NOTE.
Like many of Swift's satirical writings the title of this tract
is
no indication to its subject-matter. Whatever “abuses,
corruptions
and enormities” may have been rife in the city of Dublin in
Swift's
time, the pamphlet which follows certainly throws no light on
them.
It is in no sense a social document. But it is a very amusing
and
excellent piece of jeering at the fancied apprehensions that
were
rife about the Pretender, the “disaffected” people, and the
Jacobites. It is aimed at the Whigs, who were continually
using the
party cries of “No Popery,” “Jacobitism,” and the other
cognate
expressions to distress their political opponents. At the same
time, these cries had their effects, and created a great deal
of
mischief. The Roman Catholics, in particular, were cruelly
treated
because of the anxiety for the Protestant succession, and
among the
lower tradesmen, for whom such cries would be of serious
meaning, a
petty persecution against their Roman Catholic
fellow-tradesmen
continually prevailed. Monck Mason draws attention to some
curious
instances. (See his “History of St. Patrick's Cathedral,” p.
399,
note y.)
In the “Journals of the Irish House of Commons” (vol. ii., p.
77)
is the record of a petition presented in the year 1695, by the
Protestant porters of the city of Dublin, against one Darby
Ryan,
“a papist and notoriously disaffected.” This Ryan was
complained of
for employing those of his own persuasion and affection to
carry a
cargo of coals he had bought, to his own customers. The
petitioners
complained that they, Protestants, were “debased and hindered
from
their small trade and gains.” Another set of petitioners was
the
drivers of hackney coaches. They complained that, “before the
late
trouble, they got a livelihood by driving coaches in and about
the
city of Dublin, but since that time, so many papists had got
coaches, and drove them with such ordinary horses, that the
petitioners could hardly get bread.... They therefore prayed
the
house that none but Protestant hackney-coachmen may have
liberty to
keep and drive hackney-coaches.” Swift may have had these
instances
in his mind when he urges that the criers who cry their wares
in
Dublin should be True Protestants, and should give security to
the
government for permission to cry.
In a country where such absurd complaints could be seriously
presented, and as seriously considered, a genuine apprehension
must
have existed. The Whigs in making capital out of this existing
feeling stigmatized their Tory opponents as High Churchmen,
and
therefore very little removed from Papists, and therefore
Jacobites. Of course there were no real grounds for such
epithets,
but they indulged in them nevertheless, with the addition of
insinuations and suggestions—no insinuation being too feeble
or
too far-fetched so long as it served.
Swift, writing in the person of a Whig, affects extreme anxiety
for
the most ridiculous of signs, and finds a Papist, or a
Jacobite,
or a disaffected person, in the least likely of places. The
tract,
in this light, is a really amusing piece. Swift takes the
opportunity also to hit Walpole, under a pretended censure of
his
extravagance, corruption, and avarice.
* * * * *
The text here given of this tract is based on that of the
original
edition issued in Dublin in 1732. The last paragraph, however,
does
not appear in that edition, and is reprinted here from Scott.
[T. S.]
AN
EXAMINATION
OF CERTAIN
Abuses, Corruptions,
AND
ENORMITIES
IN THE
City of DUBLIN.
[Illustration]
Dublin: Printed in the Year 1732.
Nothing is held more commendable in all great cities, especially the
metropolis of a kingdom, than what the French call the police; by which
word is meant the government thereof, to prevent the many disorders
occasioned by great numbers of people and carriages, especially through
narrow streets. In this government our famous City of Dublin is said to
be very defective, and universally complained of. Many wholesome laws
have been enacted to correct those abuses, but are ill executed; and
many more are wanting, which I hope the united wisdom of the nation
(whereof so many good effects have already appeared this session) will
soon take into their most profound consideration.
As I have been always watchful over the good of mine own country,
and particularly for that of our renowned city, where (absit invidia
) I had the honour to draw my first breath[173]; I cannot have a
minute's ease or patience to forbear enumerating some of the greatest
enormities, abuses, and corruptions, spread almost through every part
of Dublin; and proposing such remedies as, I hope, the legislature will
approve of.
The narrow compass to which I have confined myself in this paper,
will allow me only to touch at the most important defects, and such as
I think seem to require the most speedy redress.
And first, perhaps there was never known a wiser institution than
that of allowing certain persons of both sexes, in large and populous
cities, to cry through the streets many necessaries of life; it would
be endless to recount the conveniences which our city enjoys by this
useful invention, and particularly strangers, forced hither by
business, who reside here but a short time; for, these having usually
but little money, and being wholly ignorant of the town, might at an
easy price purchase a tolerable dinner, if the several criers would
pronounce the names of the goods they have to sell, in any tolerable
language. And therefore till our law-makers shall think it proper to
interpose so far as to make these traders pronounce their words in such
terms, that a plain Christian hearer may comprehend what is cried, I
would advise all new comers to look out at their garret windows, and
there see whether the thing that is cried be tripes or flummery,
butter-milk or cow-heels. For, as things are now managed, how is it
possible for an honest countryman, just arrived, to find out what is
meant, for instance, by the following words, with which his ears are
constantly stunned twice a day, “Mugs, jugs and porringers, up in the
garret, and down in the cellar.” I say, how is it possible for any
stranger to understand that this jargon is meant as an invitation to
buy a farthing's worth of milk for his breakfast or supper, unless his
curiosity draws him to the window, or till his landlady shall inform
him. I produce this only as one instance, among a hundred much worse, I
mean where the words make a sound wholly inarticulate, which give so
much disturbance, and so little information.
The affirmation solemnly made in the cry of herrings, is directly
against all truth and probability, “Herrings alive, alive here.” The
very proverb will convince us of this; for what is more frequent in
ordinary speech, than to say of some neighbour for whom the
passing-bell rings, that he is dead as a herring. And, pray how is it
possible, that a herring, which as philosophers observe, cannot live
longer than one minute, three seconds and a half out of water, should
bear a voyage in open boats from Howth to Dublin, be tossed into twenty
hands, and preserve its life in sieves for several hours. Nay, we have
witnesses ready to produce, that many thousands of these herrings, so
impudently asserted to be alive, have been a day and a night upon dry
land. But this is not the worst. What can we think of those impious
wretches, who dare in the face of the sun, vouch the very same
affirmative of their salmon, and cry, “Salmon alive, alive;” whereas,
if you call the woman who cries it, she is not ashamed to turn back her
mantle, and shew you this individual salmon cut into a dozen pieces. I
have given good advice to these infamous disgracers of their sex and
calling, without the least appearance of remorse, and fully against the
conviction of their own consciences. I have mentioned this grievance to
several of our parish ministers, but all in vain; so that it must
continue until the government shall think fit to interpose.
There is another cry, which, from the strictest observation I can
make, appears to be very modern, and it is that of sweethearts,[174]
and is plainly intended for a reflection upon the female sex, as if
there were at present so great a dearth of lovers, that the women
instead of receiving presents from men, were now forced to offer money,
to purchase sweethearts. Neither am I sure, that the cry doth not
glance at some disaffection against the government; insinuating, that
while so many of our troops are engaged in foreign service, and such a
great number of our gallant officers constantly reside in England, the
ladies are forced to take up with parsons and attorneys: But, this is a
most unjust reflection, as may soon be proved by any person who
frequents the Castle, our public walks, our balls and assemblies, where
the crowds of toupees[175] were never known to swarm as they do
at present.
There is a cry, peculiar to this City, which I do not remember to
have been used in London, or at least, not in the same terms that it
has been practised by both parties, during each of their power; but,
very unjustly by the Tories. While these were at the helm, they grew
daily more and more impatient to put all true Whigs and Hanoverians out
of employments. To effect which, they hired certain ordinary fellows,
with large baskets on their shoulders, to call aloud at every house,
“Dirt to carry out;” giving that denomination to our whole party, as if
they would signify, that the kingdom could never be cleansed, till we
were swept from the earth like rubbish. But, since that happy turn of
times, when we were so miraculously preserved by just an inch, from
Popery, slavery, massacre, and the Pretender, I must own it prudence in
us, still to go on with the same cry, which hath ever since been so
effectually observed, that the true political dirt is wholly removed,
and thrown on its proper dunghills, there to corrupt, and be no more
heard of.
But, to proceed to other enormities: Every person who walks the
streets, must needs observe the immense number of human excrements at
the doors and steps of waste houses, and at the sides of every dead
wall; for which the disaffected party have assigned a very false and
malicious cause. They would have it, that these heaps were laid there
privately by British fundaments, to make the world believe, that our
Irish vulgar do daily eat and drink; and, consequently, that the
clamour of poverty among us, must be false, proceeding only from
Jacobites and Papists. They would confirm this, by pretending to
observe, that a British anus being more narrowly perforated than one of
our own country; and many of these excrements upon a strict view
appearing copple crowned, with a point like a cone or pyramid, are
easily distinguished from the Hibernian, which lie much flatter, and
with lest continuity. I communicated this conjecture to an eminent
physician, who is well versed in such profound speculations; and at my
request was pleased to make trial with each of his fingers, by
thrusting them into the anus of several persons of both nations, and
professed he could find no such difference between them as those
ill-disposed people allege. On the contrary, he assured me, that much
the greater number of narrow cavities were of Hibernian origin. This I
only mention to shew how ready the Jacobites are to lay hold of any
handle to express their malice against the government. I had almost
forgot to add, that my friend the physician could, by smelling each
finger, distinguish the Hibernian excrement from the British, and was
not above twice mistaken in an hundred experiments; upon which he
intends very soon to publish a learned dissertation.
There is a diversion in this City, which usually begins among the
butchers, but is often continued by a succession of other people,
through many streets. It is called the COSSING of a dog; and I may
justly number it among our corruptions. The ceremony is this: A strange
dog happens to pass through a flesh-market; whereupon an expert butcher
immediately cries in a loud voice, and the proper tone, “Coss, coss,”
several times: The same word is repeated by the people. The dog, who
perfectly understands the terms of art, and consequently the danger he
is in, immediately flies. The people, and even his own brother animals
pursue; the pursuit and cry attend him perhaps half a mile; he is well
worried in his flight, and sometimes hardly escapes. This, our
ill-wishers of the Jacobite kind, are pleased to call a persecution;
and affirm, that it always falls upon dogs of the Tory principle. But,
we can well defend ourselves, by justly alleging that when they were
uppermost, they treated our dogs full as inhumanly: As to my own part,
who have in former times often attended these processions, although I
can very well distinguish between a Whig and Tory dog, yet I never
carried my resentments very far upon a party principle, except it were
against certain malicious dogs, who most discovered their malice
against us in the worst of times.[176] And, I remember too well,
that in the wicked ministry of the Earl of Oxford, a large mastiff of
our party being unmercifully cossed, ran, without thinking, between my
legs, as I was coming up Fishamble Street; and, as I am of low stature,
with very short legs, bore me riding backwards down the hill, for above
two hundred yards: And, although I made use of his tail for a bridle,
holding it fast with both my hands, and clung my legs as close to his
sides as I could, yet we both came down together into the middle of the
kennel; where after rolling three or four times over each other, I got
up with much ado, amid the shouts and huzzas of a thousand malicious
Jacobites: I cannot, indeed, but gratefully acknowledge, that for this
and many other services and sufferings, I have been since more than
over-paid.
This adventure may, perhaps, have put me out of love with the
diversions of cossing, which I confess myself an enemy to, unless we
could always be sure of distinguishing Tory dogs; whereof great numbers
have since been so prudent, as entirely to change their principles, and
are now justly esteemed the best worriers of their former friends.
I am assured, and partly know, that all the chimney-sweepers' boys,
where Members of Parliament chiefly lodge, are hired by our enemies to
skulk in the tops of chimneys, with their heads no higher than will
just permit them to look round; and at the usual hours when members are
going to the House, if they see a coach stand near the lodging of any
loyal member, they call “Coach, coach,” as loud as they can bawl, just
at the instant when the footman begins to give the same call. And this
is chiefly done on those days, when any point of importance is to be
debated. This practice may be of very dangerous consequence. For, these
boys are all hired by enemies to the government; and thus, by the
absence of a few members for a few minutes, a question may be carried
against the true interest of the kingdom, and very probably, not
without any eye toward the Pretender.
I have not observed the wit and fancy of this town, so much employed
in any one article, as that of contriving variety of signs to hang over
houses, where punch is to be sold. The bowl is represented full of
punch, the ladle stands erect in the middle, supported sometimes by
one, and sometimes by two animals, whose feet rest upon the edge of the
bowl. These animals are sometimes one black lion, and sometimes a
couple; sometimes a single eagle, and sometimes a spread one, and we
often meet a crow, a swan, a bear, or a cock, in the same posture.
Now, I cannot find how any of these animals, either separate, or in
conjunction, are properly speaking, either fit emblems or
embellishments, to advance the sale of punch. Besides, it is agreed
among naturalists, that no brute can endure the taste of strong liquor,
except where he hath been used to it from his infancy: And,
consequently, it is against all the rules of hieroglyph, to assign
those animals as patrons, or protectors of punch. For, in that case, we
ought to suppose, that the host keeps always ready the real bird, or
beast, whereof the picture hangs over his door, to entertain his guest;
which, however, to my knowledge, is not true in fact. For not one of
those birds is a proper companion for a Christian, as to aiding and
assisting in making the punch. For the birds, as they are drawn upon
the sign, are much more likely to mute, or shed their feathers into the
liquor. Then, as to the bear, he is too terrible, awkward, and slovenly
a companion to converse with; neither are any of them at all, handy
enough to fill liquor to the company: I do, therefore, vehemently
suspect a plot intended against the Government, by these devices. For,
although the spread-eagle be the arms of Germany, upon which account it
may possibly be a lawful Protestant sign; yet I, who am very suspicious
of fair outsides, in a matter which so nearly concerns our welfare,
cannot but call to mind, that the Pretender's wife is said to be of
German birth: And that many Popish Princes, in so vast an extent of
land, are reported to excel both at making and drinking punch. Besides,
it is plain, that the spread-eagle exhibits to us the perfect figure of
a cross, which is a badge of Popery. Then, as to the cock, he is well
known to represent the French nation, our old and dangerous enemy. The
swan, who must of necessity cover the entire bowl with his wings, can
be no other than the Spaniard, who endeavours to engross all the
treasures of the Indies to himself. The lion is indeed, the common
emblem of Royal power, as well as the arms of England; but to paint him
black, is perfect Jacobitism, and a manifest type of those who blacken
the actions of the best Princes. It is not easy to distinguish, whether
the other fowl painted over the punch-bowl, be a crow or raven? It is
true, they have both been held ominous birds; but I rather take it to
be the former; because it is the disposition of a crow, to pick out the
eyes of other creatures; and often even of Christians, after they are
dead; and is therefore drawn here, with a design to put the Jacobites
in mind of their old practice, first to lull us asleep, (which is an
emblem of Death) and then to blind our eyes, that we may not see their
dangerous practices against the State.
To speak my private opinion, the least offensive picture in the
whole set, seems to be the bear; because he represents ursa major, or the Great Bear, who presides over the North, where the Reformation
first began, and which, next to Britain, (including Scotland and the
north of Ireland) is the great protector of the Protestant religion.
But, however, in those signs where I observe the bear to be chained, I
can't help surmising a Jacobite contrivance, by which these traitors
hint an earnest desire of using all true Whigs, as the predecessors did
the primitive Christians; I mean, to represent us as bears, and then
halloo their Tory dogs to bait us to death.
Thus I have given a fair account of what I dislike, in all those
signs set over those houses that invite us to punch: I own it was a
matter that did not need explaining, being so very obvious to the most
common understanding. Yet, I know not how it happens, but methinks
there seems a fatal blindness, to overspread our corporeal eyes, as
well as our intellectual; and I heartily wish, I may be found a false
prophet; for, these are not bare suspicions, but manifest
demonstrations.
Therefore, away with those Popish, Jacobite, and idolatrous
gew-gaws. And I heartily wish a law were enacted, under severe
penalties, against drinking any punch at all. For nothing is easier,
than to prove it a disaffected liquor. The chief ingredients, which are
brandy, oranges, and lemons, are all sent us from Popish countries; and
nothing remains of Protestant growth but sugar and water. For, as to
biscuit, which formerly was held a necessary ingredient, and is truly
British, we find it is entirely rejected.
But I will put the truth of my assertion, past all doubt: I mean,
that this liquor is by one important innovation, grown of ill example,
and dangerous consequence to the public. It is well known, that, by the
true original institution of making punch, left us by Captain
Ratcliffe, the sharpness is only occasioned by the juice of lemons, and
so continued till after the happy Revolution. Oranges, alas! are a mere
innovation, and in a manner but of yesterday. It was the politics of
Jacobites to introduce them gradually: And, to what intent? The thing
speaks itself. It was cunningly to shew their virulence against his
sacred Majesty King William, of ever glorious and immortal memory. But
of late, (to shew how fast disloyalty increaseth) they came from one or
two, and then to three oranges; nay, at present we often find punch
made all with oranges, and not one single lemon. For the Jacobites,
before the death of that immortal Prince, had, by a superstition,
formed a private prayer, that, as they squeezed the orange, so might
that Protestant King be squeezed to death[177]: According to that known
sorcery described by Virgil,
Limus ut hic durescit, et hæc ut cera liquescit, &c.
[Ecl. viii. 80.]
And, thus the Romans, when they sacrificed an ox, used this kind of
prayer. “As I knock down this ox, so may thou, O Jupiter, knock down
our enemies.” In like manner, after King William's death, whenever a
Jacobite squeezed an orange, he had a mental curse upon the “glorious
memory,” and a hearty wish for power to squeeze all his Majesty's
friends to death, as he squeezed that orange, which bore one of his
titles, as he was Prince of Orange. This I do affirm for truth; many of
that faction having confessed it to me, under an oath of secrecy;
which, however, I thought it my duty not to keep, when I saw my dear
country in danger. But, what better can be expected from an impious set
of men, who never scruple to drink confusion to all true
Protestants, under the name of Whigs? a most unchristian and inhuman
practice, which, to our great honour and comfort, was never charged
upon us, even by our most malicious detractors.
The sign of two angels, hovering in the air, and with their right
hands supporting a crown, is met with in several parts of this city;
and hath often given me great offence: For, whether by the
unskilfulness, or dangerous principles of the painters, (although I
have good reasons to suspect the latter) those angels are usually drawn
with such horrid countenances, that they give great offence to every
loyal eye, and equal cause of triumph to the Jacobites being a most
infamous reflection upon our most able and excellent ministry.
I now return to that great enormity of our city cries; most of which
we have borrowed from London. I shall consider them only in a political
view, as they nearly affect the peace and safety of both kingdoms; and
having been originally contrived by wicked Machiavels, to bring in
Popery, slavery, and arbitrary power, by defeating the Protestant
Succession, and introducing the Pretender, ought, in justice, to be
here laid open to the world.
About two or three months after the happy Revolution, all persons
who possessed any employment, or office, in Church or State, were
obliged by an Act of Parliament, to take the oaths to King William and
Queen Mary: And a great number of disaffected persons, refusing to take
the said oaths, from a pretended scruple of conscience, but really from
a spirit of Popery and rebellion, they contrived a plot, to make the
swearing to those Princes odious in the eyes of the people. To this
end, they hired certain women of ill fame, but loud shrill voices,
under pretence of selling fish, to go through the streets, with sieves
on their heads, and cry, “Buy my soul, buy my soul;” plainly
insinuating, that all those who swore to King William, were just ready
to sell their souls for an employment. This cry was revived at the
death of Queen Anne, and, I hear, still continues in London, with great
offence to all true Protestants; but, to our great happiness, seems to
be almost dropped in Dublin.
But, because I altogether contemn the displeasure and resentment of
high-fliers, Tories, and Jacobites, whom I look upon to be worse even
than professed Papists, I do here declare, that those evils which I am
going to mention, were all brought in upon us in the worst of times, under the late Earl of Oxford's administration, during the four last
years of Queen Anne's reign. That wicked minister was universally
known to be a Papist in his heart. He was of a most avaricious nature,
and is said to have died worth four millions, sterl.[178] besides his
vast expenses in building, statues, gold plate, jewels, and other
costly rarities. He was of a mean obscure birth, from the very dregs of
the people, and so illiterate, that he could hardly read a paper at the
council table. I forbear to touch at his open, profane, profligate
life; because I desire not to rake into the ashes of the dead, and
therefore I shall observe this wise maxim: De mortuis nil nisi
bonum.
This flagitious man, in order to compass his black designs, employed
certain wicked instruments (which great statesmen are never without) to
adapt several London cries, in such a manner as would best answer his
ends. And, whereas it was upon grounds grievously suspected, that all
places at Court were sold to the highest bidder: Certain women were
employed by his emissaries, to carry fish in baskets on their heads,
and bawl through the streets, “Buy my fresh places.” I must, indeed,
own that other women used the same cry, who were innocent of this
wicked design, and really sold their fish of that denomination to get
an honest livelihood; but the rest, who were in the secret, although
they carried fish in their sieves or baskets, to save appearances; yet
they had likewise, a certain sign, somewhat resembling that of the
free-masons, which the purchasers of places knew well enough, and were
directed by the women whither they were to resort, and make their
purchase. And, I remember very well, how oddly it looked, when we
observed many gentlemen finely dressed, about the Court end of the
town, and as far as York Buildings, where the Lord Treasurer Oxford
dwelt, calling the women who cried “Buy my fresh places,” and talking
to them in the corner of a street, after they understood each other's
sign: But we never could observe that any fish was bought.
Some years before the cries last mentioned, the Duke of Savoy was
reported to have made certain overtures to the Court of England, for
admitting his eldest son by the Duchess of Orleans's daughter, to
succeed to the Crown, as next heir, upon the Pretender's being
rejected, and that son was immediately to turn Protestant. It was
confidently reported, that great numbers of people disaffected to the
then illustrious but now Royal House of Hanover, were in those
measures. Whereupon another set of women were hired by the Jacobite
leaders, to cry through the whole town, “Buy my Savoys, dainty Savoys,
curious Savoys.” But, I cannot directly charge the late Earl of Oxford
with this conspiracy, because he was not then chief Minister. However,
the wicked cry still continues in London, and was brought over hither,
where it remains to this day, and in my humble opinion, a very
offensive sound to every true Protestant, who is old enough to remember
those dangerous times.
During the Ministry of that corrupt and Jacobite earl
above-mentioned, the secret pernicious design of those in power, was to
sell Flanders to France; the consequence of which, must have been the
infallible ruin of the States-General, and would have opened the way
for France to obtain that universal monarchy, after which they have so
long aspired; to which the British dominions must next, after Holland,
have been compelled to submit, and the Protestant religion would be
rooted out of the world.
A design of this vast importance, after long consultation among the
Jacobite grandees, with the Earl of Oxford at their head, was at last
determined to be carried on by the same method with the former; it was
therefore again put in practice; but the conduct of it was chiefly left
to chosen men, whose voices were louder and stronger than those of the
other sex. And upon this occasion, was first instituted in London, that
famous cry of “FLOUNDERS.” But the criers were particularly directed to
pronounce the word “Flaunders,” and not “Flounders.” For, the country
which we now by corruption call Flanders, is in its true orthography
spelt Flaunders, as may be obvious to all who read old English books. I
say, from hence begun that thundering cry, which hath ever since
stunned the ears of all London, made so many children fall into fits,
and women miscarry; “Come buy my fresh flaunders, curious flaunders,
charming flaunders, alive, alive, ho;” which last words can with no
propriety of speech be applied to fish manifestly dead, (as I observed
before in herrings and salmon) but very justly to ten provinces, which
contain many millions of living Christians. And the application is
still closer, when we consider that all the people were to be taken
like fishes in a net; and, by assistance of the Pope, who sets up to be
the universal Fisher of Men, the whole innocent nation, was, according
to our common expression, to be “laid as flat as a flounder.”
I remember, myself, a particular crier of flounders in London, who
arrived at so much fame for the loudness of his voice, that he had the
honour to be mentioned upon that account, in a comedy. He hath
disturbed me many a morning, before he came within fifty doors of my
lodging. And although I were not in those days so fully apprized of the
designs, which our common enemy had then in agitation, yet, I know not
how, by a secret impulse, young as I was, I could not forbear
conceiving a strong dislike against the fellow; and often said to
myself, “This cry seems to be forged in the Jesuits' school. Alas, poor
England! I am grievously mistaken if there be not some Popish Plot at
the bottom.” I communicated my thoughts to an intimate friend, who
reproached me with being too visionary in my speculations: But, it
proved afterwards, that I conjectured right. And I have often since
reflected, that if the wicked faction could have procured only a
thousand men, of as strong lungs as the fellow I mentioned, none can
tell how terrible the consequences might have been, not only to these
two Kingdoms, but over all Europe, by selling Flanders to France. And
yet these cries continue unpunished, both in London and Dublin,
although I confess, not with equal vehemency or loudness, because the
reason for contriving this desperate plot, is, to our great felicity,
wholly ceased.
It is well known, that the majority of the British House of Commons
in the last years of Queen Anne's reign, were in their hearts directly
opposite to the Earl of Oxford's pernicious measures; which put him
under the necessity of bribing them with salaries. Whereupon he had
again recourse to his old politics. And accordingly, his emissaries
were very busy in employing certain artful women of no good life or
conversation, (as it was fully proved before Justice Peyton) to cry
that vegetable commonly called celery, through the town. These women
differed from the common criers of that herb, by some private mark
which I could never learn; but the matter was notorious enough, and
sufficiently talked of, and about the same period was the cry of celery
brought over into this kingdom. But since there is not at this present,
the least occasion to suspect the loyalty of our criers upon that
article, I am content that it may still be tolerated.
I shall mention but one cry more, which hath any reference to
politics; but is indeed, of all others the most insolent, as well as
treasonable, under our present happy Establishment. I mean that of
turnups; not of turnips, according to the best orthography, but
absolutely turnups. Although this cry be of an older date than some of
the preceding enormities, for it began soon after the Revolution; yet
was it never known to arrive at so great a height, as during the Earl
of Oxford's power. Some people, (whom I take to be private enemies)
are, indeed, as ready as myself to profess their disapprobation of this
cry, on pretence that it began by the contrivance of certain old
procuresses, who kept houses of ill-fame, where lewd women met to draw
young men into vice. And this they pretend to prove by some words in
the cry; because, after the crier had bawled out, “Turnups, ho, buy my
dainty turnups,” he would sometimes add the two following verses:—
“Turn up the mistress, and turn up the maid,
And turn up the daughter, and be not afraid.”
This, say some political sophists, plainly shews that there can be
nothing further meant in this infamous cry, than an invitation to
lewdness, which indeed, ought to be severely punished in all
well-regulated Governments; but cannot be fairly interpreted as a crime
of State. But, I hope, we are not so weak and blind to be deluded at
this time of day, with such poor evasions. I could, if it were proper,
demonstrate the very time when those two verses were composed, and name
the author, who was no other than the famous Mr. Swan, so well known
for his talent at quibbling, and was as virulent a Jacobite as any in
England. Neither could he deny the fact, when he was taxed for it in my
presence by Sir Harry Button-Colt, and Colonel Davenport, at the Smyrna
coffee-house, on the 10th of June, 1701. Thus it appears to a
demonstration, that those verses were only a blind to conceal the most
dangerous designs of that party, who from the first years after the
happy Revolution, used a cant way of talking in their clubs after this
manner: “We hope, to see the cards shuffled once more, and another king
TURN UP trump:” And, “When shall we meet over a dish of TURNUPS?” The
same term of art was used in their plots against the government, and in
their treasonable letters writ in ciphers, and deciphered by the famous
Dr. Wallis, as you may read in the trials of those times. This I
thought fit to set forth at large, and in so clear a light, because the
Scotch and French authors have given a very different account of the
word TURNUP, but whether out of ignorance or partiality I shall not
decree; because I am sure, the reader is convinced by my discovery. It
is to be observed, that this cry was sung in a particular manner by
fellows in disguise, to give notice where those traitors were to meet,
in order to concert their villainous designs.
I have no more to add upon this article, than an humble proposal,
that those who cry this root at present in our streets of Dublin, may
be compelled by the justices of the peace, to pronounce turnip, and not
turnup; for, I am afraid, we have still too many snakes in our bosom;
and it would be well if their cellars were sometimes searched, when the
owners least expect it; for I am not out of fear that latet anguis
in herbâ.
Thus, we are zealous in matters of small moment, while we neglect
those of the highest importance. I have already made it manifest, that
all these cries were contrived in the worst of times, under the
ministry of that desperate statesman, Robert, late Earl of Oxford, and
for that very reason ought to be rejected with horror, as begun in the
reign of Jacobites, and may well be numbered among the rags of Popery
and treason: Or if it be thought proper, that these cries must
continue, surely they ought to be only trusted in the hands of true
Protestants, who have given security to the government.
[Having already spoken of many abuses relating to signposts, I
cannot here omit one more, because it plainly relates to politics; and
is, perhaps, of more dangerous consequence than any of the city cries,
because it directly tends to destroy the succession. It is the sign of
his present Majesty King George the Second, to be met with in many
streets; and yet I happen to be not only the first, but the only,
discoverer of this audacious instance of Jacobitism. And I am
confident, that, if the justices of the peace would please to make a
strict inspection, they might find, in all such houses, before which
those signs are hung up in the manner I have observed, that the
landlords were malignant Papists, or, which is worse, notorious
Jacobites. Whoever views those signs, may read, over his Majesty's
head, the following letters and ciphers, G. R. II., which plainly
signifies George, King the Second, and not King George the Second, or
George the Second, King; but laying the point after the letter G, by
which the owner of the house manifestly shews, that he renounces his
allegiance to King George the Second, and allows him to be only the
second king, inuendo, that the Pretender is the first king; and
looking upon King George to be only a kind of second king, or viceroy,
till the Pretender shall come over and seize the kingdom. I appeal to
all mankind, whether this be a strained or forced interpretation of the
inscription, as it now stands in almost every street; whether any
decipherer would make the least doubt or hesitation to explain it as I
have done; whether any other Protestant country would endure so public
an instance of treason in the capital city from such vulgar
conspirators; and, lastly, whether Papists and Jacobites of great
fortunes and quality may not probably stand behind the curtain in this
dangerous, open, and avowed design against the government. But I have
performed my duty; and leave the reforming of these abuses to the
wisdom, the vigilance, the loyalty, and activity of my superiors.][179]