fed up, fuck it, and beyond
~tffb
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I swear, a year and half in to moving from STL to Farmington, and I
have not managed to eek out one inkling of emotional support from
anyone/anywhere since the move, and the phone calls to/from my best
friend in STL are short and short-winded. He coughs constantly,
can't talk on the phone, I talk silently, can't hear me on speaker,
and of course the move itself - I came here to volunteer, but to
meet people, have *A* person in my corner again. A GOOD friend, and
that didn't come through. Online friends, yes of course, I have
those everywhere and I am thankful, also (like many online) totally
unreachable and unpredictable in their habits and response times.
So I may be waiting a day if I want to talk to someone right then.

Again, the clubhouse has not shown me anyone of close friendship,
the "closest" people there are actually just wanting something from
me, and are effectively predators in their respective group homes -
hustling for sodas, cigarettes, usually the same shit they did
if/when they were once locked up. And why tf would a crowd as such
suit my ilk, anyway? Not that it matters - who is there is there,
but no resonance in personality or chemistry with anyone, male or
female, regardless.

Keep in mind: this is WELL OVER two years of no in-person emotional
support system. Phone calls, texts, e-mails, that's what pumps this
soul forward for two rotations around the sun. None else. Yamming
it up and BS'ing with fast talk and cordial exchanges - ok, I got
those at gas stations and grocery stores, but a *friend* or
*friendship* or *good friendship*, nil. A would-be best friend from
another country crossed paths, she stopped the dialogue when she
felt fit.

So I trudge through more and further - tar-like repulsion and
oil-like hate in my throat for the world, for humans.

May the sun keep shining