(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Top Comments: Dark & Stormy Edition [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2023-08-16 It was a dark & stormy night at Top Comments; the mojo rained down like a giant’s sneeze, and Tara’s bosoms heaved like twin bags of spider monkeys as she cried out: “The 2023 Bulwer-Lytton Awards are here!” But first, a word from our sponsor! Here at Top Comments we welcome longtime as well as brand new Daily Kos readers to join us at 10pm Eastern. We strive to nourish community by rounding up some of the site's best, funniest, most mojo'd & most informative commentary, and we depend on your help!! If you see a comment by another Kossack that deserves wider recognition, please send it either to topcomments at gmail or to the Top Comments group mailbox by 9:30pm Eastern. Please please please include a few words about why you sent it in as well as your user name (even if you think we know it already :-)), so we can credit you with the find! The Bulwer-Lytton Award is an annual contest where the object is to write the worst possible opening sentence to a hypothetical bad novel. The name comes from Edward Bulwer-Lytton, whose novel Paul Clifford famously started thusly: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. In addition to a grand prize winner, there are awards in categories such as romance, science fiction, vile puns, and my personal favorite, purple prose. There’s also a drink inspired by the contest. Here’s a sample of this year’s literary offerings, but trust me, go read the whole thing. Grand Prize Winner: "She was a beautiful woman; more specifically she was the kind of beautiful woman who had an hourlong skincare routine that made her look either ethereal or like a glazed donut, depending on how attracted to her you were." -Maya Pasic, NYC Winner, Crime & Detective: The tall, slender seductress had Tom Pauley wrapped around her little finger, and she had James McGee hanging from a necklace, but the police were still waiting for the lab results to determine whose body parts she had used to make her earrings and that stunning tennis bracelet. -Julian Calvin, Atlanta, GA Dishonorable Mention, Dark & Stormy Category: It was a Dark ‘n Stormy night; the rum fell in torrents—except when it was checked by an equal, if not more substantial, measure of ginger beer (for it is in a highball glass that our drink lies), accented with a hit of lime juice from a well-placed wedge, and perhaps a dash of Angostura bitters, though that is at the bartender’s discretion and certainly not required. Allison Bryski, Durham, NC Dishonorable Mention, Fantasy & Horror: Grunchkukk The Vile couldn’t believe that the 250-year-old Frodo Baggins was still alive, after he had dealt him countless blows with his iron-spiked Dwarf-death orb, slashed him to ribbons with his Elf-shredder axe, and run him through with his Goblin-cleaver, until he remembered his Orcmother had once told him “Old Hobbits die hard.” Erin Martin, Orlando, FL Dishonorable Mention, Historical Fiction: Sitting on the saloon stool, Cody quickly downed some liquid courage before reading what he thought would be grim news about his brother at the Battle of Shiloh, but the telegram turned out to be from that mysterious company who kept offering to extend his horse warranty. Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA Dishonorable Mention, Odious Outliers: The clouds drifted lazily through the crystal blue sky like cotton candy from last summer's county fair except that if a plane flew cotton candy the engine would ingest so much sugar that it would lock up the engine and force the pilot to make an emergency landing, perhaps in the river below where the body of a white male in his mid 50's with no identification floated face down, which is where our story begins. Ken Hill, Elkville, IL Winner, Vile Puns: While she had no regrets about throwing the lever to douse her husband's mistress in molten gold, Blanche did feel a pang of conscience for the innocent bystanders whose proximity had caused them to suffer gilt by association. -Adam Chmelka, Olathe, KS On to Top Comments! From inkstainedwretch: Aashirs Nani reply to Whistle on Frank Vyan Walton diary "So I went to the Emergency Room..." We have to take care of ourselves as well as we want to care for others. Top mojo, courtesy of mik: [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/8/16/2187543/-Top-Comments-Dark-amp-Stormy-Edition Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/