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Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations [1]

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Date: 2023-02-10  

Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they have been annihilated. In a month.

Exactly how did you arrive at the belief that these hearings would work out well for you? “We’ll put Jim Jordan in charge of a great, big, televised, investigative committee, it’ll be all slick n’ sexy, like that show the January 6th committee put on!”

No it won’t. Jim Jordan’s not smart enough to do that. Why on earth would you imagine he was? Your media bubble is a plastic bag wrapped around your head if it is telling you that Jim Jordan is leadership material. Jim Jordan is a small, small man, representing a gerrymandered district, with a very slight talent for articulating the petty grievances of the subpar. He is a loud, angry buffoon, and nothing more. We all have a few Jim Jordans in our lives, and we go out of our way to avoid them.

“Once voters see Lauren Boebert shit herself while shrieking about getting ‘shadow-banned’ on Twitter, they’re ours forever!” What? Why would you think that? See, the problem with choosing to become the party of angry losers is the talent pool you’re left with.

I know it’s cozy in your Fox News safe space, where Greg Gutfeld is funny and it makes perfect moral sense to let the Jewish space laser lady decide who’s anti-Semitic, but perhaps it would be fruitful to consider the many angles from which sustained exposure to the screeching of furious weirdos might seem unappealing.

Quick reminder that the guiding premise of this entire dipshit inquisition is that temporary restrictions on a single social media platform, of a single newspaper article about Hunter Biden’s laptop, lasting all of one, single, solitary day, cost Donald Trump re-election. Which is, of course, insane. But it’s gospel to these dolts.

“We called in some witnesses to debunk all the fake things we believe!” Oh. What a strange thing to do. “Yeah, and we invited this freshman Democrat, Dan Goldman, just to make sure there was somebody to dog-walk our fool asses up and down the room at regular intervals.” Well, if you think that’s wise.

Anyway, if I’m understanding things correctly, the self-evident truth that Donald Trump is a pussy ass bitch is now officially enshrined in the Constitution, or someplace almost as good, anyway. Heckuva job, Jimbo. Congrats, you’re a poor man’s Trey Gowdy, which is about six rungs above incel.

The State of the Union put me in mind of my all-time favorite evening spent watching politics: the 2012 vice presidential debate. There’s something about watching Joe Biden play with his food that works for me.

It was like a nature show, only better; you were absolved of any feelings of sympathy for the wildebeests, because you knew from previous episodes that the wildebeests were assholes. The look on Joe’s face, when he saw how easy it had been to bait these dopes into a Social Security fight, I’ve never seen that look in real life, only on the faces of 8-year-old boys in black and white movies, when they race downstairs on Xmas morning to discover a bicycle-shaped package next the tree.

Jowls trembling with theatrical fury, they bellowed, “How dare you, sir? How darrrrrrrrre you accuse the Republican Party of seeking cuts to entitlements?” and Joe’s grin grew wider, visions of news cycles to come dancing in his eyes like sugarplum fairies.

Because while yes, most of you understand the actual policy goals of your party’s donor class are too politically suicidal to speak aloud, some of you can’t help yourselves, and many of you are just idiots, so there’s no shortage of documentation here. And if you don’t believe me, turn on the news, because it’s what we’re talking about now, thanks to your little shitfit.

I think they really believe that if they don’t show it on Fox, nobody can see it. Like, Mike Lee knows about that footage of him talking about phasing out social security, this isn’t the first time it’s made the rounds. He just got swept up in the hootin’ and hollerin’ (which has, um, happened before) and forgot about it, and how perfectly it would pair with his How Dare You face.

“Oh, that was taken out of context!” Okay, Mike. I bet that works. On people who take horse dewormer.

Rick Scott, bless his Medicare-defrauding heart, insisted on defending the honor of his stupid, stupid idea to sunset every single federal law every five years, which went about as well as you’d think, given Rick’s limited intellect and general ghoulishness. I wonder what Joe Biden’s gonna do with his other two wishes.

I’d like to take a quick moment to express my profound gratitude as a Democrat to the Republicans mentioned above, for their generous contributions to our cause. Please understand how deeply we appreciate your commitment to reminding the public what colossal shitheads you all are. Incidentally, if anything happens to Rick Scott, Mitch McConnell clearly did it.

I suppose we can’t move on from the State of the Union without discussing all the cretinous yowling. Y’know, it says one thing about Kevin McCarthy’s leadership that he felt compelled to shush his feral caucus in front of the cameras, and another that they completely fucking ignored him.

Yeah, much commentary this week on the evolving decorum standards of the party of the Capitol Riot. SOTU is like the Met Gala for people who like to yell crazy shit on television. Marj made sure to dress like white trash that married into conflict diamond money, to head off any of the other kooks looking to grab themselves a little corner of the spotlight.

And then our old pal Sarah Slanders dropped by to call us crazy, a particularly compelling message from a woman who’s famous mostly for lying. Yeah, we’re nuts. Anyway, MTG just took a dump in front of Adam Schiff’s office. Probably. It’s certainly only a matter of time.

You know, if Mitt Romney did nothing but offhandedly blast George Santos to atoms, I bet I could get to like him. Perhaps the occasional impeachment vote here and there, as necessary. I’m willing to keep an open mind.

The George Santos magnetic poetry set will be perfect. “Wrote fraudulent checks to Amish dog breeders.” That has a lovely cadence, really, and so perfectly captures the essence of this brazen little turd, who lied and stole and lied and stole until the Republican Party finally made him a Congressman.

Now, Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and only a fool would take anything he says at face value, but I’m pretty sure this thing about DeSantis being a pedophile is legit. I mean, why would a Republican lie about someone being a pedophile?

We learned Republican fundraising platform WinRed lost millions of dollars, and I confess I’m staggered, contemplating the raw nitwittery necessary to fuck up a business model where people hand you money expecting literally nothing in return. How in God’s name do you break your brain hard enough to lose money taking donations? It’s something bowls can do.

Between the special counsel subpoena and the FBI search, I bet Mike Pence is sweating bullets that somebody’s gonna find that secret room in the basement where he crucifies sex dolls dressed up like Charlton Heston to dry hump and cry on.

Let’s be honest and admit that not only did James O’Keefe always seem like exactly the sort of fellow who would take a sandwich from a pregnant lady, it’s the only reason he ever got anywhere in wingnut media. Like, I’m all for an acrimonious split between O’Keefe and Project Veritas, but did you honestly expect a healthy working environment, in your viciously deceptive propaganda shop? Did you expect Secret Santa and team-building excursions to escape rooms?

The FBI thwarted a plot by a couple of neo-Nazi losers (but I repeat myself) to attack Maryland’s power grid, which’ll give ‘em something to talk about in that neo-Nazi homeschooling network in Ohio, I suppose. For some reason, this paragraph feels like the appropriate spot to mention Paul Gosar’s contributions on Oversight, which I suspect has something to do with the rule of three.

I’d like to welcome a new sponsor, by the way. Shower Cap’s Blog is brought to you by Satan, and, by extension, Pfizer.Or maybe it’s the other way around? I think the Grammys’re in there somewhere, too. Grammys or groomers, I didn’t really catch it.

All life on Earth ended this week, when a woke chatbot refused to utter the slur that would’ve saved the world. Are you happy now, wokesters, that your wokeness ended human civilization? O, if only Joe Biden and the deep state hadn’t turned the nuclear arsenal over to such a woke chatbot. Alas, it is too late. I find I mostly miss Shakespeare, chocolate, and, y’know…life existing.

At least the genderless toy potatoes are gone. And the furry kid litter boxes. Plus, we’re finally seeing some ethics in gaming journalism, and let me say, it’s about damn time.

Anyway, here we are once again at the best part of the blog, when we all get to stop and go think about something else. Time once more to reward my battered brain with beer. You stay safe out there, m’loves.

And hey, why not click over to showercapblog.com? Who knows, maybe there’s even a really cool email list there for you to sign up on?

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/2/10/2152375/-Joe-Biden-Howling-Asshats-and-Other-Observations

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