(C) Daily Kos This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered. . . . . . . . . . . An Overpass For Martha Ann/The Alitos In Heaven/Jesus Says Like & Subscribe [1] ['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.'] Date: 2024-07-01 The Alitos In Heaven A pastoral landscape on a gorgeous afternoon: hills of clover dotted with sheep under an azure sky dotted with clouds. From a distance we see three figures by the edge of a shimmering lake. One stands in white robes, one in black, sitting at a table. A woman dressed in gold dances in constant motion between them. As the camera slowly zooms in we see the figure in white robes, standing and smiling beatifically is Jesus Christ. The one in black robes, seated and staring off in quiet contemplation is Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito and the woman in gold is his wife, Martha Ann, dancing in the throes of what looks to be religious ecstacy, her voice repeating in rapidfire staccato the name ”Jesus” over and over. Onscreen titles tell us the time is 4:00 p.m. and the place is Heaven. Martha Ann falls to the ground, spent. Her chanting fades to a mumble and finally gives in to her need for oxygen and taking deep breaths Sam Alito has not moved at all, but we can see his lips have silently taken up his wife’s chant. Jesus continues smiling beatifically and onscreen titles tell us the date is Tuesday, May 17th. As his wife regains her breath and softly resumes chanting the name of the Savior, Sam Alito’s lips stop moving and he returns to what’s begun looking less like contemplation and more like catatonia. But first, he appears to say something - a single word, possibly just “no.” A single tear wells and then spills from one eye and begins its slow journey downward. Martha Ann gets back to her feet and begins chanting Jesus’ name more loudly. Jesus chuckles and says “That’s my name…” and Martha Ann responds with startling immediacy: an almost vicious growl of “Don’t You…” followed by shrieking the word “DARE!” as loud as she can to drown out her Savior’s cheery “Don’t wear it out!” Martha Ann screams twice more to make sure she hears no part of it, then returns to saying “Jesus Jesus Jesus” only now interspersed with “boring boring boring…” and resumes waving her arms and continuing a song and dance not of religious ecstasy, but the perpetual motion and echolalia of someone desperate for distraction. The camera pulls back to reveal that she’s also knee-deep in a large figure 8 shaped trench that she’s carved over years with her footfalls. Jesus comments dryly “No, I mean seriously: Don’t wear it out.” and Martha Ann shrieks in anguish. With sudden and horrifying violence Justice Alito slams his forehead into the thick marble tabletop in front of him with the force and conviction of someone absolutely committed to ending their life. Face down and motionless, it appears he’s succeeded, disputed only in that neither Jesus nor Martha Ann appear the least bit fazed by it. Slowly and reluctantly, Justice Alito lifts his head to reveal he is entirely unharmed and his face is unchanged except for a discernible look of disappointment and another tear tracing the path of the first. The camera zooms in on the tear, following it down his cheek and then as it drops from his face. With microscopic focus we see the tear splash onto the tabletop at the edge of what appears to be a concavity worn into the marble. The appalling size and depth of the concavity is slowly revealed as the camera follows the teardrop down its slope until finally coming to rest. Onscreen titles inform us that the year is 47,455. Side view. Installation time: about ten minutes. Cut to Jesus, who steps out of scene to address the camera directly. JESUS: Awww, look at those two, wouldya? Crazy Kids! Young Love... Am I right? What you’ve just seen is a dramatization of what can happen when highly consequential and far reaching decisions are made on the strength of gibberish, dogma and fairy tales. It’s time to take a look at some hard truths about Eternal Life. Hi, It’s me, Jesus. Some of you know me as your Personal Savior, or The Messiah. You may know me as the Prince of Peace, The Way and the Light, One True Path, Son-of-God, or Divine Spirit-watching-over-you-for-the-last-2000-years… Or maybe all you know about me is that I’m a guy who looks like this. You, along with millions of others around the world are united in a fellowship called “People who are wrong.” I am not your personal savior — I don’t even know what that means. I’m not the Messiah, the way, light, path, son of God, or a guy who ever looked anything even close to this. I most certainly have not been watching over you for the last two thousand years and to be honest I hadn’t even thought about you guys until last week. There are other planets with civilizations you know…(awkward pause) Oops. My Bad. Forget I said that. Anyway, all those miracle babies, close calls and last minute sports victories? All yours: I had nothing to do with them. And for the last two thousand years, you wanna know what else I had nothing to do with? Everything. All the wars and land-grabs and raping and killing you assholes kept pinning on me and claiming were somehow my idea? Fuck you. I gave you the sermon on the mount and that’s pretty much it okay? Wanna know what I finally got around to reading about this morning? The Spanish-Fucking-Inquisition. So if I sound pissed off that’s why. I mean, how y’all managed to get from one to the other I will never know. I know Matthew didn’t do the greatest job remembering what I said, but it wasn’t that bad. But since I only now just read the Gospels myself I’m willing to cut you some slack. Or what would they say? ‘Unto you some slack I shall willingly cut?’ Whatever. Who the hell talks like that anyway? Here’s what I thought about the New Testament. I wasn’t crazy about the title, and it was pretty much all downhill from there. But since I read the whole thing thinking “this is certainly new to me!” I guess the title’s okay. Here’s the most important lesson of the Gospels: If you’ve got a message for humanity, write it down. Don’t leave it up to a bunch of bozos following you around. Even if it’s just a short note. I think if I’d just left a note things would’ve turned out much better. I’m not sure what I’d have written, but just ending it with “P.S.: My apostles are idiots. Don’t believe anything they say...” would’ve solved a lot of problems. They sure knew how to make a best seller though, I’ll give them that: “How to Live Forever Without Changing Your Diet Or Exercising!” Let me be clear about this: the only time I ever brought up eternal life to those guys was once or twice when I was drunk and pissed off at them and I was using it as a threat and they all knew it. Some of them were kinda stupid, but they all knew basic math. And in order to think living forever is any kind of an option you’ve gotta be both stupid and really suck at math. And look, there’s really only one reason anyone wants to live forever and that’s because they’re afraid of dying. I get that. But that’s a really really long term solution to a very short term problem. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, just that it’s not something you do on a whim. You’ve got to think it through. Not just as individuals but also as a species. If you don’t establish some kind of vetting process in the future all anyone’s gonna know about human beings is that they’re stupid cowards who are bad at math. At best. Because chances are they’ll also be bored to the point of insanity, hate everything about existence, perpetually suicidal and really, really bad at it. That’s not the kind of lasting legacy you want to have. We’re almost done here and I really urge you to replay this and have another look at the Alitos forty-five thousand years from now. Because that’s just the beginning. There’s another hundred fifty thousand years after that, four hundred thousand after that and then another one hundred and eighty billion trillion gazillion years after that and technically that’s still just the beginning. I know a lot of you are disappointed I’m not here to bring you eternal life, in fact, the reason I came back here was in order to save you from eternal life. Also the pressure to start a podcast had just become overwhelming. So be sure to join me next week when I’m hoping to have as my guest Martha Ann Alito to tell us all about her views on homosexuality, flag warfare and how I became a part of it. Also, I’ll be talking about Heaven, what it takes to get there and what it’s really like… (It’s a helluva party!) Until then, this is Jesus Christ, NOT the son of God, King of Kings or your Personal Savior. But with your help I’m hoping to become your Host of Podcast Hosts so be sure to hit Like and Subscribe and we’ll see you next week on “Guess Who’s Second Coming To Dinner?” Signs from June 2024 [END] --- [1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2024/7/1/2246406/-An-Overpass-For-Martha-Ann-The-Alitos-In-Heaven-Jesus-Says-Like-Subscribe?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=trending&pm_medium=web Published and (C) by Daily Kos Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified. via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds: gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/