CHAPTER 19

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, September 26th

East Central Colorado

Day 24

If I’ve been accurate with the tally marks I’m scratching on my cart, then today is our anniversary. Happy 15th, Jennifer. It’s a gloriously beautiful morning, which is fitting for what this date means to me. I want you to know that I didn’t forget our anniversary, and that my heart is with you, even if I’m not. I wish, with all of my energy, that I could be with you instead of stuck in the middle of Colorado, but it’s not meant to be. I hope you know you’re still the girl I dream about every night.

Writing’s not going to get me any closer to home, so I’m going to get on the road. If you read this, I want you to know that my first thoughts today were of you.

I love you Jenn!

 

Deer Creek, Montana

Spencer was playing with a bucket of Lego’s in his room, and with David off working at the farm and Emma attending her second week of community school, the house was quiet and peaceful. On most days, Jennifer tried not to dwell on Kyle’s absence, but today she planned on getting emotional. She needed to have a happy cry. Finding the photo album she wanted, Jennifer got comfortable on the couch and flipped the cover open.

She smiled as the faces of two happy, love-struck, young people beamed innocently from the first page of the album. The picture had been taken in the reception hall of her childhood church, a last minute change in plans when Mother Nature had decided that to interrupt their outdoor group photo session with a bone-rattling thunderstorm was more important than getting the group outside for pictures. Kyle, in his tuxedo, and Jennifer, in her wedding dress, were surrounded by both of their families and the wedding party, all crowded between dinner tables at the end of the narrow hall.

Lightning had struck nearby a half-second before the picture was taken, and the expressions on the faces of their loved ones had been so fresh and alive that the picture had been Jennifer’s favorite and ended up displayed at the front of the album. The thing she liked the most about the picture was that, despite every car alarm in the parking lot blaring outside and the bridesmaids being in full shriek, Kyle’s eyes were riveted to her like nothing else in the world existed, and the biggest, warmest, most in-love smile she’d ever seen on a man’s face was spread across his. In the early years of their marriage, when they’d had a disagreement or when Kyle hadn’t been as attentive as she’d have liked, she’d pull out the album and take a peek at this photo, just to remind her that he really did love her.

Jennifer flipped slowly through the rest of their wedding album before moving on to the other albums that crowded the bookshelf, reliving the nearly seventeen years since she’d first met Kyle. The first picture she had of Kyle was from her freshman English class, taken with a friend’s new digital camera to show her roommate the cute guy who kept asking her out. The photo, showing Kyle as he was about read a paper in front of the class, had been tacked up on her dorm room wall for the final two months of the semester. It would have been a perfect photo, had it not been for her purse strap blocking part of the shot as she’d attempted to conceal the camera. After taking the picture, Jennifer and her friend had laughed so hard they had distracted Kyle, ruining his concentration as he kept checking his zipper, probably costing him a letter grade.

Other albums were filled with memories of vacations, birthdays, kids’ sports, and school programs. Jennifer loved to look through her albums, but this was the first time she had opened them since Kyle had been gone. Every picture of him was another reminder of his absence, filling her heart with loneliness until it was saturated and overflowing.

Spencer walked into the room, noticed her tears, and came over and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, then headed back to his room to play. Jennifer choked out a teary “thank you” as he walked away, then opened up the last album.

The most recent photos she had printed were from this year’s Father’s Day camping trip and showed Kyle packing up their tent as they got ready to head home Sunday afternoon. His face was sunburned and mosquito bitten, and his elbow was bandaged from a fall the day before, but despite his injuries, he was still mugging for the camera, with Spencer clinging to his back while David chased Emma with a grass snake in the background. Jennifer lingered on this picture for a long time, reliving the weekend over and over in her memory and wondering if they would ever have another day like that again.

Jennifer stroked Kyle’s cheek in the photo, then closed the book and hugged it to her chest. “I believe in you, Kyle,” she whispered. “However long it takes, I’ll be here.”

The front door swung open and a book bag dropped loudly to the floor. Jennifer heard Emma’s voice calling out to her. “Mom, I’m home. What’s for lunch?”

 

Thursday, September 29th

Central Colorado

Day 27

Stopped early for the day. Stomach is not feeling good. Will try and get some extra rest and hopefully be off again in the morning. I’m on I-70, so lots of vehicles. Found a nice truck to stay in. The evenings are getting colder, so the shelter’s appreciated. Jennifer, I wish you were here to take care of me (I really wish I was there to take care of you). I hope this stomach bug isn’t too serious. I’ve been lucky with my health so far. I can see the mountains out the window, and they worry me.

 

I love you all.

 

 

Friday, September 30th

Deer Creek, Montana

Jennifer sat in the living room, the sun having set an hour before and the night now too dark for reading. The kids were in bed and asleep, their schedules having adjusted to follow the sun’s -- in bed at sundown and up at sunrise.

Tired from a long day of hauling water, canning with Grace next door, and teaching her assigned hours of school, Jennifer got up and headed for her bedroom. As she passed into the kitchen, there was a sharp knocking on the door, which made her jump. She stopped and stared at the door, her heart beating rapidly, not sure what to do. This was their first nighttime visitor since the event, and with no lights, the thought of opening the door scared her. After a second knock, she moved closer to the door and called out nervously. “Who is it?”

“It’s Chuck,” answered a voice.

Jennifer twisted the deadbolt and pulled the door open. “Chuck, is everything okay wi…,” she began, then realized it was Doug, not Chuck, standing in the darkness grinning at her. “Doug? What are you…you lied to me!” she fumed and tried to slam the door shut, but Doug blocked it with his foot. “What do you want?” she demanded as she pushed the door against his foot. “You know how I feel. Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

“Why don’t you like me?” Doug asked, ignoring her questions. “You’ve been alone for four weeks now.. I’m really sorry, Jenn, but your husband would be back by now, if he was coming.”

“Quit saying that!” she spat at him. “I don’t care what you think, Doug. And whether he’s coming back or not, I don’t want to be with you. Why can’t I get that through to you?” Jennifer could make out a smirk on Doug’s face, and could hear him breathing loudly. She tried to force the door closed again, but his foot was still blocking it. “Doug, my kids are asleep. Please go away.”

“Jennifer, I’ve been totally alone for four weeks. It’s almost been a month. Can you believe that? Our world’s been screwed up now for four full weeks, and we don’t even know how long it’s going to take to fix it. I was wondering, Jennifer, would you do me a favor?” His speech was slurred, and she could smell alcohol on his breath as he leaned in close to her in an attempt to whisper.

“What do you want, Doug?” she replied, no longer trying to force the door shut.
“Would you just give me a hug?”
“What?”

“I want a hug, some human contact. Do you have any idea at all how hard it is to be alone so much? I want to feel like someone cares about me.”

“What are you talking about? You’re drunk. Go home and sleep it off, before you do something stupid.”

“I’m not drunk…I was telling you, I’m alone. The girl I was dating, she lives on the other side of Missoula…I can’t call anyone…I don’t have kids to give me a goodnight kiss or a dog to sit beside me on the couch…I can’t even get online anymore. The only contact I have with people is at our stupid community meetings or when I walk around the town, and all that is is business. No one cares about me. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s just ‘Hi, Doug’, ‘Thanks, Doug’, ‘Goodbye, Doug’. There’s always a goodbye. I hate that word; they may as well be saying ‘get out of my life.’ Jennifer, it’s been more than four weeks since I’ve had physical contact with anyone, at least beyond a stupid handshake.”

“Why me, Doug? There has to be someone else.”

“There isn’t, and I like you. You’re nice, and you’re really pretty, and with your husband away…you know…I thought we could help each other out.”

Jennifer wanted to slam the door and be rid of him, but she knew she wasn’t strong enough to take him on, if it came to that, even if he was drunk. A part of her was touched by what he said. As much as she hated to admit it, she believed him. It had been a long time since she’d felt the feelings Doug was talking about, of having someone who cared about you, just because you were you. As much as she’d come to loathe Doug over the past couple of weeks, his words managed to stir her compassion. “If I give you a hug, will you go home and leave me alone?” She could feel her heart pounding and was sure Doug could hear it in the silence of the evening.

“That’s it. Just a hug. Then I’ll go home. I promise.”
Jennifer hesitated, then released her grip on the door. “Don’t come in my house,” she warned as she stepped forward.
Doug stepped away from the door to let her come outside.

For a brief moment, she thought about slamming the door, but worried about how he’d react to that in the coming days and weeks, let alone that night. Jennifer closed her eyes in resignation and stepped onto the front step.

“Thanks, Jennifer,” Doug said, sounding sincere.

Jennifer opened her arms, and Doug stepped towards her. “Remember, this is just a hug,” she reminded him. “Stop when I tell you to.”

Doug nodded and bent down, put his arms under hers, and squeezed her tight, lifting her up onto her toes and pulling her towards him. Jennifer’s arms draped limply over his shoulders, and she gave him a light squeeze in response.

In the cool night air, his warm breath down the back of her neck made her shudder, and the smell of alcohol on his breath, mixed with the days-old stench of body odor and sweaty clothes, nearly made her gag.

“Okay, Doug, that’s it,” she said after what seemed like minutes but was likely only a few seconds. Between his smells and her nerves, she struggled to maintain her composure. “I’m tired. I want to go in.”

He continued to hold her, choosing not to hear.
“Doug!” Jennifer said, her voice rising. “Doug, I’m done! I need to go in.”
He didn’t respond, just continued to embrace her. Jennifer put her hands on his shoulders and tried to push him away.
“Doug! That’s it! Let me go!”

There was still no reply. She felt his hips pressing against her stomach and could tell he was aroused. Doug turned and nuzzled her neck with his whiskery cheeks, then pressed his cold, fleshy lips against her skin. Jennifer pushed as hard as she could against his shoulders, trying to break free.

“Doug!” she shouted in desperation. “Stop it. Now!”

“Please, Jennifer,” Doug whispered. “Don’t make me stop. You don’t know how good this feels.” He pushed her backwards against the house, pinning her there with his body. His hands slid down from her back and began to massage the back of her thighs. Jennifer struggled against him but could barely breathe, she was pressed so tightly against the house. She struck Doug on his back with her fist, but it had no affect. Struggling, she fought to hold back the tears while he continued to trap her between the house and his body, massaging her with one hand and pinning her arm with the other.

“You feel so good,” he whispered, continuing to kiss her neck, then moving his lips roughly to her ear.

Jennifer stopped struggling and forced herself to calm down and breathe while she pushed against his shoulder with her free hand. She regained her composure while Doug continued to stroke her and kiss her neck passionately. When he didn’t feel any more resistance, Doug loosened his hold on her, and Jennifer, catching her breath, leaned her head in towards him. Aware of the change, Doug pulled his head back and looked at her quizzically, his eyes barely visible, but full of desire. Jennifer met his gaze and didn’t turn her head away, so Doug leaned in cautiously and kissed her lightly on the mouth. Jennifer hesitated for a long while, then gently kissed him back. With some excitement, Doug kissed harder, pressing his mouth firmly against hers, his breaths coming more rapidly. Releasing his grip on her arm, he moved his hands back to her body, found the bottom of her sweatshirt and slid his hands underneath. His fingers were cold and rough, and the feel of them against her skin made Jennifer flinch.

As he worked his hands steadily upward, Doug pushed his tongue against her lips, hoping for entry. Jennifer slowly parted them, and Doug excitedly pushed his tongue into her open mouth. He pressed hard against her, consumed with his lust. As his fingers fumbled to unclasp her bra, Jennifer bit down on his tongue as hard as she could.

Doug screamed and grabbed for his mouth, the new feeling an obvious contrast to the sensations that had been coursing through his body. He pulled away from her, and Jennifer brought her knee up, catching him squarely in the groin with a strength and accuracy that surprised even her. Doug collapsed to the ground, the wind rushing loudly from his lungs. Jennifer lunged for her door, spitting his blood from her mouth and wiping his vile saliva from her face.

Doug reached out and grabbed her ankle but was unable to hold on. She jerked her foot away from him and fell inside the house, kicking the door shut behind her, then scrambled to her knees and latched the deadbolt. She slumped with her back against the door, expecting to cry, but instead, it was an intense anger that found her, anger aimed at Doug for what he had done and at herself for being so easily manipulated. “Go away, Doug!” she shouted through the door. “Go away and don’t ever come back here again!”

Jennifer sat with her back against the door until she felt like she was in control of her emotions. She couldn’t tell if Doug had left, but it didn’t matter. With the aid of an old flashlight, its dim beam providing barely enough light to see by, she went down to the basement and straight to Kyle’s gun safe. She dialed the safe’s combination, her hands shaking so much it took her three times to get it open, then felt around inside until she found Kyle’s handgun and the ammunition for it. Returning back upstairs, she spent the remainder of the night on the floor in front of the door, the loaded gun at her side.