(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . The Dictator's Dilemma: A Modest Proposal for American Democracy [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2024-06-24 As an observer of American politics, I've seen my fair share of electoral shenanigans, but the current state of affairs has me reaching for my satire pen with renewed vigor. Let's dive into the murky waters of our upcoming presidential election, shall we? What will voters get if they vote for Trump? The Man, The Myth, The Mar-a-Lago Maverick First, let's talk about the elephant in the room – and I don't mean the GOP mascot. I'm referring to none other than Donald J. Trump, the man who's collected more indictments than most people collect parking tickets. This paragon of virtue, this beacon of democracy, this — well, you get the idea. A Resume to Die For (Literally) Trump's qualifications for the highest office in the land are truly unparalleled. He's a New York City real estate developer, which clearly prepares one for the intricacies of international diplomacy. After all, nothing says "man of the people" like gold-plated toilets. And let's not forget his crowning achievement – serving as the 45th President of the United States from 2017 to 2021. Those four years felt like forty, didn't they? But hey, who's counting? Certainly not the historians who'll be scratching their heads for centuries trying to make sense of it all. The Symphony of Chaos: Trump's Greatest Hits During his time in office, Trump was busier than a one-armed paperhanger with an itch. Let's review some of his greatest hits, shall we? The Travel Ban: Because Nothing Says "Land of the Free" Like Religious Discrimination Trump's travel ban on Muslim-majority countries was a masterstroke of xenophobia disguised as national security. Because clearly, the best way to combat terrorism is to alienate entire nations and religions. Bravo, sir. Bravo. The Wall: A Monument to Ineffectiveness Ah, the wall. Trump's pièce de résistance. It is such a formidable, impenetrable structure that it can be scaled with a $5 ladder from Home Depot. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right? The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act: Trickle-Down Economics at Its Finest If you're at the top of the waterfall, Trump proved once and for all that trickle-down economics works. The rest of us? Well, we're still waiting for that trickle. Any day now, I'm sure. The Supreme Court Trifecta: Why Stop at One Branch of Government? Trump appointed three Supreme Court Justices because why influence just one branch of government when you can go for all three? It's like a constitutional hat trick, folks. Pandemic Poetry: Trump's COVID-19 Response Regarding handling the COVID-19 pandemic, Trump's response was about as effective as a chocolate teapot. He ignored health officials, spread misinformation faster than the virus itself, and treated the pandemic like a PR problem rather than a public health crisis. Because nothing says "leadership" like suggesting we inject disinfectant, right? The Art of the No Deal: Trump's Foreign Policy In foreign affairs, Trump was a bull in a China shop — if the bull was wearing a blindfold and the China shop was the entire world order. The China Trade War: Because Global Economics is Just Like Real Estate, Right? Trump started a trade war with China, proving once and for all that international trade is like a game of Monopoly — except in this version, everyone loses. The Great Withdrawal: If It Has "Agreement" in the Title, We're Against It Trump withdrew from more international agreements than a commitment phobe on speed dating night. The Paris Agreement, the Iran nuclear deal, the Trans-Pacific Partnership – if it had "agreement" in the title, Trump was against it. The Kim Jong Un Saga: Three Summits, Zero Progress, but Great Photo Ops Trump met with Kim Jong Un not once, not twice, but three times. The result? Zero progress, but hey, at least we got some great photo ops because nothing says "diplomacy" like falling in love with a dictator over beautiful letters. Trump's Legal Limbo: A Dance with Lady Justice Now, here's where Trump's resume really shines. He's achieved some truly remarkable feats in the legal arena. The Double Impeachment: Because One Just Wasn't Enough Trump is the only U.S. president to be impeached twice. Once for trying to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rival and once for inciting an insurrection. Because why stop at one impeachment when you can go for the high score? The 2020 Election: Democracy is Overrated, Right? Trump refused to concede the 2020 election because nothing says "respect for democracy" like throwing a four-year-old's tantrum when you lose. Who needs a peaceful transfer of power anyway? That's so 18th century. The January 6th "Peaceful Tourist Visit" Trump encouraged his supporters to march to the Capitol, resulting in a typical, peaceful sightseeing tour. If your idea of sightseeing involves bear spray, assaulting police, and breaking windows, that is. The Felony Hat-Trick: Making Criminal History Trump is the first former U.S. president convicted of a crime: 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. But why stop there? He's also indicted in three other jurisdictions on 54 felony counts for mishandling classified documents and trying to overturn an election. Because 34 felony counts just weren't enough, apparently. The Civil Liability Trifecta: Winning at Losing Trump has been found liable for sexual abuse, defamation, and financial fraud in civil cases, achieving the rare trifecta of civil liability. It's like hitting the jackpot, but you win shame and disgrace instead of money. Authoritarianism's Biggest Fan: Dictators Are People Too While some politicians champion democracy like it's going out of style, Trump is busy giving standing ovations to the world's dictators. He's never met an authoritarian he didn't like — Viktor Orban, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un — Trump collects dictator friendships like Pokemon cards. The Choice is Clear... as Mud So, there you have it, folks. On one side, we have the current President, who's been in Washington long enough to know how it works (or doesn't). On the other hand, we have Donald Trump, a man who has made more court appearances than most of his lawyers. Democracy: Just a Suggestion, Really Trump seems to view democracy as more of a suggestion than a system of government. His lawyers have argued that he should have absolute immunity for any actions taken as President, even if they include ordering the assassination of a political rival. Nothing says "democracy" like arguing for the divine right of presidents, eh? The "Only Day One" Dictator: A Limited Time Offer! Trump has graciously assured us that he'll only be a dictator on "day one" of his presidency. After that, it's back to regular programming. Because who doesn't want a 24-hour dictatorial fire sale? It's like Black Friday for authoritarianism! The Art of the Plea Deal Trump's co-defendants are turning faster than a carousel on amphetamines. But don't worry, I'm sure they're all doing it out of the goodness of their hearts and not because they're facing serious jail time. Loyalty is Trump's middle name, after all. (It's John, but let's not let facts get in the way of a good narrative.) The Supreme Court: Trump's Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card? Trump's banking on the Supreme Court to save him from prosecution. Nothing says "equal justice under the law," like hoping the justices you appointed will return the favor, right? The Voter's Dilemma: Fool Me Once, Shame on You; Fool Me Twice... If you're considering voting for Trump, remember that old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." However, in Trump's case, it's more like, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 91 times (and counting), and I might want to consider a brain scan." The Grand Finale: Democracy's Last Stand (Maybe) As we approach this political circus's main event, remember: your vote is your voice. Use it wisely. Or don't. After all, what's the worst that could happen? (Please don't answer that. I'm afraid to know.) In the immortal words of H.L. Mencken, "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard." So, buckle up, America. It's going to be a bumpy ride. A Modest Proposal Perhaps we should consider a new approach to our electoral process. Instead of all this messy voting business, why don't we just crown Trump king and be done with it? We could have a lovely coronation ceremony at Mar-a-Lago, with golden thrones and everything. Think of the ratings! Or better yet, why don't we turn the whole thing into a reality TV show? We could call it "America's Next Top Autocrat." Contestants could compete in challenges like "Best Border Wall Design," "Most Creative Use of Executive Orders," and "Dictator Cosplay." The winner gets to be President for four years or until they're impeached, whichever comes first. Finally, the Choice is Yours (Sort of) As we stumble towards another election, remember that your vote matters. It matters so much that Republicans are working hard to ensure you can't use it. So, exercise your right to vote while you still can. After all, democracy is like a muscle — if you don't use it, you lose it. 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