_______ _ 3/30/97 |__ __| | | | | |__ ___ .-. _ | | | '_ \ / _ \ ( `. .' ) ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ `\ ` .' | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ | | | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | 66|_ | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | ,__) |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| |(,_| __/ | | | To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | \_, use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | | Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | .' \ Revolutionary New Teaching Aid ( , ) '--' '-' A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets, currently on the market, will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by the acronym... BOOK. .===. Many advantages are claimed over the / /_) ) old-style learning and teaching aids on / /_) ) U I L T - I N which most people are brought up nowadays. '====` It has no wires, no electric circuit to .====. break down. No connection is needed to / / / / an electricity power point. It is made / /_/ / R D E R L Y entirely without mechanical parts to go '====` wrong or need replacement. .====. / / / / Anyone can use a BOOK, even children, / /_/ / R G A N I Z E D and it fits comfortably into the hands. '====` It can be conveniently used sitting in an .=. .=. armchair by the fire. / /_/_/ / /~\ \ N O W L E D G E How does this revolutionary, unbelievably '=' '=' easy invention work? Basically a BOOK consists only of a large number of paper "sheets." These may run to hundreds where a BOOK covers a lengthy sub- ject. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order. , , |\\\\ ////| Each sheet of paper presents the user with an infor- | \\\v/// | mation sequence in the form of symbols, which he or | |~~~| | she absorbs optically for automatic registration on | |===| | the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a | | B | | flick of the finger turns it over and further infor- | | O | | mation is found on the other side. By using both | | O | | sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is \ | K | / effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of a \|===|/ BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one '---' sheet to another, to open or close the BOOK, or to start it working. A BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely , , opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has /////| to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at ///// | will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he |~~~| | pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginning as a |===| | location finder for any required information sequence, | b | | known as a "Contents" sheet. | o | | | o | | A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is | k | / the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his study |===|/ where he left off on the previous learning session. A '---' BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK. The initial cost varies with the size and subject /|~|\ matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs are available, / |=| \ covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to / | | \ different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small | | | | enough to be held in the hands, may contain an | | | | entire learning schedule. | | | | | |=| | Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep | //A\\ | cost; no batteries are needed, since the power, | /// \\\ | thanks to an ingenious device patented by the |/// \\\| jgs makers, is supplied by the brain of the user. ` ` BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the subject of the BOOK is normally indicated on the back of the binding. Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge (BOOK) seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it. .======. .-----,,----------------------------------------,_ /((((((()\ : ||---------------------------------------< `-._ ((/// \)) : ||----------------------------------------> _D ((/`__ __()) : ||---------------------------------------< _.-' /`-{_o}^{o_}'\ `-----``----------------------------------------' \_ _\ _/ \ .__, / ---------- Press Review: ----------- \ `-' / /`----'\ *BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem .-"""`------'`""-. "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". jgs ` Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider: "It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request. "Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "Cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." "A flick of the finger turns it over" will obviously be a major user interface flaw. Such over-reliance on the finger invites lawsuits over carpal-tunnel and other debilitating syndromes. "BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical. "The motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user." Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously. We suggest the inventors return to their cubicles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A young boy about eight years old was at the corner, mom&pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of Tide detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the coun- ter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told- .--. .--. you-so, said he was sorry the dog died / /\ ". _......_ ." /\ \ but added, "I tried to tell you not to / / ` ` \ \ use that detergent on your dog." ( ( /' _ __ `\ ) ) \ /| /0} {0\\ |\ / "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think ` | / \/// | ` it was the detergent that killed him." \ \ / \ / / `\ \| .==. |/ /' "Oh? What was it then?" `\\.' \ / './/' jgs /`'._-^^-_.'`\ "I think it was the rinse cycle!" `""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Have you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar with a suit case in hand? |\ He opened it.. pulled out a little piano.. and a piano stool. _| \ Reaching into his pocket and pulled out a mouse. He (_| | .---. put the mouse on the piano stool, the mouse then _| / 6_6 began to play a classical piece. The crowd in the (_| \_ (__\ bar began to gather and look in wonder. The man // \\ then pulled out a bird and placed him on the piano, (( )) the Bird then began to sing a Paccini aria in =======""===""======= crystal clear Italian. A man at the end of the jgs ||| bar had become very excited about all this and ||| offered the man $100,000 dollars for the whole setup. '|' The owner said no. The other man offered the money for just the Bird, exclaiming that he loved that voice of the bird so much he just ___ had to have it. The owner agreed _ _ .-' '-. and sold the bird for $100,000. (.)(.)/ \ jgs The bartender questioned the /00 ; owner of the setup and told him o_\\-mm-......-mm`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` that the whole thing was worth millions. The man replied that it was ok the mouse is a ventriloquist. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , , || Blue 24... || || || || The huge college freshman decided to try out for || || the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. || || "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run || || smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. || || "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" || || "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off || || like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run || || a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. || || "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated || || for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can || || swallow it, I can probably pass it." || |'-----------------------------------------------------------'| '---------------------------. .----------------------------' ___ | | .-"/=/=/"-. | | ( ) | | jgs '._ _.' | | `"""` | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A tortoise was walking back from the pub late one evening when he was mugged by three snails. Later on whilst taking giving a statement at the police station the officer in charge asked... .-.-.-._ "So can you tell me what happened?" .~\ /~\_/ \. .~\_/~\_/ \_/~\. "Not really" replied the tortoise .~\_/ \_/ \_/ \_/~\ .----. /\_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/\ "it all happened so fast". (o)(o)`\_ /_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_\ | , |/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \\. _.; \ " / |\_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/~\"'_.' `--'`--\/_\-/-\_/-\-/ \_/-\_/_\.-"" /~/"""| |"""""| |'"\~\ jgs _/ / _| | _| | \ \ oo .--. oo .--. oo .--. (___| (___| (___| (___| \\(____)_ \\(____)_ \\(____)_ `~~~~~~~` `~~~~~~~` `~~~~~~~` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ (.\_/.) \6 6/ =\ /= Recently scientists took the /O\ / sperm of a rat and fertilized / \ ( the egg of a mouse with it. U U ) jgs (| |)/ I heard they made a lawyer. w'-'w _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \_/-.--.--.--.--.--. Why is a caterpillar able to wait (")__)__)__)__)__)__) patiently in her cocoon? jgs ^ "" "" "" "" "" "" - because she knows she will be out in a moth or so! What do you call a black and _ yellow insect that doesn't know /_/_ .'''. how to use its stinger? =O(_)))) ...' `. jgs \_\ `. .''' - a bumbling idiot `..' John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'