(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Rest in Peace my Dear Gay Father [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2023-09-13 Today on the 13th of September, 2023, I lost my father, Larry 'Dean' Coate, a genius actuary, transit organizer, union activist and proud gay man. There were so many things I wanted to say to him before he was gone; the fact that my final opportunity to do so was at hand with this illness was not something I wanted to acknowledge. I wanted to hear talk about recovering health, not last goodbyes, so I never said to him: I remember as child how confusing it was because my father was gay, and how much I eventually learned because of it. I'll never forget the exact instant as a teenager I finally understood my own sexuality, and that it was something I never had control of, like you, and like everybody. I remember a lot of things I had been afraid of dissipated that day. I wish I'd been able to explain that to you. I suppose, I never really had to. When I was 18 and hitchhiking across the country for the first time and ended up where you lived, in San Francisco, I was nervous at the prospect of seeing you and spending time with a father I'd barely seen since I was three years old. I felt I'd be facing a virtual stranger. Instead it was like there had never been any distance. Instead it was like I'd always known your every habit and every personality characteristic and quirk- and it was because I did. Some of it must have been all the latent memories of my life, even the ones out of reach of my recall as I was so young and it was so long ago... and some of it because everything I knew about my deepest psyche, I saw in you. I saw all my strengths, my insecurities, my drive, my fear, my love and all the experience of life Ibmve been running towards and away from. Of course I knew you, you made me and my twin brother, two people who would have never existed if not for your love, or your confusion. It's not even likely we ever would have existed, yet here we are, unavoidably and undeniably your sons. I could talk about the times we've spent together since then, and how important it was to me, because it was, but right now all I can think about is how I wish there been so much more of it- and this time, I can only point the blame at myself. I could talk about your genius, and about how you organized the mess of the Bay Area Rapid Transit into one of the best public transportation systems in the world, about your contributions to organized labor and your union activism, but someone else would be better suited to do so, because unfortunately I never knew all the exact details. I knew you'd done those things, and I was proud; I wish I'd learned more about it when I had the chance.. There's a lot of things I could've talked about, but by the time I realized it was the time to do it, the time had passed. We spoke over the phone, you. Matthew and I, but I don't know if you remember and you couldn't respond. I could hear you breathing which made me believe that you could... I called back later to tell you things I had to say. I told you I still have the 85 Lincoln Mark V. I'll never get rid of that though it's aging conputer has made it impossible to use for practical transportation since 2010. I told you when my album is complete and a sucesss I'm going to get everything in that car replaced so I can dive it back down to California and we'll ride around the hilly streets of San Francisco in it together like we once did 25 years ago. I'm so pissed that isn't going to happen. My flight didn't even arrive in San Francisco before you passed. I tried dad, but one final time, I failed. I hope this is the last time I fail like this. I don't know what else I could do wrong. I knew I had to make the time count before it was gone, and I didn't. I wish you could've been around long enough to see me do right. I wish I'd done better. Maybe you still would be here if I had. I don't even fucking know who I am anymore. My whole life I've been your son. The son of a good man, a genius though somewhat absent-minded man, a brave though sometimes scared man, a man who would've given anyone the shirt off his back because wanted the best for each person. I was the son of a good man. I was the son of a gay man. It didn't even seem possible I was here, yet here we were, and I knew you loved us always though distance often separated us. Larry Dean Coate, you were a good man and you will be missed by the World. To you I forever say thank you and my only regret is that you're gone before I said it. For that, and more, I shall always be sorry. Your son, Daniel Dean Coate [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/9/13/2193195/-Rest-in-Peace-my-Dear-Gay-Father Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/