(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Kitchen Table Kibitzing: Relapsing [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.', 'Backgroundurl Avatar_Large', 'Nickname', 'Joined', 'Created_At', 'Story Count', 'N_Stories', 'Comment Count', 'N_Comments', 'Popular Tags'] Date: 2023-02-09 My dearest friend “S” has relapsed. She’s drinking again. She started a pet sit last Thursday and when I spoke to her that night she was really upset about being there. Said she felt isolated and just wanted to sleep in her own bed. When we spoke Friday she told me she had contracted Covid. I thought at the time that her voice sounded as if she had been drinking. She said she felt too poorly to stay on the phone and that she’d call me back. I told her to let me know if she needed me to drop off some food or other things. She stopped answering my phone calls and texts and by Monday I was relatively certain that she had slipped. She finally texted back Tuesday afternoon and said she’d call me in a little while. That an appointment with her pdoc had gone really poorly. When she called, her voice was slurred and she couldn’t carry on a linear conversation. She let slip that the doctor had told her she should check into a rehab facility but that’s as close as we got to talking about what was really going on. She suggested the doctor was suggesting rehab because she was experiencing intense anxiety and that the doctor had refused to refill her ativan prescription. She couldn’t keep her story straight. “S’s” battle with alcohol has really impacted her health. She has neuropathy in both her legs, and problems with her memory, digestion and her immune system. She turned 71 on Monday and has battled alcoholism (which runs in her family) her entire life. Over the last ten years, the longest period of sobriety she has strung together is 1 ½ years. The last time she went out her boyfriend of 30 years called it quits and refused to let her move back in the house when she was released from treatment. She’s been living in a rented room in the house of a deranged hoarder and living off her social security checks and money she brings in from pet sits. She has not made any effort to see if she can secure some settlement from her ex for the dissolution of their common-law marriage, although many professionals she has spoken with have urged her to hook up with an attorney. I don’t know what to do. I thought about volunteering to take her to a detox center, but if she has Covid I don’t want to be with her until she tests negative. And I feel so selfish about that because she is in crisis (though she’s not at the point where she is reaching out desperate for help yet). It’s pretty obvious she’s not taking precautions because she is going out and buying the alcohol. She goes back tonight to the house where she is renting a room and I’m not sure if the owner will allow her to stay if she’s drinking. He’s in the program and has 20 years so I don’t know how he’s going to handle her. I’ve been around S when she is drinking and it gets really ugly really fast. She is not a good drunk. So I am sad and disappointed and frightened that she might not have another rebound left in her. That this might be it for her. I did some research this morning about what one should do when a loved one relapses. According to Good RX, reach out to them once you have a plan of how you want the conversation to go. Find an appropriate place and time. Timing is important when it comes to these conversations. Find a space that is private and a time when your loved one is calm. Express your concerns with empathy and compassion. Explain why you are concerned about them. Avoid getting angry or raising your voice. Keep the conversation focused on the topic at hand and your concerns. For example, you might say, “It seems like you’ve been very withdrawn lately. I’m concerned that you might be using again.” Offer to help. Let your loved one know that treatment is available and offer to help them find a rehab or provider. If they refuse, be patient. You cannot force them to go to rehab. And pushing them too hard may make them more defensive. Let them know that you respect their wishes and are there to help if they change their mind. Listen. Be sure to listen to the person rather than dominate the conversation. Give them an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings. This is probably the 5th or 6th relapse I am going through with S. Common parlance in the recovery community is that sometimes you have to reach your bottom before you finally get it. I don’t recall how many times over the past 1 ½ years of sobriety when she has said she really felt like she wanted to drink but knew that she wouldn’t come back from it if she drank again. That she had reached her bottom. Since she has moved in with the hoarder, I don’t even know where her house is. There’s no way I can drive over to talk to her, try to convince her to go into detox. I don’t have the name or number of the man she is living with. I just have to hope that he will allow her to stay in her room until she is no longer contagious and that she will reach out to me then. Anyway, I just had to vent. As usual this is an open thread. 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