(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Bigly Indictment FRIDAY! [1] ['Backgroundurl Avatar_Large', 'Nickname', 'Joined', 'Created_At', 'Story Count', 'N_Stories', 'Comment Count', 'N_Comments', 'Popular Tags', 'Showtags Popular_Tags'] Date: 2023-03-31 You are now below the fold. That’s what ya get for buying discount gravity boots. Guest host John Leguizamo: There was another school shooting, this time in Nashville, Tennessee where six people were killed including three children. Like all of you, I'm sick to death of this, and I want to know what our representatives plan to do about it. If you ask this representative from Tennessee, he plans to do jack shit about it... Clip of Rep. Tim Burchette (R-TN): We're not gonna fix it. Criminals are gonna be criminals. My daddy fought in World War II…and he said, 'Son, if somebody wants to take you out, and they don’t mind losing their life, there's not a whole heckuva lot you can do about it. John Leguizamo: That's the best you have to offer? You're a congressman! If you don’t have any ideas for how to keep our kids safe, get the fuck out of the way and go work at a Pinkberry or some shit. And no disrespect to his father, but if going to school in America feels like fighting in World War II, that should be a sign that things are seriously fucked up in America. —The Daily Show - x Congrats to Donald Trump on finally winning a majority of votes! https://t.co/ezP55HZgl0 — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 30, 2023 - "Former president Donald Trump held a campaign rally Saturday in Waco, Texas, making him the first cult leader ever to escape that city alive." —Seth Meyers “Congratulations, sir! Who among us has not longed for the day in which we can claim victory in the acclaimed CatTurd2 presidential poll? Y’know, CatTurd2 does really seem to appeal to Trump in a visceral way, and I will note that Mike Pence is almost certainly not coming back as Trump’s running mate. I know it doesn’t totally roll off the tongue, but the t-shirts would be incredible, right? 'Vote Trump-CatTurd2, for a Fresh Step! Scoop away your worries! Now with less clumping!' ” —Rachel Maddow, after Trump promoted as real a worthless Twitter poll conducted by Elon Musk’s favorite MAGA troll 'catturd2' "Just as there are no atheists in foxholes, it appears when there is a bank crash there are no libertarians in Silicon Valley." —Senate Banking Committee Chair Sherrod Brown (D-OH) And now, our feature presentation... - Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 31, 2023 Note: April fool!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha, We got ya. April Fool isn’t until tomorrow. You’ve been so owned, we can’t believe you fell for it. Also while you were napping we put creamed corn in your shorts. —Highest Echelon of C&J Mgt. - By the Numbers: 8 days!!! Days 'til voting ends in the Wisconsin state Supreme Court election: 4 Days 'til the 56th Northern California Cherry Blossom Festival in San Francisco: 8 Chronological rank of North Carolina among states to expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act: #40 Number of adults in Florida and Texas who lack health insurance as a result of Republicans not expanding Medicaid in their state: 3.5 million Year by which 1 in 4 people in the world will live on the African continent: 2050 Increase in profits last quarter by Cal-Maine Foods, the largest egg producer in the United States, and no, this is not a typo: 718% Babe Ruth's highest salary (1931-32): $80,000 - Puppy Pic of the Day: The coronation will be televised… - CHEERS to a bit of perspective. As if Trump’s indictment (34 counts!) wasn’t enough, tongues are a' waggin' now that his money guy Allen Weisselberg has fired his Trump crime family lawyers from his prison cell on Rikers Island. The prevailing opinion among people smarter than me is that he's likely planning to flip on his old boss and spill the beans on even more crimey business. And why would he do that, you ask? I'm not positive, but I think a convicted criminal who has experience with rackets of all kinds, former tennis great Boris Becker, might offer us a clue: “You only appreciate freedom once you’ve been incarcerated, let me tell you. It’s a different lifestyle, it’s a different world. I’ve been out now for over three months and I’m happy to be here alive and speaking to you. A mobster’s money guy straight out of Central Casting. “Prison life is a very dangerous place. I watched a couple of movies beforehand just to prepare myself a little bit, but I didn’t expect it like that. It’s very scary. It’s a real punishment. I mean, prison’s supposed to be that, but it’s a real punishment taking away your freedom, your livelihood." Somebody fetch Allen his dentures and a tape recorder. I think he's got something to say. JEERS to jumping the tracks. I wish that was some kind of euphemism for, say, Republican approval dropping to zero percent or Vladimir Putin "accidentally" falling out of a window. But no. I means what I says. And what I says is, here we goes again… A train carrying ethanol derailed and several cars erupted in flames early Thursday in Raymond, Minnesota, sparking an evacuation of residents living near the crash site, officials said. “And we’ll have FUN FUN FUN ‘til her daddy takes her tank cars awaaaaaaay….” Around 22 rail cars "carrying mixed freight including ethanol and corn syrup" derailed, BNSF Railway said in a statement. Ethanol is a highly flammable chemical. Several of the derailed tanks caught on fire, the sheriff's office said. An evacuation area within a half a mile around the crash site was established, and law enforcement officers and EMS personnel assisted with evacuating the area. For its part, the profits-first executives at BNSF Railway say they're fully prepared to deal with the spill appropriately. They dispatched a team of experienced professionals to look thoughtful in white lab coats and hard hats as they stroke their chins and make check marks on a clipboard. A media consultant skilled in the art of giving the thumbs-up sign to reporters was airdropped in at noon, moments before SWAT teams from multiple states swarmed in to remove reporters from the site. Republicans across the country will now focus their attention on whining about how President Biden hasn't shown up to personally lap up the ethanol and corn syrup with his tongue, but not before passing a bill in the House protecting the right of all trains to derail at any time on religious grounds. In the distance, a dog barks. CHEERS to Charles Hall. He patented aluminum 134 years ago this Sunday. And made the world safe for paranoids everywhere: An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers. It’s just science, people. It’s. Just. Science. AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don't mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable. Remember, bunker dwellers: shiny side out! - BRIEF SANITY BREAK - x Not everyone has the ability to participate in recess, and that's true for a boy named Heiter. In stepped his incredible teacher, Gean Sampaio, who made sure that Heiter enjoyed recess every day That smile✨ Not all heroes wear capes ❤️ 📽️Gean Sampaio pic.twitter.com/PwbF42UiPR — Jessi 💫 (@its_jessi_grace) March 26, 2023 - END BRIEF SANITY BREAK - CHEERS to fun in the sun. On March 31, 1917, the U.S. took possession of what are now the U.S. Virgin Islands (not to be confused with the inferior British Virgin Islands) from Denmark for $25 million. Residents there—who are considered U.S. citizens—are allowed to vote in presidential primaries but not the general election. Which is like your parents giving you a scoop of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream on your 5th birthday while your siblings get a big bowl of Chunky Monkey with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts, Oreos, and gummi bears wrapped in hundred-dollar bills. Damn—I thought I'd blotted that day out. Time to text my therapist again. CHEERS to home vegetation. If you don’t have anything better to do this weekend—like, say, attend your local communist party meeting—you can share some intimate moments with the sacred socialist TV box. If you're news'ed-out, you can catch a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 and the season premiere of Whose Line Is It Anyway? at 9 (The CW). Or there’s a new Shark Tank on ABC, if that floats your boat. Moses gets busy (again) tomorrow night. The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The biopic about the inventor of Tetris looks fun.) The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, you'll find the NCAA women's and men's Madness d’ le March info here and here. And hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. Tomorrow night Quinta Brunson (Abbott Elementary) hosts SNL. But the elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 53rd annual pre-Easter airing of Cecil B. DeMille's bladder buster The Fifteen Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for FIVE freaking hours—on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses' wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses fails to defeat Moses when the latter shoots down the former’s spy balloon.) Remember: if you get up from your couch to pee at any time between 7pm and midnight, God says you’re going straight to Hell. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup: Meet the Press: TBA Watch her instead. (12 noon Sunday on MSNBC.) Face the Nation: Human neocon slug John Bolton; Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); This Week: TBA CNN's State of the Union: Reps Dan Crenshaw (The Cult-TX) and Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); Senator Joe Manchin (DINO-WV). Thanks for the liberal representation, Jake Tapper! Fox We Lie For Money Sunday: Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX). Happy viewing! - Ten years ago in C&J: March 31, 2013 CHEERS to closure. When the book of 2013 is closed for good, you can bet your well-toned hiney that one of the hottest Maine stories will be the Kennebunk Zumba fitness instructor prostitution ring scandal. Yeah—Zumba fitness instructor. Turns out she was doin' the nasties—arranged by a pimp—with half the townsfolk, and since everyone knows everyone there, it got a bit awkward when they discovered there was "a list." The case dragged on and on and got a bunch of smirk- and titter-laced publicity nationally. And since Kossacks here kept asking me about it, I feel an obligation to let you know that they've, um, put this thing to bed: pimp gets 20 days in jail and pays $3k in fines. To say I care would be…well...let's call it a stretch. - And just one more… CHEERS to them's who crossed the finish line first. It's a well-established fact by now that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced 15 years ago this week, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. Every Friday—tonight included—we pluck a gaggle of worthy candidates from the previous seven-day news cycle and affix them to their place of honor on the front page. The candidate who gets the most votes wins. I can't really remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following Republican shitbag presidents with competent and humble Democratic presidents who clean up their messes. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2023, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March: Jan 6 President Biden: promotes infrastructure at now-being-rebuilt Brent Spence Bridge; boffo Dec. jobs report; awards medals to heroes of Jan. 6 coup & 2020 election. Jan 13 House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries, whose "A to Z" speech was the most memorable moment after McCarthy was elected Speaker on the 15th try. Jan 20 Democrats in Congress and the White House, for making it clear that there will be no negotiating with House Republicans who have taken the debt limit hostage. Jan 27 Ukraine, as both the U.S. & Germany agree to give the country their 800-pound gorillas of battle tanks (on President Zelenskyy's 45th birthday) to turn Russia's military hardware into mashed potato - Feb 3 The Satanic Temple, for opening its first reproductive health clinic—“The Samuel Alito’s Mom’s Satanic Abortion Clinic”—offering free religious medication abortion care in New Mexico. Each winner receives this delightful luggage set for a modest $250 shipping and handling fee. Feb 10 President Biden: deals with Chinese spy balloon like a seasoned pro, then baits GOP on national TV during boffo SOTU to loudly proclaim that Social Security & Medicare must be left alone. Feb 17 Dominion Voting Systems, whose legal filing against Fox News shows that management & hosts knew Biden won in 2020, but spewed the election-fraud lie to viewers anyway for ratings and profit. Feb 24 President Biden: proves 80 is just a number with gutsy, grueling trip to Ukraine war zone that captured the hearts of Ukrainians, galvanized NATO allies, and left his critics flummoxed. - Mar 3 Democrats in House committee hearings (especially Jamie Raskin) for knocking the banana Republicans back on their heels with razor-sharp retorts that tear apart their BS. Mar 10 The nationwide backlash to Walgreens, including California's cancellation of a $54 million contract with the pharmacy chain that apparently decided it doesn’t need women customers anymore. Mar 17 Nebraska state senator Machaela Cavanaugh, now in her third week of a filibuster to prevent passage of a MAGA cult bill promoting hate and violence against transgender residents and their parents. Mar 24 The courts, for universally preventing the previous president from wriggling out of bogus legal escape hatches, and allowing the cases against him to proceed without delay. Mar 31 [TBA...but I think I can guess.] Here’s some WWTW Poll trivia: "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll back in 2008, and by the time he left office he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. (Sorry, George Washington, but we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.) Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today? - [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/3/31/2160957/-Cheers-and-Jeers-Rum-and-Bigly-Indictment-FRIDAY Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/