(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1] [] Date: 2023-12-27 "Hey-oooooooo!!!" A C&J EXCLUSIVE preview of some HILARIOUS Biden joke punch lines you'll be hearing in 2024 from the late-night comedians. Hold on to your “creaky” funny bones! "I guess Biden forgot to take his Geritol!" "Biden said it was almost as exciting as that time he met President Polk!" "Biden has been cautious about buying back oil for the petroleum reserve. He says these days he doesn’t even buy green bananas!" "Biden says it depends. Biden also wears Depends!" "The state dinner will start at four so Biden can take advantage of the early bird specials!" “Biden looked up at the White House maintenance guy holding the snow shovel and said, ‘Hey get off of my head, that’s not snow it’s my hair!” "Biden's speech was interrupted five times by applause and three times by a nap!" Because when you’re smart, honest, dedicated, hard-working, empathetic, accomplished, literate, principled, tough, and scandal-free, old-man jokes is all they got. So that's what we're gonna get. Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 27, 2023 Note: We hope you had a nice holiday. If you got a Christmas or Hanukkah gift that displeased you, toss it in the C&J woodchipper and go pick out a nice replacement from your neighbor's garage and/or tool shed. Probably best to do it late at night so they'll be less inclined to come out and distract you with their loud voices and wavy arms while you're making your excellent selection. —Mgt. - By the Numbers: 4 days!!! Days 'til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 19 Days 'til the Sartori Big Cheese Drop in Plymouth, Wisconsin: 4 Drop in the Personal Consumption Expenditures Price Index (one of the two major readings on inflation) in November, the first drop in over 3 years: -0.1% Wage growth in 2023: 4% Number of guns in America for every 100 citizens: 120 Number of mass shootings so far in 2023, 80 of them at schools/universities: 645 Weight of the Times Square New Year's Eve ball: 11,875 lbs - Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 4 plagues and 1 helpful chronology of your doom). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today. - Puppy Pic of the Day: Belated congrats to Mama Puds... - CHEERS to blessed silence. They've turned off the Christmas carols. It's safe to come out now. We hope you were as fortunate as we were by making it through another season without hearing the Kenny G version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer or FIFA’s rendition of The Little Vuvuzela Boy. But we’re not entirely out of the woods yet. Nothing but non-stop Auld Lang Syne for the next four days, and Grandpa’s still only on page 16 of his Festivus grievances. Oy. (This item is sponsored by ACME earplugs. Remember: If you haven’t heard a thing about ACME Earplugs, you must already be using ACME earplugs.) CHEERS and JEERS to action news lightning round. I can think of zero reasons to get into the weeds of hard news while we're still basking in the glow of a holiday weekend and standing on the precipice of another. So toss I shall a mere smattering of fresh headlines to get you up to speed without killing the buzz: » A year after a judge ruled that MAGA-infected zombie Kari Lake would not be the next governor of Arizona, another judge ruled that she likely would lose her fortune in a defamation case. “Outstanding,” said everybody but Kari Lake. » Always the helpful neighbor, Ukraine helped Russia convert one of its tank-transporting warships into a submarine. For more news, grab a jeweler’s loupe and go to it. » Some say the Webb space telescope was launched into space two years ago and changed our understanding of the universe. Others disagree. And we'll have to leave it there. » Holiday air travel was mostly smooth, due to a lower-than-expected number of MAGA lunatics screaming about nanobots in vaccines, brain-killing 5G tower waves, the stolen 2020 election, Hunter's laptop, and how the old lady sitting in 12-B is the antichrist. » Surprising no one, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis's Never Back Down PAC backed down. » King Charles III used his second kingly Christmas speech to bark at the commoners to just add more thatch to the roofs of their huts if they’re so bloody cold. "I mean, like what are ya gonna do…call Robin Hood???" » CNN ran a critical article about how often you should wash your hair, and we discovered that the answer is: hell if we know. And this just in: pessimists lament that there's a 50 percent chance that 2024 will suck, while optimists gush that there's a 50 percent chance that 2024 will rock. Highlights of ensuing street brawl tonight on News Center at 11. - BRIEF SANITY BREAK - x Just an old man parking his car into his garage. pic.twitter.com/FsgepayfhB — STEM (@stem_feed) December 16, 2023 - END BRIEF SANITY BREAK - CHEERS to Bidenomics. Well, well, well. They said that doddering Uncle Joe didn’t know what he was doing. They said he was a walking dementia poster child who had no idea what his economic policies were or how they worked. They said, they said, they said. Talk talk talk, bloviate bloviate bloviate. And yet the President of the United States just ended 2023 by whuppin' all their asses and their brains because, according to the White House's Council of Economic Advisers… $ Economic growth was higher than expected and the envy of the entire world $ Private manufacturing construction investment reached its highest level on record since 1958 And on top of all that, Dark Brandon made it safe for Americans to say “Happy Holidays” again. $ The unemployment rate has been below 4 percent for 22 straight months, a run not seen in more than 50 years. Women and Black Americans made historic gains in the labor market. $ Inflation is down, and likely around the 2 percent Fed target $ Real wages grew and income inequality fell $ The supply chain issues are fixed $ Consumers are more bullish on the economy as we head into 2024 In response, the media promised to double their efforts to hide the good news in 2024, while Republicans vowed to win next year's elections and, on behalf of their billionaire benefactors, reverse this terrible trend of happier commoners. CHEERS to keeping things in focus. Happy 452nd birthday to Johannes Kepler, the "founder of modern optics." Among many other accomplishments, he designed the first lenses to help farsightedness and nearsightedness. Sadly for our current political class, there was nothing in his bag of tricks to help shortsightedness. - Two years ago in C&J: December 27, 2021 CHEERS to gravity defiance. Planet Earth delivered a sweet little present for the universe on Christmas morning, as a rocket thingy blasted off (in that sexy blast-offy way rocket thingies do) and delivered the $10 billion James Webb telescope—a culmination of 40-million hours of nerdwork—into outer space. Eventually, it will probe the heavens so remotely, infinitesimally, and retroactively that it'll be able to tell us exactly where our universe comes from, going back 13.5 billion years. My guess: the bottom of a shoe. - And just one more… CHEERS to home sweet safe home. This year's rankings released by WalletHub ("For all your hub needs as they relate to wallets and such") say that Maine's largest hamlet is among the safest in the country. Out of over 180 cities studied for "home & community Safety, natural-disaster risk, and financial safety,” Portland proudly stands nearly atop the list at #6, the same as last year. The top ten safest cities: 1. Nashua, NH Needless to say, if this guy lives in your town, it’s not on WalletHub’s safest cities list. 2. Columbia, MD 3. South Burlington, VT 4. Gilbert, AZ 5. Warwick, RI 6. Portland, ME 7. Casper, WY 8. Yonkers, NY 9. Burlington, VT 10. Scottsdale, AZ As usual, the most dangerous place in America remains the space between a megachurch grifter and an old lady’s checkbook. And last but certainly not least, a hearty Happy Birthday and “many blessings on your camels” to Daily Kos front-pager and all-around amazing human being Joan McCarter. We’re simply not worthy. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today? - Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool cleaning is one of the messiest, most time-consuming and dreaded chores there is, but it’s a job that needs to be done. —USA Today - [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/12/27/2213762/-Cheers-and-Jeers-Wednesday?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=more_community&pm_medium=web Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/