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                       |__   __| |                     August 10, 1997
                          | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                          | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _      ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )    |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
 `\   ` .'     | |__ _   _ _ __  _ __  _   _  | |_) | ___  _ __   ___ 
   |   |       |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |       | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_      |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                              __/ |                         
   |(,_|       To properly view the    |___/   ASCII art contained here,
   | |         use a non-proportional         "typewriter" font such as
   | \_,                   Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco.
   |   |       
   |   |                     The Things We Do For Love
 .'     \      
(    ,   )     A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age
 '--' '-'      as his wife.  The fantasy of having a young woman in his
               bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could
 not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.      _  _
                                                      ( \/ )
 His wife, as understanding as she was         .---.   \  /   .-"-. 
 exciting, told him that all was well         /   6_6   \/   / 4 4 \
 even if he was quick to get out of the       \_  (__\       \_ v _/
 saddle.                                      //   \\        //   \\
                                             ((     ))      ((     ))
 Determined to satisfy this sweet young   ====""===""========""===""====
 thing, the man visited the doctor to           |||            |||   jgs
 get advice.                                     |              |

 "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my
 young wife and I can't satisfy her.  What can I do?"

 The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional
 manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with
 your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy
 her."

 "Okay, Doctor.  If you think that will help."

 Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know
 that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

 "Be prepared, my darling.  I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the
 phone.

 Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice.  But where?
 In the office?  The Xerox room?  What if someone walked in on him?

 He got in his truck and began the journey home.

       .--------.__          Soon he decided he would find a spot on the
       |::::::::|[_I___,     road to pull over, climb underneath the
       |_.-.____I__.-~;|     truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear
   jgs  `(_)--------(_)"     axle, and do the deed there.
 
 A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his
 eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

 A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy
 session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.

 Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoy-
 ing, he said, "Yes?"

 "Sir, I'm with the Police Department.  Could you tell me what you are
 doing, please?" said the officer.

 "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confi-
 dently.

 "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there, because
 your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago!!"
           _                                                 _
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          (_.===============================================._)

              ___                   The Snails Picnic
           .'`__ '.               
          /  /  \  \        A family of snails head off for a Thanks-
          \  `-'/  /--.     giving picnic.  Two weeks later they arrive
 jgs      /'-=-'` ( __")    at a picturesque location beside a river
 ~~~~~~~  `""""""""`        with trees all around.

 As little Johnny snail and his sister Clancy play, mother snail sets up
 the picnic table, and realizes she has left the traditional turkey at
 home.  She reveals the mistake to father snail, who has a think. "This
 is a Thanksgiving picnic and we should have turkey!  I'll send Johnny
 home to get it", decides father snail.

 Father snail calls Johnny over and tells him to go and get the turkey.
 Johnny hesitates a bit and complains that the rest of the family will
 start eating the other food while Johnny is getting the turkey.  Father
 assures him that they won't touch a bite while Johnny is gone.  With
 that Johnny leaves.

 One week goes by... Two weeks go by... Three weeks go by... Four weeks
 go by...

 Clancy snail starts complaining that she is hungry. Father tells her
 "no one touches any food until Johnny gets back".

 Five weeks go by... Six weeks go by...  By this time everyone is really
 hungry (and worried about Johnny), but father sticks to his promise.

 Ten weeks go by... The family are looking anorexic.  Mother says "Just
 one little cracker?  Please, can I just eat one little cracker".  Father
 still says no.

 Twelve weeks... Fourteen weeks...

 Finally father snail decides that one cracker          ___
 each will be ok (after all they are starving).       .'   `'.
 As they take their first bite of the cracker,       /  /  \  \
 little Johnny jumps out from behind some         .--\  \'-`  /
 bushes and says: "Ahhhaaa!!!  I knew you        ("__ ) `'-=-'\      jgs
 would start eating without me!!!!"                  `""""""""`  ~~~~~~~
           _                                                 _
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