_______ _ 3/16/97 |__ __| | | | | |__ ___ .-. _ | | | '_ \ / _ \ ( `. .' ) ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ `\ ` .' | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ | | | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | 66|_ | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | ,__) |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| |(,_| __/ | | | To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | \_, use a non-proportional font such as Courier, | | FixedSys, or Monaco. | | -= *** =- .' \ A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt ( , ) to work with and convert the tribe to the Catholic religion. '--' '-' He wasn't able to speak the language very well, so he hired a member of the tribe to help translate what he wanted to say to the tribe. He asked for and received permission from the Chief of the tribe, to speak to the whole tribal population at once. He got up on a very large boulder that overlooked the central area of the tribal village. As he spoke, his translator was by his side on the boulder, and he translated all that the minister was saying. \\\\\////// "If you let me- I will show you how \\\\\\////// to dig in the ground and get good [[[[[[[]]]]]]]] water to drink and cook with". /////////\\\\\\ "Hoon-gow-wa!" was the large /\ //// ~0 ( 0~ \\\\ response from the tribespeople. / \ //(, 8-_\-8 ,)\\ / \ //|\ .===. /|\\ "I can show you how you can capture |/||\| \ '===' /* animals without leaving your village". || \__.__/ "Hoon-gow-wa" shouted all the tribe!! _.=||=._ .---'@ @'---. (By this time-the minister was very /| || |\ / '@ @' \ happy with his effort) _||_ / . Y . _/\ / _))-' /|'---{@}---'|\_/\ "And if you will let me- I will show | _) _.' | --:-- | \ \ you a way to make peace with the other \___)-' | --:-- | \ \ tribes that are trying to take your || ; --:-- ; / / land and your women". "HOON-GOW-WA" || \____.____/ / / was the enormous response, that was || .{{{{{{{{}}}}}/ /` so loud, that it scared away the wild || {{{{{{{{{{{{{}} | birds in the nearby trees! || {}}}}}}}}}}}}}}_/ || {{{{{{{{{{{{{{} This was the end of his talk and he || {}}}}}}}}}}}}}} was a large feast and much dancing. || '{}}}}}}}}}}}}' The minister was well received by the || | | | tribe-indeed! Later that afternoon, || | | | the translator came up to the minister || | | | and said "The Chief of our people said || | | | that you have given him much joy. As a || |'-'|'-'| sign of his appreciation, he would like || | | | to take you on a tour of animals and || | | | tribal land". || |___| | || (___) } Well, the Minister was absolutely || / | \ delighted at the acceptance that he jgs || (oooO Oooo) had been shown! He Thanked the Chief and told him that he felt honored by the Chief's offer. So the Chief, Minister, translator, and four worriers went walking through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister the guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the Chief was showing the minister. He was shown a large sparkling stream- that was their water source. They they all walked up a steep knoll that overlooked a large area that was bountiful in deer and elk- that was the meat supply. Then after another hour of walking, the party came on a very large lush green pasture that looked to have about a 100 cows (to the best guess of the Minister), the Chief said something to the translator and pointed, and the Minister asked "What did he say?" "My Chief tells you to watch your step on this path, and to be careful not to step in the Hoon-Gow-Wa". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .//////\. .--------------------------------. ////////\\\ ( Rules for a Successful Meeting ) // __ __ \\ /'--------------------------------' //`(_o)^(_o)`\\ (_ (___) _) 1. State you don't have the entire answer, \ \_____/ / automatically, you don't have to give any `-._ _.-' part of the answer. __.-)_(-,__ ./' \_\_/_/ `\. 2. Insist on not moving too quickly; then / > | //\ | < \ you don't even have to start. / \ | |/| | / \ / |\ | |/| | /| \ 3. Throw in a counter-proposal to any / /| \ | |/| | / |\ \ proposal. This necessitates accepting a ( ( | \| |/| |/ | ) ) 'middle course' (No option whatsoever) as \ \| Y |/| Y |/ / the wisest course of action, even if it's \ | o| |/| |- | / clearly wrong. `\ | | `^` | | /' `| o|=[Ll=|- |' 4. Explain that trying to make decisions | / \ | is only a futile search for assurance or ~~|` \ `|~~ certainty and assert that doubt and | | | indecision must surely promote growth. | | | | | | 5. If cornered, resort to something the | | | group cannot understand, either verbally | | | or by using charts and graphs. | | | | | | 6. Exhibit embarassment when the problem | | | is brought up, as if to show that it is |____|____| too elementary to be considered, or in / / \ \ bad taste, or that the group's consider- jgs / / \ \ ation of it would be inappropriate at this `---' `---` stage of development. 7. Point out that the problem cannot be solved, since it is one of a group of problems which must all be solved at once. 8. Suggest that those who see the problem only do so because they are unhappy--not vice-versa. 9. Ask the problem-raiser to be specific and to elaborate on every detail. There will then be no time left for the answer. 10. Try Philosophy as a basis for the solution of the problem by using the philosophical approach. Then look for a basis for this, then a basis for that, and so on--back to Mount Ararat. 11. Get out from under by starting an endless discussion on the many ways of studying the problem. 12. Introduce general objectives on which the group can agree. As a result, everyone will see either that the problem has solved itself or that it is better to forget the whole thing. 13. Introduce analogies. Discuss them, rather than the problem. 14. Make a statement, then explain, clarify and reclarify that statement ad infinitum. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Joe had gotten a sales route for the Acme insecticide company. He went off and after a week found that everyone was buying from Flanders of the Acme Insecticide Company and had no real inclination to change. He searched his mind for a way to break this up. Finally he came up with it. Joe goes to Farmer Jones, the largest farmer in the valley and makes a pitch. "But I'm satisfied with the Ace products. Why should I change," Jones tells him. "Because Acme is better," Joe tells him, "I can even prove it. You have that meadow near the river where the mosquitos are really fierce. Let me spray the area and you can tie me naked to a tree all night. If I have even one bite on my body come morning, you just send me on my way, but if I come through unbitten, you have to buy all your insecticide from me this year." Jones considers this and decides that he can't loose. The two go down to the Meadow, Joe sprays the area, undresses, and Jones ties him to a tree. Jones says good night and leaves. The next morning, Jones returns and .= , =. finds Joe exhausted but unmarked. Joe _ _ /'/ )\,/,/(_ \ \ isn't just tired, he can hardly stand. `//-.| ( ,\\)\//\)\/_ ) | //___\ `\\\/\\/\/\\///' / "Are you alright?" Jones asks. ,-"~`-._ `"--'_ `"""` _ \`'"~-,_ \ `-. '_`. .'_` \ ,-"~`/ "I'm fine, but doesn't that calf `.__.-'`/ (-\ /-) |-.__,' have a mother?" || | \O) /^\ (O/ | `\\ | / `\ / _ _ \\ \ / `\ / (_'-------------------------------'_) `\\ `-. /' .---.--.\ (_.===============================._) `\\/`~(, '() (' /(O) \\ _,.-.,_) This intelligence-disadvantaged male // \\ `\'` / person goes into the travel agency and jgs / | || `""""~"` proclaims, "I've seen your ad about a $99.00 /' |__|| trip to Hawaii, and I'd like to go." The `o travel agent says, "Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DON'T want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00." "Oh, no you don't," says the Idiot(showing some signs of intelligence), "you're not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says `$99.00 to Hawaii,' and THAT's what I want." "Okay," says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Idiot in the head. The Idiot wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean! He looks around, and there's NOTHING, only he and another Idiot on the raft. "What are we going to do?" cries our hero | "surely they'll send \ _ / H A W A I I A N V A C A T I O N a ship for us." -= (_) =- "I don't think so," / \ _\/_ responds his new- | //o\ _\/_ found travelling _ ___ __ _ __ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ __ _ | __/o\\ _ companion.... =-=-_=-=-_=-=_=-_=_=-_=-_-_=_=-= _=_=-=_,-'|"'""-|-,_ "they didn't =- _=-=-_=- _=-= _--_ =-= -_=-=_-=_,-" | LAST YEAR!" jgs =- =- =-= =- = - -===- -= -= ." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Brezhnev gets up on the podium for his speech to open the Moscow Olympics. As the staged thunderous applause dies down, he coughs and slowly takes a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolds it and starts to read, in a heavy slow, ponderous voice. Brezhnev: "Oh... Oh... Oh..." Adviser: (whispering from the side) .-=-. .-=-. .-=-. "Comrade General-Secretary..." / \ / \ / \ | | | | Brezhnev: "Oh... Oh..." \ ./=\. ./=\. / '-=/' '\-/' '\=-' Adivser: (more urgent whisper) "Comrade | | | General-Secretary, that is the Olympic \ / \ / logo, the speech starts down here." jgs '-=-' '-=-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ... White Lighting... ::: _ .-' ':o) A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine ; `; in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped | .-----. | a man on the street, saying to him: "Here friend, | : XXX : | take a drink outa my jug." The man protested, saying | '-----' | he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at jgs '=========' the stranger and commanded: "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered,shook,shivered and coughed. "Gad! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig." John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'