_______ _ |__ __| | May 4, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | An Englishman In Australia .' \ ( , ) An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay '--' '-' in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that Kangaroo?" The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting." Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel." They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man |\\._ with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps | 66__ of the hotel. The husband charges in and says, \ _.P "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in , `) ( your 5 STAR hotel and what happens? We are driv- )\ / __\__ ing down the road and we come across a drover in / / / -._);_) copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recur- | `\/ \ __|\ rence of the same thing. Then we get back here \ ; ) / ) only to find a man with one leg, ONE WOODEN LEG, `\| /__/ /__ masturbating on your steps. jgs `\______)___) Well, what do you have to say about that!?" The manager says, "'Struth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ______ Three hunters, a Texan, a Californian jgs / /\ and an Coloradan, are gathered around / / \ a campfire. The three have been drink- /_____/----\_ ( ing and bragging about the virtues of " " ). their home states. _ ___ o (:') o (@))_)) o ~/~~\~ o Suddenly, the Texan says, "Watch this." o o o He opens a bottle of tequila, takes a swig, tosses it in the air, pulls out a pearl-handled revolver and shoots the bottle cleanly in two. "It's a shame to waste that good liquor," the Californian says. "It's OK," the Texan replies. "Where I come from, we've got plenty of that." Not to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of white zin- fandel. He pulls off the cork, takes a drink, throws the bottle in the air, whips out an assault rifle and blasts the bottle, sending shards of glass everywhere. "Shame to waste good wine," the Texan says. "It's OK," the Californian says. "We've got plenty in my state." At this point, the Coloradan stands up. He pulls out [=] a Coors, twists off the cap and guzzles the entire | | beer. He throws the bottle high in the air, pulls }@{ out a shotgun, empties both barrels into the Californ- / \ ian and neatly catches the bottle. The Texan stands :___; in shock. The Coloradan calmly puts the gun down. |&&&| |&&&| "It's OK," he says, "We've got plenty of them in my |---| state. Besides, this bottle is worth a nickel." '---' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ _ _ _ >(')____, >(')____, >(')____, >(')____, >(') ___, (` =~~/ (` =~~/ (` =~~/ (` =~~/ (` =~~/ jgs~^~^`---'~^~^~^`---'~^~^~^`---'~^~^~^`---'~^~^~^`---'~^~^~ A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear", the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away. "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed, "what have you been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on - suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!", sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "Not anymore, no", she answered. "Too bad, I'll have to use another duck." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---------------------------------. || || || || || A man walked into a bar and || ||ordered a glass of white wine. || || He took a sip of the wine, || || then tossed the remainder || || the bartender's face. || || || || Before the bartender could || || recover from the surprise, || || the man began weeping. || ||"I'm really sorry. I keep doing|| || that to bartenders. I can't || || tell you how embarrassing it || .----------------------------------. || is to have a compulsion || || || || like this." || || || || || || Before long, he was suggesting || || Far from being angry, the || || that the man see a psycho- || || bartender was sympathetic. || || analyst about his problem. || \\.___________________________.// ||"I happen to have the name of a || '-----------. .-----------' || psychoanalyst,"the bartender || ) ( || said. "My brother and my wife || ( ) || have both been treated by him, || \ / || and they say he's as good as || | | || they come." The man wrote down || | | ||the name of the doctor, thanked || | | || the bartender, and left. || | | || The bartender smiled, knowing || | | || he'd done a good deed for a || | | || fellow human being. || | | || Six months later, the man was || | | || back. "Did you do what I || | | ||suggested?" the bartender asked,|| | | ||serving the glass of white wine.|| .-------------------------------. ||"I certainly did," the man said.|| || || || "I've been seeing the psycho- || || || || analyst twice a week." He took || || || ||a sip of the wine. Then he threw|| ||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|| || the remainder into the || || || || bartender's face. || || The flustered bartender || \\.____________________________.// || wiped his face with a towel.|| '-----------. .-----------' || "The doctor doesn't seem || ) ( || to be doing you any good," || ( ) || he spluttered. || \ / || || | | || "On the contrary," the || | | || man said," he's done me || | | || a world of good." || | | || || | | || "But you just threw the || | | || wine in my face again!" || | | || the bartender exclaimed. || | | || || | | || "Yes" the man said. || | | || "But it doesn't || | | || embarrass me anymore!" || _| |_ \\._________________________.// .-~~` `~~-. `---------. .---------' (` `) ) ( `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` ( ) \ / | | | | In The Pink... | | | | .---..---. | | / V \ | | __|__________|__ | | '--/// \\\--' | | ( 6 6 ) _| |_ : ) ; .-~~` `~~-. \ == / (` `) `-.__.-` `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` __ _(\__/)_ __ _ _ /` / \(><)/ \ `\ (_'------------------------'_) / \ |::::| / \ (_.========================._) | / /::::\ \ | | | | / |::::| \ | | A man goes into a pub wearing a pink suit, | | \ |'::'| / | | pink shirt, pink tie, pink hat, pink shoes, | | \_/ :: \_/ | | and pink socks. He goes to the bar to | | |____|o | | to order a drink. |_| |____|o |_| |_\ | |o /_| "Why are you wearing a pink suit, pink shirt, / \___| L_ |___/ \ pink tie, pink hat, pink shoes and pink ((((|| || ||)))) socks?", asks the barman. | || | | || | "Well", answers the man, "I always wear a pink | || | suit, pink shirt, pink tie, pink hat, pink | || | shoes and pink socks on a Wednesday." | || | jgs |___ || ___| "But it's Thursday", replies the barman. __[____||____]__ ( )( ) "Oh dear, I do feel silly!" answers the man. `---'== =='---' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , /:\ A man is walking down the street when he sees an >:< Indian lying on the ground with his ear against >:< the ground listening. He walks up to him and >:< says, "Can Indians really hear things with your ,,,,,\:/ ear on the ground like that?" ######### //////\\\\\ "Yes," replies the Indian. // /_\ /_\ \\ \( 0 _ 0 )/ "What do you hear?" the man asks. /\\= _\ =/\\ \\/\ --- /\\/ "I hear a 1996 Cadillac ElDorado, blue white //\ '---' //\ vinyl top, Mag wheels, AM-FM radio, tilt wheel, \// \// air bags, blond lady driving car with black dog /\\ /\\ in the back seat." \\/ \\/ # # "You mean to tell me you can hear all that with jgs " " your ear to the ground?" "Hear it heck," says the Indian, "The car ran over me 10 minutes ago." John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'