(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . One Year Out. [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2023-06-30 Approximately one year ago, I figured something out about myself. About why I was feeling the feelings I was. And to an extent, NOT feeling the feelings other people felt. Turns out, I’m on the Asexual spectrum. Now before we go on, Let’s go on and get some definitions and terms out of the way. Here’s a nice explainer from the LGBT Center at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill: Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy. Gray-A, gray-asexual, gray-sexual are terms used to describe individuals who feel as though their sexuality falls somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality between asexuality and sexuality. Demisexual individuals are those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed. Attraction - There are many different types of attraction, including: Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s). Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons. Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction. Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling. Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships. Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves. So when I say spectrum, I mean spectrum. Being Ace can range from being aromantic and so sex repulsed to the point where intimate contact can make you physically sick, to sex positive Ace people in loving sexual relationships. But Ace people all share one trait in common: The lack of sexual attraction. We don’t feel it the same way that other people do, if we feel it at all. “But Zen”, you say, “Didn’t you say so and so was hot?” Well, yeah I did. I have eyes, you know. But that doesn’t mean I want to do anything with them. That’s just aesthetic attraction. You ever meet anyone and almost immediately your heart races, you get a little sweaty, you feel a kind of euphoria? That’s sexual attraction. Not even in my most teenage hormone years did I feel anything close. Many Aces also experience a lack of romantic attraction as well. That’s not to say they don’t have friends or engage in platonic relationships, because they do. Here’s a recent story: I was with some friends enjoying conviviality and beverages, and one of my friends was talking about someone she knows. She was obviously sexually attracted to him. She mentioned that she could feel NO sexual energy from him. No sexual vibe, as it were. Now, my friend commented that this person was also physically hurt/ill pretty bad. She openly wondered if he was Ace, but also mentioned that he was dating someone. As I reminded her, Ace people date as well. Another friend commented to me “And you would know this” because this friend knows I go down research rabbit holes all the time. And when I realized I was Ace, I did go down some rabbit holes. Like the one I’ve quoted above. Another story, this time about my high school crush. The fall of our senior year, we started to grow closer in friendship as I was in more classes with her and that gave us time to talk. And talk we did. I pissed off my brothers, who I was supposed to drive home, because I would walk with her, and drive her home. And we always had stuff to talk about. It got so that a few mutual friends asked me if the two of us were seeing each other. And I knew she had a boyfriend in college. But I had absolutely NO sexual attraction towards her. Just some emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, and in my case, romantic attraction. So much for attraction. Now you may say that being Ace means one has never had sex. That’s not necessarily true. There are some who are so sex repulsed even from a young age that they would never in a million years try it. Others are more sex positive, and again, others are kind of in the middle. So for me personally, I’m sex-indifferent. Most of the times I’ve engaged, I've been like “Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? All this work for THIS?” So...yeah. I wouldn’t be upset in the least if I never had sex again. Hugs, however? Another story. When I imagine a relationship with someone I have interest in, It’s all about quiet times sitting and talking, or doing things together, holding hands, cuddling, maybe kissing. I can’t imagine sexual activity at all. And as I’ve discovered, many people have no idea we exist at all. When you see the full LGBTQIA+, most people think the “A” means “Ally”. They have no clue that people who do not feel sexual attraction or want anything to do at all with sex exist. Going through some of the posts on Asexual Reddit, I’m always reading the same stuff: “Oh, you just haven’t found the right one yet”. And other drivel such as that. And talk like that has an extremely negative effect. Ace kids think that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not finding “The One”. Or that they’re not interested in boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. And when you start thinking that there’s something wrong with YOU, well, we’ve seen how that story ends so many times. Please, think about what you say in ALL things. But I think I’ve run on enough talking about my personal “Ace-ness” and being Ace as a whole. I mainly wrote this diary to talk about what life has been like for me this past year as a newly out Ace and what changes I have noticed. Welp, in the doings of daily adulting, not much. HOWEVER, mentally, there’s been a change. When everything first clicked, I mentioned it was “Terrifyingly Liberating”. And that’s not an exaggeration. Imagine your mind and all the thoughts and feelings swirling around. Both good, and those that weigh you down so much it can affect you physically. Now imagine one of those bad groups of thoughts and feelings blowing away like clouds revealing the Sun. Imagine the lightness of spirit and being. It’s wonderful and terrifying at the same time, because now you have NEW feelings. Feelings that feel GOOD. You’re in a place you’ve never been before and you have never felt these new feelings. Yeah, that’s how I felt. And when I came out publicly? My family was all “you be your best you”. My friends were all happy and gave me lots of nice messages. My students? My students were like “Whatever”. But in a nice way. The way that it should be. They shrugged their shoulders, said “that’s nice” and went back to whatever they were doing. Like it didn’t even matter. The fact I was Ace was just another thing they accepted without a fuss. So life goes on life-ing. It’s just been a little sunnier. [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/6/30/2177791/-One-Year-Out Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/