THE HORRIBLE HISTORY OF JONES

     
     
           Jones had a dog; it had a chain;
     Not often worn, not causing pain;
     But, as the I.K.L. had passed
     Their “Unleashed Cousins Act” at last,
     Inspectors took the chain away;
     Whereat the canine barked “hurray”!
     At which, of course, the S.P.U.
     (Whose Nervous Motorists' Bill was through),
     Were forced to give the dog in charge
     For being Audibly at Large.
     None, you will say, were now annoyed,
     Save haply Jones—the yard was void.
     But something being in the lease
     About “alarms to aid police,”
     The U.S.U. annexed the yard
     For having no sufficient guards
     Now if there's one condition
     The C.C.P. are strong upon
     It is that every house one buys
     Must have a yard for exercise;
     So Jones, as tenant, was unfit.
     His state of health was proof of it.
     Two doctors of the T.T.U.'s
     Told him his legs from long disuse,
     Were atrophied; and saying “So
     From step to higher step we go
     Till everything is New and True,”
     They cut his legs off and withdrew.
     You know the E.T.S.T.'s views
     Are stronger than the T.T.U.'s:
     And soon (as one may say) took wing
     The Arms, though not the Man, I sing.
     To see him sitting limbless there
     Was more than the K.K. could bear
     “In mercy silence with all speed
     That mouth there are no hands to feed;
     What cruel sentimentalist,
     O Jones, would doom thee to exist—
     Clinging to selfish Selfhood yet?
     Weak one! Such reasoning might upset
     The Pump Act, and the accumulation
     Of all constructive legislation;
     Let us construct you up a bit—”
     The head fell off when it was hit:
     Then words did rise and honest doubt,
     And four Commissions sat about
     Whether the slash that left him dead
     Cut off his body or his head.
           An author in the Isle of Wight
     Observed with unconcealed delight
     A land of old and just renown
     Where Freedom slowly broadened down
     From Precedent to Precedent....
     And this, I think, was what he meant.