NOTE.
This piece, included by Sir Walter Scott for the first time
among
Swift's writings, was, in the opinion of that editor,
indisputably
the work of the Dean of St. Patrick's. The present editor sees
no
reason to disagree with this judgement, and it is therefore
reprinted here. The original issue of 1733, printed by
Faulkner
contained also Swift's “Petition of the Footmen in and about
Dublin,” and had a lengthy advertisement of the Complete Works
of
Swift which Faulkner was, at that time, projecting. It is
difficult, however, to understand why the tract was not
included in
later editions of Swift's complete works. Sir Walter Scott
puts
forward an explanation suggested by Dr. Barrett, who believed
the
reason to have been, that this “jeu d'esprit might be
interpreted
as casting a slur on an hospital erected upon Lazors-Hill, now
on
the Donny-Brook road near Dublin, for the reception of persons
afflicted with incurable maladies.” The reason seems a poor
one,
though it may have been as Dr. Barrett states. A better
argument
might be found from the style and subject matter of the tract
itself. The style is strongly Swift's, and the subject of such
an
hospital must certainly have occupied Swift's thoughts at this
time, since he left his fortune for the erection of a similar
building.
* * * * *
The text of the present edition is based on that of the volume
issued by Faulkner in 1733, compared with the Dublin reprint
of the
following year.
[T. S.]
A
SERIOUS and USEFUL
SCHEME,
To make an
Hospital for Incurables,
OF
Universal Benefit to all His Majesty's Subjects.
* * * * *
Humbly addressed to the Rt. Hon. the Lord ——, the Rt. Hon. Sir
——, and to the Rt. Hon. ——, Esq;
* * * * *
To which is added,
A Petition of the Footmen in and about Dublin.
* * * * *
Fæcunda Culpæ Secula!—Hor.
* * * * *
Printed at LONDON: And,
DUBLIN:
Printed by GEORGE FAULKNER, and Sold at his Shop in Essex
Street, opposite to the Bridge, and by G. Risk, G.
Ewing and W. Smith, Booksellers in Dame-Street, 1733.
There is not any thing which contributes more to the reputation of
particular persons, or to the honour of a nation in general, than
erecting and endowing proper edifices, for the reception of those who
labour under different kinds of distress. The diseased and unfortunate
are thereby delivered from the misery of wanting assistance; and others
are delivered from the misery of beholding them.
It is certain, that the genius of the people of England is strongly
turned to public charities; and to so noble a degree, that almost in
every part of this great and opulent city, and also in many of the
adjacent villages, we meet with a great variety of hospitals, supported
by the generous contributions of private families, as well as by the
liberality of the public. Some for seamen worn out in the service of
their country, and others for infirm disabled soldiers; some for the
maintenance of tradesmen decayed, and others for their widows and
orphans; some for the service of those who linger under tedious
distempers, and others for such as are deprived of their reason.
But I find, upon nice inspection, that there is one kind of charity
almost totally disregarded, which, nevertheless, appears to me of so
excellent a nature, as to be at present more wanted, and better
calculated for the ease, quietness, and felicity of this whole kingdom,
than any other can possibly be. I mean an hospital for incurables.
I must indeed confess, that an endowment of this nature would prove
a very large and perpetual expense. However, I have not the least
diffidence, that I shall be able effectually to convince the world that
my present scheme for such an hospital is very practicable, and must be
very desirable by every one who hath the interest of his country, or
his fellow-creatures, really at heart.
It is observable, that, although the bodies of human creatures be
affected with an infinite variety of disorders, which elude the power
of medicine, and are often found to be incurable, yet their minds are
also overrun with an equal variety, which no skill, no power, no
medicine, can alter or amend. And I think, that, out of regard to the
public peace and emolument, as well as the repose of many pious and
valuable families, this latter species of incurables ought principally
to engage our attention and beneficence.
I believe an Hospital for such Incurables will be universally
allowed necessary, if we only consider what numbers of absolute
incurables every profession, rank, and degree, would perpetually
produce, which, at present, are only national grievances, and of which
we can have no other effectual method to purge the kingdom.
For instance; let any man seriously consider what numbers there are
of incurable fools, incurable knaves, incurable scolds, incurable
scribblers, (besides myself,) incurable coxcombs, incurable infidels,
incurable liars, incurable whores, in all places of public resort:—not
to mention the incurably vain, incurably envious, incurably proud,
incurably affected, incurably impertinent, and ten thousand other
incurables, which I must of necessity pass over in silence, lest I
should swell this essay into a volume. And without doubt, every
unprejudiced person will agree, that, out of mere Christian charity,
the public ought to be eased as much as possible of this troublesome
and intolerable variety of incurables.
And first, Under the denomination of incurable fools, we may
reasonably expect, that such an hospital would be furnished with
considerable numbers of the growth of our own universities; who, at
present, appear in various professions in the world, under the
venerable titles of physicians, barristers, and ecclesiastics.
And as those ancient seminaries have been, for some years past,
accounted little better than nurseries of such sort of incurables, it
should seem highly commendable to make some kind of provision for them;
because it is more than probable, that, if they are to be supported by
their own particular merit in their several callings, they must
necessarily acquire but a very indifferent maintenance.
I would not, willingly, be here suspected to cast reflections on any
order of men, as if I thought that small gains from the profession of
any art or science, were always an undoubted sign of an equally small
degree of understanding; for I profess myself to be somewhat inclined
to a very opposite opinion, having frequently observed, that at the
bar, the pulse, and the pulpit, those who have the least learning or
sense to plead, meet generally with the largest share of promotions and
profit: of which many instances might be produced; but the public seems
to want no conviction in this particular.
Under the same denominations we may further expect a large and
ridiculous quantity of old rich widows; whose eager and impatient
appetites inflame them with extravagant passions for fellows of a very
different age and complexion from themselves; who purchase contempt and
aversion with good jointures; and being loaded with years, infirmities,
and probably ill humour, are forced to bribe into their embraces such
whose fortunes and characters are equally desperate.
Besides, our collection of incurable fools would receive an
incredible addition from every one of the following articles.
From young extravagant heirs; who are just of a competent age to
become the bubbles of jockeys, sportsmen, gamesters, bullies, sharpers,
courtesans, and such sort of honourable pickpockets.
From misers; who half starve themselves to feed the prodigality of
their heirs, and who proclaim to the world how unworthy they are of
possessing estates, by the wretched and ridiculous methods they take to
enjoy them.
From contentious people, of all conditions; who are content to waste
the greatest part of their own fortunes at law, to be the instruments
of impoverishing others.
From those who have any confidence in profession of friendship,
before trial; or any dependence on the fidelity of a mistress.
From young illiterate squires, who travel abroad to import lewdness,
conceit, arrogance, vanity, and foppery; of which commodities there
seems to be so great an abundance at home.
From young clergymen; who contrive, by matrimony, to acquire a
family, before they have obtained the necessary means to maintain one.
From those who have considerable estates in different kingdoms, and
yet are so incurably stupid as to spend their whole incomes in this.
These, and several other articles which might be mentioned, would
afford us a perpetual opportunity of easing the public, by having an
hospital for the accommodation of such incurables; who, at present,
either by the over-fondness of near relations, or the indolence of the
magistrates, are permitted to walk abroad, and appear in the most
crowded places of this city, as if they were indeed reasonable
creatures.
I had almost forgot to hint, that, under this article, there is a
modest probability that many of the clergy would be found properly
qualified for admittance into the hospital, who might serve in the
capacity of chaplains, and save the unnecessary expense of salaries.
To these fools, in order succeed such as may justly be included
under the extensive denomination of incurable knaves; of which our
several Inns of Court would constantly afford us abundant supplies.
I think indeed, that, of this species of incurables, there ought to
be a certain limited number annually admitted; which number, neither
any regard to the quiet or benefit of the nation, nor any other
charitable or public-spirited reason, should tempt us to exceed;
because, if all were to be admitted on such a foundation, who might be
reputed incurable of this distemper; and if it were possible for the
public to find any place large enough for their reception; I have not
the least doubt, that all our Inns, which are at this day so crowded,
would in a short time be emptied of their inhabitants; and the law,
that beneficial craft, want hands to conduct it.
I tremble to think what herds of attorneys, solicitors,
pettifoggers, scriveners, usurers, hackney-clerks, pickpockets,
pawn-brokers, jailors, and justices of the peace, would hourly be
driven to such an hospital; and what disturbance it might also create
in several noble and wealthy families.
What unexpected distress might it prove to several men of fortune
and quality, to be suddenly deprived of their rich stewards, in whom
they had for many years reposed the utmost confidence, and to find them
irrecoverably lodged among such a collection of incurables!
How many orphans might then expect to see their guardians hurried
away to the hospital; and how many greedy executors find reason to
lament the want of opportunity to pillage!
Would not Exchange Alley have cause to mourn for the loss of its
stock-jobbers and brokers; and the Charitable Corporation for the
confinement of many of its directors?
Might not Westminster-Hall, as well as all the gaming-houses in this
great city, be entirely unpeopled; and the professors of art in each of
those assemblies become useless in their vocations, by being deprived
of all future opportunity to be dishonest?
In short, it might put the whole kingdom into confusion and
disorder; and we should find that the entire revenues of this nation
would be scarce able to support so great a number of incurables, in
this way, as would appear qualified for admission into our hospital.
For if we only consider how this kingdom swarms with
quadrille-tables, and gaming-houses, both public and private; and also
how each of those houses, as well as Westminster-Hall aforesaid, swarms
with knaves who are anxious to win, or fools who have anything to lose;
we may be soon convinced how necessary it will be to limit the number
of incurables, comprehended under these titles, lest the foundation
should prove insufficient to maintain any others besides them.
However, if, by this Scheme of mine, the nation can be eased of
twenty or thirty thousand such incurables, I think it ought to be
esteemed somewhat beneficial, and worthy of the attention of the
public.
The next sort for whom I would gladly provide, and who for several
generations have proved insupportable plagues and grievances to the
good people of England, are those who may properly be admitted under
the character of incurable scolds.
I own this to be a temper of so desperate a nature, that few females
can be found willing to own themselves anyway addicted to it; and yet,
it is thought that there is scarce a single parson, 'prentice,
alderman, squire, or husband, who would not solemnly avouch the very
reverse.
I could wish, indeed, that the word scold might be changed for some
more gentle term, of equal signification; because I am convinced, that
the very name is as offensive to female ears, as the effects of that
incurable distemper are to the ears of the men; which, to be sure, is
inexpressible.
And that it hath been always customary to honour the very same kind
of actions with different appellations, only to avoid giving offence,
is evident to common observation.
For instance: How many lawyers, attorneys, solicitors,
under-sheriffs, intriguing chambermaids, and counter-officers, are
continually guilty of extortion, bribery, oppression, and many other
profitable knaveries, to drain the purses of those with whom they are
any way concerned! And yet, all these different expedients to raise a
fortune, pass generally under the milder names of fees, perquisites,
vails, presents, gratuities, and such like; although, in strictness of
speech, they should be called robbery, and consequently be rewarded
with a gibbet.
Nay, how many honourable gentlemen might be enumerated, who keep
open shop to make a trade of iniquity; who teach the law to wink
whenever power or profit appears in her way; and contrive to grow rich
by the vice, the contention, or the follies of mankind; and who,
nevertheless, instead of being branded with the harsh-sounding names of
knaves, pilferers, or public oppressors, (as they justly merit,) are
only distinguished by the title of justices of the peace; in which
single term, all those several appellations are generally thought to be
implied.
But to proceed. When first I determined to prepare this Scheme for
the use and inspection of the public, I intended to examine one whole
ward in this city, that my computation of the number of incurable
scolds might be more perfect and exact. But I found it impossible to
finish my progress through more than one street.
I made my first application to a wealthy citizen in Cornhill,
common-council-man for his ward; to whom I hinted, that if he knew e'er
an incurable scold in the neighbourhood, I had some hope to provide for
her in such a manner, as to hinder her from being further troublesome.
He referred me with great delight to his next-door friend; yet
whispered me, that, with much greater ease and pleasure, he could
furnish me out of his own family ——; and begged the preference.
His next-door friend owned readily that his wife's qualifications
were not misrepresented, and that he would cheerfully contribute to
promote so useful a scheme; but positively asserted, that it would be
of small service to rid the neighbourhood of one woman, while such
multitudes would remain all equally insupportable.
By which circumstance I conjectured, that the quantity of these
incurables in London, Westminster, and Southwark, would be very
considerable; and that a generous contribution might reasonably be
expected for such an hospital as I am recommending.
Besides, the number of these female incurables would probably be
very much increased by additional quantities of old maids; who, being
wearied with concealing their ill-humour for one-half of their lives,
are impatient to give it full vent in the other. For old maids, like
old thin-bodied wines, instead of growing more agreeable by years, are
observed, for the most part, to become intolerably sharp, sour, and
useless.
Under this denomination also, we may expect to be furnished with as
large a collection of old bachelors, especially those who have estates,
and but a moderate degree of understanding. For, an old wealthy
bachelor, being perpetually surrounded with a set of flatterers,
cousins, poor dependents, and would-be heirs, who for their own views
submit to his perverseness and caprice, becomes insensibly infected
with this scolding malady, which generally proves incurable, and
renders him disagreeable to his friends, and a fit subject for ridicule
to his enemies.
As to the incurable scribblers, (of which society I have the honour
to be a member,) they probably are innumerable; and, of consequence, it
will be absolutely impossible to provide for one-tenth part of their
fraternity. However, as this set of incurables are generally more
plagued with poverty than any other, it will be a double charity to
admit them on the foundation; a charity to the world, to whom they are
a common pest and nuisance; and a charity to themselves, to relieve
them from want, contempt, kicking, and several other accidents of that
nature, to which they are continually liable.
Grub-street itself would then have reason to rejoice, to see so many
of its half-starved manufacturers amply provided for; and the whole
tribe of meagre incurables would probably shout for joy, at being
delivered from the tyranny and garrets of printers, publishers, and
booksellers.
What a mixed multitude of ballad-writers, ode-makers, translators,
farce-compounders, opera-mongers, biographers, pamphleteers, and
journalists, would appear crowding to the hospital; not unlike the
brutes resorting to the ark before the deluge! And what an universal
satisfaction would such a sight afford to all, except pastry-cooks,
grocers, chandlers, and tobacco-retailers, to whom alone the writings
of those incurables were anyway profitable!
I have often been amazed to observe, what a variety of incurable
coxcombs are to be met with between St. James's and Limehouse, at every
hour of the day; as numerous as Welsh parsons, and equally
contemptible. How they swarm in all coffeehouses, theatres, public
walks, and private assemblies; how they are incessantly employed in
cultivating intrigues, and every kind of irrational pleasure; how
industrious they seem to mimic the appearance of monkeys, as monkeys
are emulous to imitate the gestures of men: And from such observations,
I concluded, that to confine the greatest part of those incurables, who
are so many living burlesques of human nature, would be of eminent
service to this nation; and I am persuaded that I am far from being
singular in that opinion.
As for the incurable infidels and liars, I shall range them under
the same article, and would willingly appoint them the same apartment
in the hospital; because there is a much nearer resemblance between
them, than is generally imagined.
Have they not an equal delight in imposing falsities on the public;
and seem they not equally desirous to be thought of more sagacity and
importance than others? Do they not both report what both know to be
false; and both confidently assert what they are conscious is most
liable to contradiction?
The parallel might easily be carried on much further, if the
intended shortness of this essay would admit it. However, I cannot
forbear taking notice, with what immense quantities of incurable liars
his Majesty's kingdoms are overrun; what offence and prejudice they are
to the public; what inconceivable injury to private persons; and what a
necessity there is for an hospital, to relieve the nation from the
curse of so many incurables.
This distemper appears almost in as many different shapes, as there
are persons afflicted with it; and, in every individual, is always
beyond the power of medicine.
Some lie for their interest; such as fishmongers, flatterers, pimps,
lawyers, fortune-hunters, and fortune-tellers; and others lie for their
entertainment, as maids, wives, widows, and all other tea-table
attendants.
Some lie out of vanity, as poets, painters, players, fops, military
officers, and all those who frequent the levees of the great: and
others lie out of ill nature, as old maids, &c.
Some lie out of custom, as lovers, coxcombs, footmen, sailors,
mechanics, merchants, and chambermaids; and others lie out of
complaisance or necessity, as courtiers, chaplains, &c. In short, it
were endless to enumerate them all, but this sketch may be sufficient
to give us some small imperfect idea of their numbers.
As to the remaining incurables, we may reasonably conclude, that
they bear at least an equal proportion to those already mentioned; but
with regard to the incurable whores in this kingdom, I must
particularly observe, that such of them as are public, and make it
their profession, have proper hospitals for their reception already, if
we could find magistrates without passions, or officers without an
incurable itch to a bribe. And such of them as are private, and make it
their amusement, I should be unwilling to disturb, for two reasons.
First, Because it might probably afflict many noble, wealthy,
contented, and unsuspecting husbands, by convincing them of their own
dishonour, and the unpardonable disloyalty of their wives: And,
secondly, Because it will be for ever impossible to confine a woman
from being guilty of any kind of misconduct, when once she is firmly
resolved to attempt it.
From all which observations, every reasonable man must infallibly be
convinced, that an hospital for the support of these different kinds of
incurables, would be extremely beneficial to these kingdoms. I think,
therefore, that nothing further is wanting, but to demonstrate to the
public, that such a Scheme is very practicable; both by having an
undoubted method to raise an annual income, at least sufficient to make
the experiment, (which is the way of founding all hospitals,) and by
having also a strong probability, that such an hospital would be
supported by perpetual benefactions; which, in very few years, might
enable us to increase the number of incurables to nine-tenths more than
we can reasonably venture on at first.
* * * * *
A Computation of the Daily and Annual Expenses of an Hospital, to
be erected for Incurables.
Per day.
Incurable fools, are almost infinite; however, at
first, I would have only twenty thousand admitted;
and, allowing to each person but one shilling per
day for maintenance, which is as low as possible, the
daily expense for this article will be £1000
Incurable knaves, are, if possible, more numerous,
including foreigners, especially Irishmen. Yet I
would limit the number of these to about thirty
thousand; which would amount to 1500
Incurable scolds, would be plentifully supplied
from almost every family in the kingdom. And indeed,
to make this hospital of any real benefit, we
cannot admit fewer, even at first, than thirty thousand,
including the ladies of Billingsgate and Leadenhall
market, which is 1500
The incurable scribblers, are undoubtedly a very
considerable society, and of that denomination I
would admit at least forty thousand; because it is
to be supposed, that such incurables will be found
in greatest distress for a daily maintenance. And
if we had not great encouragement to hope, that
many of that class would properly be admitted
among the incurable fools, I should strenuously intercede
to have ten or twenty thousand more added.
But their allowed number will amount to 2000
Incurable coxcombs, are very numerous; and,
considering what numbers are annually imported
from France and Italy, we cannot admit fewer than
ten thousand, which will be 500
Incurable infidels, (as they affect to be called)
should be received into the hospital to the number
of ten thousand. However, if it should accidentally
happen to grow into a fashion to be believers, it is
probable, that the great part of them would, in a
very short time, be dismissed from the hospital, as
perfectly cured. Their expense would be 500
Incurable liars, are infinite in all parts of the kingdom;
and, making allowance for citizens' wives,
mercers, prentices, news-writers, old maids, and
flatterers, we cannot possibly allow a smaller number
than thirty thousand, which will amount to 1500
The incurable envious, are in vast quantities
throughout this whole nation. Nor can it reasonably
be expected that their numbers should lessen, while
fame and honours are heaped upon some particular
persons, as the public reward of their superior
accomplishments, while others, who are equally excellent,
in their own opinions, are constrained to
live unnoticed and contemned. And, as it would
be impossible to provide for all those who are possessed
with this distemper, I should consent to admit
only twenty thousand at first, by way of experiment,
amounting to 1000
Of the incurable vain, affected, and impertinent,
I should at least admit ten thousand; which number
I am confident will appear very inconsiderable, if
we include all degrees of females, from the duchess
to the chambermaid; all poets, who have had a little
success, especially in the dramatic way, and all
players, who have met with a small degree of approbation.
Amounting only to 500
By which plain computation it is evident, that two hundred thousand
persons will be daily provided for, and the allowance for maintaining
this collection of incurables may be seen in the following account.
Per day.
For the Incurable
Fools, being 20,000 at one shilling each £1000
Knaves 30,000 ditto 1500
Scolds 30,000 1500
Scribblers 40,000 2000
Coxcombs 10,000 500
Infidels 10,000 500
Liars 30,000 1500
For the Incurably
Envious 20,000 1000
Vain 10,000 500
____ ___
Total maintained, 200,000 Total expense, £10,000
M. Th. H.
From whence it appears, that the daily expense
will amount to such a sum, as in 365
days comes to £3,650,000
And I am fully satisfied that a sum, much greater than this, may
easily be raised, with all possible satisfaction to the subject, and
without interfering in the least with the revenues of the crown.
In the first place, a large proportion of this sum might be raised
by the voluntary contribution of the inhabitants.
The computed number of people in Great Britain is very little less
than eight millions; of which, upon a most moderate computation, we may
account one half to be incurables. And as all those different
incurables, whether acting in the capacity of friends, acquaintances,
wives, husbands, daughters, counsellors, parents, old maids, or old
bachelors, are inconceivable plagues to all those with whom they happen
to be concerned; and as there is no hope of being eased of such
plagues, except by such an hospital, which by degrees might be enlarged
to contain them all: I think it cannot be doubted, that at least three
millions and an half of people, out of the remaining proportion, would
be found both able and desirous to contribute so small a sum as twenty
shillings per annum, for the quiet of the kingdom, the peace of
private families, and the credit of the nation in general. And this
contribution would amount to very near our requisite sum.
Nor can this by any means be esteemed a wild conjecture; for where
is there a man of common sense, honesty, or good-nature, who would not
gladly propose even a much greater sum to be freed from a scold, a
knave, a fool, a liar, a coxcomb conceitedly repeating the compositions
of others, or a vain impertinent poet repeating his own?
In the next place, it may justly be supposed, that many young
noblemen, knights, squires, and extravagant heirs, with very large
estates, would be confined in our hospital. And I would propose, that
the annual income of every particular incurable's estate should be
appropriated to the use of the house. But, besides these, there will
undoubtedly be many old misers, aldermen, justices, directors of
companies, templars, and merchants of all kinds, whose personal
fortunes are immense, and who should proportionably pay to the
hospital.
Yet, lest, by being here misunderstood, I should seem to propose an
unjust or oppressive Scheme, I shall further explain my design.
Suppose, for instance, a young nobleman, possessed of ten or twenty
thousand pounds per annum, should accidentally be confined there
as an incurable: I would have only such a proportion of his estate
applied to the support of the hospital, as he himself would spend if he
were at liberty. And, after his death, the profits of the estate should
regularly devolve to the next lawful heir, whether male or female.
And my reason for this proposal is; because considerable estates,
which probably would be squandered away among hounds, horses, whores,
sharpers, surgeons, tailors, pimps, masquerades, or architects, if left
to the management of such incurables; would, by this means, become of
some real use, both to the public and themselves. And perhaps this may
be the only method which can be found to make such young spendthrifts
of any real benefit to their country.
And although the estates of deceased incurables might be permitted
to descend to the next heirs, the hospital would probably sustain no
great disadvantage; because it is very likely that most of these heirs
would also gradually be admitted under some denomination or other; and
consequently their estates would again devolve to the use of the
hospital.
As to the wealthy misers, &c., I would have their private fortunes
nicely examined and calculated; because, if they were old bachelors,
(as it would frequently happen,) their whole fortunes should then be
appropriated to the endowment; but, if married, I would leave
two-thirds of their fortunes for the support of their families; which
families would cheerfully consent to give away the remaining third, if
not more, to be freed from such peevish and disagreeable governors.
So that, deducting from the two hundred thousand incurables the
forty thousand scribblers, who to be sure would be found in very bad
circumstances; I believe, among the remaining hundred and sixty
thousand fools, knaves, and coxcombs, so many would be found of large
estates and easy fortunes, as would at least produce two hundred
thousand pounds per annum.
As a further addition to our endowment, I would have a tax upon all
inscriptions and tombstones, monuments and obelisks, erected to the
honour of the dead, or on porticoes and trophies, to the honour of the
living; because these will naturally and properly come under the
article of lies, pride, vanity, &c.
And if all inscriptions throughout this kingdom were impartially
examined, in order to tax those which should appear demonstrably false
or flattering, I am convinced that not one-fifth part of the number
would, after such a scrutiny, escape exempted.
Many an ambitious turbulent spirit would then be found, belied with
the opposite title of “lover of his country”; and many a Middlesex
justice, as improperly described, “sleeping in hope of salvation.”
Many an usurer, discredited by the appellations of “honest and
frugal”; and many a lawyer, with the character of conscientious and
“equitable.”
Many a British statesman and general, decaying, with more honour
than they lived; and their dusts distinguished with a better reputation
than when they were animated.
Many dull parsons, improperly styled eloquent; and as many stupid
physicians, improperly styled learned.
Yet, notwithstanding the extensiveness of a tax upon such monumental
impositions, I will count only upon twenty thousand, at five pounds
per annum each, which will amount to one hundred thousand pounds
annually.
To these annuities, I would also request the Parliament of this
nation to allow the benefit of two lotteries yearly; by which the
hospital would gain two hundred thousand pounds clear. Nor can such a
request seem any way extraordinary, since it would be appropriated to
the benefit of fools and knaves, which is the sole cause of granting
one for this present year.
In the last place, I would add the estate of Richard Norton,
Esq.;[180] and, to do his memory all possible honour, I would have his
statue erected in the very first apartment of the hospital, or in any
other which might seem more apt. And, on his monument, I would permit a
long inscription, composed by his dearest friends, which should remain
tax-free for ever.
From these several articles, therefore, would annually arise the
following sums.
M. Th. H.
P. Ann.
From the voluntary contribution, £3,500,000
From the estates of the incurables, 200,000
By the tax upon tombstones, monuments,
&c. (that of Richard Norton, Esq. always
excepted,) 100,000
By two annual lotteries, 200,000
By the estate of Richard Norton, Esq. 6,000
—————
Total, £4,006,000[181]
—————
And the necessary sum for the hospital being £3,650,000
There will remain annually over and above, 356,000
Which sum of 356,000l. should be applied towards erecting the
building, and answer accidental expenses, in such a manner as should
seem most proper to promote the design of the hospital. But the whole
management of it should be left to the skill and discretion of those
who are to be constituted governors.
It may, indeed, prove a work of some small difficulty to fix upon a
commodious place, large enough for a building of this nature. I should
have thoughts of attempting to enclose all Yorkshire, if I were not
apprehensive that it would be crowded with so many incurable knaves of
its own growth, that there would not be the least room left for the
reception of any others; by which accident, our whole project might be
retarded for some time.
Thus have I set this matter in the plainest light I could, that
every one may judge of the necessity, usefulness, and practicableness
of this Scheme: and I shall only add a few scattered hints, which, to
me, seem not altogether unprofitable.
I think the prime minister for the time being ought largely to
contribute to such a foundation; because his high station and merits
must of necessity infect a great number with envy, hatred, lying, and
such sort of distempers; and, of consequence, furnish the hospital
annually with many incurables.
I would desire that the governors appointed to direct this hospital,
should have (if such a thing were possible) some appearance of
religion, and belief in God; because those who are to be admitted as
incurable infidels, atheists, deists, and freethinkers, most of which
tribe are only so out of pride, conceit, and affectation, might perhaps
grow gradually into believers, if they perceived it to be the custom of
the place where they lived.
Although it be not customary for the natives of Ireland to meet with
any manner of promotion in this kingdom, I would, in this respect, have
that national prejudice entirely laid aside; and request, that, for the
reputation of both kingdoms, a large apartment in the hospital
may be fitted up for Irishmen particularly, who, either by knavery,
lewdness, or fortune-hunting, should appear qualified for admittance;
because their numbers would certainly be very considerable.
I would further request, that a father, who seems delighted at
seeing his son metamorphosed into a fop, or a coxcomb, because he hath
travelled from London to Paris; may be sent along with the young
gentleman to the hospital, as an old fool, absolutely incurable.
If a poet hath luckily produced anything, especially in the dramatic
way, which is tolerably well received by the public, he should be sent
immediately to the hospital; because incurable vanity is always the
consequence of a little success. And, if his compositions be ill
received, let him be admitted as a scribbler.
And I hope, in regard to the great pains I have taken, about this
Scheme, that I shall be admitted upon the foundation, as one of the
scribbling incurables. But, as an additional favour, I entreat, that I
may not be placed in an apartment with a poet who hath employed his
genius for the stage; because he will kill me with repeating his own
compositions: and I need not acquaint the world, that it is extremely
painful to bear any nonsense—except our own.
My private reason for soliciting so early to be admitted is, because
it is observed that schemers and projectors are generally reduced to
beggary; but, by my being provided for in the hospital, either as an
incurable fool or a scribbler, that discouraging observation will for
once be publicly disproved, and my brethren in that way will be secure
of a public reward for their labours.
It gives me, I own, a great degree of happiness, to reflect, that
although in this short treatise the characters of many thousands are
contained, among the vast variety of incurables; yet, not any one
person is likely to be offended; because, it is natural to apply
ridiculous characters to all the world, except ourselves. And I dare be
bold to say, that the most incurable fool, knave, scold, coxcomb,
scribbler, or liar, in this whole nation, will sooner enumerate the
circle of their acquaintance as addicted to those distempers, than once
imagine themselves any way qualified for such an hospital.
I hope, indeed, that our wise legislature will take this project
into their serious consideration; and promote an endowment, which will
be of such eminent service to multitudes of his Majesty's unprofitable
subjects, and may in time be of use to themselves and their
posterity.
* * * * *
From my Garret in Moorfields, Aug. 20, 1733.