_______ _ |__ __| | May 25, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man On Religion .' \ ( , ) The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man receives many questions '--' '-' about religion. Confusion, misinformation, and rumors can run rampant. The Bad Answer Man has compiled the following to help clarify some of the myths that surround religion and some of the often misunderstood concepts. _|_ The publishing house for the Jehovah's Witnesses | is called the Watchtower Tract and Bible Society. | Why? Well, many witches start every meeting by / \ calling the "watchtowers" of each direction. //_\\ (So, they say, do the Masons.) Now you know: //(_)\\ Masons and Jehovah's Witnesses are just fronts |/^\| for witchcraft! ||_|| // \\ A lot of fundamentalist churches talk about // \\ "sanctification" all the time. If you look at // === \\ the word closely, SAncTificAtioN, you can plain- // =-=-= \\ ly see the word "SATAN" spelled out. Sanctifi- // === \\ cation is used by preachers who are really devil //| |\\ worshippers! | | | __ __ | Most ministers use "Amen" a lot in their ser- | | | | | vices, and at the end of all their prayers. | | -|- | | If you look back to ancient Egypt you'll find |_|__|__|_| that Egyptian priests always ended their jgs /` ======= `\ prayers with "Amen" as well. This is because /` ======= `\ the Egyptian sun-god was named Amen (or Amon) and they constantly called out the name of their god. So-called Chris- tian ministers are actually worshippers of ancient Egyptian gods! The Bible plainly says to rest on the seventh day, the Sabbath or Satur- day, but most Christian ministers insist on meeting on Sunday, the first day. Why? Well, as you noted above, most ministers really worship the sun god, so why not have services on the "day of the sun"? In the Dark Ages, when the Church ruled Europe, it charged everyone a tax, called a "tithe," of ten percent of their income, to pay for pro- tection. Later, when church and state were separated, the state took over levying the tax (to pay for police and military protection). Yet, many churches today still insist on making you pay your 10% tax, even though they no longer offer any protection at all! In Old England, "Hel" was the name people gave the earth itself. When you died and were buried, they said you "went to Hel." The Churches, to frighten people into paying them the tithes (see above), pretended "Hell" was a scary place of eternal torture. A lot of fundamentalist preachers, especially Southern Baptist ones, preach a doctrine called "premillenialism" or "before the thousand years." This means that Christ will come to earth a thousand years before he's due to come! How can this be so? (After all, Christ can't arrive 1000 years before he arrives, can He?) These ministers actually await the coming of the Anti-Christ! Premillenialism is a code-word word for people who worship the Anti-Christ. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .:. .:. .:. _oOoOo _oOoOo oOoOo_ Three Men In A Bar... [_||||| [_||||| |||||_] ||||| ||||| ||||| A man walks into a bar, sits down jgs ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another, and be- fore long he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender. "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!" The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?" "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones." "Well," replies the bartender, "those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /:""| .@@@@@, (\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@@@@, Sometimes The Truth Works Better Than \/ C` _) aa`@@@@@@ A Lie... \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ ) / =' @@@@" A married man and his secretary were having /`\\ \(``` a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't || |Y| //`\ contain their passion, so they rushed over to || |.| / | || (\/) her place where they spent the afternoon mak- || |.| \ | || \/ ing passionate love. When they were finished || |.| \| || they fell asleep and didn't wake up 'till 8 :| |=: |_|\ o'clock. ||_|,| |_| \ \)))|| ((( | They got dressed quickly. Then the man told (\/) | || |____| his secretary to take his shoes outside and \/ | || |____| rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does > )) | || as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). | || | || | || | || The man finally gets home and his wife meets |_||__ /~)) him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's jgs (____)) /_/YY been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Politically Correct, 100% Safe, Totally Generic, Ethnic Joke (Everyone Be Warned: This Joke Might Be Poking Fun At You!) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly consid- ered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belong- ing to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereo- typical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes asso- ciated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a _____ remark with a double meaning, the first meaning /.===.\ of which could be interpreted to indicate his \ // \\ agreement with his companion, but the other \/\ \\ // meaning of which serves to corroborate his \ \ ` //' membership in his particular ethnic group. \ \ ||' \ \/ || The first person took offense at his remark, \/\ and reacted in a stereotypical way! \ () _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some adver- tising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!" ____ | | O ~O O O_ ~O O O ~O O O_ ~O \O | | /|\ /|\ |\ /| /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ |\ /| /|\ |\ | o| |\ /| |\ |\ |\ /| |\ /| |\ |\ |\ /| | | |/ / | / | | \ | | / | |/ / | / | | \ | | / | |____| _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""""-. |== ==|-. You May Be Able To Take The Banker |~~ ~~~|`\\ Out Of The Bank... But... |LILILI| || | |// A banker was told by his doctor to quit his job | |/ and get a less stressful one. So, after 25 years | | as a banker, he found himself pumping gas. The __|______|__ first morning he opened for business, a customer [____________] drove in and asked for ten gallons of gasoline. "Where are you going?" the former banker asked. "To Chicago and back," was the reply. The banker looked at the man and said sternly, "Don't you think you can make it on five gallons?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) John Nunley _ .-. nunley@goodnet.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' | | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website | | http://www.funnybone.com _|66 | (__, | Write for subscription info L_,)| | | ASCII Art by Joan Stark ,_/ | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | | | The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server / '. http://www.funnybone.com/gs ( , ) jgs '-' '--'