It feels like my energy is slowly
coming back to me. It feels good. 
I've stopped drinking coffee for
a couple days, and I'm slowly getting
in the rhythm of only green tea. 
It's not the same rush, but I 
don't get the down in the afternoon,
which is welcomed. With my sexual
abstinence,  I feel I have more
energy throughout the day. 

Although my mind is still scattered, 
and I have a hard time focusing, 
there is a general well-being
which helps me keep my shit together. 

The practice of asking 'Is this
a dream' each time I have sexual
tough is really helpful. This 
is where everything starts, in
my mind, and if I leave my mind 
creating and wandering about, 
then of course my energy will 
leak all over. I don't start
to fantasize anymore, it 
simply stops and I can continue
with my day. 

I've just heard about the term
spirit spouse. I've always been
aware of some sort of entity that
is 'with' me. An entity that I 
feed from my perversion. I am 
unsure if this is just 'addiction'
to a certain way of thinking, 
or some sort of persona that
I've created, or some sort 
of entity, or a spirit? It
doesn't really matter what 
it is,  as I don't have a strong
belief one way or another, but
I do feel this presence. I
wonder how to interact with it. 

In Christian religion a 
spirit spouse is something
you have to get rid of to 
liberate yourself. I feel 
that in shamanism, you would
probably create a pact with 
that spirit spouse, and gain
power from it. I am not sure
what I want to do with mine. 
I tend to not want to get 
rid of things, but rather 
understand and see if it can
be useful or it's only a past
element of myself that I need to
break apart and move on. 

I haven't had much dream lately, 
or at the least I haven't remembered
much. But I have been having very 
good sleep. I've setup my bed in
the Teepee, but I am not yet
ready to sleep there. I hope
I'll make it over there, I'm 
somewhat scared of the experience. 

One more month with my ex-wife
living in the same house. Even
if I am looking forward to be 
fully separated, I'll miss her
a lot. It will be quite the 
lonesome life to be here by
myself. I want to get back 
into everything I was doing, 
from online yoga classes, to
Butoh dance and other training. 
Karate as much as I can, theatre,
meditation, fiddle and maybe more
music. I might get back into 
continuing a regular class of
piano. I was getting pretty good
a couple years ago, now I'll have
more time. It's crazy to think
that I'll be half the time 
completely alone, and half the 
time my daughter will be with
me, but still goes to school
5 days a week, for most of 
the day. Meaning that I'll be
with her for only a few hours 
a week with her. 

What will I do with all that 
time, in the middle of nowhere,
in a big house all by myself?

I've been getting back into 
more music practice and more 
yoga. I really hope to get back
into more regular practices, and
I don't see how I wouldn't. 
With the Old Computer Challenge 
that I participated in, I've 
reduce a lot of my 'entertainment' 
time in front of a computer 
drastically. I don't see myself 
going back to watching tv shows 
and movies a lot when I'll be 
alone. I like to watch tv with
someone else. By myself it feels
a bit pathetic really. 

My perfect schedule would 
include 1 hours of physical
yoga and training, rope skipping, 
push up, asana etc. 1 hour of
music practice, fiddle, drumming, 
piano and synth. 1 hour of writing
and drawing, and the rest of 
the time for food and work. 
Clean up will be really minimal 
with only me in the house. 

We'll see, I'm scared, sad, but 
also excited to see what will come
out of the next few months.