about what he
       could do. He'd paid them $500 and then another $500 but still the
       threats came. He made a statement to police and when the scammer
       called again, he'd put me on and I'd pretended to be a police officer
       to warn them off. But the thought of his friends seeing the images
       he'd sent really rocked him. Nothing I said seemed to help, but then
       he appeared to be OK. I discovered later that the scammers had tried
       again two or three weeks after their first attempt.
        
       A few weeks after he died, I looked at his computer and iPad. It was
       clear he had been planning to take his own life for weeks. He wrote a
       note saying he was sorry, he was a burden. "Sorry. I just can't cope
       in this world any more."
        
       At Mac's funeral, there were 700 people. That's about as many as the
       number of suicides in Victoria in any one year. And it is hard to get
       help. Here, where I live in Frankston in outer suburban Melbourne,
       it's a five-week wait to get an appointment at Headspace. I could have
       taken Mac to a counsellor if I had any idea of the signs of suicide to
       come.
        
       And it's been hard for me to get help, too. Now I'm seeing a
       counsellor every week but I'm also counselling people who've reached
       out to me because other people need help. I'm trained now but I wasn't
       before.
        
        
        
        
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