[HN Gopher] Transcending My Father's Abuse ___________________________________________________________________ Transcending My Father's Abuse Author : exolymph Score : 23 points Date : 2023-05-06 19:42 UTC (3 hours ago) (HTM) web link (valspals.substack.com) (TXT) w3m dump (valspals.substack.com) | throwaway_abuse wrote: | This hit too close to home that I couldn't finish reading it in a | sitting. I had to walk around my apartment a couple of times | waiting to relax before coming back to my computer. | | I have blanks in my memories too, where my dad told me he hit me | (he apologized for it, like in OP). And I remember nothing after | "the triggering incident", like in OP. | | I also have very bad trust issues now, to the point where it is | hard for me to make friends if they insist on having opinions on | my life. Relationships have never worked for me, because it takes | me forever to open up. | | Childhood trauma sucks. Why people take their anger out on | innocent kids just trying to understand how the world works in | their own ways, is just beyond me. | | There's SOO many more positive and healthy ways to raise a child. | And realizing that now makes me genuinely teary eyed about all | the neural pathways in my brain that were formed or not formed as | a result of my parents decisions. | | But I'm kind of glad to see so many of my friends being awesome | parents, really caring for and listening to their kids. I'm | lowkey excited for the next generation, who will be much more | open about their thoughts and feelings, and probably more well | adjusted as humans. | | My pet hypothesis is this will also why the current/next | generation is much more open about sexuality / gender / identity, | and I expect this to get only more nuanced as science understands | more and as people learn to express more. But that's just | something I cooked up. Anyone else feel this way? | Waterluvian wrote: | I lost my mom in my late teens. My parents were wonderful. | Definitely _well_ above average. I owe them so much. | | Something that I've been discovering is that I have two sections | of blanks in my memory: the anguish of her being so sick for | years, and the times she lost her cool with me. | | Both sets of memories have been trickling back decades later. I'm | not sure what to share about it in particular, but in general it | has been a fascinating and oftentimes horrible sensation. To | suddenly have a memory activate for no apparent reason. | | I'm incredibly thankful that my wife is the person she is. I'll | randomly come into the room holding back tears and she | immediately knows what it is and what to do. | | I think it's important to speak these things aloud to help | further normalize our talking about them. | throwaway093821 wrote: | As someone who similarly has Asian parents that have gone through | their own trauma in life, this resonates with me. As a younger | child, my parents would hit us with clothes hangers, as this was | the only method of discipline that they knew at the time. I don't | feel like they realize or acknowledge the effects of that. | | While interactions nowadays are rarely negative, I've resolved to | cut of communication at some point in the future, after I've | alleviated my own guilt by "repaying" them monetarily for all | they've done in raising me. | | I get yelled at most days still, though. | | Most of the electronic devices I've owned over the years have | been broken by my dad smashing it after getting frustrated over | some aspect of schoolwork related to my usage of such devices. | Curiously, this seems to happen after he's had a few drinks. | inconceivable wrote: | i think several decades ago, a lot of people didn't really want | kids but had them anyway due to societal/family pressure. my | parents were immigrants so the pressure was probably double. | mentally both weak, and strong. a paradox. | | my dad used to hit me until one day i realized i was heavier than | him, and threw him onto the couch and raised my fist to hit him, | but didn't. he never tried again. | | my relationship with them is fine now (i'm middle aged) but i | still don't listen to a god damn thing they say about life | advice. quite frankly they don't know their ass from their elbow | about how america really works and less than zero about growing | up here. most immigrant parents don't, even though they pretend | to, for some insane reason. | | as for me i'm not having kids, and i don't really do long-term | monogamous relationships either (i date plenty). i'm sure my | parents are disappointed but quite frankly i don't give a shit. | dmbche wrote: | Thanks to the author for taking the time and effort to have a | very heartfelt and deep dive into their personal life - | especially on subjects this nuanced. | | Their comments on "hurt" rather than bad, and their feeling that | they couldn't fight back unless they became "dirty", or just as | bad as them, were especially resonant. | | Their comments about their dad living through the cultural | revolution made me remember the scene in the Three Body Problem | where Ye Wenjie confronts the three communist youths that had | killed her father many years after the revolution, and they | explain that their own suffering and how it brought along her | fathers death. | labrador wrote: | I have a similar father and while I never expect to get an | apology, I've found peace knowing it's about him and not me. I | stopped personalizing it. He's still trapped in the craziness of | the world and those who raised him, while I've found a way to | manage it so I am not similarly crazy. ___________________________________________________________________ (page generated 2023-05-06 23:00 UTC)