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Assemble Your Support Team

Look Beyond Family and Friends

Healing is a team effort, even if the relationship is only with you and the Divine.  I encourage you, however, to begin assembling a support team to help you through your journey.  Even the wisest of us can’t see past our own biases, so having people you can trust to support you is vital.  It would seem intuitive to lean on family and friends for support, but often they are not the right people to get you to where you want to go. 

By the time you’ve been suffering with pain for a while, your close family and friends may have already supported you in the best way they know how.  Sometimes, however, they can sabotage you.  Why would they do that?  Well, it’s not that they mean to, but if they are comfortable with who you are, they might not be comfortable with the new you as you embark on this healing journey.

More often than not, spouses are supportive of you when you’re in pain…to a point.  After a while, though, it starts to get old when you’re not getting any better.  It isn’t that they are bad people; it’s just that they want to see some improvement.  If supporting you has been stressful on them, they’ll hope for a reprieve at some point.  If that reprieve doesn’t look as if it’s coming, then they can develop resentment for having to take care of you for so long. 

Your close friends and family have a vested interest in your condition.  This can be a double-edge sword.  On the one hand, they really want you to get better and will certainly try to help you.  But on the other hand, they can easily get attached to a particular outcome and prevent you from making a choice that does not mesh with their preferences.  I’ll give you a painful example of how this can happen from my colleague’s holistic practice.

A man consulted my colleague, Dr. Joan, because of a growth on his shoulder.  The growth was thought to be malignant and the surgeon advised the patient to undergo radical surgery to have most of his shoulder removed.  His family obviously didn’t want him to die so they urged him to get the surgery.  He, on the other hand, really wanted to try other options so he consulted with my Dr. Joan and asked her to do laser therapy.  In addition to using laser therapy, she was intuitively guided to use a new energy tool to treat the tumor.  Much to her surprise, the tumor regressed.  At that point the treatments stopped and my colleague felt that this man had experienced a miraculous healing. 

She didn’t hear from him for quite a while, but he returned months later because of shoulder pain.  When he took off his jacket, she realized with dismay that the man had undergone radical surgery despite having no visible tumor.  When she asked him why he had undergone the surgery which left him scarred and in chronic pain, he told her that his family had put a lot of pressure on him to do it and so he finally acquiesced.  Regret is too mild a word to describe what this man was feeling when he realized he did this only to placate his anxious family. 

 

Secondary Gain

Sometimes our family members unknowingly perpetuate our chronic pain and disability.  If we are suffering, it would seem unsympathetic for our family members to expect too much of us, right?  They might even treat us with greater patience or kindness.  This reaction from our loved ones can promote an unconscious desire in us to stay disabled.  Among medical professionals, this is what we call secondary gain.  It’s not a pretty scenario to admit to, but all of us have practiced some form of secondary gain, even as children, just to get what we want.  And what we all want most is to feel happy and loved.

I experienced this secondary gain personally when I was on a family vacation at Disney World.  My parents and I had been arguing early in the trip.  I felt criticized for my career and relationship choices and felt their intense worry projected onto me.  Half way through the vacation, I suddenly experienced terrible leg pains which then developed into fever, nausea, and vomiting. 

As soon as I became visibly ill, all the criticism stopped.  Both parents shifted into caregiver-mode and took extra effort to be nice to me.  As I knelt next to the toilet waiting for the next wave of nausea to clear, it dawned on me that I got sick in order to stop the criticism!  Because I had felt attacked on an emotional level and could not stand up for myself, my subconscious mind had to create an illness in order to stop the perceived attack.   When I realized what had happened, I vowed to take better care of my emotional boundaries so that I would not have to develop illness in order to generate loving behavior from my family.

Close family and friends are comfortable with the “you” they already know.  If you begin to change for your own good, sometimes they are receptive and sometimes they are not.  You could be crowned the greatest chef on earth, but still be criticized by the people closest to you because they still see you as the inept teenager who burnt the toast. 

When you change, don’t expect your close family to applaud the change, especially when that change directly affects them.  For example, if part of your healing is learning to set better boundaries and to say no to things that don’t resonate with you, don’t be surprised if you encounter resistance.  If you’ve always been a people pleaser, the people around you have enjoyed this part of you and have no vested interest in your developing healthier boundaries. 

A perfect illustration of the concepts I’ve presented here is the movie, Heidi.  Heidi is a classic film (remade in 1993) about an orphan from the Austrian Alps whose natural zest for life gets sucked out of her when she is forced to live in the city to be a companion to a rich, spoiled city girl named Klara.  Klara is confined to a wheelchair.   When you watch this movie, pay close attention to the reaction of Klara’s loved ones when she attempts to free herself from her wheelchair-bound existence after she becomes healed in the Alps.  As her companion, Heidi likewise struggles through darkness while living with energy vampires.  Fortunately she is able to reclaim her power so that her inner light shines again.  Heidi is you. 

 

Attracting Healthy Support

In order to create a healthy support team, you’ll want to have people on that team who do not have a vested interest in your success (or lack of success).  At least one member of your support team should be a trusted healthcare professional.  This person should be someone who respects your choices, even if he or she doesn’t agree with you one hundred percent.  There is no sense in going to your doctor if she is going to belittle your ideas or get angry at you for not following her advice. 

If you have a doctor who is very open to alternative therapies, however, you may wish to keep this person on your support team.  Most importantly, the health care professional you choose needs to have faith that you can heal.  Remember, what he believes is at least as important as what you believe (see Mind section).  One of the things I think I do best for my patients is that I can visualize them healthy and happy, even if they can’t do that for themselves.  I believe in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves.  I have faith in them.  You want someone like that on your team.

If you don’t have a holistic physician whom you can count on as one of your support team members, you can still enlist the support of other types of healers such as Reiki healers, acupuncturists, holistic chiropractors, holistic nutritionists, massage therapists, psychologists, etc.  When choosing health care professionals, a really great way to tell whether you should include them on your team is by observing the following:

         Do they walk their talk? 
         Do they take their own advice?
         Do they demonstrate a habit of life-long learning?
         Are they committed to their own personal transformation/journey?
         Can they accept your choices without criticism or judgment?
         Do they accept you for who you are?
         Are they open?
         Are they vulnerable?  Soft?  Compassionate?

 

In addition to having team members who have dedicated their lives to supporting health and healing, I highly suggest that you hire a coach.  This can be a life coach, a success coach or a health coach.  Coaches, unlike friends, are supposed to hold you accountable to your own goals.  They encourage and inspire you without dictating or controlling.  Coaches help you feel that you can solve your own problems, giving you the tools to help yourself.  Most great coaches have their own coaches!  That is one way to tell that a coach is committed to her own growth.  All the attributes of a good healing professional also apply to a coach.  You may have to interview a number of coaches until you “gel” or resonate with one.  Sometimes your health care professional can also act like your coach.  The difference is one of accountability.  A coach holds you accountable to what you say you want.  A healing professional doesn’t necessarily do that unless you ask him to.

 

Developing a Tribe

Often we grow out of our original “tribe” that we grew up in.  That tribe consists of our parents, siblings, school friends etc.  As we develop and mature, our needs change and we need the support of people who think like us, who believe in the same things we do, and who believe in us.  We thrive much better when we realize we’re not alone and that there are others who like us for who we are.  Members of our new tribe encourage us to grow and change.  When you can give up expecting your friends and family to give you the support you need, you will have taken a great step toward empowerment.  You can attract a new tribe of people who will support your goals and your growth.  It doesn’t mean that you no longer love your family and friends.  Instead, it means that you accept them for who they are without trying to change them into who you want them to be. 

In order to attract a tribe of people who resonate with you, you need to know yourself and what you need.  I highly recommend taking some quiet time to determine what the qualities are of the tribe that you wish to attract.  Maybe you already have a few friends and colleagues who are already in your new tribe.  Rarely is your new tribe made up of family members, but it isn’t impossible.  Take out a journal and jot down your wish list for your tribe.  I’ll give you an example of mine so you can get some ideas for your own list.  My tribe consists of people who:

         are dedicated to personal growth and higher consciousness
         consciously work the law of attraction in their lives
         are compassionate and loving
         are into natural health and wellness
         are interested in the field of energy medicine
         see value in intuition in health and healing
         want to change the world by enhancing other people’s lives
         believe in empowerment
         enact great change through love and tolerance rather than through anger and violence
         believe we are connected; we are all One
         are connected to the Divine in their thoughts and actions
         are healing the world through expanding their consciousness
         love to learn new things
         are willing to go out of their comfort zone
         will support me without judgment
         give me honest compassionate feedback
         believe in me and in what I wish to accomplish
         accept and respect who I am
         dream big, just like me
         are willing to do what no one else has done before
         can be vulnerable and authentic
         don’t let fear get in the way of their dreams
         support healthy boundaries

 

Now it’s your turn.  Who do you want to have on your support team?  What do you need from them?  What can you give them in return?  My mom once said that she disagreed with the term “fair-weather friends”, i.e. people who stick around you only when you’re successful.  In contrast she believes that it is easier for friends to support you when you’re down and out (“misery loves company”).  False friends, she says, tend to get envious or jealous of you when you’re too successful.  She believes that true friends will be happy for you even if you are more successful than they are.

So your tribe members should consist of people who will be thrilled with your success rather than feeling competitive with it.  Inspiration is good.  Competition isn’t.  You’ll want to choose a few team members who have already been where you want to go.  If someone has naturally healed from the same condition you currently have, you may wish to seek his support. 

 

Where to Find Your Team

Thanks to the internet, finding your new tribe is easier than ever.  Solid, deep relationships have been forged over the “net” through social media such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest and Twitter.  You’d be amazed at how many groups and pages on Facebook are holistic health related.  You can even use the search engines to find groups who resonate with you.  For example, you can go to www.meetup.com and search for groups in your area that are interested in similar things such as “natural health”.  If there isn’t one in your area, maybe you can spearhead one.  You can LIKE my Facebook page, for example and see who else is following my page.

Learn from other holistic-minded teachers by going to their websites and social media pages to connect with their fans.  Most teachers have free webinars or teleseminars that you can attend.  If you get on their mailing list, you’ll receive valuable information including invitations to these events where you’ll “meet” other like-minded individuals. 

Knowing that you’re not alone and that there are others like you can be wonderful and empowering.  By assembling your support team, even if you haven’t yet met some of them in person, you’ll enjoy greater success in your healing journey. 

 

Chapter Summary:

         Having the right kind of support is vital and part of your healing process
         Friends and family may not be able to give appropriate support because they are too attached to the outcome
         Be aware of secondary gain whereby you unconsciously continue manifesting chronic pain just to get attention or to get treated well
         Choose a healthcare provider who believes you can heal
         Being open to attracting your new “tribe” to support you is an important step in your healing
         Actively searching for your tribe either in your community or online helps you appreciate that you’re not alone in your journey