_______ _ |__ __| | July 6, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Twelve Commandments of Flaming .' \ ( , ) 1. Make things up about .========. .========. '--' '-' your opponent: It's im- // I .'..' \ // VII.'.".\ portant to make your lies || II .'..'| || VIII.'..| sound true. Preface your argument with || III .'."| || IX ",'.'| the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred || IV ,','.| || X .'".'.| Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to || V '..'.'| || XI .'..'| boot." || VI .'..'| || XII .'".| jgs .\_________/ .\_________/ 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your op- ponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." ) 3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just ( ' waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your ) ,'( terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Power- (' ) ,) house RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until ^^^^^^^^^^ your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a shithead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. 5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort ) of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit (, is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that ) .(' I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, (' , ) slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, ^^^^^^^^^^^ Bertha." 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying. ') 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the ( , ) lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad )'. ( hominem" at least three times per article. Other favor- (' ( . ) ite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," ^^^^^^^^^^^ and "fettucini alfredo." 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to con- vince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'." 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right ) as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want ( ' to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). ) ,'( Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a (' ) ,) flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or ^^^^^^^^^^ both. 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic. 11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. ) 12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 (, rules, remember this one. At some point during your won- ) .(' derful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in (' , ) a flame war with someone who is better than you. This ^^^^^^^^^^^ person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- EXAMPLE...for the Rookie Flamer -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > Dear Joe, I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips. > While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint > on Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking, "Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of swamp slime. > it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba. What? Are you questioning my judgement? I'll have you know that I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS exam. Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! I have therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame, rec.nude, comp.graphics, and rec.arts.wobegon. > Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc. It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the Bible and the Koran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have realized this. > Your article would be much more appropriate there. Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really exist anyway, you AI project, you. ) ( ( ( ( ) () @@ ) (( ( ( ( )( @@ ( )) ) ( ( ( ( ()( /---\ (()( ( _______ ) ) )(@ !O O! )@@ ( ) ) ) < ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( ) /--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() ( | > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( ) | /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( . | | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ .. | \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ . | \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. . | |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ .. \__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. . | |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ . | | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. . | | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) . | | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . . | | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) .. | |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ). ___<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_ C.T.Hart _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A business man checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk that he has no meetings today and would like some "companionship", price is no object. The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life. He tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?" She says, "$1000." He screams, $1000! No hand- job is worth $1000!" She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, "You see that liquor store down there? I bought that store with the money that I got just from hand jobs!" He gives her the money and sure enough the hand- job is like nothing he's ever had before. She does things that he didn't believe were possible with a hand. It's worth every penny. "That's incredible," he says. What do you get for a blow-job?" "$5000." "$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000." She takes him to the window and points, "You see that Rolls-Royce dealership? I bought that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs." He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known. Like rockets and fireworks and explosions. When it's over, he says, " I've GOT to have that pussy!" She takes him to the window, points, and says...... "You see that skyscraper? .| If I had a pussy, I could | | buy that skyscraper." |'| ._____ ___ | | |. |' .---"| _ .-' '-. | | .--'| || | _| | .-'| _.| | || '-__ | | | || | |' | |. | || | | | | || | ___| '-' ' "" '-' '-.' '` |____ jgs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A nun and a biker were .-=-. .-----. standing in an elevator. /.-=-.\ / '. ' .\ Being the nice person that ||_____|| |_.__'_.|} she was she looked over ||. .|| (=(_)^(_)=) at him, smiled and said: || || ; > ; / |\_-_/| \ __';;~~~;;'__ "T. G. I. F." / |=====| \ .'`\ `;;;;;` /`'. | |\_._/| | | | | | | @~| The biker looked back at jgs`--.| T |.--' ( | | " | | ) her and said: "S. H. I. T" The nun was shocked. She turned to the biker and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday". The biker looked back at her and said: "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \ .\ A woman walks into a bar totally nude and asks the jgs ,=" \ barkeep if he can serve her a drink. He looks her ,="\ \ up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't \ \ appear by your appearance that you'll be able to \ ) pay for it." \ \ | \ The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and \ \ shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks. `-. \ ) \ The barkeep takes a look and responds, (_ \ "Ya got anything smaller?" `-. \ `-` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) An English soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise, and the conver- sation turned towards how well fed each of them was. "In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian. "Well", said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day." "That's nothing", said the American, "in the .-~~~~-. US army we have 8000 calories of food a day". / ( ( ' \ | ( ) ) | At this the Russian got very annoyed. \ ) ' } / / "Nonsense", he said, "how could (` \ , / ~) one man eat so much cabbage." `-.`\/_.-' `"" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same /\-/\ way: you send signals here, they receive them there. /o o \ The only difference is that there is no cat." _ =\ Y =/~~~~~~~-,_______________________________________________/ ) '^--' ________________________________________________/ \ / || |---'\ \ Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio. jgs (_(__| ((__| _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'