_______ _ |__ __| | May 11, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Become An Instant World Power Overnight .' \ ( , ) Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of '--' '-' world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical wea- pons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected annihilation? Lease a nuclear device! _ ._ _ , _ ._ (_ ' ( ` )_ .__) ( ( ( ) `) ) _) (__ (_ (_ . _) _) ,__) `~~`\ ' . /`~~` ; ; / \ _____________/_ __ \_____________ In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousands of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual deto- nation is not normally necessary to achieve tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally an- nounce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encour- agement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear tech- nology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to acquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corporation for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ __ / \Y \ Cowboy Joe... __/______\__ `~~// 6 6\~~` A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes C 7 | inside and orders a drink. \ '='/ \__/ He's just about got the glass of whiskey /\ |\ to his lips, when a guy comes running up .-`\_\_//\ to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your /-. `|o |\ __ house is burnin!" The man leaps up, runs | | | | \ |\/ / out and jumps on his horse just as he | | |o | \ /`\_/ thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house." | | | | Y / | | |o |\ / He goes back in and sits down, and raises \ \ | | `--' the glass to his lips again. Just then a \ \__|o_| man comes running up to the door and yells, `\ /I=[]=| "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!" So he leaps |`/ ) | up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts \ : | | to head down the street when he thinks... |: | | "Wait a minute, my dad died years ago." |: | | |: ) ) He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, \'.|, | he's just about to take a sip of his whis- |: || | key when another guys runs up. "Joe! Con- |: || | gratulations! You've won the lottery! |: || | There's a pile of money waiting for you |:_||_| down at the post office!" The cowboy gets |===|==| up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying | | | towards the post office. He almost gets jgs |& \ \ there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. *( , `'-.'-. My name ain't Joe..." `"`"""""`""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Customer: Waiter, come here quick! There's a / \ spider in my soup! '\ \__O__/ /` `--(_)--' Waiter come running.. .---/ \---. / /'(>I<)`\ \ Waiter: Let me have that sir. I'll be back in ` \ `-' / ' a minute. jgs \ / A Few minutes later, the waiter came back and put a bowl of soup on the customer's table. Customer (angry): Hey, waiter, this is the same bowl of soup! And the spider is still swimming in it! Waiter (cooly): Oh, I was only borrowing it for a while - you see, sir, the lady at the other table complained about a fly. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) o __...__ * * .--' __.=-. o | ./ .-' -O- / / | / '"/ * | (@) | \ . | \ * | ___\ | | . / ` -O- \ `~~\ | o \ \ * `\ `-.__ . . `--._ `--'jgs `---~~` * * o During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aero- nautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After consid- erable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A sixteen year old virgin goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday." "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked. "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission" "Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm. "Yes father." "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he also touched my breasts." "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he took off my clothes." "Like this??" He takes off her clothes. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where." "Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where. "Yes father," she says sometime later, after catching her breath. "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he has AIDS." "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-'~~`~~'-._ .'` B E R `'. / I T \ A burglar's wife was badgering /` .-'~"-. `\ him for money. ; L / `- \ Y ; ; /> `. -.| ; "Okay, okay, stop nagging," | /_ '-.__) | grumbled the man. | |- _.' \ | | ; `~~; \\ ; "I'll go and withdraw some as soon ; INGODWE / \\)P ; as the bank closes!" \ TRUST '.___.-'`" / `\ /` '._ 1 9 9 7 _.' jgs `'-..,,,..-'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. /_____\__ `\/6.6\/--` ( _ ) ,'---', / _ \ /\/ (_) \/\ Children who have a well \ | (_) | / balanced breakfast before \| |/ school are the only ones |_____| who throw up in gym class. | | | | | | \__|__/ |_|_| jgs _|_|_|_ (___|___) John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://gosite.com ( , ) jgs '-' '--'