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My Trump-Inspired Christmas Message to the World [1]

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Date: 2023-12-25  

In America, holidays are a time for tradition. Lovingly exchanging gifts on Christmas, returning the lame crap you got for Christmas on Boxing day. Losing fingers in fireworks accidents on Independence Day, mattress sales on Memorial Day. Scarfing down turkey on Thanksgiving and delighting in endless buckets of anchovies on Tu BiShvat (I may have a few details of that one wrong).

Another time-honored American tradition involves the issuance of heart-warming holiday greetings by our leaders. Arguably, George Washington began this tradition with his famous Christmas message to the troops at Valley Forge. He continued custom throughout his presidential administration and beyond, only ceasing when his wooden teeth killed him (who could have seen THAT coming?).

Since then, all of our presidents generally issue statements designed to inspire our country on our national holidays. It's a great way to bring the country together and remind us all of our common humanity and reinforce our shared heritage as Americans whose differences pale in comparison to what binds us together.

Sure, the presidents differed in style. While they all touched on patriotism and American greatness, they often varied to reflect the times. Ronald Reagan and George Bush both talked about a world once divided harmonizing at last as the iron current came down. Lincoln spoke of the pain of civil war and the dream of national reconciliation

Some messages had quirkier touches. President Chester Arthur talked a lot about why mutton chops were actually much cooler than people thought. William Henry Harrison spoke about the need to get things done in a hurry. And Calvin Coolidge, know as "Silent Cal" lived up to his nickname by appearing in front of the presidential podium, glaring out at those assembled wordlessly for about 90 seconds every Christmas, and then walking back into the White House.

And then came Donald Trump

Trump's messages were different. They focused less on the nation and more on which pornstars were accusing him of what at that given moment. He spoke less of civic unity, and more about how various scumbags were mistreating him. In fact, this, in it's entirety, and in the original ALL CAPS is our former and possible future (fingers crossed!) President's 2023 inspirational Christmas message to the nation:

“THEY SPIED ON MY CAMPAIGN, LIED TO CONGRESS, CHEATED ON FISA, RIGGED A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, ALLOWED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, MANY FROM PRISONS & MENTAL INSTITUTIONS, TO INVADE OUR COUNTRY, SCREWED UP IN AFGHANISTAN, & JOE BIDEN’S MISFITS & THUGS, LIKE DERANGED JACK SMITH, ARE COMING AFTER ME, AT LEVELS OF PERSECUTION NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN OUR COUNTRY???” “IT’S CALLED ELECTION INTERFERENCE. MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

To those who say that Trump’s words are not inspirational, I say you are wrong! They have inspired me! And in keeping with my newfound inspiration, here is my 2023 Christmas Message to all of my loved ones:

FUCK OFF! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF THE DOUCHEBAGS AND COCKGOBBLINS WHO CRAPPED ON MY HEAD THIS YEAR! YOU ALL MAKE ME WANT TO BLOW CHUNKS INTO MY CORN FLAKES, WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, IS A GREAT AMERICAN CEREAL

FIRST, TO MY DAFT, DEMENTED CREDITORS, REPOSSESS THIS ! ALL THIS COMMUNIST BS ABOUT ME "OWING" "MONEY" WHICH I "BORROWED" IS FAKE NEWS. PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE TIME, "SIR, NOBODY OWES LESS MONEY THAN YOU".

AND THEN THERE ARE MY FRIENDS, WHO I LOVE AND WISH ALL OF GOD'S GRACE, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE TOTAL DICK-HOLES AND BUTT NUGGETS. AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOME ARE BOTH!

THEN THERE ARE THE HOOLIGANS AND THUGS WHO DELIVER MY MAIL. YOU DESERVE TO BE CRUSHED BY HEAVY STONES AND HAVE YOUR ENTRAILS FED TO HYENAS. OH, AND YOU'RE TIP IS IN THE MAILBOX.

THE BIGGEST "GO-F-YOURSELF" GOES TO MY FAMILY. THEY ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST! EXCEPT FOR ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE EVEN WORSE FOR BEING OF A DIFFERENT RACE OR ETHNICITY. WHAT A BUNCH OF WANK-LOZENGES WHO DESERVE FOR SANTA TO GIVE THEM COAL IN THEIR STOCKING AND THEN SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF THEM! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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