(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . The Not-Good Thing. [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.', 'Backgroundurl Avatar_Large', 'Nickname', 'Joined', 'Created_At', 'Story Count', 'N_Stories', 'Comment Count', 'N_Comments', 'Popular Tags'] Date: 2023-04-18 Welcome to the Street Prophets Coffee Hour. CW: mention of suicidal thoughts, mental illness, violence, sexual assault, and drug addiction. Last week I said that something (really, really) not-good had happened. I was amazed and touched by the number of comments expressing good wishes for me. Y'all made me teary-eyed. That is not an easy thing to do. I may or may not ever fully wrap my head around it. I've decided that that's okay. I don't always have to completely understand something. I'm not sure that's even possible. But I have had some time to think. And to reach at least one decision. I won't let it define me. I won't lie about it, hide from it, or be ashamed of it. I didn't cause it. I didn't create it. I can't fix it and I'm done with trying to. It has upended my life, I've lost sleep and even forgotten basic self-care like eating regularly. It's caused no end of headaches, real and figurative. It's been the source of so much pain and anger that I sometimes find myself overwhelmed to the point of numbness. Shutting down. It's also not going away anytime soon; it will be years, if ever, before it is resolved. It may affect my life for as long as I live. It's certainly going to change me. It already has. But I won't let it define me. I'm more than just my problems. We all are. The Not-Good Thing is, my husband has been sent to prison. He violated his probation too many times, the judge rejected the plea agreement offered by the public defender (which would have been for 150 days, the time my husband had already been in the county jail) and sentenced him to four years. Less time already served in the county jail it's about three and a half years. Which, while awful, wouldn't necessarily mean the end of everything. Except that my husband has told me more than once that if he's sent to prison again (he did a couple of years long before we met) that he didn't expect to leave there alive. I hardly know what to make of that. I do think he probably meant it. The first time he went to jail he was put on suicide watch. (I heard what that's like when he came home. It's horrific.) He has hinted at something like "death by cop". I suspect he has undiagnosed (and therefore untreated) mental illness, in addition to the damage that three decades worth of off-and-on meth benders will do. So, it's possible that I will end up widowed. He's actually told me to be prepared for that. It's not like I don't have enough else to stress about. I have a lengthy to-do list; I'm trying to focus on one task at a time. At the moment it's figuring out how to file our income taxes now. It was while googling helpful information about that very topic that a particular phrase kept showing up. "Prison wife". I found two different definitions. One is, an inmate who forms an emotional and sexual attachment to another inmate. They become a couple, until they break up or one of them leaves. The other definition is, the (not incarcerated) female spouse of an inmate. A few of the blogs I found for this were at least somewhat helpful. Most were not. A lot of it was cheerful pretty young women going on about how they love their man forever no matter what. If they feel any anger, sorrow, or betrayal they don't mention it. I find that hard to understand. But again, I don't have to understand everything. Anyway. That definition applies to me. But I won't let it define me. At any rate, there's not a huge amount of practical advice out there. And even less practical support. Goddess help me but I caught myself wondering if actual widowhood might be a little easier to cope with. If only for things like survivor's benefits and property tax relief. Not to mention closure. I know how awful that sounds. I know. It's hanging on a wall now. I had planned to put it away, out of sight. Out of consideration for my husband, who is phobic of snakes. In my lifetime I've been homeless, I've been desperately poor, I've been beaten up and sexually assaulted, I've been in hiding from someone who tried to kill me. I've lost friends and family members, sometimes within less than a year of each other. I've sucked it up and carried on when all I really wanted was to just go to sleep and not have to wake up for at least a month. I don't want to but I can do it again. I can be strong. Though I admit I'm a little tired of it. If you've managed to read this far, I thank you. If you have any insight or advice to share, please do. I'm listening. Want to vent about your own Not-Good Thing? Feel free. I'm listening. Thank you for reading. This is an open thread, all topics are welcome. [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/4/18/2163551/-The-Not-Good-Thing Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/