You are past the point of no return. The possibilities for salvaging the relationship are exhausted. The divorce is inevitable. How to move forward?

The key is to move forward. There is a future. It will be good or bad depending on the decisions and actions you take in the moment. Whatever you do, keep in mind that you should only do what helps and never do that which doesn’t help.

You once loved the person you are now divorcing. Somewhere down there it exists a basis of empathy. That basis can be used to create the best outcome possible for all parties involved. For you, your partner, your kids, your families and others. You will have the best future when the divorce is the least bad for all parties involved. With an outcome that only benefits you and hurts the others, your core empathy will get a beating and you will be hurt - even when you think you “won” the fight. Your integrity, empathy and mental state is more important than your things.

Before you do any of the points below, both of you should read this OnePageBook. Then you sit down and silently look at each other until you can do it comfortably for 10 minutes straight. Only then do you proceed with these points:

1.  Decide what you want to keep – relations to your kids and others, situations you value, things you own.
2.  Decide what must change – relations, situations and things. Accept that these will change. Decide what will be the future for those changes.
3.  Find out what your partner wants to keep – relations, situations and things.
4.  Find out what changes your partner accepts – relations, situations and things.
5.  Decide together with your partner that your kids’ needs have the highest priority.

Navigate 1-4 with 5 as the prime importance. You and your partner have some degree of control in the divorce. Your kids have no control of the situation. They are also more vulnerable. This is why their needs must be at center stage. Always.

Ensure that you and your partner are completely transparent on all points 1 through 5. There should be no hidden agendas, no covert “chess game”.

First let the kids understand that they are your top priority.

Then you get to work and negotiate the differences. Close the gap between your points 1 and 2 and your partner’s points 3 and 4. Spend time and resources negotiating between yourself rather than wasting money on lawyers. A lawyer should be the very last resort when you have exhausted all your skills of communication. Bringing in lawyers into the fold is a testament to your lack of communications skills.

Whenever discussions gets heated, stop discussing. Go for a walk, don’t think but instead look at your environment. Until your emotions simmer down. Then go back to negotiating. Rinse, repeat. Until all gaps are closed, sensible compromises are reached and your kids are kept as the top priority.

Keep your kids informed of the progress. Don’t let them worry about the gaps – because they cannot control those. Inform them of the positive results you have reached. Make them proud of you.

Get some clear agreements on how to share and handle the kids in the next few months. Practice being divorced and keep excellent communications with you ex. And keep the kids at center stage.

After the divorce is settled, keep away from making any big life decisions until you are cool, calm and collected.

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