_______ _ |__ __| | June 1, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | A New Host For The Mailing List! .' \ ( , ) The Funny Bone mailing list has a new host: a majordomo '--' '-' mailing list server. You may be wondering... "what does this mean to me?" It mostly means that the process of subscribing and unsubscribing has been automated. To simplify this all Funny Bone mailings will contain instructions in the signature for how to subscribe or unsubscribe. By writing to detailed instructions for how to subscribe yourself or a friend are automatically e-mailed back to you. By writing to detailed instructions for how to unsubscribe yourself are sent to you. I want to encourage everyone to write to . This is also an auto-responding e-mail address that provides lots of useful in- formation, such as the Funny Bone FAQ and a list of Funny Bone mailing addresses. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Understanding the Technology of Majordomo The Funny Bone artmaster (Joan Stark) has created the following pictor- ial flow chart to help Funny Bone readers understand the internal work- ings of the Majordomo mail server. _ .----------/ |<=== floppy disk / | | / /| | _________ / / | | | .-----. | /___________/ /| | |=| |-| [____________]/ | | |~|_____|~| | ___ | | | '-| |-' | / _) | | | |.....| function ======>|.' | | | | |<=== The Funny Bone key | | | | input |.....| Mailing List | | | | `--._| main =>| | | | | de-bugging || storage | | | ;______|_________________ tool ====>|| | | |.' ____\|/_______________ `. || | | /| (______________________) )<== user || |____________|/ \___________________________/ interface || '--||----: `'''''.__ | || || jgs `""";"""-.'-._ <== normal flow | central || || | `-. `'._of operation /<== processing || || | `\ '-. / unit || surge ().-. | | : /` || control ==>(_((X)) | .-. : <======= output || device '-' \ | \ ; /_________ .-''-. `\ \|/ '-..-' | /_\ /| /______\ /`-.____ | / / [____] / _ /_____________| _ / /_ peripherals ==>/_\___________________/_\__/ /~ )__ (hardware) |____________________________|/ ~ ) |\\\ ///| (__~ ~ ~(~~` | \\V// | overflow (input/output error) ===> (_~_ ~ ~_ `) | |~| | _________ `--~-' '` | |=| | _|`---------`| supplemental data ===>| | | | (C| |<=== back-up (()____ | | | | `\ / (' `\______, \ |=| / `=========` mouse ==> `,,---,,' \|_|/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man on Computers /\ /\ |`\\_,--="=--,_//`| \ ." :'. .': ". / ==) _ : ' : _ (== |>/O\ _ /O\<| | \-"~` _ `~"-/ | >|`===. \_/ .===`|< jgs .-"-. \===' | '===/ .-"-. .-----{'. '`}---\, .-'-. ,/---{.'. '}-----. | `"---"` `~-===-~` `"---"` | | .-------------------------------. | | | | | | | The Funny Bone Bad Answer | | | | Man prides himself as a | | | | computer consultant... | | | | He is pleased to finally | | | | have simple explanations | | | | to typical new user | |\ | | questions. | |'\ | | | |.'`\ | | The sad thing is, most | |'.'`} | | of them will believe him. | } '. } | | | /.'`./ | '-------------------------------' /. './ _| _ /.`'./ (.\-/.)--------.__________________.-------{.'. { \6 6/ / \ `\.'`\ ( =\ /= ______/....................\______ \.'.\ \ /O\ | | }'.'} ) / \ | [[[[[[[[[[ === () () () | {'.'/ ( U U | ________ | `~` \(| |)| [[[[[[[[[[ === [________] | _w___w_:----------------------------------:_______ | [] [][][][] [][][][] [][][][] [][][] == ===== | | | | [][][][][][][][][][][][][][]_ [][][] [][][][] | | [_][][][][][][][][][][][][]| |[][][] [][][]|| | | [] [][][][][][][][][][][][__| [][][]|| | | [__] [][][][][][][][][][][___] [] [][][]|| | | [_] [_][_____________][_] [_][][][] [__][]|| | '--------------------------------------------------' Simple Glossary of Computer Terminology DISK-SPACE: in the back of your computer is a small plastic pouch that fills with air whenever you turn your machine on. Anything you type on the screen is pumped into the plastic envelope. If you type too much, the envelope bursts open and oxygenates your hard drive. MEMORY: two small antennae are wedged somewhere inside your keyboard. These antennae constantly sift obscure bandwidths until they establish a connection with a post office (a different post office is designated each day by the Internet to ensure security). There are two kinds of memory: virtual memory and magnetic memory. Virtual memory refers to numbers in your hard-drive that aren't really there at all. Magnetic memory refers to the spools of chromium-oxide tape that store phone numbers. RAM: an acronym for "Regulated Automatic Mediator." This is a device, shaped somewhat like a tuning fork, that helps align a computer's internal gyroscopes. DISK-DRIVE: This is a small capsule that emits ultrasound. The result- ant harmonics within the hard-drive help create a tolerable atmosphere for the alphanumerics floating inside the memory. MODEM: a modem is a gelatin-based protein derivative that fuels the hard-drive. It can be purchased via Home Shopping Network and injected directly into the machine through its air vents. INTERNET: an AM radio station that computers tune into every Thursday morning at 9:00 AM, Eastern Time, to re-establish the harmonic flex- ibility of their CPUs. Humans can, of course, listen to the Internet as well, but all that can be heard is a shrill, whining noise. E-MAIL: a piece of mail that becomes saturated by modem fluid. The United States Postal Service, refusing to handle such contaminated packages, insists that they be exposed to electric current and left to their own devices. The presence of an ambient electrical field causes pieces of e-mail to levitate. They sometimes uplink with the Internet and drift north. For this reason, it is believed that the Internet broadcast tower is located somewhere in Canada or Greenland. DOWNLOAD: the act of deleting a large number of active files by expos- ing them to concentrated Internet rays. This process can only be car- ried out with official authorization, and presents severe hazards to household electrical systems. TELNET: large conceptual sculpture constructed in Europe and since in- corporated into a traveling exhibit. The Telnet emits a low-frequency electromagnetic field that polarizes all CPUs in its vicinity, result- ing in intense binary activity. GOPHERSPACE: disease-ridden software underworld in Toronto. SEARCH-ENGINE: a gasoline-powered hard drive that separates numbers through the application of centrifugal force. These can be purchased through black-market dealers stationed in Gopherspace. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________ Software Warranty |.---------.| ----------------- @)___||_ ||_______ {8*8888*888{______} ||_______> 1. Customer Obligations @) ||_________|| `----)-(----` 1.1. Customer assumes full responsibility ____[=== o]___ that this program meets the specifi- |::::::::::::::|\ cations, capacity, capabilities, jgs `-============-`() and other requirements of said customer, and agrees not to bother the author if the program does not perform as expected, or performs other than expected, or does not perform at all. 1.2. Customer assumes full responsibility for any deaths or injuries that may result from the normal or abnormal operation of this pro- gram. In the event of casualties exceeding 1000 persons or prop- erty damage in excess of $10 million, customer agrees that he or she has stolen the program and we didn't even know he or she had it. 1.3. Customer agrees not to say bad things about the program or the author to anyone claiming to be from "60 Minutes". 2. Very Limited Warranty and Conditions of Sale 2.1. For a period of 90 minutes, commencing from the time you first thought about getting this program, we warrant that this program may or may not be free of any manufacturing defects. It will be replaced during the warranty period upon payment of an amount equal to the original purchase price plus $10.00 for handling. This warranty is void if the program has been examined or run by the user, or if the manual has been read. 2.2. This program is sold on an AS WAS basis. The author makes no warranty that it is, in fact, what we say it is in our propaganda, or that it will perform any useful function. We have no obligation whatsoever other than to provide you with this fine disclaimer. 2.3. Some countries do not allow limitations as to how long an implied warranty lasts, so we refuse to imply anything. 2.4. There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling", this program may spontaneously dis- appear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbors computer system. The author will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. 3. Limitation of Liability 3.1. We have no liability or responsibility to the customer, the cus- tomers agents, our creditors, your creditors, or anyone else. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .----------------. An idiot was waiting in the down- |_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ town L. A. bus station for the .::. | _ : ; _ ) bus to Pasadena. He spotted a jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' machine with a sign that read: YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00 He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena." The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it." He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Three elderly clowns are sitting on a front porch in rocking chairs. Above their heads is a sign that says... O L D C L O W N S H O M E _ _ _ {_} {_} {_} /*\ /*\ /*\ /_*_\ /_*_\ /_*_\ {('o')} {('o')} {('o')} C{{([^*^])}}D C{{([^*^])}}D C{{([^*^])}}D [ * ] [ * ] [ * ] / Y \ / Y \ / Y \ _\__|__/_ _\__|__/_ _\__|__/_ jgs (___/ \___) (___/ \___) (___/ \___) 1st clown: "Laughter is GOOD medicine, but it ain't the BEST medicine." 2nd clown: "Oh, sure ... lot of good it did my hernia!" 3rd clown: "...Tried laughter on my hemorrhoids...'bout killed me..." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \ ' o ' /\ o \ o Two trout are dining in a restaurant >=)'> ' /\ ' when one of them starts waving his \/ \ >=)'> ~ empty glass in the air. The waiter / /\ \/ turns to the busboy and says, ~ >=)'> / . \/ "I think there's a fish out of / water on table three." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) sSSSSSs SS,, SSSS S< ?SSS S> SSS ___)(____ People are more violently (((.\/;)))) opposed to fur than leather \||, )(\'||.//(( because it's safer \\/(/(\||/))\)) to harass rich women \)/)))||(((/(( than motorcycle gangs. " (((||))//' )))||'|\` _ _ (((||))) (_'----------------------------'_) )))||((( (_.============================._) (((||))) )))||((( If you make people think they're thinking, jgs ((((||)))) they'll love you; || || but if you really make them think, |/ |/ they'll hate you. /=) /=) /_/|/_/| _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to subscribe | | write to unsubscribe | | write for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'