I am now going to suffer the just punishment for my crimes
prescribed by the law of God and my country. I know it is the constant
custom, that those who come to this place should have speeches made for
them, and cried about in their own hearing, as they are carried to
execution; and truly they are such speeches that although our
fraternity be an ignorant illiterate people, they would make a man
ashamed to have such nonsense and false English charged upon him even
when he is going to the gallows: They contain a pretended account of
our birth and family; of the fact for which we are to die; of our
sincere repentance; and a declaration of our religion.[35] I cannot
expect to avoid the same treatment with my predecessors. However,
having had an education one or two degrees better than those of my rank
and profession;[36] I have been considering ever since my commitment,
what it might be proper for me to deliver upon this occasion.
And first, I cannot say from the bottom of my heart, that I am truly
sorry for the offence I have given to God and the world; but I am very
much so, for the bad success of my villainies in bringing me to this
untimely end. For it is plainly evident, that after having some time
ago obtained a pardon from the crown, I again took up my old trade; my
evil habits were so rooted in me, and I was grown so unfit for any
other kind of employment. And therefore although in compliance with my
friends, I resolve to go to the gallows after the usual manner,
kneeling, with a book in my hand, and my eyes lift up; yet I shall feel
no more devotion in my heart than I have observed in some of my
comrades, who have been drunk among common whores the very night before
their execution. I can say further from my own knowledge, that two of
my fraternity after they had been hanged, and wonderfully came to life,
and made their escapes, as it sometimes happens, proved afterwards the
wickedest rogues I ever knew, and so continued until they were hanged
again for good and all; and yet they had the impudence at both times
they went to the gallows, to smite their breasts, and lift up their
eyes to Heaven all the way.
Secondly, From the knowledge I have of my own wicked dispositions
and that of my comrades, I give it as my opinion, that nothing can be
more unfortunate to the public, than the mercy of the government in
ever pardoning or transporting us; unless when we betray one another,
as we never fail to do, if we are sure to be well paid; and then a
pardon may do good; by the same rule, “That it is better to have but
one fox in a farm than three or four.” But we generally make a shift to
return after being transported, and are ten times greater rogues than
before, and much more cunning. Besides, I know it by experience, that
some hopes we have of finding mercy, when we are tried, or after we are
condemned, is always a great encouragement to us.
Thirdly, Nothing is more dangerous to idle young fellows, than the
company of those odious common whores we frequent, and of which this
town is full: These wretches put us upon all mischief to feed their
lusts and extravagancies: They are ten times more bloody and cruel than
men; their advice is always not to spare if we are pursued; they get
drunk with us, and are common to us all; and yet, if they can get
anything by it, are sure to be our betrayers.
Now, as I am a dying man, I have done something which may be of good
use to the public. I have left with an honest man (and indeed the only
honest man I was ever acquainted with) the names of all my wicked
brethren, the present places of their abode, with a short account of
the chief crimes they have committed; in many of which I have been
their accomplice, and heard the rest from their own mouths: I have
likewise set down the names of those we call our setters, of the wicked
houses we frequent, and of those who receive and buy our stolen goods.
I have solemnly charged this honest man, and have received his promise
upon oath, that whenever he hears of any rogue to be tried for robbing,
or house-breaking, he will look into his list, and if he finds the name
there of the thief concerned, to send the whole paper to the
government. Of this I here give my companions fair and public warning,
and hope they will take it.
In the paper above mentioned, which I left with my friend, I have
also set down the names of several gentlemen who have been robbed in
Dublin streets for three years past: I have told the circumstances of
those robberies; and shewn plainly that nothing but the want of common
courage was the cause of their misfortunes. I have therefore desired my
friend, that whenever any gentlemen happens to be robbed in the
streets, he will get that relation printed and published with the first
letters of those gentlemen's names, who by their own want of bravery
are likely to be the cause of all the mischief of that kind, which may
happen for the future.
I cannot leave the world without a short description of that kind of
life, which I have led for some years past; and is exactly the same
with the rest of our wicked brethren.
Although we are generally so corrupted from our childhood, as to
have no sense of goodness; yet something heavy always hangs about us, I
know not what it is, that we are never easy till we are half drunk
among our whores and companions; nor sleep sound, unless we drink
longer than we can stand. If we go abroad in the day, a wise man would
easily find us to be rogues by our faces; we have such a suspicious,
fearful, and constrained countenance; often turning back, and slinking
through narrow lanes and alleys. I have never failed of knowing a
brother thief by his looks, though I never saw him before. Every man
among us keeps his particular whore, who is however common to us all,
when we have a mind to change. When we have got a booty, if it be in
money, we divide it equally among our companions, and soon squander it
away on our vices in those houses that receive us; for the master and
mistress, and the very tapster, go snacks; and besides make us pay
treble reckonings. If our plunder be plate, watches, rings,
snuff-boxes, and the like; we have customers in all quarters of the
town to take them off. I have seen a tankard worth fifteen pounds sold
to a fellow in ——street for twenty shillings; and a gold watch for
thirty. I have set down his name, and that of several others in the
paper already mentioned. We have setters watching in corners, and by
dead walls, to give us notice when a gentleman goes by; especially if
he be anything in drink. I believe in my conscience, that if an account
were made of a thousand pounds in stolen goods; considering the low
rates we sell them at, the bribes we must give for concealment, the
extortions of alehouse-reckonings, and other necessary charges, there
would not remain fifty pounds clear to be divided among the robbers.
And out of this we must find clothes for our whores, besides treating
them from morning to night; who, in requital, reward us with nothing
but treachery and the pox. For when our money is gone, they are every
moment threatening to inform against us, if we will not go out to look
for more. If anything in this world be like hell, as I have heard it
described by our clergy; the truest picture of it must be in the
back-room of one of our ale-houses at midnight; where a crew of robbers
and their whores are met together after a booty, and are beginning to
grow drunk, from which time, until they are past their senses, is such
a continued horrible noise of cursing, blasphemy, lewdness, scurrility,
and brutish behaviour; such roaring and confusion, such a clatter of
mugs and pots at each other's heads, that Bedlam, in comparison, is a
sober and orderly place: At last they all tumble from their stools and
benches, and sleep away the rest of the night; and generally the
landlord or his wife, or some other whore who has a stronger head than
the rest, picks their pockets before they wake. The misfortune is, that
we can never be easy till we are drunk; and our drunkenness constantly
exposes us to be more easily betrayed and taken.
This is a short picture of the life I have led; which is more
miserable than that of the poorest labourer who works for four pence a
day; and yet custom is so strong, that I am confident, if I could make
my escape at the foot of the gallows, I should be following the same
course this very evening. So that upon the whole, we ought to be looked
upon as the common enemies of mankind; whose interest it is to root us
out likes wolves, and other mischievous vermin, against which no fair
play is required.
If I have done service to men in what I have said, I shall hope I
have done service to God; and that will be better than a silly speech
made for me full of whining and canting, which I utterly despise, and
have never been used to; yet such a one I expect to have my ears
tormented with, as I am passing along the streets.
Good people fare ye well; bad as I am, I leave many worse behind me.
I hope you shall see me die like a man, the death of a dog.
E. E.
THE TRUTH
OF SOME
MAXIMS IN STATE AND GOVERNMENT,
EXAMINED
WITH REFERENCE TO IRELAND.
NOTE.
These maxims, written in the year 1724, may be taken as Swift's
opening of his campaign against the oppressive legislation of
England which had brought Ireland to the degraded and
poverty-stricken condition it existed in at the time he wrote.
Burke characterizes these maxims as “a collection of State
Paradoxes, abounding with great sense and penetration.” The
subjects they touch on are dealt with in greater detail in the
tracts which follow in this volume, and the reader is referred
to
them and the notes for the causes which had brought Ireland in
so
low a state.
* * * * *
The text of the present edition is based on that given by Deane
Swift in the eighth volume of the edition of 1765.
[T. S.]