(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Chef Bans Vegans from Restaurant. Here's a Full Transcript of the Events... [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2023-07-22 *One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingy* Costumer: "Hello, I'm showing you the courtesy of calling ahead of time like I'm supposed to in order to request a vegan option. Do you have anything?" "Chef": "Of course, there's a fantastic vegan gnocchi that I can make. Does that sound good?" Costumer: "Wonderful! Looking forward to it." (Three weeks later) Costumer: "I'm here." Chef: "Oh yeah, I suddenly decided that I don't really give a shit. Um, here's a half-assed salad I threw together on my way to the crapper. That'll be thirty-two dollars." Costumer: "I'm afraid this was not as promised and I'm going to have to offer fair criticism as a result. I'll be sure to give the criticism to you directly so as not to spread bad press and harm your reputation." Chef: "Fuck you and my reputation! You know what what else gets a one star review? Your mum after I pulled out of her last night... Wait, that was my mum. No matter! You post your shitty review publicly so everyone can see what a shitty review writer you are! My name is John Mountain, by the way. That's John Mountain. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm in desperate need of my pacifier." Costumer: "If you insist..." Chef: "WHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!! I WANT MY BABA!!!! All you vegans are banned! I never wanted to play wiff you anyways! You're all stupid and you smell! I, the chef whose name is John Mountain, enjoys putting on a blond wig and lacey outfits and pretending I’m Bo Derek, that way I can fantasize about John Derek while I play with myself. Did I mention WHAA?" (Sometime later) Chef’s Girlfriend Whose Name I Don’t know: “I’m leaving you John Mountain.” Chef: “What? Why? It’s because of the vegans, isn't it?” Former Girlfriend Lady: “That may be part of it, former boyfriend whose name is John Mountain, but it’s more than that. I’m...I’m in love with my vibrator, Ruth Buzzy. We’re running off together to live a simple life in the country. I’m sorry, but of the two of you she’s the one that satisfies me best.” Chef: “There’s more to a relationship than just sex, err, whatever your name is.” Former Girlfriend Person Lady: “It IS more than sex, celebrity chef, John Mountain; Buzzy is a better listener and conversationalist...” Chef: “Okay, dear, I see your point. Goodbye.” Girlfriend Except not Anymore Woman: “...Buzzy has better hygiene and never leaves the toilet seat up...” Chef: “Okay, I get it. Goodbye now.” You Basically Know Who I’m Talking About, Right?: “...Buzzy never replaces my birth control pills with aspirin as a prank. Buzzy never told anyone to pull her finger at my dad’s funeral...” Chef: “Will you just leave already?!” (Some more time later) Piss Morgan: “’ello, ‘ello ‘ello. Welcome to the Piss Morgan Show, I’m your host, Piss Morgan. Tonight, as always, we’ll be engaging in a fair and honest debate. With me tonight is a violent former gang member turned vegan faggot, Joey Carbstrong and benevolent carnist superhero, John Mountain, once again tasked with protecting a somehow always oppressed majority. We’ll start with you, vegan cunt; why do you hate bees?” Joey: “Uh, well...” Piss Morgan: “Don’t be so pushy, Joey; they’ll be plenty of time for me to interrupt you later. Now let’s turn to brave martyr, John Mountain to see what he has to say.” Chef: “WHAA, Piss, WHAA is what I say. I mean, it was a fair complaint; that I openly acknowledge, but WHAA anyway. WHAA now and forever. WHAA until the earth meets the sun and kills us all and WHAA into the afterlife. I don’t think it’s fair that my plan to popularize my establishment through controversy is working in the exact way that I intended it to. Where’s the justice? When you get right down to it, Piss, veganism is the most dangerous form of psychopathy; why else would they not laugh at any picture of me posing with gassed pigs?” Piss Morgan: “Just like the Gestapo, aren’t they?” Chef: “Exactly like the Gestapo! The Gestapo was infamous for it’s aversion to gas chambers. Good observation.” Chef: “Speaking of gas chambers—“ Piss Morgan: “Don’t go comparing animal agriculture to the holocaust! That’s insensitive and tasteless! Now go eat your grass like your bee-murdering vegan icon, Adolf Hitler!” Chef: “Should we end the show with a joke?” Piss Morgan: “Of course, if there’s anything us carnists are known for, it’s our clever and original comedy stylings.” Chef: “How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” Joey (Clapping): “Great joke, gents! Let’s go home now.” Piss Morgan: “It’s rude to interrupt, Joey. Wait for the punchline.” Joey (Muttering to himself): “Which punchline? I’m already looking at two of them.” Chef (CONT’D): “None, they rather live in the dark.” Piss Morgan: “So basically, you just stole a joke that vegans had already come up with, told it in reverse, removing the context that made it applicable in the first place and added an extra layer of “I--know—you—are—but what—am—I?”. BRILLIANT! A prime example of carnist wit!” Chef: “So if you’re ever in the area, check out my restaurant; our new appetizer is roasted bees glazed in their own honey. I should also mention that, I, John Mountain; that’s my name, John Mountain, enjoy snorting raw swage through a straw and you can go ahead and post that on social media. In fact I encourage it. I want everyone to flood social media with how I, John Mountain enjoys snorting raw sewage through a straw. I’m not worried. What’s the worst that could happen?” Piss Morgan: “Anything you have to add, Joey, you bee-raping street thug who carries out mob-hits on little old ladies for spare change?” Joey: “Why did I come here?” Piss Morgan: “I don’t even know why I’m here, but apparently people like watching me. Join us next time when our topic will be Clouds: If they didn't want to get yelled at, why would they float over my lawn? I’ll be shouting over the experts to find out.” (The news spreads) General public: "Why should anyone be expected to cater to everyone they said they would cater to? He's a chef not a, uh, caterer. I’m going to fill a syringe with milk and inject it into my blood stream just to show how crazy you’re all being." "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity"-- Harlan Ellison [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/7/22/2182801/-Chef-Bans-Vegans-from-Restaurant-Here-s-a-Full-Transcript-of-the-Events Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/