_______ _ |__ __| | April 6, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Dark Sucker Theory .' \ ( , ) For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit '--' '-' light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Elec- tric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. ___ First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory .-"` `"-. is that electric bulbs suck dark. For ex- .' '. ample, take the Dark Sucker in the room you / \ are in. There is much less dark right next / # \ to it than there is elsewhere. The larger | # | the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity | | to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking ; .-~~~-. ; lot have a much greater capacity to suck ; ) ( ; dark than the ones in this room. \ ( ) / \ \ / / So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last \ ) ( / forever. Once they are full of dark, they | | | | can no longer suck. This is proven by the |__|_|__| dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. {=======} }======={ A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new {=======} candle has a white wick. You can see that }======={ after the first use, the wick turns black, jgs{=======} representing all the dark that has been suck- `""u""` ed into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slow- ly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is be- cause the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly open- ed the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ /| |||| .-"` `"-. } | __ A man goes into his favorite |||| |||| .' .-'`'-. '. } | / \ restaurant after being away |||| \ / / .' '. \ } | ;(); for several months. His fav- \ / || / ; ; \ \| \ / orite waiter greets him and || || | ; ; | || || takes him to his favorite %% %% | ; ; | %% %% table. The man notices that %% %% \ ; ; / %% %% the waiter has a spoon stick- %% %% \ '. .' / %% %% ing out of his breast pocket %% %% '. `-.,.-' .' %% %% on his jacket. Curious, the jgs %% %% '-.,___,.-' %% %% man asks the waiter: "Why is a spoon sticking out of your pocket?". The waiter explains that the restaurant manager has hired an efficiency expert to improve the service . The expert had determined that, when a customer was first seated at his table and picked up his table napkin to put into his lap, at times, the spoon placed on the napkin with the place setting would fall to the floor. This would mean that the waiter would then have to go back to the kitchen to get another spoon which would take extra time. So, if a spare spoon is kept by the waiter in his pocket, then time would be saved by using this spoon to replace the one which fell to the floor. The man thought that was an excellent time saving idea. After an excel- lent meal the man noticed that the bus boy, who was clearing the dishes from his table, had a foot-long string hanging from the fly on the front of his trousers. Seeing this, the man called the waiter over to inquire if the string had anything to do with the efficiency expert. The waiter explained that it certainly did because the bus boy was very important to the efficiency of operations by clearing tables quickly in order that new customers would not be kept waiting for a table. The waiter went on to explain that, because the bus boy would normally need to go to the bathroom from time to time, this would take extra time away from clearing tables. And since the health regulations require that any employee who goes to the bathroom must wash his hands before returning to work, this would take even more time. The efficiency expert had tied the string to the bus boys penis so the boy could pull it out of his pants without touching it when he went to the bathroom, thereby eliminating the need to wash his hands and thereby, saving time. The man thought this over for a moment and then ask the waiter. "How does he get his penis back into his pants when he finishes going to the bathroom?" The waiter replied: "That's what the spoon is for!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,\ A Rabbit Meal... \\\,_ \` ,\ A man enters a restaurant and orders a __,.-" =__) rabbit meal. The meal comes and man jgs ." ) begin to eat. But he feels that it tastes _/ , \/\_ different than rabbit meat. He calls the {_| )_-\ \_-` chef and asks if the meal is really made `-----` `--` of rabbit. ,)))))))),,, The chef says with shame, "Excuse me sir, ,(((((((((((((((, as you know the rabbit meat is very )\`\)))))))))))))), expensive, so we add some horse meat /// _ ``((((((((( to it." \\\ b\ \ ``))))))) ))\ | ((((((((( The man gets angry; "How much do you add?" ( \ |`. )))))))) \, / ) ((((((((( The chef answers; "fifty percent rabbit, `" / ))))))) fifty percent horse." / ((((`` | )) The man says; "What do you mean by fifty-fifty?" jgs \ The chef's face gets red, "1 rabbit, 1 horse ...." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) o . ' o () o , . o o(_,-o(_ )(),(__(_)oO)_.O _, .()__'.O (_o .')_'. ,o(_,-o(_ ) '_(_0o),(__)o().'_(_0o)_)o()o(_,-o(_ )(), ,o(__),_)o(_)O,(__)o,o(__),_)O,(__)o _o(_, o(_,-o(_ )(),(__(_)oO)_.O(__)o,_)o(_)Oo_),o(,-o .O(__)o,__).(_ )o(_)Oo_),o(__),_)o(_)O,(__)oo(_)o | | | | | | | | | | |`o|_)0 .----| | Old man Murphy had worked down at | |o_,) / | | the brewery for years, but one day | |(_o | __| | he just wasn't paying attention and| |O () | / | | he tripped on the walkway and fell | | ,) | | | | over into the beer vat and drowned.| |o_) | | | | The foreman thought it should be | |' | | | | his job to inform the widow Murphy | | | | | | of her old man's death. He showed | | | | | | up at the front door and rang the | | | | | | bell. When she came to the door, | | | \__| | he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, | | \ | | but poor old Murphy passed away at | | '----| | work today when he fell into the | | | | vat and drowned." She wept and | | | | covered her face with her apron and| | | | after a time, between sobs, she | | | | asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" | | | | "I don't think so," said the fore- | | | | man, "He got out three times to go | | jgs | | to the men's room." | | \ \ \ \ \ \ / / / / / / `""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""-. A Talking Duck... / \ / (6 \______ A talking duck waddles into a store | "_____) and asks the salesguy, "Got any \ ,-----' grapes?" \_ _/ / \ "No," answered the guy. / \ / \ The duck waddles out. A little later / \ it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" / : | / ; : | The clerk replies, "No! Like I told \\\ / _.-' : | you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have \\\\ / _' : | any grapes!" \\\\/ ; : / \\ ; : / The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later \ `._`-'_.' _/ he's back again, asking, "Got any \ ''' _.-' grapes?" \ / / jgs \ / / In a real snit now, the clerk yells, \ /)(_______ "No I don't have any goddamn grapes! )(_________< (__________< You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?" The guy says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready _ for some wild sex. Give me the best suite in mMm _[_]_ the house!" /(_)\ (_) //)^(\\//:\\ "Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?" /(/&@&\)\|~|/ / /-~`~-\ ||| "Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold `/ \||| on to her ears 'til she gets the hang of it" jgs `-------'-'-- _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-----. What sea creature goes great (_______) between two pieces of bread? ) (.) ( (. ( ) ). ) - the peanut butter and jellyfish! (.( )(. ) ). ) ( '( . jgs ' ) __ /..\ What is a snake's favorite subject? ___ \_c==< , /\_/\ /\/ |\_/-/ \-\_/\/ - Hisssss-tory jgs \/_\/ \/_\/ John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'