(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Hi, new to the community [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.', 'Backgroundurl Avatar_Large', 'Nickname', 'Joined', 'Created_At', 'Story Count', 'N_Stories', 'Comment Count', 'N_Comments', 'Popular Tags'] Date: 2023-01-21 You can bring a horse to water but can't make them drink This diary is my first and it is heavy but they won’t all be that, I promise. Sometimes the first has the most to say like ripping off the band-aid or opening a flood gate but after the seal is broken it can level out. It starts here. You can really get use to being gaslit if the person who is doing it is someone you love. (Taylor Swift Anti-Hero plays in my mind as I write from my heart). I have been a member of this community for a some time but here is why you don’t know me… This was the day I would not silence myself anymore. What took me so long? Everyone looks at someone like me and judges me for staying as if I had a choice. Couldn’t the partner be better to begin with? For those who suffer domestic violence, emotional torture, mental anguish I have to face the fact that I have to raise my hand and say I am one of those statistics too now. “His behavior is my fault,” I’m told. “By telling you the reader my story I am destroying him,” I’m told. “He has to lie to me because I won’t like the truth,” I’m told. “He is rewarded at work for being the way he is and he doesn’t want to lose what he has worked so hard to gain in his career,” I’m told. I have gotten so used to being scared I feel numb. I dream of a day when I can cry and not worry how it will be worse for me. When I tell him that it hurt and he smirks, smiles or laughs at me has made it hard for me to trust when someone smiles. I rarely smile anymore. But if he was a good person and, honestly, I would be fine with decent partner at my age, my truth would not be so scary. Never did I expect to have someone I love wail on me while I was driving, or kick me in the middle of the night for asking questions to understand him better, or hear vile statements about how fat I was, how I was a loser, how he can take away the car or access to bank accounts and lock me out of the house if I keep standing up for myself. I never could stop standing up for myself. It was my fault that he had to hit me, I was told. Want to know what I said that made him lose control and remind me never to do it again? It’s good one. I deserve the beating and the torn rotator cuff for it. I said, “You are better than how your job treats you and I wish that they saw that.” This phase was too offensive. He values his community at work so much more and the truth he had to face that day, was that his job was not all that. His rage outbursts at me continued to be the thing that kept me quiet. Now I just stopped caring about how he feels that I have gotten away. My torn rotator cuff from blocking the wailing punches reminds me of that day every time I dress in the morning and every time I get ready for bed or driving when he was sitting in the passenger seat. I am always going to hold the steering wheel tighter so that he can’t ever yank the wheel to try to drive me off the road that one day. I should be vigilant of my surroundings anyways. Keeps me a better driver. Breathe. I tell myself to just breathe. Find the beauty in the world, you will be okay. It’s only temporary. Nothing ever lasts. The smallest grain of truth can bring sunshine to the dark and I am looking for healing so I can let the anguish go. I look out at others and see how their voices are strong and confident and know I will get back there one day. I hope that if you are reading this you are nurtured by your loving partner and that those partners want to see you thrive and know not all partners turn into this. Not all partners struggle with insecurities, envy, or the lack of emotional depth. This one does. If you could be better, and you don’t know why, you could learn. Period. I’m sure this experience I’ve had has made me stronger as he mentioned before that I am too weak emotionally and he needs to toughen me up. I can’t breathe. Have you ever looked at flowers with a different perspective because they have only ever appeared along side the impact of pain? I can’t cry. I can’t see a way out. Diane picks up my call to tell me it’s going to be okay and she wants me to live. Thank you Diane. I don’t know you and hope to never call to hear a Diane again but knowing that you are rooting for me helps to make it a little easier. I can’t let my little son know. He will worry and say something. But he is too little. I am so sorry my darling. I know you can tell something is wrong but please just believe me that “everything is okay” so I can protect you from what I know. Go back to bed, Mama loves you. For the love of my son, I will take the brutality of this man’s words, this man’s withholding, this man’s knowledge I need a hug, this man’s charisma that draws me in close because I’m starved of intimacy. I know I can heal but my son may not. It ends with me. For the love of my son, I will take the pain of being the problem in this man’s life. For the love of my son, I am writing this to get back home to myself. Nothing last forever. I will come back to myself. I have never lost home. I have suffered in silence because if you met this man, you would love him too for his powerful words and his sincerity. He is talented and smart and known for his heart and kindness. Maybe all that fighting out there in the world exhausted him so much he just couldn’t be decent at home. Who knows. A stranger means more to him. He will invest loads of time making sure that stranger thinks well of him, while I watch and wait for the day to know that person. The idea of Hope was the weapon of choice. To glorify tomorrow would release him from his accountability today because today was filled with excuses to paralyze me mentally, emotionally and financially and make me wait, and wait, and wait and wait and wait. By effectively reducing my expectations to accept below the level of just being decent would provide an effective method that I would crave the crumbs of kindness he would offer me. It would be the morsel that is just enough to nurture my hungry soul and also remind me that the man others know is the one I will never meet. When it matters, make it count. Each day love the people around you. It doesn’t take that much to be kind. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233. Help is available. Speak with someone today, it might be your day too and I encourage you to write your story. SAMHSA’s National Mental Health Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/1/21/2148399/-Hi-new-to-the-community Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/