_______ _ |__ __| | April 27, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Fun At The Fair .' \ ( , ) The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. '--' '-' They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride com- pleted, she seemed rather bored. ______ .-' . . .'-. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. / ' \ ' \ | ' \ ' | "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young | : () : | man took her over to the weight guesser. | . . | \ . . . . / "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and `-.______.-' he was absolutely right. )( / \ Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, / ?? \ he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, (weight) then he asked what else she would like to do. ___)____(___ [____________] "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark _.-'| _.-' | _.-' | I heard you had herpes... .-'____________|______ and I feel terrible... | | I'd say "Get well soon"... | H A P P Y | but I know it's incurable. | V A S E C T O M Y! | | | _.-'| | Hope you feel | _.-' | | zippy... | _.-' | | | .-'____________|______ | Cause when I | | | | got one, I felt | | My tire was thumping | | really snippy! | |I thought it was flat | | __ | | .-==-. | | (__) _,.-~> | | / \ | | __`~~>_.-~` | | | () | | | (__)~` `~-.> | | \ / | jgs | | | '-==-' | `---------------------` | When I looked | | at the tire... | So your daughter's a hooker, | | and it spoiled your day... | I found your cat. | look at the bright side, | /\-/\ | she's a really good lay. | =(^ Y ^)= .-. | | /'-^-'\_/ ` | _.-'| | (_,---,_) | _.-' | jgs | ...sorry! | _.-' | `----------------------` .-'____________|________ | | Heard your wife left you... | You had your bladder | How upset you must be... | removed and you're | Don't fret about your wife though, | on the mends... | She's moving in with me. | . . . . . . | | )'.: @() :.'( | | ('.'. ()@() .'.') | You totaled your car... | )'.'. ()@()@) .'.'( | and can't remember why... | ('.'. _\|/_ .'.') | maybe it was... | )'.'. |-----| .'.'( | that case of Bud Dry | ('.'.___\___/___.'.') | | Here's a bouquet of | _.-'| | flowers and... | _.-' | | a box of Depends! | _.-' | | .-----. | .-'____________|______ | /____./| | | | | | | | | | Your computer | | | |/ | | is dead... | jgs | '-----' | | and it was so alive | `-----------------------` | _______ | | |.-----.| | | ||x . x|| | So you lost your job... | ||_---_|| | It's one of those hardships | `--)-(--` | in life... | __[=== o]___ | Next time, work harder... | |:::::::::::|\ | and stay 'way from jgs | `-=========-`() | the boss's wife. | You shouldn't have | | installed: | | | | -= Win'95 =- | `---------------------` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Amusing But Irrelevant Facts... *The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred. *There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. *Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. *Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. *In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. *In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. *An average person laughs about 15 times a day. *The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. *The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s. *The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. *America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. *A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. *The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. *The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. *Every person has a unique tongue print. *Women's hearts beat faster than men's. *Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. *Most American car horns honk in the key of F. *About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.] *Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. *Most lipstick contains fish scales. *Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. *The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. *27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." *Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. *"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) There Once was _(\_/) Once there was a farmer who a farmer... ,((((^`\ couldn't distinguish between (((( (6 \ his 2 horses. Since he didn't ,((((( , \ know what to do he asked his ,,,_ ,((((( /"._ ,`, neighbor for an advice. ((((\\ ,... ,(((( / `-.-' ))) ;' `"'"'""(((( ( "Why don't you trim the tail ((( / ((( \ of one of the horses", advised )) | | the neighbor. (( | . ' | )) \ _ ' `t ,.') "You are a very clever man", ( | y;- -,-""'"-.\ \/ said the farmer. ) / ./ ) / `\ \ |./ ( ( / /' For a couple of months it was || \\ //'| all right, but then the tail jgs || \\ _//'|| grew back to its normal size. || )) |_/ || \_\ |_/ || "You'd better trim the mane `'" \_\ of one of the horses", advised `'" again the neighbor. For another couple of months it was ok, but then the mane grew back. "I think the best thing to do is to look for something characteristic that doesn't vary with the time, like the height of the horses", said the neighbor. "You are a very wise man, I'll measure it and tell you about it." After a few hours the farmer returned to his neighbor: "You were perfectly right, I've measured their height and indeed the white horse is 3 inch taller than the black one." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man... Dear Bad Answer Man, Recently money has been getting tight, and I barely have enough for groceries. Often when I see my neighbor's cat and let her in my apart- ment for awhile, it occurs to me that eating the cat would be a good way to save a little grocery money. _ |\_ How do you suggest I prepare the \` ..\ cat for dinner? __,.-" =__Y= jgs ." ) Funny Bone Reminder: _ / , \/\_ The Bad Answer Man's advice is not ((____| )_-\ \_-` always the best advice, but, it is `-----'`-----` `--` always *FREE* advice... The Bad Answer Man's Reply: This is what I do with stray pets that I have invited in for dinner. I take the lost pet to the nearest Chinese take out. Go to the back entrance and knock. When they answer the door just tell them you will give them half of the animal if they agree to clean and prepare the meat for you. Sometimes they will want more than half but that is up to you to do the negotiations. Either way you will wind up with some fresh meat, deliciously prepared, and ready to eat. Hint: If you can talk them into throwing in some fried rice, eggroll, and a fortune cookie... then you have a complete meal! If you have a question for the Funny Bone Bad Answer Man, please e-mail it to... advise@funnybone.com _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Problem With Modern Art... _________ The junior sales manager complained to his wife of {_________} aches and pains. Neither could account for his trouble. \/X\X/X\/ Arriving home one night from work, he informed her, |X/X\X/X| "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. |\X/X\X/| We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, |X\X/X\X| and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the |/X\X/X\| wastebasket." ^^^^^^^^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Double D's A woman walks into X-Mart and asks the clerk where she can find some D batteries. The clerk crooks her finger and gestures for the woman to follow her saying, "Come this way." The woman replies, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!" .-==============-. .-==============-. | EVEREADY | | DURACELL | (| + - | (| + - | | | | | jgs '-===============' '-==============-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,_ _, |\\___//| |=6 6=| Want Ad... \=._Y_.=/ , ) ` ( Lovely kitten desires position as companion to )) / \ little girl. Will also do light mouse work. (( | _| __ \\_/| | (,).-" ". jgs`-\| |._/', _ ( )_______, '"' `^'"` """"'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ Unix is the answer, ||""|| but only if you phrase ||__|| the question very jgs [ -=.]`) carefully....... ====== 0 John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'