_______ _ |__ __| | August 3, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Is Thinking Ruining Your Life? .' \ ( , ) It started out innocently enough. I began to think at '--' '-' parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. : I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking '. _ .' and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop my- -= (~) =- self. .' # '. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could /""""" read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the | (')') office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it C _) exactly we are doing here?" \ _| \__/ Things weren't going so great at home either. One <___Y> evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife / \ :\\ about the meaning of life. She spent that night at / | :|\ her mother's. |___| :|/\ | | :|\ \ I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day \ \ :| \ \_ the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, \ \==L| \\\ and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has ///` || become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on | || the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave | || me a lot to think about. | || | || I came home early after my conversation with the | || boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." | || [___]] "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want jgs (____)) a divorce!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with the NPR station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye... "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-'--. .' '. To: All Employees / _ `-. From: Management / .\- \, , Subject: Retirement and Training Policies ; .-|-' \####, |, .-|-' ;#### ,## ` ,|###" As a result of the reduction of money #,####, "#, ,#|^;# budgeted for departmental areas, we have `###### `#####,|##" |`)| been forced to cut down on our number of `##### ```o\`\o_.| ;\ personnel. Under a new plan, older em- (-`\#, .-'` |` : `; ployees will be asked to go on an early `\ ;\#, \ \-' retirement, thus permitting the retention )( \# C,_ \ ; of younger people who will represent our (_, \ / `'./ | future plans. Therefore, a program to \ / | .-`'--'`. | phase out older personnel by the end of jgs | ( \ , /_, | the current fiscal year, via retirement, \ ` `` / will be placed into effect immediately. '-.__ // .' The program will be known as RAPE `'`.__.' (Retire Aged People Early). Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retire- ment takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Author- ity Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employ- ees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate. If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company. In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who re- main on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he, or she, does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. Employees who don't voluntarily take SHIT will nonetheless be placed on the SHIT list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation Pro- grams (DEEP-SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP-SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT-SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are full of SHIT already. If an employee is unable to grasp the concepts of SHIT, he or she will be put on the Opportunities Halted probationary list. (OH-SHIT) If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL-SHIT). Those who are full of BULL-SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT). There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us Giving Hell (TOUGH-SHIT). If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT-SHIT). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational Research Education (MORE-SHIT). This course has its emphasis on how to manage MORE-SHIT. If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the SHIT that is given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP). You too can be a member of management. Simply take all the SHIT you can and you can look for- ward to additional CRAP when you reach the top. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both SHIT and CRAP can count on being one of the elite. Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for you, the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling Our Loyal Employees (ASSHOLE). So work hard and you will find that the more SHIT you take and the more CRAP you can handle may qualify you as an ASSHOLE and, one day, maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT). Thank you, Boss in General, Special High Intensity Training (BIG-SHIT) Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCKOF-SHIT) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not find- ing his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, /\,%,_ heavily into the act of lovemaking. \%%%/,\ _.-"%%|//% Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents .' .-" /%%% continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches _.-'_.-" 0) \%%% and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, /.\.' \%%% can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" \ / _, %% `"---"~`\ _,*'\%%' _,--""""-,%%, "Of course, Son, we're family." )*^ `""~~` \%%%, _/ \%%% So Billy climbs on and after _.-`/ |%%,___ a few more minutes his _.-" / , , ,|%% .`\ mother starts moaning /\ / / `\ \%' \ / and writhing wildly. \ \ _,/ /`~-._ _,`\ \`""~~` `"` /-.,_ /' `~"----"~ `\ \ "Hang on Dad!", cries jgs \___,' \.-"`/ Billy, "this is where me and `--' the mailman usually fall off!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Thirteen-year old Kate Eppers, spokesperson for the Committee for Bacterial Rights, said: _ _| | "We live in a diverse society. Our biggest ethnic .'_) | groups are not the Asians, the Africans or the /_/ |_| Caucasians. Our biggest ethnic groups are the (_) |_| Bacteria. I used to wash my hands every day. My \ \_____ mom made me. But then I learned about ethnic jgs |________| cleansing. Every time you wash your hands, you wipe out billions and billions of Bacteria. That's not fair. Bacteria have rights, too. So let's be grown-ups about this. When mom asks you to wash your hands, just say No." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ ____ [__ ] [ __] \ \ / / Q: How do sheep-herders practice safe sex? \ \ / / \ \/ / A: They paint an X on the back's of the \ / sheeps that kick! / \ _ _ _ _ _ / /\ \ _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- _-(_)- / / \ \ `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) `(___) __/ / \ \__ jgs // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ [____] [____] _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'