Drive like a Rhode Islander

 

Every state likes to brag that they have the worst drivers. It’s like a point of perverse pride—especially in the Northeast—to claim that drivers in certain cities or counties are just the most inconsiderate, insane vehicular-homicidal maniacs in the world. The truth is, people in most states are pretty okay drivers. The one exception is Rhode Island.

Rhode Island has one speed limit—ramming speed. Stop lights are considered optional, and stop signs are better if ignored completely. Turn signals are considered a sign of weakness. State law allows a bag limit of three elderly pedestrians and one cyclist per season. Bus drivers and cabbies get most of their leisure reading done at work. The state flag actually shows a person texting while driving, and the state bird is a middle finger extended from a driver’s side window. No one in Rhode Island is ever followed, because following a crazy person is nigh impossible.

If you want to spot a car tail, pretend you’re in Rhode Island.


• Speed through yellow lights (or, better yet, stop on yellow and floor it the moment it turns red).

• If you must signal, signal the direction opposite your intended turn.

• Turn late, drive the wrong way down one-way streets, pull into underground parking lots, and just drive around for a while.

• Double-park, get out of your car, and walk around the block.

• Behave like a completely insane asshole.


Anyone who goes out of his way to mimic you is your tail.

Once you’ve spotted your tail, memorize the car, the license plate number, and, if possible, the face of the driver. A license plate number and Google can be a powerful weapon in your arsenal, but nothing beats knowing the face of one of the members of your surveillance team. Since you’re driving like a jerk anyway, take a picture of the guys following you—nothing makes a spy angrier than having his picture taken.

Once you’ve spotted your tail, the red-light trick, the one-way street trick, and parking garages with multiple exits can be powerful tools for losing them. Be ready for your drive to take a lot longer than you planned, however. Spotting and losing a tail takes time and patience.

A lot of these tactics can help you spot and lose a foot tail as well. Watch the opposite side of the street in the reflection of shop windows. Take unpredictable, circuitous routes, keeping a close eye on the faces of pedestrians around you. Ignore the obvious decoys—making an effort to lose those guys will alert your tail that you know you’re being followed. Sudden U-turns and unscheduled stops in local businesses can be helpful. Duck into places like biker bars and goth clubs, where your tail will stand out. Buy a ticket to a movie and leave the theater immediately through an emergency exit. Make a habit of remembering every face you see—the ones you see over and over again are possible tails.