_______ _ |__ __| | June 15, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Engineer Identification Test .' \ ( , ) Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants '--' '-' to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. o You walk into a room and notice that a picture ____/_\____ is hanging crooked. You... |`---------`| || A___ || A. Straighten it. || /^\##\ || B. Ignore it. || |LI__| || C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six jgs |.---------.| months designing a solar-powered, self- `"""""""""""` adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interac- tion. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation * Important social contacts * A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: * Get it over with as soon as possible. * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and... (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. .--. .-========-. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no | === [__] | problems handily available, they will create their | [__][__] | own problems. Normal people don't understand this | o ==== | concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't | LILILILI | fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, | LILILILI | it doesn't have enough features yet. | LILILILI | | LILILILI | No engineer looks at a television remote control | __ __ | without wondering what it would take to turn it into | [__][__] | a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without | [__][][] | wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make | [__] == | showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is | OOO | a toy box full of suboptimized and feature-poor toys. '-========-' _ ( | FASHION AND APPEARANCE | __,--./|.--,__ Clothes are the lowest priority .` \ \ / / `. for an engineer, assuming the .` \ | / `. basic thresholds for temperature / / ^|^ \ \ and decency have been satisfied. / / | |o | \ \ /===/ | | | \===\ If no appendages are freezing or /___/ | |o | \___\ sticking together, and if no | | | genitalia or mammary glands are | |o | swinging around in plain view, | | | then the objective of clothing | |o | has been met. Anything else is | | | a waste. | |o | jgs |_____/\_____| (\/) \/ (\/) DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE /))))))))) \/ //) __ __\ ,%%%%%%%%%, Dating is never easy for engineers. C==/_o|^|o_\ ,%%%%%%%%%%%%, A normal person will employ various | _\ ) %/_ _%%%%%%% indirect and duplicitous methods to \ '---'/ /_o|^|o_\=?%%% create a false impression of attrac- _/`-. __.'_ ( /_ @%%, tiveness. Engineers are incapable \ \'====' /%%% of placing appearance above function. jgs _'-----' \%%%" Fortunately, engineers have an ace / ` in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human rela- tionships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expect- ed to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." .-----------------. FRUGALITY |$100 ~~~~~~~ $100| | S o (0) o S | Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is |$100 _==^==_ $100| not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it `-----------------' is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION _.---,._,' /' _.--.< If there is one trait that can /' `' best defines an engineer it is the ability /' _.---._____ to concentrate on one subject to the complete \.' ___, .-'` exclusion of everything else in the environment. /' \\ . This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounc- /' `-. -|- ed dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in | | high-tech areas have started checking resumes | .-'~~~`-. before processing the bodies. Anybody | .' `. with a degree in electrical engineering | | R I P | or experience in computer programming is | | | propped up in the lounge for a few days | | | just to see if he or she snaps out of it. \ \\| |// ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. _..--=--..._ * Space Shuttle Challenger. .-' '-. .-. * Hubble space telescope. /.' '.\/ / * Apollo 13. |=- -=| ( * Titanic. \'. .'/\ \ * Ford Pinto. '-.,_____ _____.-' '-' * Corvair. jgs [_____]=8 The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engi- neer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challeng- es quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a prob- lem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." , /-. At that point it is a good idea for the normal ((___/ __> person to not stand between the engineer and / } the problem. The engineer will set upon the \ .--.( ___ problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork jgs \\ \\ (o__) chop. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep" she said. "Well thank you" said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you" said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure" said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" Queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) jgs // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(")- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- `(___) `(___) `(___) `%%%%% `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /:""| .****, (\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@\ `, A man is going to work one day and \/ C` _)aa`@@@\ \ accidentally slams his penis in the \ ._| (_ ?@@| \ car door. Goes to the doctor, and )_/ =' @@@@| | the doctor says, "We're going to have /`\8\ \(```/ | to put a splint on that." || |8| /^^\ | / || |8| /\::/|| | The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting || |8| \ | ||| \ married in a week." || |~| \| ||| \ :| |=: |:|\\.:.:.::. The Doc replies "Well if we don't, ||_|,| |:| \ ':':':` it's going to be bent for the rest of \)))|| ((( | your life." | :|| | | (\/) | :|| | | \/ Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor ) :|| | \ gets out a couple of tongue depressors | :|| | `\ and some tape and fixes him up. | :|| |:.:. `~-._ |_:||_ /~))\ `~~-._ ...A week later, and he's on jgs (_,__)) /_/YY `':':':':':':` his honeymoon... His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before." So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\__ (\ `\__ A pig and a chicken were walking by a (`, .------.,-' b | church where a gala charity event was `-/ ',__,-"` taking place. Getting caught up in the | `; , | spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken \ ;.----/ ,/ that they each make a contribution. jgs ) // / ( ( \ \ \`.`\ \ \ \ "Great idea!" the chicken cried. # , `-` `" `-`" "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" <^)_//) `(__)_) "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a || contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." ^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents. He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and over- turned the car directly between the house of Mr & Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Balls... ) ( ( ) ________[]_ [] /^=^-^-^=^-^\ /^~^~^~^~^~^~\ /^-^-^-^-^-^-^\ /^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^\ /__^_^_^_^^_^_^_\ /_^_^_^^_^_^_^_^_\ | .==. | ___ | .--. | | |LI| [}{] | /___\ | [}{] |[]| | &&|__|__|_______|&& ." | ". 88|________|__|__|888 ==== (o_|_o) ==== jgs ==== u u ==== ...luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths. _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to subscribe | | write to unsubscribe | | write for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'